Virtual Baseball: "We Want the Goop! Give Up the Goop Now!" Giancarlo, Gwynnie Liberate Yankees Rehab Camp!

In virtual baseball today, the New York Yankees surged to a 6-2 win in Seattle, even after Mariners' manager Scott Servaistheterrain got the umpires to force Yanks starter Masahiro Tanaka to remove the large binder clip holding his elbow ligament in place.  Mike Ford and Gio Urshela homered for the Yankees, who are currently on a clip to shatter last year's all-time record for most home runs in a season.

But the big news in Yankeeland today was the surprise raid on the team's rehabilitation complex in Tampa, Florida.

A motorcade of ambulances, sirens screaming, smashed through the rehab's front gates, with their  plaque inscribed with the facility's famous motto, "Abandon all hope, ye who enter here."

Leading the convoy, heads sticking out of the first ambulance's sun roof, were Giancarlo Stanton, the man of knowledge, his whereabouts unknown for the past few weeks, and former-actress-turned-quack-notions-peddler, Gwyneth Paltrow.

Stanton, dressed in a shimmering coat of many colors, and Paltrow, arrayed completely in white, held submachine guns on the complex's guards and its current lead physicians, Drs. Behrens and Krokowski.

The players seemed eager to hobble, stagger, crawl, and wheel themselves to the waiting ambulances, though.  Most pathetic of all was a 90-pound Jacoby Ellsworth, who was reportedly still being kept in an isolation unit known as "The Hole" until he settled the Yankees' lawsuit against him on the team's terms, and who had to be helped along by two attendants.

In a video statement released afterwards by Stanton and Paltrow, they revealed that the players have been taken to an undisclosed location.  There, they will be nursed back to health—"true health this time, not just so they play a couple games then pop something again"—mostly through application of new salves invented by Ms. Paltrow's Goop Lab.  The balms in question have been named, respectively, "Pinstriped Goop," "Bronx Goop," and "Goop-goop-a-joop."

"Damn, didn't see that coming," shrugged Yankees creature Lonn Smith Trost on hearing of the mass breakout.

Asked how many players had been in the facility, fellow Yankees creature Randy Levine sighed and told reporters, "Geez, I dunno, 14, 15?  What, you expect me to keep track of that?  These guys are always gettin' hurt!"

Tampa police had no leads on the whereabouts of the players and their abductors, but then the force noted that it had not had any leads at all since 1976.