Virtual Baseball: Is It a Bird? Is It a Plane? No, It's Mild-Mannered Clarke Schmidt Bailing Out Yanks in Extras! Bring on the Mets!

In a virtual barnburner full of ding-dong action, the virtual New York Yankees finally shook the tenacious virtual White Sox off and tossed them into a laundry corner, hanging on for a 7-6, 13-inning, walk-off win to clinch the American League pennant.

When Yanks starter J.A. Happ once again crapped out, allowing long home runs by Tim Anderson and Jose Abreu in the bottom of the first, Yanks manager virtual Ma Boone did not hesitate but pulled Happless for anybody and everybody in the bullpen who was still left with a live arm.

First Johnny Loaisiga, then Jordan Montgomery, Chad Green, Mike King, Deivi Garcia, and Luis Cessa—well not Cessa, it didn't get as desperate as all that—shut down the ChiSox, while the Yankee bats slowly chipped away at starter Dallas Keuchel and his relievers.  

First a two-run double by Miguel Andujar tied the game in the third, then a solo home run by Luke Voit and a ferocious drive to the top of the left field bleachers by Aaron Judge put the Yanks up, 5-2.  

Meanwhile, Zack(h) Britton entered the game in the top of the seventh to get out of a bases-loaded jam—thanks in good part to a tremendous, sprawling stop The Gleyber made on a groundball, which he then turned into a double-play. Britton mowed down the Hog Butchers of the World into the ninth, but when he walked Nick Madrigal with one out, it was clear he had hit a sour note.

With open reluctance, Boone brought in the amazing liquid man, Swampy Aroldis Chapman, who managed to strike out Yasmani Grandal, but issued walks to Anderson and the man with the invisible parrot, pinchhitter Edward Encarnacion. With the bases loaded and two out, Chapman got ahead 0-2 on the next batter. But after fouling off six straight pitches, YOAN MONCADA bounced a grand-slam home run off the front of the second deck in left field.

The Bronx went silent with that mighty blow—save for a certain, malignant chuckle or two that could be heard all the way from Boston.  After walking the bases loaded again, Chapman finally retired Nicky Delmonico for the last out, with the entire, sold-out Stadium calling for his head.

It was lookin' mighty bleak for the South Bronx nine they say—but D.J. LeMahieu was up.  After lining a triple into the gap in left-center, The Machine took a long lead off third.  And when Aaron Hicks hitting a dying foul pop-up between home and first, D.J. sprinted for home, noticing that Grandal had gone after the ball.  He just beat closer Alex Colome to the plate, as the great Stadium crowd would like unto have pressed him to their collective breast(s).

TIED AGAIN. But who to replace the Melty Man? The answer proved to be Clarke Schmidt, who retired nine Chicagoans in a row through the tenth, eleventh, and twelfth innings. But all the while, the Sox' own, crack bullpen left the Yankees swinging like rusty gates.

Into the 13th, then—and YOAN MONCADA led off with a booming double to centerfield, under the looming, empty black cube of the now notorious Pangolin House. Working carefully, Schmidt got a strikeout, a walk, a strikeout, a walk, and then...ANOTHER STRIKEOUT!

While Stadium personnel rushed with hand fans to revive those who had passed out in the ballpark's new "Weak of Heart" special section, the Red Menace, Clint Frazier, came to the plate and drove a double of his own deep into the Bronx night.  It seemed that he might die on second, though, as Chitown reliever Evan "Sarah" Marshall retired the next two Yankees, leaving it all up to Kyle Higashioka.  

But Higgy's seeing-eye, 22-hop single up the middle—"a Luis Sojo special"—brought him home with the winning run, in the wee small hours of the morning.

The Yanks will now face a tanned, rested, and ready New York Mets team, that just dispatched the Los Angeles Dodgers in six games, and is looking as good as it has all season, in the first Subway Series in 20 years.

"Remember: we're playing not have to wear penises on our shirts," former Yankee turned Mets star Brett Gardner told reporters, while congratulating his old friends in the clubhouse.  

"Our pitching is so messed up for the Series!" Yankees GM Brian "the Brain" Cashman tweeted from his special bunker Somewhere in the Bronx, where he is trying to hide from Russian agents set on stealing control of the universe from him.  

But the last word was had by John Sterling, back in full, glorious warble, with an adoring Suzyn at his side:

"Ballgame over!

"American League Championship Series over!

"The Yankees win!  The Yankees—"

Well, you know the rest.