FIFTY THOUSAND MOONS
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Today's Essay Assignment: In 100 words or less, describe the reaction across baseball yesterday if it had been the Yankees instead of the Blue Jays who cut the deal with Miami
Posted by el duque at 6:33 AM
For starters, zombie Bowie Kuhn claws his way up from the grave - (He's dead, right?) - and steals Bud Selig's hairpiece, holding it for ransom unless Selig nullifies the deal.
Peter Gammons throws himself off the street side of the Green Monster, bounces three times, and goes through Bill Buckner's legs, and at the funeral, the shamed Redsocks announce they would have given Miami a better deal, but the phones are still out from Hurricane Sandy.
Enraged, Tim McCarver goes back into the studio and with help from Tracy Chapman cuts an album of new songs about the Yankees destroying the sanctity of the game.
Alphonso angrily notes that the trade emptied the entire Yankee farm system, and then must be reminded that he predicted none of them would be any good, but he still hates the trade.
When everything concludes, the trade is scrapped, all the players on both teams are donated to the Mets, the Yankees forfeit first round draft picks for trying too hard to win - it's only allowed for other teams - and A-Rod still hits .270 with mediocre power.