Thursday, April 7, 2022

Breaking News: Yanks Move 25 Games Exclusively to New, Pequod-Plus-Plus Streaming Service.

 

This just in! The New York Yankees announced today that the team would be moving 25 of its games against its leading rivals to the brand new, Pequod-Plus-Plus Streaming Service.

All of the team's games against the Boston Red Sox and the New York Mets will be shown exclusively on the new streaming service, which was just started this month by Pequod, to augment its existing streaming service.  

"We think this is a terrific new opportunity to serve our premium fan base," said Yankees Chief Operating Imp, Lonn Trost, in announcing the move.

Unlike the existing Pequod streaming service, which simply required purchasing a new app, the Plus-Plus system will require viewers to buy a new cellphone, television set, TV dish, and receiving tower.

In addition, unlike telecasts on existing "Plus" systems, viewers will not have to "commit" to buying an entire season or game, according to Yanks Blob-in-Chief, Randy Levine.


"Instead, we're very excited about the new Pequod-Plus-Plus purchase plan, which will require only that 

fans commit to one inning at a time. At a mere $1 per frame, this seems to us eminently affordable to any viewer already able to purchase all the new equipment that Pequod-Plus-Plus requires," "reasoned" Levine.

If the dollar is not forwarded—in the new, exclusive cryptocurrency that Pequod is also introducing—the broadcast will automatically terminate at the end of the inning. 

"Look, we're talking capitalism here. Heard of it?" Trost pointed out with his endearing, trademark sneer. "If you don't like the game, it shuts off.  We're the ones who have to produce."

When asked how most Yankees fans could possibly afford the equipment required to access these games, Levine also described it as a marketing opportunity.

"So it costs a lot. So you invite your friends and neighbors in and charge them a modest fee to watch. It's win-win. And you can charge for snacks! Sell 'em hot dogs—they don't have to be anything special!" the Blob urged. "Believe me—we know."

Both Yankees executive kvelled over this latest opportunity to watch baseball on a screen the size of your palm, and spoke of the exciting opportunities for selling games to be broadcast exclusively on mechanical television, against the sides of barns or on bedsheets, and by magic lantern show.

Asked about a clause in the Pequod-Plus-Plus contracts that gives the company the right to change the $1 "Continuance Fee" to every half-inning without notification, Yankees owner Hal Steinbrenner grinned his usual, glowing smile and replied:  "No comment."

7 comments:

AboveAverage said...

hmmmmmmmmm

Carl J. Weitz said...

Since Bildad and Peleg were Quakers, that futuristic cable/streaming service would be more suited to the Phillies. Half Moon Streaming Service would be more apt for the Yankees.

Doug K. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Doug K. said...

I'm surprised that Trost didn't mention that people could afford the new service simply by winning on any one of MLB's partner's wagering apps.


Also, Hoss - Don't give them any ideas.

HoraceClarke66 said...

I know! I worried about that afterwards.

Kevin said...

HC, you had me going there for a bit. Picture the liberal writer, crippled in his wheelchair, listening to Alex doing his rendition of "Singing in the rain". My face was contorted in a similar way. For those who don't know what I'm talking about, please see the prescient movie, " A Clockwork Orange ".

Doctor T said...

I'm so done with the Yankee leadership. Randy Levine needs to be fired out of a cannon into the East River. Lonn Trost needs to be fire and tossed onto 138th street, with his obnoxious racist, classist commentary tattooed on his forehead.

I'm so sick of these creeps. Not signing Judge was the last straw.

Yankees suck.