Thursday, May 30, 2013

Happy Youxeira Day, everybody!

... And so, as the cold night descended upon our weary travelers, Brett, Robbie, Ichy and Pronk kept marching toward the light of day, knowing the Great Valley cannot be far... 

OK, first... seriously, does anyone reading this NOT believe we will be swept and embarrassed tonight by the lone franchise in sports that can run a direct timeline from Choo Choo Coleman to Ike Davis? Because I sure do. You can feel it. You can smell it. We deserve to be mocked and humiliated, and I say, dammitall, let's take our medicine like honorable Yankee fans - that is, screaming and wailing, and using our children as bullet shields.

But... cheer up, everybody. It's almost Youxeira Day! Gifts, candy and DHs lying beneath the Youxeira Tree, singing Youxeira carols, courtesy of the Youexeira Bunny! And don't forget the Ball Drop at Midnight!

Only one more loss - let's get it behind us quickly, like last night - and then we can waive the no-name infield - wait, better idea: send them to Scranton! - and go back to what the Yankees do best: Under-achieving!

Yes, we're going from Overbaying to overpaying. No more Reid Brignac at SS. No more "The Bronx is Vernon" Wells batting third. They are Mudhens who dreamed they were Yankees, and it was wonderful, but now it's time to wake up and find a bus line home to Toledo. That's because tomorrow - ahhh, tomorrow - the skies turn blue, the birds sing, and we welcome to our pinstriped breasts the Rehab Class of 2013: Youk and Tex. Can't you wait to see the lineup?

Bronx is Vernon
The Ichy, Nix and Stew crew

Yes, we're still dead as granite through the bottom third. I think even Ichiro knows the truth about Ichiro. But no matter what happens tonight, we made it. We got to the emergency room before the chest pains took over. Take a day off, Mr. Overbay, Mr. Adams. You earned it. Happy Youxeira Day, everybody! Who wants to cut the cake?


Alphonso said...

I fear it is already too late.

We are four games out of first and falling.

Too far.

Too little time.

And now Phellps can't pitch.

John M said...

Good evening, Mr. Phelps. The envelope accompanying this tape recording holds photos of Ike Davis and Ruben Tejada. These two men are desperate to hold their positions in the foreign corporation of Citimets, operating out of Wilponia. Davis and Tejada will stop at nothing to achieve their goals, and are considered highly dangerous. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to make these men appear invincible and highly competent, allowing them to stay at Citimets and convince its management to keep them in their positions--leading to the company's eventual failure and collapse, to the benefit of Bronxian interests in the region.

As always, if you or your Impossible Mission team are discovered or captured while grooving pitches to Davis and Tejada or fumbling in the field, the Empire will disavow any knowledge of your activities.

Good luck, Dave. This tape will self-destruct in 60 seconds.

Mustang said...

As I'm sure John will stress tonight, WE ARE TIED FOR FIRST IN THE LOSS COLUMN.

Duque, I don't understand what your poll references, but I voted for Youkilis, because he's a Yankee!

joe de pastry said...

We have become the Bronx Bloopers.

John M said...

OK, admittedly, I'm having a slow week at work and writing too many comments. But one thing needs to be said.

Last year, when Jeter was having his best season in some time, he remarked that when a player gets older, any off year or even an off month can get the sportswriters (and a lot of fans) declaring that 'this may be the end.'

Understandable. But now we have clowns like Wallace Matthews on the ESPN site penning drivel like, 'Yanks Are Who You Thought They Were,' and claiming that our 'Patchwork Pinstripes' are reverting to the lameness everyone (like, uh, sportswriters like Matthews) expected from them out of the gate.

Huh. In 2012, we had our usual lineup of greats and near-greats (and near-billionaires), and in the middle of June we were 10 games over .500. We're a couple weeks away from mid-June and I think we have a good shot at a record that good or better.

I can't remember the worst losing streak of 2012, but I know we hit 4 more than once (I think). And we had some terrible stretches of 3-7s over 10 games, four or five times.

But this year, we're the Patchwork Pinstripes. Can't possibly be any good. And the first time we stumble and have a streak of cold bats (something the Real Yankees did with some regularity), everyone smells blood. Oh, they're reverting to form. Oh, they're being as bad as us experts said they were going to be. Oh, even the returning stars might not be able to rescue these stumblebums.

I say, fuck 'em. Fuck 'em all. Jeter wasn't done in 2011, and we're not done this year. And if the stars don't come back, it doesn't matter. April and May were not a fluke.

We're going to have some rough stretches because EVERY TEAM HAS ROUGH STRETCHES, just as we have year in and year out.

No Grandy (please, God), no Tex, no Jete, no A-Rod? It just doesn't matter. We'll make the playoffs, probably win the division, and get creamed in the postseason just like we would if they were all on the field.

Now is not the time to give up. Did America give up when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? No. And we aren't going to give up now.

Prepare the Deathmobile for the homecoming parade, D-Day. We're doing this.

el duque said...


Anonymous said...

The Yankees are just doing their community service and giving Met fans something to live for.

Mustang said...


Anonymous said...


runescape gold said...

The particular envelope accompanying this particular mp3 documenting holds photos of Ove Davis and also Ruben Tejada. These two men are needing to carry their own roles inside the foreign company associated with Citimets, running away from Wilponia. Davis and Tejada stop in nothing to accomplish their dreams, and so are regarded as extremely harmful. The mission, if you undertake to accept the idea, would be to make these kind of guys seem invincible as well as extremely qualified, allowing them to remain at Citimets along with encourage it's operations to make sure they're inside their positions--leading to the firm's ultimate failing along with fall, on the good thing about Bronxian pursuits in the region.

BNS Gold
World of Warcraft Gold Kaufen Billig

Gold For RS

Anonymous said...

I see the why aye Kay enn e e ess Yankees in person once a year. Always bring a Red Sox fan. Always pay too much for tickets on stub hub. This year, the date is June 2nd. First they changed the game to 8pm, which sucks. Then my friend sorta indicated he didn't want to go, so fuck him. Got someone else to go, but the team sucks in sudden and dramatic ways. I don't know anyone on the field, I don't know the new Eddie Layton's name. I don't know who replaced the voice of god, but he sounds like he's the voice of the price is right. The only thing familiar is John and Sue but ESPN that fucked up my schedule by pushing this game to 8 are trying to fuckmthatmup for next year. Lost my job, dog died. Truck broke. Trailer park blew away. Meth lab exploded.