Monday, April 3, 2023

Are we not men??? No, we are devo. But time to take action anyway!

 


I largely agree with our Peerless Leader's assessment of Aaron Hicks. Sure, I wouldn't have turned out that sort of Cash cash, even if I were, well, exactly what I am now: a grizzled old, toothless reprobate, who never was much good at anything beyond sifting mud through a miner's pan and gumming wormy biscuits.

But I digress.

Much as I don't (primarily) blame Mr. Hicks, his burgeoning cluelessness has now officially reached my last nerve.

His latest remarks—apparently made to a reporter in the locker room before Sunday's game—sunk to a new low:

"I have no idea what my role is..." Hicksie tantrumed like Maria Callas after catching Ari sniffing through her understudy's lingerie drawer. "I just want to play. I don't want to come off the bench and face closers all day. I want to play the field. I want to play every day, and it's just what I want to do. I want to start. I really don't know what else to say."

I want to be me! as the Sex Pistols sang. 

Don't worry, Hicksie, you've said plenty. And who cares if it doesn't make sense? (You don't "face closers all day." You face them once. Because they're closers.)

We can all remember the many times that Mantle, called from the bench with his head the size of a beach ball and his left leg tucked neatly into his back pocket, used to whine and complain, "Don't put me in a clutch situation, skip! Don't do it!"

Sorry, Hicksie. Sort of hard to dictate your own slots after four years of awful play mercifully interspersed with injuries. Some guys would feel themselves vastly lucky to be with such a dunderheaded forgiving organization. Some might even have blamed themselves, for not having more success against a "closer" in the midst of such a meltdown. 

But not our Hicks.

But let's take a cue from our errant outfielder.  The time to keep whining about this is done. Time to take action now. This is what I propose:

—First, we have to suss out Hicksie's favorite watering hole. Ballplayers all have them, I've read that. The hotel bar, or maybe Toots Shor's, or Mickey Mantle's.

—Then, we sidle up to the bar next to him, and engage Aaron the Lesser in sympathetic conversation for as long as it takes. Even 6, 7 drinks. I know this is the hard part, but I think this bunch is up to it.

—Remember, sympathy is the key here! We nod understandingly while Hicks tells us what a raw deal he is getting. We tell him he shouldn't have to take such blatant disrespect. We subtly suggest that the only way Hicksie can get the Yankees to respect him is to walk off the team. 

And if they don't budge...what does he need that big old contract for, anyway? Why, we've seen his golf game. He could make oodles more on that new pro tour the Saudis have started to whitewash their journalist-dismembering image! 

Don't quit until you have him on the horn to HAL Steinbrenner, to give that fool a piece of his mind!

It's a difficult job, men, but someone's got to do it. First drink's on me.







24 comments:

Alphonso said...

I volunteer to be the guy next to him drinking whiskey.

ranger_lp said...

Today's starting lineup...rest roulette is back...


DJ LeMahieu (R) 3B
Aaron Judge (R) CF
Anthony Rizzo (L) 1B
Giancarlo Stanton (R) DH
Gleyber Torres (R) 2B
Franchy Cordero (L) RF
Aaron Hicks (S) LF
Jose Trevino (R) C
Anthony Volpe (R) SS

Cortes is pitching...

Doug K. said...

Franchy Cordero (L) RF
plus Aaron Hicks (S) LF

Uh... OK. Why?

ranger_lp said...

The Yankees have called up Ian Hamilton to replace Jhony Brito after he was optioned, per @BryanHoch

BTR999 said...

Welp, add my name to the disappearing comments club.

I’ll summarize my last screed….Hicks, boone, cashman, steingrabber all suck.

Thanks and god bless!

BTR999 said...

Sir Ian Hamilton had a great Spring, but has not impressed in small sample size with Twins & Chisox

Acc to his Wikipedia page, he served with distinction during the both the First and Second Boer Wars.

Rufus T. Firefly said...

Can't get me no....


Sat-is-FAC-tion!

Doug K. said...

Stanton put it in play!

Doug K. said...

Hicks with a chance to drive in a run...

A chance to change the narrative...

A chance to redeem himself...

and... he walks

TheWinWarblist said...

Hoss, your curmudgeonliness has reached new heights of refinement. Stratospheric. Truly remarkable.

TheWinWarblist said...

I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS GLEYBER DAY!?

TheWinWarblist said...

Joey Gallo has three homeruns? What?

JM said...

Joey who?

Rizzzzzzz...

Joe of AZ said...

NOW THAT'S HOW YOU MAKE A FIRST IMPRESSION FRENCHY

TheWinWarblist said...

A Franchy hit! A palpable hit!

TheWinWarblist said...

And a Hicks strikeout. [shrugs and sighs]

JM said...

Old Reliable.

TheWinWarblist said...

A very lovely it is high it is far it is caught on that Stanton fly ball. We will miss The Master. He will be missed.

TheWinWarblist said...

Mee mee meee ...


Thuhuhuh uuh uuh uuh Yankees win!!!!

ranger_lp said...

Yankees Win!!!

TheWinWarblist said...

Still in early season form there.

Beauregard Jackson Pickett Burnside said...

The Mark Twain quote is a gem.

Poor John just can’t get that Jeep spot out of his mouth. You cannot predict baseball, nor can you predict exactly how he’ll mess it up and when. It’s Yankees Radio electrified by the Jeep Brand…. Not exactly catchy… and no opportunity for John’s inner Tony the Tiger Driiiiven by Jeep. A shame. Wonder what committee came up with that nonsense slogan poor John is forced to mouth at 89 years old.

Rufus T. Firefly said...

Hicksie got his wish. And proved that he can suck for an entire game, not just a futile pinch hitting appearance.

The Archangel said...

I saw Hick's name in the boxscore.

I thought the the "Walking Dead" was cancelled ?