Plague Theater: Donnie Baseball sells Coke

I like the long-johns reference.

RIP Hank Steinbrenner

Yes, I keep a coffee mug with a quote from Hank Steinbrenner on my desk.

Doesn't everyone?

Hank Steinbrenner dies at age 63

Who need editor? Yankee "Aaron Hick" give update

Yesterday, Yankee player Aaron Hick told some things to the YES Network, saying that things are going good, that Hick is swinging bat, using regular both bat and fungo thing, and that "things have been moving along smoothly." 

That is some really good stuff for Hick, who playered in 59 games last year because he hurt some things, twice, and then he returned for the playoffs, and then in the playoffs, he hurt his elbow doing something, and now he is now expected to be sitting on his can until July, around when everything is all heeled and really good again, so he can once again "take the field!"

Asked what he does every day, Hick said he does his exercises every day and, "Then I go... back home and just hang out and watch TV and just relax." And like I said, that's some really good stuff for Hick and all the Yankees peoples, who need everything to be heeled and really good again in order to have "a winning team!" 

Virtual Yankees, Monty Bombed and Strafed in Texas. Stanton Still Missing.

The virtual New York Yankees dropped to 11-6 today, four games behind the red-hot Rays, as Jordan Montgomery, making his second start of the season, was blitzkrieged by the Texas Rangers, 8-3, in Arlington.

Monty was hit early and often, surrendering long home runs in each of the first three innings and failing to finish five complete.  The main Yankees highlight was provided by D.J. "Mr. Perfect" LeMahieu, who hit a hustle-double, stole third, then scored on a slow groundout by Estevan Florial, starting his first game a a Yankee.

Despite chalking up his first major-league RBI, Florial was 0-4.

"I'm not worried about that kid," Manager Ma Boone said afterwards.  "He has a high ceiling."

Meanwhile, worry increased as to the whereabouts of consistently absent slugger Giancarlo Stanton.

The Yankee "outfielder" was reportedly sighted loping along a deep forest trail in northern New Mexico yesterday, alongside an eight-foot-high creature covered completely in fur and looking like a cross between a man, an ape, and a bear.

("The creature, not Mr. Stanton," New Mexico state police specified.)

It was also reported to have exceedingly large feet.

"We're just glad that Giancarlo has found companionship in the wilderness," Yankees GM Brian Cashman told reporters at a press conference assembled around his hospital bed, where he is still recuperating from a lizard-misrecognition accident.  "From what we understand, he is headed in the direction of Arlington, which is a good sign, and the size of his friend is intriguing.  Maybe we can talk him into a workout if and when they both arrive at the ballpark."

Today marked the 17th consecutive day that no Yankee was reinjured while in rehab, something Cashman termed, "a significant milestone."

Plague Theater: Mickey's 500th

No, it doesn't seem like yesterday.

Then again, neither does yesterday.

In market-stabllizing move towards normalcy, Jose Canseco attacks A-Rod

Relax, everybody. The economy is dead, the virus is raging, tornadoes are ripping the south, but one great bellwether of American wacko-hubris remains stable: 

Jose Canseco still hates A-Rod.

This is baseball's version of the Tiger King, with a dollop of Sunset Boulevard. Imagine Canseco, now 55, pacing the concrete floor of his self-quarantine bunker, drinking Joe Weider protein shakes, zoom-chatting with Putin and Lenny Dykstra like super-villains plotting to kill Batman - and he still makes time to take a swing at our beloved national treasure.

These days, isn't everyone supposed to love A-Rod? Trump phoned him to talk about the virus. This weekend, he appeared on MSNBC, talking about about his love for baseball, his love for humanity, and his love for the last episode of Ozark. Nobody mentioned Jose.

My favorite part of their ongoing feud is Canseco's challenge to fight A-Rod in the Octagon. This, for me, is reason to live.

Thank you, sir.

Virtual Baseball: Yanks Thump A's; Stanton Still in Wilderness.

The Virtual New York Yankees today took the rubber game of their Easter weekend set against the Oakland Athletics, 13-5, but the Yanks and their fans grew increasingly concerned over the whereabouts of slugger Giancarlo Stanton.

The Yanks fell behind early today, with undefeated J.A. Happ on the mound.  Happ looked lethargic in the opening frames, surrendering a two-run blast to former Yank Dustin Fowler, and a run-scoring double to also former Yank Jorge Mateo.

But the Yankees' starter settled down and turned in eight strong innings, apparently incensed after Oakland fans started chanting, "Happ, Happ/ Look at that crap/ He can't find the plate with a Google map."

"I don't know what it is about my name, but I wish people would stop with these stupid rhymes," a still angry Happ said after the contest.  "Just quit it already."

The Bombers bounced back ,buoyed by a long, three-run homer from Clint Frazier, a bases-clearing triple from Brett Gardner, and a rare, non-avian dinger from Gleyber Torres.  D.J. LeMahieu had three more hits, and played magnificently in the field.

Afterwards, though, the Yankees and their manager were preoccupied by the latest reports out of Colorado.  Rescuer workers in the Rockies have succeeded in locating the train that Giancarlo Stanton was taking to Oakland, Amtrak's "Donner Party," which was derailed after a bridge washout.

All of the passengers were reported to be safe and sound—save for Stanton, who witnesses said refused to wait on relief efforts.  

"He just up an' said, 'Dang it, fellas, point me to Texas,' an' walked off into the wilderness," an old-timey prospector who led rescuers to the train recounted, amidst copious amounts of spitting  "I told him it might take him a spell to get there, but he said he didn't care.  Said it would be a journey of self-discovery, if nuthin' else.  Whatever the fuck that means."

Arlington, Texas is, indeed, the site of the Yankees' next scheduled game, but club officials were skeptical that the outfielder could make it there by Monday.  They also remained skeptical that Stanton could play the outfield.  

Plague Theater: Turkish Superman

Plague Theater: Yogi sells Camels

But only because they taste good.

Time to board the Seoul Train: South Korea launches spring exhibitions in 10 days

That was the week that was. It's over, let it go. Oh, what a week it was...

Did you know that neanderthals made string? I didn't, until last week. 

Did you know that Lady Gaga wears glasses?* I didn't, until last week.

(*Note: In longstanding celeb tradition, Lady wears specs when being intellectual.) 

Did you know the virus kills people under age 25? The governor of Florida didn't, until last week.

Now comes the kicker: Did you know we may soon have baseball again? I didn't, until today!

The South Korean Baseball Organization has resumed workouts and plans to re-launch its exhibition season April 21 - only two Netfix binges from Tuesday. In recent KBO intra-squad games - I swear I'm not making this up - some players wear masks. This I gotta see.

Today's Gray Lady reports concerns about the re-start. Though South Korea has reduced the number of new coronavirus cases to just 64 - (that's nationwide, mind you) - nobody knows if the relaunch can work. All players remain quarantined. Before hitting the field, their temperatures are taken. One outbreak could sink the season. Basically, this experiment will dictate whether MLB can play in 2020. 

But here's the takeaway: Any games, however weird, are still baseball. 

The crack of the bat! The whoosh of a slide! The flump of a fastball hitting ribs! And the wheedle of commentators as we each pick our favorite team. Here's how the KBO finished 2019.

Who should we support? This is no easy choice. Way I see it, the Twins, Bears, Tigers, Giants, Lions and Eagles - because of their namesake affiliation with U.S. franchises - should be disqualified. That leaves the Wiz, Dinos, Heroes and Wyverns as our potential house team.

I am open to suggestions. Many of us are Dinos. We consider ourselves Heroes. I have no idea what a Wyvern is. Right now, I'm leaning toward the KT Wiz, in part because they have a 19-year-old slugger named Baek-ho Kang, who hit .336 last year. A budding star the Yankees could sign? Nobody beats the Wiz, right? 

Hold onto your masks, comrades. We may soon have baseball after all. 

Virtual Baseball: Yanks Rally to Nip A's. Stanton Train Missing in Washout.

The Virtual New York Yankees today rallied to beat the Oakland Athletics, 7-6, in a spirited contest at the Thunderdome.

Yanks starter Masahiro Tanaka suffered his first rough outing of season, giving up five runs in just four innings.  It looked as though Tanaka might be removed from the game when a ligament from his right arm fell out on the pitching rubber, but the Japanese hurler simply stuffed it back into his soupbone and continued.  Home plate umpire Joe West called Tanaka for a balk.

The game was decided when Miguel "El Matador" Andujar and D.J. LeMahieu hit back-to-back triples in the top of the ninth.  It was the fourth hit of the afternoon for LeMahieu, who continues to lead the young season in batting with a .385 average.

"The General's" hit only tied the game, but he subsequently scored what proved to be the winning run on a squeeze bunt by Brett Gardner.

In the bottom of the ninth, Oakland seemed on the verge of knotting the score again, but El Matador Andujar gunned down former Yankee Dustin Fowler, after Fowler led off the ninth with a single against Sweats Chapman and stole second.  Trying to score on a single by former Yankee Jorge Mateo, he was just nailed at home by Andujar's peg to the plate.

In other Yankees news today, the Amtrak passenger train, "Donner Party," carrying reformed slugger Giancarlo Stanton to Oakland, was reported missing after a flash flood and bridge washout in the Rockies.

With no word on Stanton's whereabouts, Yankees GM Brian Cashman, still recuperating from a lizard mis-recognition accident, called up centerfielder Estevan Florial to the big team.  Floral was batting .176 with no extra-base hits and 1 RBI for the Trenton Thunder, but is still consider the Yanks' no. 2 prospect.

Esteval is believed to have a high ceiling.

Plague Theater: Mickey Mantle sells cereal

Dick Groat for Eddie Matthews? Tough trade.

The proposed realignment of teams looks like a practical joke

According to the Internet, MLB is pondering a bizarre divisional setup for the increasingly endangered 2020 season. Here's the proposal, as floated in the latest round of ether.

GRAPEFRUIT LEAGUE

• NORTH: New York Yankees, Philadelphia Phillies, Toronto Blue Jays, Detroit Tigers, Pittsburgh Pirates.
  
• SOUTH: Boston Red Sox, Minnesota Twins, Atlanta Braves, Tampa Bay Rays, Baltimore Orioles.
  
• EAST: Washington Nationals, Houston Astros, New York Mets, St. Louis Cardinals, Miami Marlins.

CACTUS LEAGUE

• NORTHEAST: Chicago Cubs, San Francisco Giants, Arizona Diamondbacks, Colorado Rockies, Oakland Athletics.
  
• WEST: Los Angeles Dodgers, Chicago White Sox, Cincinnati Reds, Cleveland Indians, Los Angeles Angels.
  
• NORTHWEST: Milwaukee Brewers, San Diego Padres, Seattle Mariners, Texas Rangers, Kansas City Royals.
• 
  

Zoiks. You can argue that anything is better than nothing. But at first glance, this looks flat-out batty. Of course, it's based entirely on where teams play spring training. After that, nothing makes sense. Some cocktail napkin observations: 

Tampa doesn't even get to play in its own town. Do the Yankees become Tampa's home team? 

The Yankee-Redsock rivalry goes down the tubes, along with the Cubs-Cards and Giants-Dodgers. 

Gleyber Torres won't get to hit 20 home runs against the Orioles.

Considering that MLB would surely play a short season, you wonder if six divisions are necessary.

Again, anything is probably better than nothing. But the biggest conclusion from this plan is the daunting task of creating a season on the fly. 

Virtual Baseball: Jet-Lagged Yanks Fall in Oakland. Stanton Taking Train.

A jet-lagged Yankees team staggered into Oakland today and saw its Virtual Reality winning streak come to an end.  Playing as though they were still dead drunk in first class, the Yanks committed three errors, and lost 3-2 to the Athletics in their weird, spooky, Thunderdome-like stadium.

Gerrit Cole took the loss, though the blame fell mostly on catcher Gary Sanchez.  While Sanchez hit two tape-measure home runs into the vastness of Oakland-Alameda County Colossal Coliseum, his back-to-back passed balls let two runs score in the sixth inning, tagging Cole with the loss.

Asked if this was a sign that his trouble handling pitches was back, Sanchez told reporters, "Go fuck yourselves!  I was exactly at par today:  two runs in, two runs out."

The Yanks dropped to 9-5 on a less-than-good Friday.

Meanwhile, the increasingly eccentric slugger Giancarlo Stanton, who has to play a game this season, refused to take the team plane to Oakland, saying that he wanted to shrink his carbon footprint.

Stanton took Amtrak instead, citing its carbon bang-for-buck, and also the train service's reputation for outstanding food.  He is expected to arrive in Oakland by Sunday, the day of the team's last game there.

JuJu During Corona

Meanwhile, back at the JuJu baseball gods' warehouse, things are not good.  Never a nice place to work, it's worse than ever now that their evil bosses, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, are off joyriding around the planet.

The only face masks available are the bandanas recommended by the CDC.  For gloves, they are wearing the catchers mitts of obscure Yankees receivers:  Jake Gibbs, Bob Tillman, Frank Fernandez, Ellie Rodriguez, Charlie Sands, John Ellis.

Ventilators?  You want ventilators?  All they have are converted hookahs.

And the toilet paper?  That ran out weeks ago.  They're down to their most beloved scorecards of Great Yankee Pineapples.  Game 7 of the 2001 World Series went last Thursday.  Now they're starting on the 2004 ALCS.

There is nothing to do, no one to bother.  Even Indians fans are leading balanced, reasonably happy lives these days.  Isolation?  Quarantine?  Death?  It still doesn't compare to your average baseball season in Cleveland.

The Juju gods are now on their 5000th, Strat-o-matic replay of the 1998 season, and they still can't get that Yankees below 104 wins.  They've even played 1,250 seasons in which the Yanks win at least 120 games.  

The only Indian takeout place gives them food poisoning, every time.  There's no dog to walk, only a pangolin.  Somebody accidentally erased their recording of Altuve's walkoff homer from last year in favor of a Martha Stewart rerun, and they're getting bored to death even watching Mazeroski waltz around the bases.

They've been gathering up whole boxes full of scorpions, cacti, snakes, diseased gerbils, and other desert vermin for the proposed Arizona league.  But when is that going to come off?

And even for Juju gods, what good is baseball without an audience?  If a pineapple happens in an empty stadium, can anyone hear you scream?

Back to the canasta set, with the three missing cards.  Back to the game of War that just won't end, and the stalemates in Risk and Monopoly, and what the hell happened to the Parcheesi set?

Back to another can of refried beans.  No one to torment, no one's hopes to raise—and then dash.

Baseball.  Even the worst gods can't do without it.

Correcting ESPN.

Usually, I don't go in for throwing shade on our lowly competitors, such as the ethically compromised, ever more boring ESPN.  (Even before the Sports Apocalypse, it was in a death spiral, in my oh-so-humble opinion.)

But reporting that THIS is the day the New York Yankees became the New York Yankees is beyond the Pale.

It is not true, and cannot be allowed to stand.

The truth:  in the early days of baseball, team nicknames were very fluid and changeable, often created just to serve headline writers.

The Brooklyn team was called the "Bridegrooms" one year because a lot of the players got married in the off-season.  Later, they were the "Superbas" because the manager was the famous Ned Hanlon, and there was a popular vaudeville troupe called "Hanlon's Superbas."

Later they became the "Robins" after Mgr. Wilbert Robinson (and to the end of their stay in Brooklyn, the team was often referred to as "the Flock" in headlines).

Same thing for your New York Yankees.

They were, it is true, originally called "the Highlanders."  The reasons why are not clear.  It was maybe because they were playing up on Washington Heights, or because they were playing to the north of the other Manhattan team, the Giants; or because one of the Tammany sachems serving as a front for the team's owners was named Gordon.

BUT...BUT...even in the first year of the American League team in New York—1903—it was often called "the Yankees."

The reasons why are again obscure.  It was probably because either they were in the "American" League, or because, again, they were north of the Giants.  (Headline writers of the time seem to have been obsessed with Manhattan geography.)

But we were Yankees from the beginning!

What YES Is Up To.

El Duque's searing critique of the YES Network got me to thinking:  what could they possibly be doing, showing last March 28th's victory over the Orioles?  

Could they finally have tired of repeating their sadly limited array of "Yankees Classics"?  Could they somehow be out of Nets' or—Heaven forbid—NYCFC "Classics"?  

Why this game?

A perusal of YES' upcoming schedule—much like Paul Reiser in Diner, pictured above—perusing the order of the big eater in the diner ("Tank"?)—made me realize what's going on.

Reiser:  "Oh, I see, he's going for the whole left side of the menu!"

Me:  "Oh, I see!  YES is going to show every Yankees win in 2019.  All 108 of them. " 

Or at least, that's what it looks like.

While I would rather see every win in the 1977, 1978, 1998, 1999, 2000, or 2009 seasons, I gotta say, there's a certain, stirring madness in this.  

Plague Theater: Roger Maris makes a few extra bucks

APBA. Strat-o-Matic. Roger Maris.

Why isn't he in the Hall of Fame?

The Forbes valuation and Evil Empireness

Here's the thing about the Yankees' $5 billion Forbes valuation. The next highest valued team is the LA Dodgers--AND WE'RE WORTH 47% MORE THAN THEY ARE.

That's crazy. We should have the gaudiest collection of all-star players ever assembled on a single team. We should throw money at everyone who looks good and sort it out later. Instead, we play Shoppin' the Scrapheap.

After

Before

Today, ESPN informed me that it's the 107th anniversary of the Highlanders becoming the Yankees, the most storied team in sports.

It was also pointed out in a short  "Evil Empire" article that the Yanks have 27 rings, more than any other team by far, yadda yadda yadda. 

The thing is, they won 20 by 1962. That means 7 WORLD SERIES TITLES IN 57 FUCKING YEARS. 

And when you remember that four of those seven came via the great late-90s team, that's pretty damn sparse.

We may or may not be evil, but no way in hell we're an empire. I don't count a team as an empire when they're 7 for the last 57. Heinz's product lineup is more consistent than that.

We were an empire, many many many years ago, and a little mini-empire for a handful of seasons 20 years ago. But calling the Yankees an empire is like calling Moldova a superpower. It's ridiculous. (By the way, I worked across the street from the Moldovan embassy for a while, the saddest, shabbiest looking place, on an out-of-the-way side street.)

And in truth, the only evil thing about this non-empire is the mega-billionaire skinflint in the corner office. The penny pincher. The coupon clipper. The garbage picker. Never an emperor.


P.S. I also saw that Mark Reynolds is retiring. The Yankees are listed as one of a bunch of teams he's been with over the past five seasons. I honestly don't recall that, at all. Did he ever get in a game? One thing, I bet he came pretty cheap.

Did we all die, and this is eternity? Consider the YES Network's daily lineup

An old-fashioned global lock-down is the perfect occasion to catch up on those bucket list items you've been putting off years. 

Hobbies like, well, taxidermy! Here's you chance to restore that road-killed squirrel to a murderous snarl that will enliven some child's nightmares forever. Or restore that old Salton Home Yogurt-Making Machine, which has been in the basement since your cholesterol count came to rival that of Curly Culp. (Remember him?) Or, well, reading things - like, um, Yankee blogs! even though there hasn't been one iota of true Yankee news since the economic system crashed into the wall like Minny Minoso. Not one scintilla of news. Nobody has gotten injured (that we know.) Nobody has messed up (that we know.) Everything remains frozen in place, except for you and me: We've gotten older and craggier. 

But enough happy talk! Today, let's discuss the real casualty of this corona war: The always enchanting YES Network. Yesterday, Forbes ranked the Yankees as America's most valuable baseball franchise - by far - with a net worth at $5 billion. Nobody else close. Nevertheless, the YES Network has been regularly valued at nearly twice that of the Yankees, making the Steinbrenner family even richer than they seem, and making Food Stamps Hal's obsession with paying luxury taxes far more pathetic and infuriating. On the scale of his net worth, the luxury tax is the rough equivalent of tipping a waitress in a diner. Yet Hal fights as if his home is about to be repossessed. Amazing.

But this is about YES, which this evening will air "YES, We're Here," an exciting discussion between announcers Michael Kay and Ryan Ruocco on how they're spending the quarantine. This makes taxidermy a very real alternative. Two talkers talking about what they're doing around the house. Wow. 

Well, here's the real truth: 

We died, and this is Hell. 

Let's try something. Go to your front door. Open it. Do you find that you cannot step outside? That when you walk to the driveway, you hear a POOF and suddenly find yourself back in the living room, holding the channel changer and watching YES? That's not a sixties drug flashback. That's fucking eternity. Turns out, you were a bad person. And here's your reward for a lifetime of evil: YES, We're Here.

Yes, you're here: Hell. And here is today's TV schedule.

Imagine the poor YES engineering schlupp who must run the board today? Has there ever been a sadder lineup? The network is running a game last March against the O's. That's a Yankee Classic? And let's not forget the great Brooklyn Nets game against the (Name the city; I'd have to look it up, but I won't) Pelicans from last November.

Listen: Unless it's a game where Charles Oakley punches out a Dolan, who wants to watch any NBA regular season rerun? 

My guess is that YES's April ratings fell below the annual Yule Log (in July, that is), or is hovering around one of those six-hour canal boat rides on YouTube. The ads must show Glenn Beck hawking gold coins, or Tom Selleck urging you to remortgage the house. 

So, we get to learn how Michael Kay is spending his quarantine. I wonder if we'll see him wearing an apron? Excuse me, I'm going for a walk.

POOF. WTF? How did I get back here...?