John Sterling's Love For Us

Last night, the Yankees won... but, for the first time, John Sterling withheld his signature Win Warble.

After a long and sleepless night, I think I know why.

This is John's way of preparing us.

Some day there will be no Win Warble, for there will be no John. When that day comes and forever after, he will be pulling for us to survive, to endure, to be all right, to go on winning. John, who studies winning, believes we stand a better chance if we feel just a little bit of the pain now. Think of it as a vaccination of the heart.

It hurt John to hold that Win Warble back, make no mistake. But each and every fan along the New York Yankees Radio Network -- from the swaggering captain of industry to the humble fish-monger -- means everything to John. No injury is too painful, if it benefits us.

I know what you're asking: "So, if John is willing to sacrifice for fans along the New York Yankees Radio Network, what can we can do for him in return?" The answer lies buried in the roar of last night's silence. Listen to it closely, and you can hear what he is asking of us. Only the impossible. Only the absolutely necessary. Only this:

We have to love John Sterling enough to let him go.

THE NIGHT THE MUSIC DIED: JOHN STERLING DELIVERS NO WINWARBLE

America... We are officially in a depression.

Children... There is no Santa Claus.

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Yankiverse... Jesus Montero is not coming.

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Last night, the Doomsday Yankee Clock ticked closer to Armageddon.

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John Sterling, the Jeep-driven Voice of the Yankees failed to render a traditional WinWarble, following what appeared to be a Yankee victory over Minnesota.

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The staff and directorship of IT IS HIGH are hereby calling an emergency web meeting for this evening to discuss the meaning of this chilling omen and potentially crippling event within the Yankiverse.

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Today, the concrete pillars of Yankeality are bending like strawberry Twizzlers, and the Yankiverse may be contracting, rather than expanding.

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John Sterling did not WinWarble. What is going on?

Hear it for yourself. WARNING: May be too depressing for small children.

Tomko ruins night for Yankiverse

It was shaping up as a decent evening. No need for a Michael Jackson cocktail from my personal doctor. Though our lead only stood at 9, I felt confident in the eighth inning, especially with two outs.

So what happens? Tomko surrenders a single, a run scores, the margin is chopped to eight, and I'm back to pacing the floor with the loaded Luger in my mouth. Yes, I'm facing another white-knuckled night and no sleep.

Then, to top it off, in the 9th, Eric Hinkse cannot deliver with a runner on first, our last shot at restoring a comfortable nine-run lead, or maybe even pulling double-digits.

Wrecks the night. These games against Minnesota are pure torture. Thank God they're making Genny Cream Ale again.

Famous Baseball Nicknames that could have suited Michael Jackson

Doctor Strangeglove
Whitey
Cool Papa
Candy Man
Daffy
The Ageless Wonder
Highpockets
The Bambino
Nasty Boy
The Toy Cannon
Junior
Pee Wee
Melky
Space Man

The $10,000 piddle

Remember that poor guy who got booted from Yankee Stadium for trying to take a leak during the National Anthem?

New York City will pay him $10,000 to settle the suit. It'll fork over another $12,000 to the New York Civil Liberties Union.

The cheapskate Yanks won't cough up a thin dime. They claim the ushers are told to let you through, if it's coming out of your ears.

Moral of the story: If you gotta go, show it.

Let's Keep Even Closer Tabs On Hinske

Record of Yanks with Hinske on bench:  4-1.

Record of Yanks with Hinske in the game: 0-1.

Performance of Hinske in 9th inning, with game winning opportunity at bat: 

 Struck out on ball 4.

Meaningless but happy statistic:  solo HR in losing effort.

Syracuse May Get the Yankees After All

Too many canaries drowning in the coal mine.

Apparently, Shelley Duncan can't play right field without a wet suit.

The latest plan: Scranton will measure the quagmire before each series, and if the carp are jumping, they'll seek a nearby city: Syracuse or Lehigh Valley.

If the rains keep coming this summer, we'll be the home of the Syracuse-Wilkes Barre Yankees.

How about this for the Emerald City's slogan:

IT IS HIGH, IT IS FAR, IT IS... LAWN!

Toronto Zeroes In On Yankee Organization For Easy Plucking

After observing the dual, back-to-back swindles the lowly and hapless Pirates pulled on the Yankee organization, Toronto management is salivating at the prospect of talking turkey with the Yankees for "Doc" Halliday.

Rumors are already swirling that they would go one-for-one with the Red Sox;  Halliday for Bukholtz.

But with the Yankees ( once again, using history as a guide.....see the Santana negotiations ...by the 

Twins... with the Yankees as opposed to the actual deal with the Mets ) ,  Toronto expects to do the following:

A.  The Yankees pay Toronto $15 million per year for 4 years.

B.  The Yankees pay for Doc's upcoming surgery, which will not be announced until post-deal.

C.  The Blue Jays, are looking for youth, so the Yankees must package:

1.  Cervelli

2.  Romine

3.  Austin Jackson

4.  Chien Ming

5.  Phil Hughes

6.  Phil Coke

7.  "Ace" Aceves

8.  Melky

9.  Robbie Cano

D.  The Blue Jays have made it clear that they have no interest in Jesus.  They can't make gloves, shoes or face masks large enough for him in Canada, either. 

Although they would enjoy the rights of putting Jesus' likeness on molasses cookies.

I am so confident with Brian Cashman looking out for Yankee interests.  After all, we'll still have Ian Kennedy if he can ever feel anything again.

Yankeetorial: Will we betray Jesus in the auction for Halladay?

To the Yankiverse,

It hath begun, as the fates foretoldeth it.

The Blue Jays will soon start shopping baseball's best pitcher to the pennant racers, which will be like waving porterhouse over a pack of ravenous hyenas.

Last call for the 2009 pennant.

It's us or Boston. Who wants it more?

Despite all our past love and kinky lust for Jesus Montero, Phil Hughes, Joba, Austin Jackson, Brett Gardner, et al... they'll soon be chum, as we drag the sea for Mr. Roy Halladay.

Montero? Figure him gone, though Toronto will trash his catching ability. They'll probably also demand Austin Romine or Francisco Cervelli. Yeowww.

Hughes? He is so out-the-door that it might even affect his head this week. They'll demand pitching. Because we're the Yankees, they'll ask for Joba, too. Ohwwwwhhh.

Austin Jackson. They'll want him. They won't accept Melky or Gardner. And maybe none: They don't need outfielders. Ouch.

Others? Oh, God. Yeah, others. Melancon, Nova, Robertson... if they throw in Vernon Wells... we might as well sign over our entire farm system.

This isn't Xavier Nady. This is baseball's best pitcher. They won't take Karstens, Jackson and a life subscription to Harpers.

Boston will start with Buckholtz and Bard, Masterson, Lowrie and of course their former future Hall of Famer, Jacoby Ellsbury. But if they can throw at us Beckett, Lester and Halladay... well... I sure hope Chien-Ming's sinker starts dropping.

In other words, the season is about to start. That first half? Warm-up.

Soon, someone will hold the nuclear option.

Good deal? Bad deal? Who knows? It's all in the details. Hey, anybody heard from Damaso Marte?

Monday Score: John Sterling 1, Equipment 0

John Knocks Something Over In The Booth

With two outs in the bottom of the 5th and Nick Swisher stepping to the plate, a sudden clatter exploded over the New York Yankees Radio Network, followed by the voice of a clearly abashed John Sterling:

"Excuse me, everybody. I just knocked something over in the booth."

We hope to bring you audio.

Thanks for the heads-up, commenter global voyager.

Thanks are also due to the prolific Anonymous, who gave voice to the fear experienced by every Yankee fan who heard the incident unfold, live:

I hope John didn't hurt his elbow even further when he knocked something over, I don't think the Yanks could survive that kinda injury

Previously: John hurts his elbow.

MLB Caught in Massive Lie and Coverup: Umps Told Jeet He Didn't Need to be Tagged

TEHRAN!

HONDURAS!

YANKEE STADIUM!

HIT THE STREETS!

KILL THE PIGS!

TEAR DOWN THE BRIDGES!

DESTROY ALL AUTHORITY!

THIS.

MUST.

NOT.

STAND.

COMRADES! The blueshirted brownshirts of MLB have gone too far! Monday, the oppressive jackals wrongfully called Derek Jeter out at third base, then claimed he did not need to be tagged.

It happened when the poor man sought to steal an honest base. The butchers purged him from the basepaths, then brazenly orchestrated the biggest bastardization of truth since the Warren Report.

Say reports on Twitter:

"He didn't tag me," Jeter told Foster.
"He didn't have to," Foster said, according to Jeter. "The ball beat you."

Comrades! It's time for a Yankiverse TeaBag Day of Protest.

We must organize. We must riot. TeaBags -- rebel slang for "thirdbase" -- will symbolize our anger, our disgust, our revulsion with the totalitarian state of baseball, a Third-World sport that lets umpires make their own rules.

This is an outrage! Incite your neighbors! Take the radio station! Horde two-by-fours and tools. We need to knock in some skulls, so they'll see we mean business!

Alphonso, you take the Southwest! Shamus, you're in charge of Maine. Whitey, as of now, you are the Rightful Governor of Florida.

People, tear it down. Death to the system.

HEAR US, ALLAN HUBER "BUD" SELIG:
RESTORE JETER TO THIRD BASE, OR YOU SHALL NEVER NO ANOTHER NIGHT OF PEACE!

Redsock Nation loathing-up for Nomar

Headlines on today's Dirt Dogs.

(And you thought Alphonso was mean...)

Fake Laugh on Cue? Check.
Red Tape to Keep the Media Away? Check.
Saying the Right Things When the Cameras Are Rolling? Check.
With Little Fanfare, Our Old Friend Nomar Is Back in Town

Haaaaaaaa ... Nomar Said He Didn't Want to Leave Boston

Mass General On Alert In Case Nomar Pulls or Fracturesa Groin, Hip, or Wrist or Something Tonight

Mr. 'False Positives' on the Steroid Problem in '04: 'Testing Is Just Not the Answer'

A Reminder to Kids: Nomar's Not a Fan of Signing Autographs

How About a Couple of Garciapopups for Old Times Sake Nomie?

Remember When He Sat Out That Jeter Dive-in-the-Stands Game? That Was Awesome

Bitter crapola. Nomar had great years for Boston. It's not as if he walked on them. He was traded.

Good grief, if they ever go through a Carl Pavano...

To Briefly Get Your Mind Off Nick (1st Pitch Swing) Swisher & Eric (Check Swing On Ball 4) Hinske...

...Before We Play Catch, by Ralph Gamelli.

Hinske Homers, Sterling Comes Up Short

No "Hinske hinsks one out!" No "benchwarmer blast!" Just "home run." How hard is it, John? You've had a week.

You weren't ready for Gardner. You weren't ready for Swisher. And now this.

Did Chamberlain neville?

No. He wilted. And everybody in the Yankiverse noticed. (Thanks Matt)

John warbles 6.18, lifting average over 5.500

Sterling Index: 5.51
Yankee won-loss %: .593

All-Star Count: 3 Yankees, 2.5 former Yankees

Current Yank All-Stars: Derek Jeter, Mariano Rivera, Mark Teixiera

Former Yank All-Stars: Ted Lilly, Carlos Pena, Christian Guzman (who is in final player Internet poll.)

That goddamm Lilly has embarrassed us for seven years. In case you're scoring at home, we stole him and Jake Westbrook (and Christian Parker, a promising pitcher cut down by injury) from Montreal in 2000 for the fat pussy toad, Hideki Igawa, Irabu, whatever. This could have been Cashman's greatest deal, his Heathcliff Slocum swindle, his Seward purchase. It's not.

The reason: Two years later, we traded Lilly to the A's, via Detroit, for Jeff Weaver. (The Tigers, by the way -- byyyy the wayyyyy -- received Carlos Pena.)

OK, bad trades are part of baseball. Nobody's perfect. Everybody applauded it at the time. (Brownnosers.) But that Weaver deal murdered us. Not only did we waste two years waiting for the bejeweled bozo to emerge, but we surrendered Lilly, whose been a rock everywhere he's gone. (And remember: When Jeet got hit by California, Lilly went a-headhuntin,' and the Angel beanballs ended.)

We pissed away Westbrook, let Pena slip through our hands, then suffered the indignity of watching Weaver pitch St. Louis to a World Series.

What is it they say about a bad penny? It's worse than a Brad Penny.

Separating Truth From Fiction

I invited my close friend, Alphonso, out to my beach house in East Hampton this week-end, because I wanted some straight talk about the Yankees.

His candor, some call it pessimism, can be grating I know.  But so is what we call in the UK, " cock-eyed " optimism and a constant avoidance of reality.

So, my purpose was to get him really loaded, deck him out in a Union Jack designed speedo, and ask him to give me some hard truths.

And it worked.

Despite all the euphoria about the Yankees recent wins against the Jays, Alphonso saw evidence of some shoddy baseball:

1.  Cano has become a liability with Yankees in scoring position.  I mean, if the line-up permitted, Toronto would walk Cody Ransome with two on and one out to get to Cano.  Now 0-21 with RISP.

2. To make matters worse, Cano's bunt with runners on first and second, no outs, and a 3-0 count was ludicrous.  Not only was it a bolluxed bunt attempt, but can't take one pitch ?  

He didn't do anything except give up an easy force out at third.  Pena can bunt.

3.  Nick Swisher is a dangerous guy for the Yankess to have in the outfield.  He makes easy catches look nearly impossible.  

The fact that Toronto's slow-footed catcher ran on his arm, and succeeded, tells all.  Melky would have nailed him at second by 40 feet.  Swisher barely got it there on time to get the runner, but his throw took  Jeter about 15 feet toward the mound to catch it.  

Easy double for Toronto instead of a base running mistake and a rally killer.  I'll wager that Swisher has never had an assist playing the outfield.

4.  Two Yankees, both not noted for any speed at all, were thrown out at the plate.  Something is wrong here. 

 I know that Toronto's right fielder has a great arm.  Does our third base coach?

 Our pitching, and our offense, are not so good that the Yankees can  take themselves out of rallies by getting thrown out at home.  Nick Swisher is another base runner without a clue.

5.  And our newly disciplined, superstar in training , Robbie Cano also got nailed trying to steal second.  

6.  Cody Ransome is on the team for his glove.  Bad day yesterday.  And his at bats were awful.

7.  So why is Ramiro Pena learning the outfield?  Why is he the guy in Scranton?

8.  Just in case readers are unclear about this; Alphonso is not a big fan of Joba as a starter.  Never was.  Never has been. 

 Another busted outing.  Another drain on an already taxed bullpen.

OK. There are a lot of good things happening with the Yankees.  Aceves, Tex, Jeter, Damon, Jorge, Mo, A-Rod, Phil Hughes, AJ, even the Cokester.

But below the surface lies some ugly baseball which has to get corrected.  Otherwise, Alphonso sees 0-18 vs. Boston.

I need some tanning oil. 

 " Alphonso...would you come over here a minute...?"

A conversation between Sarah Palin and John Sterling

You sure did wilt, Chamberlain!

That line comes courtesy of John Sterling, who adds that, "You're on the mark, Teixiera!"

John also had some questions:

"Which way to the john, Albaladejo?"

"Ever read 'Swiss Family Robinson,' Cano?"

"Why do you make me feel so melky, Cabrera?"

Ooh! Ooh! S-WB Yankees To Syracuse?

The best field Yankee billions could buy in Scranton is a cross between a waterpark and an abbatoir, so:

There are rumors now that the team may consider playing games at Syracuse or Lehigh Valley, which are the only other "close" places with facilities that could handle an AAA team.

Some of us IT IS HIGH bloggers are in, or from, or once passed through Syracuse -- and we want this. We want this.

A question about Sarah Palin

Across the web today, bloggers are theorizing about the secret, unreported scandal that seems to have forced Sarah Palin out of politics.


How about this:


What if she took her family to a Yankees game, and during a break in the action, A-Rod did knock up her daughter?


Now that would be embarrassing.


Go with it.

Our Scranton team is a quagmire, and no, that's not a smartass remark about Kei Igawa

Quagmire.

Do something, Cashman.

Hinske expected to play "any day now"

Game 5... still waiting.

Solid bench presence.

If Saturday's game had gone into 13th, he was there!

Thanks to Robbie Cano, baseball has a new literary metaphor: "Bunting-away on 3-and-0."

Here's how I would dimestore novel it:

As she glided across the dance floor, every masculine eyeball in Smokey's Tavern tracked her like a storm on radar. Necks swiveled in the direction of her hourglass figure, her long-stemmed legs and her mane of curly blond Lady Godiva locks. She could be a movie star. She could be a model. She moved to him, self-confidently licking her voluptuous red lips, as if to say, "I'm hungry, and I think I'll eat now." She touched his chest with a long fingernail and deftly plucked open the top button of his shirt.

"Anything you want," she breathed. "What you see is all yours. Be creative."

Harold felt a volcano rise up through his loins like an A-bomb from a new and previously undetected plane of reality.

"Do you have an email address?" he asked, bunting-away on three-and-oh.

Francisco Cervelli prepares to leave, just as he arrived... with a winning streak

By early this week, unless there is a coal mining disaster, our backup catcher will again be the steady, dutiful, glacial, enjoyable and ernest Jose Molina.

That's fine. Molina deserves to keep his job. An injury is an injury.

But before Francisco Cervelli arrived May 7, we were 14 and 15... a game under .500 and floundering.

Now we are 14 games over and a game behind Boston.

Cervelli launched our first resurgence by catching Sabathia's shutout. He launched our second with the home run against Atlanta, breaking up a perfect game bid.

Again, no disrepect to Molina... but there may not be another team in baseball that would send Cervelli back to the minors.

And all this talk about the catcher-rich Yankee farm system? Bah.

We have our catcher of the future... as long as the coal mine doesn't collapse.

Iron Lungs: After nearly 5 hours on air, John blows a 6.57 WinWarble, pushing average toward 5.5000 into the All-Star Break

The Birthday Boy came through Saturday, hitting 6.57 seconds on the IIH Warbletron Vocalization Caliper, raising John's WinWarble average to 5.4942 -- a dramatic push toward the 5.50000 level, as baseball heads into the traditional midseason break.

The comeback Warble capped a nightmarish 12th inning moment, which threatened to undermine John's faith in Joe Girardi, Robbine Cano and God.

With no outs, two men on, and a 3-0 count, Cano made what John called "an absolutely terrible bunt" that failed to move over the runners. John railed at God for His villainy, and fumed over the call: "That strategy I didn't get at all."

Moments later, Posada's single scored A-Rod, and John warbled.

CURRENT AVERAGE: 5.4942

Letter to the Editor

Yankee pride
To the editor:

Tuesday night I had the opportunity to watch my niece, Taylor Kurtz, and the other members of the Westhill High School softball team share the spotlight on the field at Yankee Stadium during the national anthem.

After suffering several major disappointments, both on the field and off, it was such a pleasure to see this fine group of young women live this once-in-a-lifetime experience. As each Westhill player ran onto the field to join a Yankee player at their respective positions, I could only think how these girls will never forget this year's season and this amazing finish. Their faces beamed with excitement and their spirits soared with enthusiasm (as did their families').

I just want to say thank you to the general manager, Brian Cashman, and the Yankee organization for making these young ladies so happy and giving them their "silver lining." It was truly a night to remember!

Georgette Perimenis
Stamford

Happy Fourth, Yankiverse. Altogether now, let's sing...

Turn it up.

Turn it up.

TURN IT UP!

An A-Bomb from A-Rod: Two calls merged

This is weird. You have to listen to it a couple times.

This is the call of Arod's 8th inning home run yesterday, from John Sterling and Blue Jays' announcer Jerry Howarth (somebody out there check this?). I thought it would be neat to merge two distinctly different calls and see how it sounds.

It sounds... chaotic.

What is strange, though, is the way the two announcers -- after calling the home run -- seem to take turns at the mike. This is not editing on my part. Sterling keeps talking, doing his A-Bomb from A-Rod bit, engourged with delight, while Howarth remains silent, probably pumping barbells to relieve anger.

Then Sterling, out of breath, goes silent, and Howarth starts in.

Very strange. A walk-off would be crazier. Maybe next time.

IT IS HIGH voters name Billy Mays "Dead Celebrity of the Week"

And you folks accuse US of being sick.

Unless John has a great birthday weekend, he'll head into the All-Star break averaging less than 5.50 seconds for WinWarbles this season

Yesterday, the Legendary Voice of the New York Yankees, driven by Jeep, again stayed within his comfort zone, turning in a slightly above average 5.77 WinWarble.





Here's the Index.

His average Warble this season: 5.4651351 seconds.

He needs to hit some sixes. Only twice this year, he has reached 7.00 -- Sterling Silver.

It's time, sir, to "Git R Done."

You Know, Suzyn, I'd Like To Send Birthday Greetings To Two Great Institutions: The United States Of America & The Voice Of The Yankees, John Sterling

UPDATE: Oh shit I just remembered: HAPPY BIRTHDAY GEORGE STEINBRENNER!

Jesus of Trenton has an off-day: 3 for 4 but no HR

What the hell are we going to do with this kid?

He's pulverizing the Eastern League -- after dominating the pitching-dominant Florida State League.

He's 20. But yesterday, he DHed at Trenton.

If he keeps this up, good grief! It's scary. His bat might be ready for The Show... now.

But would we bring up a 20-year-old DH? Of course not. He's probably at least 2 years away from MLB quality as a catcher. He can't move to 1B because of Teixiera. Outfield? They better start moving him. DH? What a waste.

If this guy keeps hitting like this, the Yanks have a problem on their hands: The best hitting prospect in baseball... and no position for him. Yeeesh.

Redsocks to county: "Drop dead but give us your money!"

Poised to receive an unbelievable $75 million for a new spring training facility from impoverished, real-estate-disaster ground-zero Lee County, the redsock brain trust refused to share vital information with their benefactors.

Typical douchebaggery from John Henry's gang.

What Does Peter Gammons Have To Hide?

Quick question, and I don't want people to get mad here...

Are Walter Cronkite's kids Redsock fans?

I remember one of them dating Carly Simon's daughter.

She always struck me as the type who'd be a Redsock fan.

Not tryin' to start something. Just askin'.

I've Changed My Tune.

In order to make certain that my comments are not construed in such a manner that another celebrity passes on, I have changed my attitude.

To wit:

1. Time will prove that the trades we made for Hinske, Marte and Nady were the best in Cashman's reign.

2. Joba may be the next major league starter to win 30. And he'll do it without going to jail afterwards.

3. Edwar Ramirez and Kei Igawa will save the Yankees season, this year, and lead us to the World Series.

4. Even if we trade Francisco Cervelli, Ramiro Pena and Austin Jackson for the rights to Barry Bonds, all true Yankees fans will thrill to Barry's first homer in the new stadium.

5. I hope roger Clemens starts feeling the urge to return to baseball and the Yankees , come August.

6. The Yankees can't pay CC Sabathia enough if you ask me.

7. I don't care what the numbers show, I want Robbie Cano up with the bases loaded, against anyone at any time, with one out.

8. Hideki can again be a great outfielder for us.

9, Alex does not need a rest, and Joe is right to think he can be a base stealing force for the team.

10. Bruney will soon show why Joe has stuck with him as our bridge to Mariano.

11. Duque is correct; Derek is our long-term play at shortstop. We don't need a back-up at all.

" Merrily we roll along, roll along, roll along, merrily we......."

An Open Letter to Eric Hinske

Dear Madam or Sir,

Prove us wrong.

We are not happy with the trade that made you a Yankee. Nothing personal. Not your fault. Rest assured, we will root for you. Get a big base hit, win the World Series, and we'll take everything back.

But, sir, you symbolize a problem with the organization, and it worries us.

We do not need to get older. We're old enough, thank you.

Before you arrived, there was a kid named Ramiro Pena. He played well, gave everything he had. Often, he served as a late inning replacement for Jeter -- actually, he was defensive improvement -- and he stole bases as a pinch runner. Now he's in Scranton, and if there anything that says "So long sucker" in Yankee language, it's "You're going to Scranton for a short time!" Ask Shelley Duncan. Ask Edwar Ramirez. Ask Kei Igawa. Ask any of them. A ticket to Scranton is like being fired from a cannon to shake rain from an empty cloud. Big bang, and you're forgotten.

The team does not need to get slower. We are slow enough, thank you.

Pena stole bases. Another kid, Francisco Cervelli, beat out infield hits. Say goodbye to Cervelli. He's going to Scranton, and Jose Molina will take his place. Good man, Molina. Slow as brain cancer.

So, as for you... get some big hits. Field thirdbase. You're not in Pittsburgh anymore.

Prove us wrong. We will welcome you. Until then...

Everywhere else in baseball, young and fast is preferred over old and slow. Only here. And that worries us.

10 Items in Our Farm System That Can Help Us Win the 2009 Pennant

1. Ramiro Pena. (Learning to play the outfield at Scranton? Ouch. We need this guy now. Why do we have this lingering feeling that when people ask who is our long-range shortstop of the future, the answer is "Derek Jeter.")

2. Austin Jackson. (If Melky or Brett go down, who knows: it might be the best thing that ever happened.)

3. Shelley Duncan. (The guy can hit. The guy can fight. One of my favorite Yankee players. Can't we at least package him in a trade? He's dying in Scranton.)

4. Jesus Montero. (Nineteen and burning up Double A. Here's a sickening thought: We could trade him for anybody... anybody. Hello, Mr. Halladay?)

5. Mark Melancon. (Last night he looked dominant -- thanks, River Ave. Blues for the update -- We've been talking about this guy since they signed him as a draft-and-operate. He's looking ready. Bridge?)

6. Sergio Mitre. (Something tells me he'll never pan out, but what do I know? Right now, he's our best bet to step in, if and when one of our starters goes down. He's seasoned. Every year, we resort to at least one Wally Whitehurst.)

7. Austin Romine, Chase Weems, et al. (The other catchers in our system. Along with Jesus, we already had an overabundance last week, before we dropped $3 million on a 16-year-old in the Latino pimp auctions yesterday. One of these days, some team will cut bait with a premier player. We could keep Jesus and send a package, which would include one of these kids. Hold your nose at the thought, because Jesus might not ever catch a game in the majors.)

8. The entire bullpen of Scranton. (There's Edwar, there's Jonathan, there's Bush, there's a slew of guys who are pitching hot and cold. Whomever has the hot hand here could be our shot in the arm.)

9. Kei Igawa. (Added here to enhance trade value. Because we all need dreams.)

10. Ivan Nova. (Longshot... but not the first on this list. This guy was too young and unseasoned for San Diego to seriously draft in the Rule 5 last December. But they did. They saw something. He didn't make the cut and we got him back. Maybe a light switched on. He's rolled through the system, and he's now at Scranton. Who knows?)

Winning Streak Dead, Celebrities Alive

To the Yankiverse:

As we suffered last night's brutal defeat, fans of our greatest celebrities were gathered around radios and television sets, waiting for news updates in their makeshift bunkers, pitched in tender reflection as they struggled to whisper their goodbyes into the ether of memory.

Yes, we lost a baseball game. But good viewers across the globe will not have to face this holiday weekend with yet another beloved star of stage and screen yanked from their emotional grasp and thrown into the watery canals of Eternity.

I have never more proud of this team.

Spake a poet, long ago: "Greater love hath no man than this, than he who lay down his life for his celebrities."

This holiday weekend, let the bells of Yankee victory sound across this great land... and let them toll only for our foes upon the battlefield.

Today, Walter Cronkite lives. And that's the way it is.

Sixth-inning shocker ...

The bases were left loaded in Yankee Stadium ... by a team other than the Yankees!

Quick, put up a new monument in the park.

Letter to the Editor

Syracuse Post-Standard

July 2, 2009

To the Editor:

I agree with the person who wrote about Michael Jackson.

Programs are being pre-empted to talk about his life. I would much rather hear about Farrah Fawcett or Ed McMahon. It seems they were forgotten as soon as Jackson died.

They didn't have a checkered past. Farrah and Ed were important people, too. Show them some respect.

Patricia Thompson
Sandy Creek

Cronkite's still kicking, so this may have to do

The Associated Press reports that Anna Karen Morrow, who had a recurring role as "Mrs. Chernak" on Peyton Place and played a "Sarpeidon mort" (left) on one episode of Star Trek in the 1960s, has died.

Among her other memorable roles, (according to IMDB):

"Woman #1" on an episode of "Gunsmoke"

"Miss Carr" on two (yep, two!) episodes of "Marcus Welby, M.D."

"Latin Stewardess" (uncredited) in "Holiday for Lovers"


OK, so we're reaching here ... really reaching ... but it's only the Mariners, so it might be enough.

Editor's note: Like el Duque put in his Karl Malden post -- we at It Is High take no joy in the deaths of any celebrity, and we offer our condolences to the families of all the celebrities who have kicked the bucket in the last week or so ... but hey, every game counts.

Shelley Duncan loves fans as much as he hates scouts

Walter Cronkite is dying

Game at 7:05 p.m.

Jesus of Trenton Cometh Up Biggeth Againeth

Jesus Montero, praise him!, just hitteth his 4th home runneth in three days in the Eastern Leagueth.

He'd gotten off to a slow start after being promoted from Tampa.

Still don't know whether we're raising a catcher or DH. But it is sure is a good thing that they limited his catching time at Charleston and Tampa over the last two years. You wouldn't want that glove to develop too quickly.

Awwwww, have faith.

It's almost time to celebrate the purchasing of this year's crop of Latino teenage boys

It's July 2-5... MLB Latino Boy Exploitation Weekend!

Let's all unwrap the presents under our tree, the 16-year-old boys from South of the Border, thanks to Major League Baseball's wise system of plantation pedophilia -- mixed with graft!

Yes, when you can sign a boy at 16, it means he's been scouted, pimped, processed and pedaled from roughly age 12!

Congratulations, Bud Selig (at $18 million salary, he's the Bobby Abreu of Commissioners!) on another successful cattle drive!

Cashman Reverts To Failed Strategy As Gift To Hank and Hal

In a sudden withdrawal from a formula which mixed youth with experience, up and comers with superstars, and speed with power, Brian Cashman has reverted to a strategy guaranteed to result in failure.

He is now re-building the Yankee franchise based upon past and buried credentials.

Cashman clearly believes that the more long-term veterans on a team, the better the chances.

Of what, exactly?

The trade for Eric Hinske is the latest evidence of a Cashman strategy to add age and experience in favor of youth, energy and prospective greatness.

In one bold move, Brian has not only traded away two 23 year old prospects for a worn down 32 year old has-been, but depleted the active Yankee roster of a 23 year-old who was exceeding expectations everytime he was given an opportunity to play.

The best defensive shortstop on the Yankees since we blew off Ozzie Smith, Pena will now learn how to play the outfield in Scranton.  

Why not have him pitch, I say? 

 Let's take his natural and well-developed skill set and neutralize it.  Hell, let's ruin it.

Make him another no position guy whom we can then package with a no talent guy ( I'm thinking Ian Kennedy here ), and get back anyone over 36 years of age.

Hinske was such a loser that he couldn't play for the last place Pirates.  Now we get him to sit around. Face it, Brian, you already got taken to the cleaner with your last Pirate's deal.  You think this one will even things up?

 Maybe the Yankees can fashion an all beer league outfield, with Hiske and Swisher at the corners and Molina in center.

It is now clear that when Molina returns and Cervelli gets sent down ( to learn 3rd base no doubt), there will be no one who it is actually exciting to watch.

 We already know what to expect from Derek, Jorge, A-Rod, Damon, etc. and I'm quickly tiring of Joba's 5+ innings, 3-4 earned runs, a 91 mph fast ball and 106 pitches as a starter on the rise.

What's next?  

Why not send Phil Hughes back to Scranton to work out at first base,when Damaso Marte comes back?  

 Brian has to get something out of Marte or he will forever be a laughing stock as a GM wheeler dealer.  And, I'm just sure Marte will be " lights out" now that he has recovered 

( I'm sorry; what was his injury exactly?  Couldn't pitch.)  Oh.

Don't even think about what Cashman will do come the trading deadline.  Goodbye Austin Jackson, for one thing.  

Get ready to welcome Barry Bonds to the new stadium.  That right center alley is inviting.  And think of the publicity for the Yankees.  Barry Bonds hits 800th HR at age 54 !!!

One month until the Giants begin training camp.

Yankeetorial: At last, I understand the Hinske trade

(How to Beat a Dead Horse, Continued)

Last night, John -- after noting that it is a beautful town with wonderful people and a fantastic ballpark -- basically said Pittsburgh is such a baseball dump that it makes Gitmo look like Six Flags Over Hershey. He said it was heartwarming to see the look on Eric Hinske's face, now that he is a Yankee.

Today, we hear from the Hinsk himself: "I missed the American League, I missed the way games are played here. ... It's awesome to be back."

OK, now I get it.

Hinske has some incurable disease, he's dying, and the Yanks have achieved an act of supreme kindness. This is George's version of the Make-a-Wish Foundation.

Sorry, folks. Maybe I'm wrong. (Been wrong before; I predicted Cyndi Lauper would outlast Madonna.) But once Molina's tired body claims to be ready, we'll send back to the coal mines not only Ramiro Pena but Francisco Cervelli. We're the portrait of Dorian Gray.

Older, slower, clunkier, with fewer game options.

You can say Pena and Cervelli need seasoning. But they sure didn't play like unseasoned rookies. Truthfully, did Cervelli look overwhelmed when he homered against the Mets, maybe turning our entire season around?

I understand the loyalty to Molina. You don't lose your job through an injury. I just don't get Hinske. Like I said... hope I'm wrong.

But one last tirade... for all the media brown-nosers who parrot the claim that we gave up nothing of value, just two 23-year-olds, to get such a grizzled vet as Hinske.

We gave up Ramon Ramirez for Sean Chacon. The syncopaths shouted, no loss!

We gave up Damaso Marte for Enrique Wilson. A steal! they said.

We gave up Marcus Thames for Reuben Sierra. Hooray! they brownnosed.

Jose Contraras, D'Angelo Jimenez, Al Leiter... I won't even mention the guy with the weird haircut we sent for Ken Phelps.

Last year's deal with Pittsburgh -- we got Nady and Marte, Judge Crater and Amelia Earhart -- looks increasingly like the only successful trade the Pirates have pulled off in this millenium.

The day we trade a nobody, the reporter, announcer or blogger who claims we gave up nothing of value should be nominated for Yankee Employee of the Month. Because they're on the payroll.

They gave all: The celebrities that launched Yank win streak

It's going to take 100 celebrities to win the AL East.

John nearly nets a 600 WinWarble!

Is he back? A 5.97 puts him nearly into Sterling Silver.

Is Mo kidding, confused or going blind???

So I'm listening to Suzyn's can't-miss "Star of the Game" feature after Wednesday's win over the hapless Mariners.

Despite her convoluted statement-question to the great Mariano Rivera about his mentor, John Wettland, it was fascinating to hear Mo's response to Susyn.

Why?

He called her "Ann."

Twice.

At first, I thought I was hallucinating (thanks for the "candy," Alph) but he said it a second time in response to another pseudo-question.

Does the greatest closer in the history of the game think that announcer-gardener Ms. Waldman is a Baseball Annie (groupie)?

Or is he confusing the feisty redheaded compañera with Annie Savoy of "Bull Durham?"

Is he seeing this?


When he's looking at this?

Luis Castillo Voted June YANKEE EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH

LUIS CASTILLO, "THE JACKIE ROBINSON" OF YANKEE EMPLOYEES OF THE MONTH. THE FIRST NON-YANKEE TO BE PUT ON THE UNOFFICIAL PAYROLL BY IT IS HIGH.

THANK YOU, LUIS, FOR HELPING THE YANKEES IN A TIME OF CRISIS. THE FANS APPRECIATE YOUR WORK.

CURSE, KNOCK YOURSELF OUT!

Shelley Duncan Hates So Many Scouts

What happens when an anonymous scout for another team tells a reporter that a player doesn't deserve to move up to the majors, and the player has a Twitter account?

The player starts to rant mysteriously:

Two minutes later, he posts a link, so we know what he's talking about:

Two minutes later, he's even madder:

Finish your sentence, Shelley. We're waiting.

At Last, A Call For John

John Sterling has so many clever home-run calls to pluck from his quiver whenever the Yankees hit a dinger -- and the Yankees hit a lot of them, Suzyn -- and he even goes that extra mile, taking special care to craft them individually to fit each slugger in pinstripes.

You could say that, more than anyone (with the possible exception of hitting coach Kevin Long), John is a factor in each and every home run hit by a Yankee -- and a lot of those homers can fairly be described as "clutch."

That got me thinking: where's John's call? Who sings of John's power? Who celebrates John's consistency? Where is the attention for John Sterling?

So I sat down and wrote a little something.

Let's try it out, shall we? I'd like you to close your eyes and imagine that the Melkman just delivered, just three or four seconds ago, and John did his call, and it was stirring as usual, and now, in the silence that follows, every good Yankee fan along the Yankees Radio Network opens his or her mouth as wide as it will go and bellows at top of his or her lungs:

JOHN JACKS A CALL OVER THE WALL!
STERLING SILVER!
A LOWE'S BROADCAST BOOTH BLAST BY THE STRAW THAT STERLS THE DRINK!
AND THE YANKEES MAKE IT A TEN-NOTHING* BALLGAME!

*Or whatever the score is.

I'm going to try to do this after every call. I hope you will, too.

John Sterling Autograph Reveals Official Spelling Of Favorite Word

Weirdly, it's "thhhhe."

Bet the house on the Yanks tonight: Karl Malden is dead.

The streak is alive.

Ed. Farrah. Michael. Billy. Fred. Gayle... and now, KARL.

Five and oh, baby! Ride that magic coffin!

EDITOR'S NOTE: We at IIH take no joy from reporting this tragedy. Karl Malden was a great actor. We'll never forget how he handled the punk-upstart Michael Douglas every week in "The Streets of San Francisco." We could have done without his American Express commercials, but -- hell -- a guy has to put bread on the table. It's not like he was Darren McGavin.

EDITOR'S EXTRA NOTE: By no means should anyone think that we would cheer the notion that the Yankees would win mere baseball games by sucking dry the electromagnetic life forces of cherished American stars of stage and screen. It sickens us to have people suggest such things. It's just wrong.

EDITOR'S FINAL NOTE: Make no mistake about this: It is a dark period for the Yankiverse. Today, we are all Marlins.

But, hey, two games out, baby! You know who's really mourning today? BOSTON.

Pirate Fans React to Hinske Trade

A quiet and reserved response surfaced today from Pirates fans all over western Pennsylvania, as  the latest Pirate deal with the Yankees was announced.

For those of you still sleeping under that bridge, 32 year old, reserve bench player, Eric Hinske, was dealt to the Yankees for two 23 year-old prospects.

Hinske was known in Pittsburgh for striking out with the bases loaded ( " better than what Cano does for the Yankees with the bases full," giggled one Pirate loyalist ), eating double cheese, double mayo burgers in between innings, and losing interest in most games by the top of the third inning.

According to one fan, " I saw Hinske actually nod off while playing third base against the Braves, about a month ago.  Lucky for him, nothing came his way. Otherwise, he would have been traded to the Yankees a month ago," he laughed, spitting out his super-sized soda.

A beautiful young woman, attired in a Roberto Clemente jersey, added:  " It's almost like the Yankees have a death wish.  Don't they know we are just dealing losers to them? 

We are trading them players who are burned out, who no one else would take for a fee, and who we know are damaged in some material way. And the Yankees keep sending us young prospects.  Are they total idiots? "

"I mean, do the Yankees have a clue?  Can you imagine,for example, drinking sewage from a well one day, and then coming back to the same well for more? 

 Don't they do any homework?  Don't they see what Boston got, what the Braves got, and what they got?

Have they no memory?  No awareness at all?

No wonder they don't win.

Comedy from the most married couple in America

Sterling Index loses 23 points

Who can warble on the backs of dead celebrities?

Yanks honor Travalena, Storm, keep dead celebrity streak alive

To the Yankiverse:

Certainly, the recent string of victories has brought bittersweet cries amid the echoes of our celebratory gunfire.

We are undefeated -- 5-0 -- since America's most beloved celebrities began dying.

Ed McMahon. Farrah Fawcett. Michael Jackson. Gayle Storm. Fred Travalena.

Five wins. No losses... (aside, of course, from our celebrities.)

Today, we at IIH feel compelled to breathe a sigh of contemplation.

If winning baseball games requires a celebrity to die... well... no sir, that's not what we want.

No, never, nada.

Baseball is merely an illusion. Death to a celebrity is quite real.

No star of stage or screen has died today.

Good.

Perhaps our winning streak must die... so somewhere, a star can continue to shine.

UPDATE: Sit down, everyone, for some absolutely terrible news: Fayette Pinckney is dead.

What Do ARod and Hinske Have in Common?

They both strikeout in the clutch- Hi-Oh!!!

The source of John's secret pain ...

Yes, this is the "funny, funny, funny" thing that John Sterling was referring to in the previous post. The photo is from the June 4 game vs. the Rangers. Sorry about the fuzziness, my camera was so overwhelmed by the wonder of the warble that it refused to focus. (And you can't image how large that video board is until you've actually been in the stadium. It should have its own zip code.)

John WinWarble hits 5.20 seconds... and then he opens his heart to the secret pain

It's not easy being the Voice of the Yankees, even when driven by Jeep.

Last night, John summoned up a 5.20 second WinWarble -- barely breaking the 500 Fran Healy Line -- to punctuate our 5-3 vic over the famous city of "Here Come the Brides." Then something happened.

Here is the warble.




Moments later, the Yankiverse digested this sober self-analysis from the man who, with partner Suzyn Waldman, plays symbolic hubby to the most married couple in America. Sterling watched himself on the Jumbotron -- the Yankees now add garish video images of his WinWarbles to the stadium's menu of attractions -- and gave the world a moment of introspection.

Tip of the hat to commenter TIM, who courageously endured the catcats of the two-person picket line to post one of the most critical messages of this or any other year.

Listen for yourself and feel the turmoil. (Warning: Send children from the room before clicking.)

Yankee Employee of the Month polls close at 1 p.m.

Join the throngs who are celebrating democracy.

We must come back together and celebrate fair and honest elections

To the Yankiverse:

This week, the anxieties of true democracy threatened to open a chasm within our vast community of intellectual supergiants.

For a few moments, we seemed to forget our true enemies:

The Redsocks.

Today, we will christen a new Yankee Employee of the Month -- voted by you, the general public.

We must celebrate this crowning achievement of democracy, then turn our spleens in the direction of those who would gleefully destroy us, if given a leadoff walk in the eighth.

It is time to come together.

Huh.

The Strike Is Over. Back To Your Keyboards.

To the overwhelming majority of IT IS HIGH bloggers and commenters, who refused to blog and comment yesterday in order to fight for free and fair Yankee Employee Of The Month elections: I love you, brothers and sisters. To the scabs: eff you, and do not think this is over.

Also, how 'bout that ballgame? Big win for Bruney.