We don't ask much of readers.
There's no IT IS HIGH firewall, no membership fees, no ads for male enhancements, no credit card numbers stolen.
We at "HIGH" - (as it's referred to around the water coolers of Sterling Tower) -take pride in imposing no restrictions on the steaming, fragrant flow of empirical Yankee news, our stock-in-trade.
We believe that you - the bootless and unhorsed general public - come here to receive cheerful, upbeat messages regarding the greatest group of heroes on the planet, our New York Yankees. (Yes, feel free to applaud!)
Nevertheless, today, I have a request.
This comes at the symbolic halfway mark of the 2024 season, which has our team of greats battling to contend in the AL East. It involves the hat which MLB has carefully designed and mass-produced to honor great Yankees, such as Aaron Judge, in the upcoming all-star game.
This is the hat.
My request is simple:
If you ever see me wearing this thing, regardless of how drunken or confused I might appear to be... please, please, PLEASE put a bullet directly into my skull.
If you do not have a gun, use a tire iron or golf club - whatever - but if I am ever caught walking the streets wearing this hellish head thing, I implore you to do the right thing to put me out of my misery. End this charade!
I mean... look closely at this... thing.
Dear God.
That's all I can say.
Dear God.
I have lived through many societal abominations: New Coke, Yahoo Serious, pizza-flavored potato chips, the War on Drugs, boy groups, the Fire Fest, Rupert Murdoch's marriage to Jerry Hall, etc. The list goes on. But if something happens to me, if I am brain damaged or mentally ill... if I am seen walking around beneath this monstrosity, your job is clear. Shoot me.
Dear God.
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23 comments:
Outstanding piece! Had me the whole way.
duque,
I think I speak for most if not all of the commentariat here in saying: Sorry, no, we won't shoot you. We will, however, get the professional psychiatric help that you would obviously be crying out for.
That cap, E.D., is the equivalent of squeezing one’s head into the buttered buttocks of a baboon.
I share your in numbing, slack jawed horror.
What. The. Heck.
Hoss - This is in reply to your Bobby Bonilla Day post.
If it makes you feel any better... I know you hate the Dodgers.
Well, some time in the future Dodger fans will be "celebrating" Othani Day where he gets his annual 30+ Million dollar payment. Which, I believe, should buy him a lot of cigarettes in the prison commissary.
We would have killed you anyway, even without your request.
FUCK THAT HAT.
It is pretty terribly red. Yankees??. We're they unconsciously thinking MAGA?
If we catch you wearing that hat, only a firing squad will do you justice.
Let the blouse wearing poodle walker who designed this obscenity be brought forth for judgement.
What I left in the toilet this morning looks better than this.
If you even come to Scotland wearing that crime against humanity hat I will gladly beat you to death with a sock full of cold porridge
And you almost lived through Trump's first presidency.
Cold porridge sounds good about now after yesterday's "legal" ruling. Six clowns talking through their hats, coincidentally.
Does Scotland take in American exiles?
Any bets on whether Cashman now offers Tim Anderson either a minor league deal or puts him on the 40-man roster immediately? I say he's foaming at the mouth to snatch him up and put on second.
Yankees' management doesn't take the team seriously. Why should anyone else?
Hat available now at $47.99 (plus tax)
Get yours TODAY!
BTR999, you ARE joking about that price, right? Fucking hideous.
Awful beyond measure. And any Yankee owner with an ounce of self-respect would say, "No Yankee is wearing that hat. They will wear our regular, time-honored hat—and if MLB, in all its wisdom, sees fit to fine him, I will pay the fine."
But of course, that assumes that "ounce of self-respect."
Kevin, I wish I was…
https://www.fanatics.com/mlb/new-york-yankees/all-star-game/o-1210+t-25889854+c-41178562+z-9-3033755974?_ref=p-CLP:mSIDE_NAV&irclickid=S5EQmKzuRxyKT2x0Q0RJ4VUOUkC0Jd3RW3ld3c0&irgwc=1&_s=afl_impact&utm_source=Impact&utm_medium=affiliates&SSAID=1412332
This is like what a friend once said about a restaurant: the food isn't very good, but it is really expensive.
It's Insane Clown Posse level ridiculous,,,, OK I take that back, at least the ICP are weirdos who proudly fly their freak flag, this is just soulless bore-core capitalism, fuck these cynical promo merch mongers!
Game thread up.
Piiax, I don't think the MAGA resemblance is unconscious at all. Levine, Steinbrenner, Trost are all rabid Trump supporters. This god-awful hat is intentionally referencing the MAGA hat. Shamelessly abandoning Yankee Blue for powder blue and then burying that in a sea of icky, MAGA red, laced with faux-Patriotic detail.
Disgusting. That may be the worst, ugliest hat I've ever seen. Woof!
Don’t hold back Doc!
The NY Met colors were a non-starter for me
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