Friday, October 20, 2017

Tonight's game should go five hours, longer the better

Last time we faced Justin Upton-Verlander, we were the Astros and they were the New York Yankees. We played the upstarts, outsmarted at every turn, and they were the resurrected veterans, patiently showing the world how it's done. They won every ump's call, beat every close play by a micrometer, and won after we botched a throw to the plate that would be routine for the Double A Binghamton Rumble Ponies. They deserved to win both the game and the league series, and we sure as hell deserved the Fiery, Hairy Radish Pineapple of Defeat (FHRPD - as in, to be "firped.")

Last time we faced Juston, Aaron Judge looked like a popped media balloon, the baseball equivalent of Yahoo Serious. (Think of a 6'7" Megyn Kelly.) He couldn't lay off curves in the dirt, which so befuddled him that pitchers weren't even bothering to throw them anymore, fanning him on juicy fastballs down the pipe. When Judge came up, Yank fans dreamed of a walk. The notion of Judge v. Altuve seemed a cringe-worthy comparison, and shrieking voices, mine included, called for him to bat sixth or seventh.

Last time we played Verlander - six nights ago - the Yankiverse was a tired, queasy continuum, resigned to approaching snowstorms and the next mass shooting. We pleaded with the fates for one measly victory, with the implied understanding that if none was forthcoming, we'd prefer a quick kill shot - anything but one of those drip-drip torture chamber losses that the Yankees often firped on us during the regular season.  

Last time we faced Verlander - a borderline Hall of Famer, if he knits together a few more good seasons - we couldn't score two fucking, goddamn, shit-ass, cock-sucking, jizz-licking, fuck-me firping runs. (Sorry about that; something came over me.) We let a 34-year-old geezer go nine - throwing 124 pitches, five more than his longest previous outing in 2017. Obviously, Kate Upton has not been wearing him out. (Neither did Boston, the week earlier, when he threw 40.) 

Listen: Baseball players have the life spans of your pet beagle. Some last 15 to 20 great years. Some get hit by the garbage truck after six months. But old baseball players are not dogs: They can learn new tricks. That's why CC Sabathia is still effective: He isn't too old to learn. Clearly, Verlander falls in that category too. Thus, tonight, he will be on us with mystical old-guy voodoo shit. Whatever he did last time, he won't do it again.

So tonight, we must be the veteran team. Tonight, the Yankees need to take pitch after pitch after pitch. We need 10 pitch at-bats, not 10-pitch innings. This series, Houston's bullpen has five pitchers with ERA's at 9.00 or higher, and that includes their all-star closer. Imagine a bullpen half-full of bad Betanceses; that's what they have. But... two pitchers, McHugh and Gregerson, have thrown zeros at us. If Verlander tires - and there is no reason why he should get there beyond the seventh - that's who we will see. This game needs to last a long time. Buy your five-hour energy shots now. Or - better - load up on bath salts.

Tonight, we need to outsmart the veteran. We've done it before. And make no mistake: This series needs to end tonight. Otherwise, we've committed another mistake worthy of the Binghamton Rumble Ponies: We'll have celebrated too soon. 

27 comments:

Urban Farmer formerly known as DutchFan said...

Last night (I had nothing better to do then listen in) Rick Monday and Charley Steiner had all the time in the world to look ahead to the world series. They didn't really have a favorite opponent for the Dodgers but were in total agreement on one thing.
"May the series go to 7 and may both take 16 or 17 innings. Let them wear out their bullpens. And then we will come in rested and eager".

Funny enough a little later they pondered what would be best for Kershaw. Go deep this game against the Cubs, be on normal rest or extended rest.......

One thing I noticed, they still seem to believe you can predict baseball Suzyn.

Urban Farmer formerly known as DutchFan said...

Firped.
Thank you for this great extension of my vocabulary.
Let me go out and randomly Firp some people and experience how it feels - to them.

JM said...

From the news wire:

"No matter how his arm feels, Severino is not going to stretch, bend,
gesticulate or do anything else that might cause manager Joe Girardi to
take him out of Game 6 of the American League Championship Series.

"You’ll remember Girardi removed Severino after four innings and 62
pitches in Game 2 after Severino made a windmilling motion with his
throwing arm following a pitch. In Girardi’s mind, that suggested the
valuable 23-year-old righthander may have been feeling something bad in
his shoulder.

"Even though Severino protested, Girardi took him out after the bottom of
the fourth. Severino said on Thursday that he doesn’t want that to
happen again."

Sevvy has to protect himself from baseball's greatest overmanager. It still feels weird to win in spite of your manager and not because of him.

13bit said...

A good, sober, cold calculating assessment, Duque. Frankly, anything else we say here is just hot air, which shouldn't stop any of us from saying it, but it's just hot air. I am bound by a non-disclosure agreement, signed in blood, and cannot even discuss anything related to [rhymes with the first half of "JuJuBees"]. I'm not even sure I should keep going what I have been doing for the past week's games/passion plays. I think I will let the universe dictate my actions/non-actions and float along the jet stream, quietly contemplating this moment, today, and maybe allowing my mind to drift off to 2018 before I snap myself back into the present. That being said, "Helmsman, turn into the wind. ALL HANDS ON DECK, MOFOS...."

13bit said...

http://farm4.staticflickr.com/3319/3487387838_5be20cf5da_z.jpg

JM said...

Well put.

As an aside, has there ever been a sports show as incredibly bad as ESPN's "Highly Questionable"? I sat through about 10 minutes of it yesterday, then gave it another try after some channel flipping. Astonishingly without any merit whatsoever.

13bit said...

One more offering...

http://www.motelsign.com/iur.jpeg

Ken of Brooklyn said...

Well said El Duque!
And I echo 13bit by saying I'll keep doing what I've been doing, all hands on deck INDEED!

Anonymous said...

LOVE THE PASSION FROM YOU, EL DUQUE....

RIGHT NOW WE ARE ALL LIKE HEROIN ADDICTS...

EVERY WIN THIS POST SEASON HAS BEEN A POWERFUL HIGH...

THOSE LAST 3 GAMES AT THE STADIUM ALREADY HAS US REACHING INTO THE DRAW TO PULL OUT THE "KIT" FOR TONIGHT.

IT WON'T BE EASY.

I'M ACTUALLY WORRIED.

THE BACK OF MY MIND KEEPS TELLING ME, "IT'S NOT OUR TIME YET."

THINKING ABOUT THE ELASTIC BAND, AND THE NEEDLE.

POWER THROUGH.

GO YANKS.

TheWinWarblist said...

TheWinWarblist warbled ...

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggrrrrrrrrRRRRRrrrrggggggggaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TheWinWarblist said...

I have unleashed a might warble upon the fools at the Crawdaddy Boxes! Little do they know nor can they even expect what is to pass! Unsuspecting fools! Pantless and screaming, wearing my road grays (boxer briefs!), I shall defile them in their very home all the long evening or until their moderators cast me out!

Stang said...

FIRP sounds like a new stat.

Anonymous said...

DO YOUR THING WARBLIST!

KEEP DOING YOUR THING!

GO YANKS!

(REACHING FOR THE DRAW).....

ranger_lp said...

Might not be easy but...

No one expected us here. Houston was prohibited favorites going in to this series. All the pressure is on them. We're playing with house money. Who do they pitch in game 7? You think for one minute C.C. crashes and burns in game 7? Think again.

Yea I'm predicting baseball and Yanks win tonight. So there.

TheWinWarblist said...

I shall, All Cappo, I shall, pantless and screaming.

TheWinWarblist said...

Is there a way to embed "Baby we were born to thuuuuuh.." into the comments over at ATsors on SBNation? Especially so it'll autoplay? Tehehee!

TheWinWarblist said...

Or the Astros blog at SBNation!?

Tex Message said...

I'm doing the same thing I have been doing the last three games tonight, which I will leave unsaid. The only thing I will say is that the same thing did not work for the ALDS and the ALCS, so changing things up can be okay.

Tex Message said...

As for the Astros blog, I admit to some schadenfreude-ish indulgence. They are turning on each other like rabid dogs over there.

Howard Dean, former DNC Chair said...

they are down and despondent. we've got our boot on their neck. they are resigned and helpless but don't let up, my boys! push down harder and harder until they gurgle and squirm no more!!

DEATH DEATH DEATH TO OUR ENEMIES! SALT THEIR FIELDS! POISEN THEIR WELLS! DEFILE THEIR WOMENS!! MAKE THEM WISH THEY HAD NEVER BEEN BORN!! YYYYEEEEEHHHHAAAAWWWW!!!!

Parson Tom said...

Whack-a-doodle DOO!!!!!!

BernBabyBern said...

Maybe Kate Upton helps us tonight.

A blast from the IIH past ...

http://johnsterling.blogspot.com/2014/08/pssst-el-duque-stop-it-youre-going-to.html?m=1

BernBabyBern said...

Sorry. This might be easier ... Here's the link

Parson Tom said...

As I sit here tottering on the edge of insanity, I'm so grateful that the good people of this blog have my back. My daughter in Austin TX has been instructed to stand up and scream among any and all Astros fans at the first hint of good news. I've provided her with the complete John Sterling glossary, as well as a few of el duque's bon mots, especially Zoolander for tonight's game. Proud Yankee warrior!

Anonymous said...

"POISEN??" "WOMENS??" Howie, that's worse than your Iowa speech - - you need to go back to grammy school, Bud. Sad.

I, too, will be doing what I've been doing for the last six games, tonight - - wearing my uniform I decline to describe (don't want to gross anybody out (with one possible exception). Go, Yanks!! LB (No J)

TheWinWarblist said...

I've started the troll. Such good people down in Houston. They've suffered so much. Just because they paved over a vast wetland so none of that rain could drain away. How could they have known that the most flooded city on the planet would get more rain? It'll be fine if we pave over that bit over there and put in another flammable chemical factory. What could go wrong?

Check out the comments.

https://www.crawfishboxes.com/2017/10/20/16511624/2017-alcs-game-6-preview-houston-astros-vs-new-york-yankees

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