Forget Mantle and Maris. We've got Judge and Jazz. But damn the torpedoes, hide the bats!

MLB HR leader board

Fifteen HRs in three games will grab eyeballs, and today, the grim glare of MLB is fixed upon us, wondering if the Yankees somehow hacked that primal weapon of ball fields and bedrooms, the vengeful shillelagh - the great American baseball bat. 

As a physicist, sportsman, and advocate for pure science, I feel compelled to pose the essential questions here: What the fuck? And... holy shit?

Have the Yankees found a competitive advantage? Could machine-engorged Yankee barrels bring about a new era of tape-measure self-pleasure? Did some MIT big brain find baseball's Arc of the Covenant? And if so, how long before our enemies catch up, and turn baseball into Pete Alonso at the HR derby? A month? A week? The next few days?  

Listen: Baseball history is full of system hacks. Remember Moneyball? Or when Tampa led the world in defensive over-shifts? The Rays also invented the bullpen start. The Astros used cameras and garbage cans. The Dodgers have built an underground railroad for Japanese free agents. The Mets have uncorked limitless wealth. And have the Yankees tweaked the system with bats shaped like "torpedoes?" Fifteen HRs in three games says, maybe. But before we assign asterisks to BAs, a few thoughts:

1. They were three games against Milwaukee. 

2. They were the first three games of 2025. Remember last year, when Oswaldo Cabrera mimicked like the Second Coming of Mike Schmidt? 

3. Five came against Nasty Nestor Cortes, who we figured - in returning home - would either spin a revenge masterpiece or get raked. Turned out to get the latter.

4. Several were Yankee Stadium HRs, into the right field gift shop. That's Yankee baseball, folks. (And let's see if Tampa can replicate the numbers in their mini-stadium.)

5. Aaron Judge - with 4 HRs - hasn't used the torpedo. 

6. Giancarlo used it last season, had a normal Stanton year, and it might have fucked up his elbows. 

But but BUT... in the name of Gaylord Perry, who used the spitball as a psychological  ploy - the Yankees should spread forth the notion that they have found an advantage. They should guard the torpedoes like a recipe for chicken salad. Let the world think that Anthony Volpe has turned into A-Rod, that Jazz Chisholm will hit 50, and that our routine pop flies will land in the bullpen. 

Should there be a physicist wing in Cooperstown? If a few more balls start landing in Monument Park, who knows?