Monday, January 30, 2017

Yankee radio in-game spoken promotions, ranked by obnoxiousness

Spring games are a month away, which means John and Suzyn must be honing their in-game promotion voices. As much as we can't wait for sounds of baseball, let's steel ourselves for the avalanche of new radio crapola. In an average game, we hear 60 promos, each one a nail driven into our heads. Not all teams do this, by the way. It's the Yankees tradition to monetize everything.

So, as we speak, salesmen are fine-tuning the ad time that will turn every 2017 broadcast into a crass geyser of corporate greed. In the spirit of resistance, I say Yankee fans should now be demanding a better AM radio product.

With that in mind, I'm offering the Top 10 Yankee In-Game Radio Promos... Ranked by Obnoxiousness. 

10. “The Rally Moment of the Game... by Rally BMW." This is insidious. Are they bent upon ruining the suspense of every game? There's two outs, two on, the fulcrum point approaching... and they piss all over it by stuffing in an ad. Brilliant. 

9. "The fifteenth out of the game... a fifteen minute call to Geico." It's usually read by Suzyn. Who cares about the fifteenth out? This copy hasn't been changed in - what - fifteen years? For God's sake, can we do something differently? Could she read it in a fake English accent, like the TV lizard? Anything. Please. Spare us.

8. "The asbestos law firm of Levy, Phillips and Konigsberg..." The notion of predatory lawyers recruiting cancer victims in the pre-game show, while "sponsoring" the names of the umpires... Wow. Is there any limit to what the Yankees will do? When I hear this, I remember my grandmother, a lifelong smoker who paid the price for it, and who spent her final years listening to Yankee games on AM radio. She would have been so vulnerable to these lawyers, who so cravenly advertise to people in distress. And yet, they're not the worst, are they...

7. "This call to the bullpen..." It can be Aamco. It can be the Tri-State Ford Dealers. It can be 1-877-KARS-4-KIDS. This is the game's biggest tune-out, because it's a prelude for a 60-second commercial break. If I'm driving, upon hearing those words, I change the channel. Worst part: When the game returns, the pitching change will be sponsored by the New York Smokers Quitline or the New York Lottery - postscript to the break. Cuomo should go to jail for adding to this crap.

6. "Bigelow tea... the official tea of the New York Yankees." This Bigelow lady has the audacity to shill her product in Boston as the official Redsock brand. How can they do this? There's no law against this? There's no fundamental sense of right and wrong? She could advertise in Aleppo as the official tea of ISIS.

5. "And Castro slides into third safe and secure. And you can keep your family safe and secure with New York Life..." This feels like the longest, most drawn out, of all promotions, because no matter how hard he tries to sound interested, John is always a dead man talking. It comes after a big hit - a Yankee player is safe! and it's the immediate letdown. Instead of describing the outfielder's throw, or the close play at third, John lapses into this death decree. Horrible.

4. "Peerless boilers... because that adds up more money in  your pocket." What do think we are, fifth-graders? Like we walk around with our money jingling in our pockets? Like I'm going to buy a boiler?

3. "Celino and Barnes... injury attorneys, dial eight-eight-eight-eight-eight-eight-eight." Ambulance chasers. Yep, the Yankees deal with ambulance chasers. But the worst part is that they actually sing this stupid jingle during their ads. Listen: I've lived more than 60 years. The reason I'm not afraid of death is because it will finally end the stupid jingles that still bounce around like superballs in my head. ("You'll wonder where the yellow went when you brush your teeth with Pepsodent.") This is the dumbest jingle ever. It's like the satire of a jingle. Eighteighteight, eighteighteitghteight....

2. "The Hebrew Home at Riverdale... I've been there. It's like a college campus." Every game, John tries to personalize this bit, by attempting to sound sincere. It doesn't work. He always says the same things. You can hear him emoting, putting extra effort into this, and I suppose at one point, he must have actually gone to the place, probably for some meet-and-greet. I dunno. But make no mistake: This is John's lowest moment as an announcer.

1. "Yankee radio network driven by Jeep." Every half inning. I hear it a million times. This is the ultimate masterpiece of repetitive brainwashing. I say it at home. Naturally, I own several Jeeps, having bought them on impulse, during Yankee games. They sit in the yard. Sometimes, I'll listen to the game in them, pretending to drive. I'll honk when John says those words. The neighbors don't know. They must think it's the Indian Point Power Report. Spare me another year of these.

All right, that's it, I'm going for a walk... into one of CityMD's six convenient locations...


John M said...

As horrible as all of the spoken promos are, this one has a special circle in Hell awaiting it:

"And Castro slides into third safe and secure. And you can keep your family safe and secure with New York Life..."

Not only does it suck, not only does it take too long, but it's a blatant rip-off of the late and beloved Marlon Perkins on Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom. Those hysterical (as in funny...Marlon was never hysterical in the other way) intros into the MoO commercials were classics, and even as kids we loved to parody them. ("The ibex left behind two young ones when it was torn to pieces by a cheetah. Make sure your young ones are cared for before you're torn to pieces, with life insurance from Mutual of Omaha...")

Lack of originality is a sin from which these odious promos cannot be redeemed.

At least Indian Point is being closed down. Somebody must have finally realized that the idea of having a meltdown site next to New York City might be a less than stellar idea. Regardless, at least we won't have to hear the Master plugging it anymore.

John M said...

Sorry, that's Marlin Perkins. I don't know what got into me. But before a deadly disease gets into you, make sure your loved ones are cared for with a policy from Mutual of Omaha.