The year's most meaningless game, - a fraudulent pageant of nothingness, and a showcase to Greg Bird, Zolio Almonte, Jackson Melian and countless others - happens today in the toxic MAGA swamps of Sarasota.
The spring training opener.
Aaron Judge won't make it. You don't compel a 6'7" giant to ride on a bus for 90 minutes. Same with Giancarlo, Oswaldo, and others. Among the pitchers to go are Elmer Rodriguez and Carlos Lagrange, the Hollywood "It" Girls of camp thus far. Whatever they do will be celebrated or mourned, and none of it will matter a single, solitary whit.
Here's what happened last year. The Yankees beat Tampa, 4-0, with Marcus Stroman getting the "win." (Fun fact: The Markster recorded three other wins in 2025.)
So, why bother? Honestly, I have no choice. It's molecular. Baseball is Pavlov. I am his poodle. We bark and bluster all winter. We condemn Prince Hal. We blast Cashman and his groveling gum-chewer, the Bane of Boone. We vow to quit. There are birds to watch, stamps to collect, TV news shows... Then comes the pop of a mitt, the crack of a bat, the sight of a millionaire pitcher jogging the outfield, and we follow the scent like a glue-sniffing frat hobo.
Tomorrow will bring us a box score.
No redactions.
Here we go.
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13 comments:
ONWARD!
This comment has been redacted by its author.
.222/.283/.379
This shortstop should be removed by some author.
This comment has also been removed, but this time by a medical specialist and immediately sent in for analysis and review. Results, which are pending will be shared if deemed appropriate by the oversight committee.
This comment has no fucks left to give.
Seems to me that the vaunted Yankee coaching staff is already hard at work wrecking their players. Lagrange already throwing 103 mph. Holy crap, have you ever heard of anyone throwing over 100 mph at the very beginning of spring training? These guys have to dial it back. It's a long season. You don't even want to be throwing your hardest until maybe mid-season. After the All Star break should be when the pitchers reach maximum velocity, right? A young colt doing 103 mph? He's going to blow out his motor.
This Gromit has been removed by Wallace.
Working on it
My wisdom teeth have been removed. Not by an author, but by a dentist, who did author a bill afterwards.
How many coffees could an AA drink if an AA could drink coffee?
(hint: HE CAN)
This year's Knicks team has been removed, by the Pistons. Hey, it can always get worse!
Yeah - Just wait for the weekend, Hoss.
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