Wednesday, August 26, 2020

As we near the cliff, the Yankee pitching staff is about to get shredded


Crazy Fred Nietzsche once said, "W
hen you gaze into The Abyss, The Abyss gazes back into you."

Comrades, The Abyss is licking its chops.

Three double-headers in five days. Twenty-two games in 19 days. A dead reckoning in Tampa. The trade deadline. 

Yep. The Abyss sees us, and it's rubbing its tummy.

Today, we pitch Gerrit Cole and, I believe, Masahiro Tanaka. Friday, Jordan Montgomery and Whomever. Saturday, it's either JA Happ or the cast of "This Is Us." Sunday, it's John D. and Katherine T. MacArthur, who are working to bring about a more just and verdant world. Monday, we press REPEAT.

Somewhere in between, we might promote Clarke Schmidt and/or Deivi Garcia from the Scranton refugee camp. Or we might sign Dopey Dildox from the Korean Beach League. Monday - the dreaded annual trade deadline - everything culminates with a showdown in Timbuktu - yes, Tampa - a team that recently mocked us in our own stadium. Yes, The Abyss has a knife and fork in hand, a napkin on its lap, and a Nicholas Sandmann smirk. A week from now, the fog will have lifted. 

The next few days will either set us on course toward the playoffs, allowing us to keep our farm system intact. Or it will crush our pitching staff and push Cooperstown Cashman into trading for other teams' mistakes, binding our next few seasons into bloated contracts and aging spare tires. Every year, we go through the same tired exercise, looking for saviors that do not exist. We spend five years nurturing a young prospect, then trade him and assure ourselves that he was never any good.    

This is surely the last site on the Internet to invoke Yankee hyperbole. There is no cooler set of heads in the Yankiverse, no more astute gathering of scientific minds, than those who meet here to empirically discuss our chances. Other sites get nervous. Not here. We maintain that steady hand on the till, never getting rattled, always assessing reality with cool, clear eyes.

That's why it's so critical to recognize that, if we flop this week, we are fucking dead - I mean dish-rag dead, I mean soiled and slurped, done and dug, fling the dirt on us, hit the the "Cremation" button and fling us into the ocean - and I'm talking about the 2020 decade, not this Tom Thumb of a season. 

The next week, folks. Three doubleheaders and a trade deadline. 

The Abyss awaits us.

18 comments:

TheWinWarblist said...

Sometimes it rains ...

DickAllen said...


I have all the necessary tools ready for seppuku.

JM said...

I prefer Sapporo, myself.





Beauregard Jackson Pickett Burnside said...

Who misses the Sapporo kid?

Beauregard Jackson Pickett Burnside said...

Oh nvm it was the Sayonara kid. Sapporo would have worked though.

Anonymous said...


A few things...

1) "Sunday, it's John D. and Katherine T. MacArthur, who are working to bring about a more just and verdant world. "

I laughed. I cried. I pledged $100.

2) Word to the wise for today's double header. Do NOT drop acid until you check the weather report. There's nothing worse than thinking you've got seven hours of baseball in front of you only to end up watching Day 3 of the Republican Convention.


3) Pitching - Thanks to the 7 inning games we can get through this if our starters can just give us 5 or 6.

Cole can.
Tanaka almost always has a good 3 2/3 in him.
Put Montgomery down for 5
Happ might pitch well in the first.

So you see. All they have to do is pitch slightly better than usual and we will win some of the games.

4) My understanding is that Brain Cashman is trying to get Beaver Clevinger from the Indians.

The nickname "Beaver" works both with Clevinger and with, I believe, my understanding that the pursuit of same was the reason he took the risk of ending his team's season.

I have mixed feelings. I also have mixed drinks.

Note to self: CHECK THE WEATHER before downing that initial canteen of scotch and soda.

Doug K.

Parson Tom said...

I am so glad to know that I am maintaining a firm grip on the tiller and a steady gaze toward the horizon. I would never want to be one of those Yankee fans running around like a chicken with my head cut off telling everybody the sky is falling. I come to this site for just this sort of validation. Thank you.

And as rock-ribbed Yankee fan, I think I can speak for all of us when I tell Doug to proceed with the first canteen.

HoraceClarke66 said...

Where is the IBS Lady when we need her???

HoraceClarke66 said...

You know, "Brain" Cashman, as Doug named him, has become the new George.

Just as with George, any dry spell is now accompanied by the fear that it will cause Brain to do something so rash and stupid it destroys the next decade for us.

Coming up!

Beauregard Jackson Pickett Burnside said...

Doug K... You reminded me I have to catch up on Endeavour! Fuck baseball, I want to spot Wolseleys and Austin 1100!

JM said...

Endeavor is only three episodes, but as usual they're pretty damn good.

Doug, if you run for president, I'll vote for you.

Kevin said...

"Endeavor to persevere".

Anonymous said...

Doug, I always enjoyed Cole Porter’s “Can-Can.” As for our very own Cole, we're havin' a heat wave, a tropical heat wave; the temperature's rising, it sure is surprising he certainly… can’t.

13bit said...

A sober assessment, Duque.

And Hoss, the IBS lady is sitting on my face, which may explain why it’s difficult to hear me speak right now. I’ll try again later, once she’s fast asleep in the closet...

Kevin said...

"Breathe deep the gathering gloom...."

"...it's enough to make me get up, and uh, SCREAM"

Oasisdave said...

I hate everything about this sham of a season MLB has forced down our throats. 3 double headers in five days. What a joke. Meanwhile the stupid, stinking Doyers get to waltz through a west that's full of Little League teams except for maybe the A's. Well if there was ever a year that slimey, scummy, good for nothing dirt bag team from LA should win it should be this one with a big fat asterisk following it.

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