Pass the word: If Judge goes down, we riot.

 

Comrades... 

The Yankee Doomsday Clock has clicked onto midnight - midnight blue, that is. That constitutional crisis we've long dreaded... it's nearly here.

It's time to remember who we are: The New York fucking Yankees. The most iconic sports team on the planet. We still own the most world championships in all of baseball. We still wear the most revered ballcap in all of American culture, and - yes - it's midnight blue, not blood-in-your-urine red. 

We still own the power of the Judiciary - in this case, Aaron Judge, the game's greatest slugger since - well - the first Aaron... Hank. 

Today, we are under attack from a group of low-level, one-note, cheap-suited juju gods, who have been systematically targeting and deleting Yankee assets (including some who have been past targets of our bile.) 

Last week, they abruptly took down Luis Gil. This weekend, they appear to have done the same with Giancarlo Stanton. Now, they've taken their boldest move yet - elbow pain for Gerrit Cole. The 2025 season is teetering on the brink, and here's the most frightening part: They're barely a month into this year. 

They're just getting started. 

It's time to draw lines in the parking lot. It's time for barricades in the street. 

If they take down Aaron Judge, everything must stop. 

If Judge goes down - I don't care if it's a barking gonad or an oozing tick-bite; if Judge feels any pain, whatsoever - I say we form a human fan ring around George M. Steinbrenner Field and refuse to let anyone come and go, especially vermin criminals from the Tampa Rays, who plan to soon claim our stadium as their personal rat's nest. 

If Judge goes down, I say we hack into the YES Network and steal Michael Kay's digital head, as big as a weather balloon, and reconfigure it, using Artificial Intelligence, to rail against cheap and inefficient Yankee management. 

Game 5 is over. Yeah, it happened. The Dodgers won. But these juju punks can't push us around, anymore. 

If Judge does down, we riot. 

Look, I get it... every team suffers injuries. But somewhere along the line, those juju gods who fix sports scores came to decide that the Yankees should be their personal punching bags. It doesn't matter that they now can grow beards. (By the way, are the scruffy things I see sprouting on chins supposed to qualify as "well groomed?" We look like a team of Steve Bannons.) It doesn't matter that the AL East looks weak - though, rather than big high on Alex Bregman, our owner seemed more than willing to let Boston have its way. 

Enough is enough. I say this because we all know what's coming. It might be a sprain. It might be a cramp. But we know it's coming. They will try to take down our Judge. 

We're not going back to Dom Smith.