666? A-Rod is - well - STILL within two home runs of SATAN.

Monday, November 12, 2012

Who won't we sign? Who isn't coming back? Can we bring canned food to help feed the Steinbrenners? Welcome to the death zone of Yankee news

I read the news today, oh boy...  J-Biebs and Selena Gomez: kaput. Kanye and Kim: dangling. David Petraeus: New meaning to "the surge." John Cusak: Going to play Rush Limbaugh in a move. (Yeah, that makes sense.) And Swish: Not coming back. From now on, he's Swoosh.

Sori won't return. Hiroki Kuroda might not. Andy might not. Eric Chavez and Jason Nix - nixed? Andruw Jones: newp. Torii Hunter? Uh-uh. Josh Hamilton? No. Zach Cranky? Nope. That flame-throwing Korean pitcher? Didn't sign him. Not sure we put in a bid. Nation of Scott Boras: We have Cash, but no cash. Note to Yankiverse: Next year, bring canned food to games, so the Steinbrenners don't starve.

This is the dead zone of Yankee news. As they say in Russian basketball: Nothing but nyet.

Well, wait: We did sign a couple nobodies. Dopy Dildox and Bert Kippleberry! Dominated last year's Topeka indoor league. Who knows?

WTF? What happened to the Yankee 24/7-365-and-a-quarter news of hope stampede? Are we supposed to be sated by hearing that Michael Pineda is throwing off a flat surface? I would be happy to know he's eating off a flat plate. Are we supposed to bustle with the news that Grandyman might be fitted for glasses? I'd just as soon he be fitted for dentures. What's the difference?

Listen: This is what it's like to be a Royals fan. Stories upon stories about who you're not going to sign. And the speculative pieces by 14-year-olds (We'll trade blahblah for Matt Cain...) don't help. This is the dead zone. Thank God for super-duper secret agent Petraeus. Otherwise, this whole month - November is NY Giants Collapse Month - would be worth skipping.

I gotta bad feeling about this, folks. We might be in for a long drought.

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