Thursday, October 5, 2017

10 Reasons the Yankees Will Beat Cleveland (Number 8 will BLOW YOUR MIND!)

1. The world's most feared streaker - (aside from Randy Levine; seriously, nobody wants to see that) - is heating up. I'm referring to Aaron Judge. If he goes thermonuclear, a thinking opponent has no recourse but to walk him, intentionally, time after time. But Cleveland won't do that, because the city is comprised of stubborn, couch-born, post-industrial pugs, who have barely shifted a pillowy butt-cheek since the invention of the TV remote. If Judge hurts them - think of a mouse in a Skinner box, nosing a red button and getting shocked - their response will be to simply push the button harder - generating more electrical jolts. Expect an input-output feedback loop of Judgian homers, some of which will land in Canada.

2. The Girardi Sequence - a little-understood mathematical progression with a precise and terrifying clarity for predicting the future - clearly favors the Yankees. Yes, I realize that this magical numbers stuff runs contrary to the First Iron Law of Sterling. Nevertheless, behold the Sequence since September 1. Here are Yankee games - wins/losses in red/blue. The next four games are extrapolated in gray:

Loss. Win. Blowout.  BlowoutLossWin. CLUNKERWin. Blowout. Blowout.  LossWin. Blowout. Blowout. Blowout. Blowout. LossWin. Win. Blowout. CLUNKER. Blowout. Blowout. Blowout. CLUNKER. Blowout. Win. CLUNKER. WILD CARD WIN. (Blowout.) (CLUNKER) (Win.) (DIVISIONAL SERIES BLOWOUT.)

As anyone can see, after the Yankees lose a game, they then win the next two or three. They lost the last game of the regular season, then rebounded to win the Wild Card. The Girardi Sequence tells us they will win game one against Cleveland, then lose game two. Then they will roll through the best of five. Listen: This is not something I'm making up. This is no delusion. This is The Fucking Sequence, people. Do not try to override The Sequence. 

3. CC Sabathia has a long term score to settle. You know how in Game of Thrones, Arya Stark is always scraping somebody off her personal vendetta list from 10 years ago? That's CC. And let's remember something: He did not walk away from Cleveland; those ungrateful, bastard, brewery-jockeys dealt him to Milwaukee like a 10-cent yard sale dinner plate. They obtained three pugs and Michael Brantley, whom they showcased for five years like a best-in-show beagle. So it's time for CC/Arya to show Cleveland his trusty knife. 

4. Recent Octobers have served as discovery events for certain great players who, until then, hadn't been fully appreciated. Think: Madison Bumgarner, Ben Zobrist, etc. This year's perfect candidate is Didi Gregorius, who is simply the best shortstop in the AL, period. I am soooo sick and tired of hearing about the Cooperstown-bound Xander Bogartes that I'm not even bothering to spellcheck his name. This is Didi's October. Best Yankee shortstop in the last six years.

5. Our vaunted, billion dollar bullpen might actually be peaking. I'm not yet ready to christen it the best of the remaining eight teams, but if Dellin Betances is on his game - well, damn - yeah, it's the best, by far. (And if Dellin is off - and I mean this sincerely - best of luck to the batter he beans.) Generally, one rule of October is that the team with the best bullpen wins. Jeez, that could be us.

6. I still like Masahiro Tanaka in critical situations. He was a legendary big-game pitcher in Japan. He's been up and down in 2017, and he might opt-out of his Yankee contract next winter. If so, these will be his last games in pinstripes - Hal has had enough of contract extensions, and I don't blame him - and I believe the good Tanaka will show up in the next week, if only to make us miss him

7. Cleveland peaked three weeks ago. It was September. Remember? Back to school? It's damn tricky, sledding a team of dogs through the Klondike with nothing but a can of Alpo and your trusty whip. I think Terry Francona miscalculated the trip and went to the nitrous oxide too early. Now, he's going to the can, and there's nothing there. But they'll always have that winning streak, right?

8. LeBron James is a Yankee fan. Everybody knows this. He might pretend to favor Cleveland, but he'll be living a lie. He roots for the Yankees. This is a dagger into the heart of any city - to have your most famous person, your most beloved citizen, rooting for your opponent. On an internal, psychic level, the Indians are facing juju death. It's like dying in your dreams, which everybody knows - from Nightmare on Elm Street - is fatal.  

9. The Yankees are not supposed to win this year. It's supposed to happen in 2018 or 2019. Not this year. As a result, we are playing with house juju. 

10. Ronald Torreyes knows how to lay down a bunt. He may be the only Yankee with that particular storm-born skill. Write this down: At some point over the next few games, Torreyes will be called upon to do the most unimaginable act for a Yankee: To lay one down. He will do it, and the Yankees will manufacture a run out of nothingness. Imagine that. A run out of nothingness.

Yankees in four. - 30 - 

28 comments:

John M said...

Girardi, in his great wisdom, has decided to start Sonny Gray tonight, with CC tomorrow, and Tanaka off in the mists of future time.

Sonny Fucking Gray is our #2? What the fuck is wrong with this guy?

If the Yankees needed 8 to safely get by the Twins, tonight they're going to need double digits. We won't have Green and Robertson to bail out Gray. And you can be damned sure he's going to need bailing out. Warren and Shreve may not deliver what we saw the bullpen do Tuesday.

Jeezus fucking Christmas. Girardi really is going to fuck this up.

BernBabyBern said...

I can't play an instrument and can't sing, but I want to start a band right now simply so I can name it "House Juju"

Urban Farmer formerly known as Dutchfan said...

I do a mean tambourine.

I was already looking for guidance. Why is Tanaka an untouchable as of recently?

Anonymous said...

Hey, just wanted to say that I can't be in the live chat tonight which kind of sucks because the last one was great. So I just want to get in all my comments now.

Uh oh.
Whew!
And the Sonny sets.
Judge!
Sanchez always swings at that low outside pitch he's going to need to fix that.
Bird!
Gotta love Torreyes.
14
15
What is Girardi thinking? I guess that's why his name rhymes with Baccardi.
16
Didi!
Serious question: How much vanilla extract do you have to drink before you recognize you have a problem?
Wow I guess you really can't predict baseball.
See you for the next one.

Doug K.

Local Bargain Jerk said...


Doug K.:

You forgot one:

     The next pitch is the most important pitch of the game.

Ken of Brooklyn said...

LBJ> LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That turned into our mantra,,, see you all tonight.

Anonymous said...

Every run is "manufactured." Runs resulting from bunts are the result of small-time artisinal manufacture; runs produced by extra-base hits are modern mass production. Those with a fixation on or affection for the former in baseball are, strategically speaking, losers.

Anonymous said...

The bullpen is peaking? Inconvenient counterpoint: Girardi did what he had to do to secure the Wild Card game, but winning that battle may have cost him the war--he may have blown a giant hole out of the core of his bullpen by using Green and Robertson far longer than they are accustomed to pitching--in Robertson's case, more pitches than he has ever thrown in a game until then. Can those two rebound in just one or two or three days after those marathon stints, or is the Yankee pen in a deficit for the rest of the postseason?

Anonymous said...

What is John M popping a blood vessel about now? Gray has been a superior pitcher to Tanaka in 2017 by every measure of performance, and not by a small margin.

Parson Tom said...

Look, we may not want to say his name, but that tall guy from Washington Heights has the ability to shut people down from time to time. He has been to a few all star games. Yesterday, Anonymous told us what a dud Don Larson had been in the World Series, right up until his perfect game. So, who might be ready to do a strong imitation of Don Larson? Both Gray and Garcia are pros, capable of six strong innings -- sometimes.

And what of Sevy? Girardi should consider bringing him back for an inning or two tonight? Play like every game is the last one of the season. Might work.

Carl Weitz said...

Someone must have replaced the fungi porcini on El Duque's pizza with the magical variety.

Leinstery said...

I don't believe in Girardi, but by gosh I believe in the Girardi sequence.

That being said Skip Bayless predicted the Yanks in 5, so there's a good chance they get swept. Someone get Francesca in here to guarantee the Indians win the first two and the Yanks just concede the third game. Only Francesca's awful predictions can reverse juju the Yanks to glory.

Anyone catch the beginning of the Astros-Red Sox game? Nuni injured and carried off the field, and greatest player of all-time Babe Benintendi strikes out.

HoraceClarke66 said...

No way the Yanks can win this series. We will be doing well to win one game.

Exceeeeeeppppppttttt...Tito is being too clever by half in starting Bauer over Kluber in Game One. It's just the sort of thing that could give us a key opening...

Exceeeeeeppppppptttt...we are starting what the bards used to call, "a beardless youth" in Game One.

Does anyone, anyone at all think Sonny Gray is going to come up big tonight?

If he does, we surely are on a miracle run...

Anonymous said...

I'm certain that it's just a coincidence that the Girardi Sequence as applied would have us beating Trevor Bauer - - twice, probably - - and losing to Kluber - - then winning in FOUR, and not having to face Kluber a second time...right??

I happen to agree with John M that Girardi's starter sequence is fucked; much may depend on the home-plate ump, however: in Gray's case, and Tanaka's as well, since they fiddle, try to finesse, and paint corners, if they get a stingy ump - - aka, a hitter's ump - - they are in trouble. We've seen that play out all year long.

Reluctantly, I must concur with the new, politer version of Stat-Boy on his other point - - Girardi may have blown his wad with our better long relief, and it could cost us badly, just when we might need it most. Guess we'll see...at any rate, for once, in the fabulous Selig Memorial Game (I know, I know - - wishful thinking will get me nowhere) Girardi actually did a pretty good portrayal of a winning manager (aka, Tito, unfortunately), and I must concur with Dutch Fan that for that portrayal, we should probably nominate him for an Emmy. I fear Girardi will boost my case in the coming days; let's all hope he proves me (and John M) wrong. LB (No J)

Anonymous said...

P.S. - - IF Sonny Boy had pitched his entire season in the "Fake" Yankee Stadium, I am not at all certain that the stats would show him to be superior "in every way" to Masahiro Tanaka. In fact, I don't see that to be the case, even now.

Also, Gray seems a bit fragile, and Tanaka has proven to be more durable than most of us thought he would be.

Now, if only we COULD that bag of lard Francesa to come out heavily on the side of the Indians... LB (No J)

Anonymous said...

PS Anonymous should change his name to BS Anonymous. Check the home and road splits for both pitchers. Gray is still superior to Tanaka, and not by a small margin.

Anonymous said...

There's no politer version of anyone--especially Anonymous asshole who flings around the term "Stat-Boy" to compensate for his ignorance and his small penis. Jerks like that get what's coming to them--and what's already been served up to them: namely, a stunted brain.

Anonymous said...

...and Stat-Boy should change HIS name to Bat-Boy. LB (No J)

Home & road splits ain't everything, either, Bat-Boy...neither are day & night splits - - not even the kind I like most: cheerleader splits. As a wise person once intoned in, I believe, the fabled & lamented National Lampoon, "By-ut Mah Craink-shaft", Bo-ah."

The fragility issue will ultimately be of more consequence - - at least, that's my personal prediction (to be borne out over the next few seasons) - - look at what's happening to Chris Sale, with his slight frame (knocked out today, down 5-2, with two on, nobody out - - last I knew, the Beantown Bums were down 7-2). I suppose I should be rooting for the Bums, since we owned them this season, but I can't bring myself to do that.

Go, Yanks!! Avenge the Midges!! LB (No J)

Anonymous said...

P.S., again, B-Boy, Your ability to divine the size of my member AND my sexual orientation have been as far off as your smug, take-no-prisoners, approach to Sabremetrics. Why don't you go hit on Chris Christie, as I suggested a few days ago??
LB (No J)

Anonymous said...

P.P.S.: That you, Francesca?? Cash-Puss?? Randy?? Take a hike, you anonymous chicken-shxt!! LB (No J)

Anonymous said...

OL' HOSS IS RIGHT AGAIN....

MAKES NO SENSE THAT KLUBER IS PITCHING GAME 2 INSTEAD OF GAME 1...

NO SENSE AT ALL....

THAT IS OUR SHOT TO GET OUR FOOT IN THE DOOR.

NEED THE W TONIGHT.

Anonymous said...

Did I touch a nerve, Small-Penis Boy? Your incoherent blather. No stats matter. Nothing matters except your arbitrary, fact- and logic-free rants. Duly noted. Now please check out the following:

https://one-male-enhancement.com/best-selling-penis-pills-2017

Local Bargain Jerk said...


Red Sox down 8-2 in the 8th. Sweet.

Masked Editor said...

Francona is discounting the Yanks by looking ahead to the next series thinking Kluber can go 1, 4 and 7 in the ALCS...might bight him in the ass, especially since games might be rained out...Tito overthinking is a good sign.

Anonymous said...

Au contraire, jerk-off (aka Bat-Boy), it's obvious that I touched a nerve or two of YOURS - - the truth really sets you off, doesn't it?? Just like Rumpy...

Don't know about you - - you have your numbers, so why do you need to watch?? You must already know the result without bothering, right??

Me, I'm watching the game - - and I'm not going to bother with your sorry ass again - - at least until the game is over. LB (No J)

Anonymous said...

Teenie-Weenie Boy--we're here to help. If those pills don't work, try this:

https://www.associatesinplasticsurgery.com/male-enhancement-surgery

And tell us--if you don't use ANY numbers to determine performance--even traditional ones like ERA, etc.--then how do you determine the performance of a pitcher? Whether his image on the screen is larger than your micro-dick? Do tell, teenie-weenie boy.

Anonymous said...

You aren't bothering me one damned bit with your off-color guesses concerning my member, Bat-Boy: I don't judge men by the size of their dicks - - OR the size of their guns, either. Those things, in fact, don't factor in at all, as far as I am concerned - - but I sure did set YOU off the other day with my borrowed line about your "crooked little boner", didn't I????

Furthermore, I never said I don't use any statistics in evaluating a players' performance - - you are trying to put words in my mouth, which won't work. Where, pray tell, did I ever say I don't use any stats atall??

What I will say on that subject is that I have yet to determine much worth in the largely-SUBJECTIVE sabre-metics of WAR (don't care which kind), UZR, etc...those are just too damned subjective for my taste.

Add that to the fact that "you can't predict baseball, Suzyn" - - and I'd rather watch and make my own judgments than let some anonymous dork doing the deciding, re: the difficulty of a play, the range a player should have, etc...

In addition, I must say i was truly underwhelmed by your Sonny Boy's performance tonight - - superior, of course, "in ever possible way" to Tanaka's. Keep thinking you're superior because you like to play with numbers, Bat-Boy! LB (No J)

KD said...

Sonny Boy is a fourth starter, always behind in the count. I have not seen any Tanaka-like flashes of brilliance yet. You have to be a real dope to equate the two.

hope Sonny's doing well selling cars on TV. doubt he gets many more such opportunities.