Yankeetorial: Who the Hell Are We Going to Package in a Trade, and What the Hell are We Going to Trade Them For?

Frankly, it's been THE question since we put Burnett and Teixiera into our shopping cart and proceeded to checkout.

The Gammonites won't focus on it this early in the spring, because basically, it's a being a shithead, and why dwell on bad things to players who might someday seek to write a tell-all books with you? But everybody knows it: Somebody gotta go. We can't roll them all back to Scranton, unless we want Brett Tomko leading Charleston against the Savannah Sand Gnats. And let's dispense with the fifth-grader fantasy GM call-in-show bit: "Ya' think Toronto'd give us Roy Halladay for Melky, Igawa, Cody Ransom, Jason Johnson, Juan Miranda, that Berroa guy and cash?"

Way I seez it, we got three itches to scratch:

1. We need a reincarnation of Matt Nokes. Yep, a third-string catcher-lugnut who can smack 20 HRs, block balls in the dirt and clean house in a brawl. Molina can throw out baserunners. This guy would be our third C, our fourth 1B, and our fifth DH. We need three Cs. We'll walk on eggshells all season with Jorge.

2. We need a reincarnation of Luis Sojo. It might be Cody Ransom, though he seems more the second coming of Clay Bellinger. But when we spell Jeet and Robbie, it would be nice to have an absolutely dazzling glove out there. (I really do like Ransom, but he is a viable SS?)

3. We need a ugly guy for the bullpen. With Bruney now an S.I. supermodel and Briton in prison for devouring the entire city of San Diego, who is the pug-ugly, tomato-faced, porkchop-joweled Halloween goon who waddles his fat ass out in the 7th and scares the little millionaire children in the front rows? These 24-year-olds -- David Robertson, Humberto, Melancon -- might throw hard, but we could use a David Weathers, and el Guapo, a Jack Nicholson as serial killer type.

Sidney Ponson of the Netherlands... would you like to become a Disney terror ride bridge to Mariano?