Monday, November 18, 2019

They're talking.

(Telephone conversation inadvertently recorded during the ongoing MLB investigation into whether or not subject Domingo German slapped his girlfriend.  From the wiretaps authorized on the landlines and cellphones of all major- and minor-league players, managers, coaches, executives, and equipment managers.)

VOICE #1: Hey, Gerrit, it's Steve.

VOICE # 2 (GERRIT): Steve?

VOICE #1 (STEVE): Strasburg!  Your fellow free agent!

 GERRIT: (Nervous) Gee, should we be talking?  Isn't that like collusion or something?

STEVE: No, it's not.  And besides, they do it all the time.  Anyway, I'm not calling to ask what offers you have pouring in.  I'm calling to say you should go up to New York and talk to Cashman.

GERRIT: (Amazed) Wha-?  You're signing with the Yankees?

STEVE: No, of course I'm not signing with the Yankees!  What, you think I want to look at Gary Sanchez's fat ass all summer while he runs after one of my six o'clock curveballs?

GERRIT: (Confused) Then—

STEVE: Just go up and talk to him!  That's all he wants.  And believe me, he'll make it worth your while.

GERRIT: (Confused and amazed) He will?

STEVE:  Sure!  Bring the wife.  Bring the kids, if you got any.  He'll take you all to a great restaurant, even get you orchestra seats to a top musical.  Have you seen Hamilton?

GERRIT: They made a musical about Josh Hamilton?

STEVE: No, it was Steve Hamilton.

GERRIT: They did?  And who's Steve Hamilton.

STEVE: Hmmm, maybe you should specify The Lion King, or maybe Frozen—

GERRIT: Sure, I love the Ice Capades!

STEVE: Anyway, point being, Cashman just makes it want to look like he's really considering signing us.  He'll take you around town, tell the reporters that Hal is into it.

GERRIT: But he's not?

(Audible snorting sound)

STEVE: Of course not!  Maybe if they get desperate enough they'll sign Zack Wheeler.  But that's about it.  The Yanks won't go big bucks again until we're in the Hall.

GERRIT: Whose hall?

STEVE: Look, don't worry about it.  I'm tellin' ya, just go.  It's a great package deal:  first-rate hotel suite, good food, a show.  And you play along, and maybe it'll even fool some other GM into giving you a few million more.

GERRIT: Sounds great, Steve.  Hey, do they still have that M & M store in Times Square.

STEVE: They sure do, man, they sure do.  See you in the Series again next year!


Anonymous said...


Loved that Steve Hamilton is finally getting his due.

My name is Steve Hamilton
I'm Yankee pitcher Steven Hamilton
And today I'd be a millionaire
My lifetime ERA was... 3.

(For the record it was 3.05 in 421 games. but you know, creative license.)

Doug K.

Anonymous said...

If we didn't have Stanton's and Ellbury's contract, I think there is a higher probability Hal signs Cole. Hal has to look at future contracts for Judge, Torres, Sanchez...


HoraceClarke66 said...

Thanks, Doug K. And yeah, Steve Hamilton was all right. Also played pro basketball for the Lakers, which people forget.

HoraceClarke66 said...

And Clay, sure, HAL has to think about the future. But with the Yanks' paying out the smallest percentage of revenue for payroll of any MLB team, there's certainly room to give.

TheWinWarblist said...

Alexander Hamilton played in the NBA?

Wasn't it the ABA?

Fuck you Hal.

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