Experts say BP "dramatically" underestimated crappiness of Baltimore pitching staff

Maryland _ Scientists monitoring the Baltimore Orioles Tuesday announced the discovery of a 30-loss plume of Jose Veras/Edwar Ramirez droplets lurking 3-miles deep within the roster, extending previous estimates of how long it will take the troubled franchise to recover to once pristine MLB standards.

"We have not been able to cap this gusher," officials said, of the Orioles' losses. "The next move may be dispersants."

In April, before hits began leaking through the O's infield, some had suggested the team would respond quickly to an injection of talent and free agents. Last night, after horrifying videos showed a huge volume of baseballs flying out of the park, officials determined that such hopes were outlandish.

"This isn't a matter of months," one said. "We may be talking years."