Tuesday, January 28, 2020

Shecky Verlander jokes about the Astros stealing signs; I've half a mind to steal his wife, and see how he feels about that

Speaking publicly the other night, Justin Verlander tried to joke his way out of the Astros' ongoing sign-stealing scandal, which is spreading like coronavirus across the anger buttons of writers, players and fans. In the presence of a glaring CC Sabathia, "Shecky" quipped that his team, the Astros,' are "technologically and analytically advanced." Hardy-harr-harr. A regular Will Rogers, there. 

So, that's how he plans to deal with it, eh? Tell a joke, grab the trophy, call a cab. 

Apparently, Verlander feels that, as a pitcher, he's immune to criticism that Astro coaches and hitters were stealing opposing signs. He must have thought that secret video room in the back was for watching Turner Classics, that the banging trash cans were attempts to chase out the roaches, and that strategic whistling? - that was just coaches, pointing out hot chicks in the crowd. All-American fun. That's all.

What's really funny is how Verlander, as a Detroit Tiger, used to be pretty self-righteous about the use of steroids in baseball, because he considered it to be cheating. Not only that, but in 2017, about a month before he was traded to Houston, he spoke out against electronic sign-stealing. Now, though, it's a joke?

Okay, let's give the guy a little extra rope. Truly, Verlander is a great pitcher. Nobody can take that from him. I wish the Yankees had him. But if Verlander thinks he can magically elevate himself above this sorry, horrible, ongoing mess - that he can joke his way out of the stink of it - he's delusional. Though it was the Astros hitters who directly benefited from Houston's sign-stealing, the pitchers gained immensely.

Imagine a football game where the defense knows every offensive play before the snap. You could say the linebackers enjoyed the direct benefit, as they continually crushed the runner, but the entire team would have an incredible advantage. 

Apparently, Verlander thinks it's amusing that the Astros stole signs. Or at least, that's what he hoped it could be. Well, if sign-stealing is okay, maybe wife-stealing should be, too. Maybe I should dust off my old dance moves - I can still do the funky chicken - and steal his wife, Kate Somethingorother. 

That's right. Maybe it's time for me to take one for the team, a bit of "fan-justice-revenge porn."

Somewhere in the back of the closet, I've got my old disco cuffs shirt. Like a superhero costume. I always knew I'd need it again someday. I can spray on a tan, tease the comb-over - (nobody knows it's a comb-over; I'm trusting you not to tell) - and "accidentally" bump into Kate at the laundromat. I'll do a few impressions - Popeye the Sailor's Wimpy, Ward Cleaver ("June I'm ho-ome!"), President James K. Polk (mostly sight gag) - tell a few "adult" jokes, not the kind Verlander tells, and get her hopped up. Then, kaboom. we'll be out, dancing the night away, while Verlander is home pacing the floor with a loaded Luger in his mouth. We'll finish the night making out on the 50-year-line of Verlander's old high school football field - that's some designer porn, eh? That ought to teach him a lesson. He'll know what it's like to have something precious stolen. Yeah, that's what I'll do. I'll take one for the team.

Listen: This Astros thing has not begun to be fully digested by the American public. Basically, baseball just acknowledged that the last three post-seasons were a joke - tainted by cheating, and that two world championships were stolen. Thus far, to my knowledge, four Astros have come forward publicly to deal with the matter. Alex Bregman and Jose Altuve, who attended a fan event just a few hours after the story came out, basically hemmed and hawed. Dalls Keuchel gave a weak apology, which turned rancid by his anger at the whistle-blower. Now, Verlander has attempted to joke about it, and say little more. Well, nothing has worked. 

MLB ruled that no players should be punished in the scandal. But if anybody thinks the Astros will return next month to business as usual, or that the players are going to walk away without consequences, they are very, very misguided. You know they say, "the shit has yet to hit the fan?" In this case, the fans are about to hit the shit. 

13 comments:

Parson Tom said...

Yeah, Verlander had a real good sense of humor, just before he got traded to the Astros, when he was encouraging the Tigers dugout to brawl with the Yankees.

JM said...

Verlander is just another talented, very rich, jock. Like most of them.

Mussina was so refreshingly different.

Joe Formerlyof Brooklyn said...


There is a simple way out of the no-players-punished predicament.

In late March, the Astros and the Red Sox will each begin their season schedules. In the first game for each, whoever is playing them -- whatever the pitcher -- should throw every single pitch at the head of the Astros/Red Sox batters. Every single pitch, every single batter.

When the starting pitcher is removed by the umpires, the next pitcher should do the same thing.

And so on.

[you might call this The Dock Ellis Approach]

When the umpires have thrown ALL of the pitchers of the 2 opposing teams out of the game, the game will be over (a forfeit).

Alternatively, the umpires could get in on the fun -- and start calling "strike" when a head-high pitch doesn't quite hit the batter.

Then, in Game 2 of the season -- the same thing should happen. Another forfeit.

And in the next games and the next series. Over and over again. It would make great television, doncha think?

I'm pretty sure this would not have to sustained for a long time. At some point, the MLB Powers That Be will choose one of:

a. Declare the Astros and the Red Sox winners of their divisions, and not allow them to play any further games.

b. Severely punish all of the pitchers involved (which should, at some point, be every single pitcher in MLB). This would mess with the season's schedule, too.

c. Abolish the Astros and Red Sox.

d. Failing that, take every single player of the Astros and Sox and terminate their careers. What about players on these teams who were not playing in the past? The heck with them. They are guilty of something or other, aren't they?

As the Spanish reportedly said to the question "aren't there some good natives?" while they were slaughtering the people they found on this side of the Atlantic -- "kill them all, God will know his own."

e. Encourage Donald J. Trump to nuke Houston and Boston. Which wouldn't hurt anyone human, would it? Besides, the climate change geniuses are saying we need to depopulate the planet, aren't they? So Donnie Boy can say his 2-cities-gone move is actually "green" in some way or another.

[you know he would!]

- - - -

If you're not willing to "go to the matresses," don't start a war. Right?

Anonymous said...

Verlander is an obnoxious prick. I remember he gave up a homer to A-Rod once, the ball was hit to right and just got over the fence. A Yankee stadium fly ball home run. So Verlander ended up taking one of his rare losses against us. And Verlander after the game said something like "it was a cheap home run". As if cheapies don't count. What a class act!

The Hammer of God

HoraceClarke66 said...

Joe FOB, believe me, if the Yankees had done this, all of those options would now be under serious discussion.

And somehow, the whole thing would be blamed on A-Rod.

HoraceClarke66 said...

JM, I could never stand Mussina. And I especially hated him when he actually had the audacity to blame Mariano for the fact that the team never won a ring when he was on it.

This was after Mo, in a year when he'd been injured, nonetheless came out of the pen to save Mussina's first-ever 20th win, in a meaningless game at the end of the 2008 season.

TheWinWarblist said...

What a prick. I hope whats-her-name gives him the clap. And herpes. But the herpes might be too newfangled for this blog. Let's just stick to good old tertiary syphilis.

https://images.app.goo.gl/wbUunEEp5AWfnUkB7

Sorry about that link. No clicking unless you have a strong constitution.

Platoni said...

My constitution is stronger than the United States' these days. Hold my beer as I click that link...

Gah!

Though, I still believe that Stanton's PCL looks worse

Beauregard Jackson Pickett Burnside said...

I will personally haunt that corrupt midget Altuve for all of eternity.

JM said...

Hoss, I wasn't aware of that incident. But regardless, Mussina was an intelligent non-robot who wasn't your typical jock. I'll forgive him a transgression.

HoraceClarke66 said...

I can see that, JM. But forgive him that 2006 playoff game against the Tigers, in which he let a 3-0 lead slip away? Never!

Anonymous said...

Stuff a Schilling bloody sock in Verlander's mouth

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