- Brian Cashman, Yankee Death Star architect -
So, there it is, right on time... the annual Yankee Declaration of Dependence.
Let the world know that the Yankees - aka the fully functioning Death Star - are out there, beaming the spotlight of need into the darkness, staring hard into the void, never blinking, ever watching...
The waiver wire.
It's Dregs Weekend, the final hours before Opening Day, and we're probing the anus of expendability, checking in everywhere, with everything, on everybody. The world is our leftover buffet. We might sign a cheap 3B. We might snag a cheap reliever. Or a cheap DH. Or all of the above. As long as he is chea - um, inexpensive, and uninjured and unwanted. That's it: If he's unwanted, we want him!
As long as he can fill a certain space until Memorial Day, or the Fourth, or the August trade deadline... we want him!
As long as he improves one click of the scale over our current denizen - be it a Rice or a Reyes - we want him!
Over the next 72 hours, every move, every acquisition, every breathless breath, will conjure among seasoned Yank fans the same unbridled chorus: "Yeah, whatever."
We are the New York Yankees of Whatever.
Dom Smith? Yeah, whatever. Dopy Dildox? Uh-huh, whatever.
So, enjoy your afternoon nap, knowing that Cooperstown Cash is combing the flea markets and catacombs of MLB, searching for some minutia of frugality. It's beyond my limited bandwidth to judge his success. If Leave It to Beaver had cut Barbara Billingsley, wouldn't The Patty Duke Show have rushed to sign her? Or would they let her go to Donna Reed?
Those are the questions dogging Yank fans today. And the answers will always be the same: Yeah, whatever.
Preparing my predictions for Yankee wins in 2025. Developing...
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16 comments:
“If Leave It to Beaver had cut Barbara Billingsley, wouldn't The Patty Duke Show have rushed to sign her? Or would they let her go to Donna Reed?”
Magnificently worded, ED.!
Words in papers, words in books
Words on TV, words for crooks
Words of comfort, words of peace
Words to make the fighting cease
Words to tell you what to do
Words are working hard for you
Eat your words but don't go hungry
Words have always nearly hung me
A ram sam sam, a ram sam sam
Guli guli guli guli guli ram sam sam
Hi kye yay, yippie yi kye yay
Awoo awoo ayee kie chi'
What are words worth?
What are words worth? Words
King Hal’s Asylum for Unwanted Boys
never thought about it THAT way before . . .
Bringing a new variation on the old theme: What do The Intern and Starship Enterprise have in common? They both circle Uranus searching for Klingons.
Barbara Billingsley would've gone to the Donna Reed Show and become the hot mistress of Carl Betz. Donna catches Shelley Fabares making out with Paul Petersen after the kids find out Shelley is really adopted and they're not actually biological siblings. Harry von Zell steps away from the Burns and Allen Show for a three-episode arc where he briefly becomes Donna's S&M slave until Bea Bernadette discovers what those odd noises are that are coming from Donna's basement in the middle of the night. Tuesday Weld runs off with Warren Beatty from the set of Dobie Gillis, breaking the heart of Sheila (Zelda) Kuehl. Everyone is eventually cancelled but the deep personal scars remain. Cashman winds up hiring von Zell to replace John Sterling, and he proves to be an excellent baseball play-by-play announcer with the exception of that one time he says the guy coming to the plate is Hoobert Heever. Judge finally wins a ring while riding the merry-go-round at Rye Playland. He dedicates it to Barbara Feldon and his wife is fine with that.
This year, the Yankees will win 89 games and the AL East as the reconstituted teams annihilate each other in head-to-head matchups throughout the season. Everyone spends time on the IL. Boone continues to be an idiot.
Living in Germany, I become an underground TikTok YouTube eBay star as Germans love my wacky American sense of humor. They don't understand it, but they love it, anyway.
You had me at Carl Betz.
Speaking of Barbara B.....The phony Jack & Rod Show (Howard Stern)
https://youtu.be/2bU6dTn5ADc?si=XurgNKEiBmia9que
Yesterday, we were ahead 7-0 and lost 8-7 thanks to two hopeless pitch slingers named Reyzelman and Pestana.
Meanwhile, Schmidt is officially on the IL, making Carrasco and Warren default members of the rotation. The team had no choice, barring Trevor Bauer, but of course the spin machine was out in full force:
"Carrasco, 38, is a cancer survivor and has tallied a 6.18 ERA in 41 starts over the past two seasons. But the right-hander has impressed the club in his five outings this spring, compiling a 1.69 ERA across 16 innings."
When he's released in July, remember that he impressed the club and that he's a cancer survivor. Storylines count.
Beautiful. Just beautiful, you guys.
The Yankees...not so much.
I'm very glad Carrasco survived cancer. And I hope now that he takes advantage of that miracle, and goes out to see the world.
"Judge finally wins a ring while riding the merry-go-round (ON A HORSE THAT TURNS OUT TO BE MR. ED) at Rye Playland. He dedicates it to Barbara Feldon and his wife is fine with that.
Other than that minor fix - perfect.
Sad, sad news about Brett Gardner’s son passing away.
Cash will taked injured.
Nah guys, he's gonna hit every dumpster in the tri-state area. That's what he does best.
Yes, traggic news.
What a fucking moron...
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