Sunday, June 27, 2010

A.J. needs Royal Jelly

Unlike other Yankee blogs, which merely whine after losses and take credit for victories, we at IT IS HIGH pride ourselves on taking an active interest in enhancing the performance and experiences of our livestock. And today, like every sentient being in the Yankiverse, we're worried about A.J. Burnett.

He looks tired, sluggish, bumbling -- and he's suffering from the Apri Javys. He needs a boost. He needs a supplement that won't force Bud Selig's to appear in sunshine -- and thus explode.

He needs Royal Jelly.

Long ago while dining in Amish Country, facing a mound of flapjacks the size of an oil drum, we read the placemat that changed our lives. It extolled nature's greatest secret: the power of the bees. Einstein used Royal Jelly while formulating relativity. Christopher Columbus survived the trip across the Atlantic on nothing else. Dudley Moore used it during the filming of the hit-movie "Arthur." Royal Jelly comes from bees, who go about their furry business with Yankeelike pride and power. Every bee is Derek Jeter, running out grounders, making the play, saying the right words in the post-game interview.

After a few dollops of Royal Jelly, we achieved a new, more enhanced and robust reality. We had to pull off the side of the road. Of course, the Amish had seen it all before -- they understand nature -- but it usually occurred in the pasture, not the Ford Maverick.

The Royal Jelly complex includes bio-active compounds, with a wide array of naturally evolving ingredients, including 10-HDA -- which is found nowhere else in nature! In 1989, after the Yankees traded Al Leiter for Jesse Barfield, Royal Jelly proved to be only substance that saved Alphonso from leaping off the Tapan Zee Bridge.

It is time for A.J. to forget Dave Eilland. He's not coming back. It's time for Vitamin Bee.

And if that does work, he should try Kansas City Royal jelly.

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