"Dear Brian: I hope you will read this condolence note in the spirit in which it is intended..."

(This was written by HoraceClarke66, whose computer is off partying like a beast at Sturgis.) 

I can't tell you how sad I was to see that Giancarlo Stanton is injured again.  Who knew?  I did—

but I kid, I kid.

Seriously, who would ever have put the over/under on Giancarlo's home run total for three years

at 43? Besides me, I mean?  Kidding, totally kidding!  Actually, I had 42, so the joke's on me, huh?

Really, after reading Inside the Empire, that book you did with Bob Klapisch and Paul Solotaroff—by

the way, are there any ethics left in journalism anymore?  Just wondering—it made me see how

badly you took me to the cleaners.

I mean it.  Around the pool yesterday, Tommy and Gisele were trying to tell me that somebody who's

a real master at running a baseball team like the book says you are, doesn't go out and brag about some mark he's taken.  But I told them you were right.  

What's happened with Giancarlo—well, that's pure bad luck.  What in his career with the Marlins could possibly have indicated that he couldn't stay on the field?  I mean, besides the 40 games a year he averaged on the injured list?

Hey, I'll never forget that day that you made sure was in the book, too.  About how during our last 

negotiation, when you said that you weren't going to pay me for past performance or popularity.  

Sometimes, you know, the past can tell you something about the future.  But then, you also made

sure to get in how you told me that if I didn't like it, you could replace me with Troy Tulowitski.

Troy Tulowitski.  You know, me and Hannah still crack up about that sometimes.  It won't take much.

Just over a meal or something, one of us will say, "Tulo," and we're both on the floor.

But yeah, bad luck with Giancarlo.  I remember when he hit that home run in the ALCS with a hammy strain, or whatever it was he had, maybe a bloody nose, and then he said he couldn't go.  But he wouldn't get off the roster.  

Geeze, I remember playing in a couple World Series where I stayed in even though I thought I'd broken my ankle.  Then I did break my ankle, against Detroit in the ALCS, and I didn't stay in because I couldn't stand up.  

But I digress.  I just remember Tommy calling me up during the Houston ALCS last year and saying, "It's like Vince Lombardi used to say:  'Sometimes you gotta not play with the small hurts but make you keep taking up a roster spot."  Oh, we laughed and laughed.  And then this spring, I saw Stanton was getting ready for the season by bench-pressing Adriana Lima.  Yeah, I remember when I used to pump Adriana Lima—but hey, I'm a married man now.

Yep, I'm a married man who lives in a huge mansion by the sea.  With his supermodel wife, and his best friend, America's quarterback, and his supermodel wife.  And that half-a-billion dollars or so I have kicking around somewhere.

Some people might think, you don't mess around with somebody who came up from nothing to where I am now. But I remember how your co-authors said you came from nothing, too, and the only help you got was "a family connection that got you an internship."  Which is to say, your father used to sell thoroughbreds to George Steinbrenner.

Anyhoo, gotta get back to work.  Just wanted to say that I hope Giancarlo's okay.  Of course, with the injury now, that means he won't be opting out after this season.  You got him for, what, another eight years?  Huh.  Well, look at the bright side:  who says you'll be around that long?

Your friend the past performer,

Derek