Virtual Off-Day: Gotham Celebrates Subway Series by Trashing Bryant Park. Success of Local Teams Makes City Explode in Anger.

Ah, who cannot recall the halcyon, pre-9/11, pre-everything days of the last Subway Series, when New Yorkers rallied in rare good humor in Bryant Park? Playfully jesting with each over which of their champion should claim the city crown, urged on in their sport by their popular, Yankee-loving mayor?

Seeking to bring back that heady time, the widely hated Mayor Bill de Blasio organized a similar rally in virtual Bryant Park ahead of tomorrow's all-New York World Series. But this time, there was a distinctly different tone to the proceedings.

Legions of local college students descended upon the park, demanding that the entire celebration—and the Series—be stopped because it only continued the hegemony of European games imposed upon the indigenous American population. They demanded that lacrosse be designated the official national pastime instead (or at least, any game that isn't soccer).

They were confronted by a phalanx of off-duty cops, right-wing militias, and people from Staten Island, led by the transformed Rudy, waving a half-empty bottle above his head, and cackling maniacally, "Kill 'em all!" 

"Say, I thought we were here to talk about baseball!" interjected Mayor Bill D., who then threw himself to the ground to dodge a hail of bottles and brickbats that came from all directions.

As night fell on the beloved park named for one of the city's outstanding men of letters, roving bands of antifa, fa, ultra-Orthodox radio ranters, Catholic secret society cultists, assorted Wall Street thieves, Allies of the 337 Genders, QAnon conspiracists, the ranting leaders of the PBA, SBA, and ABA, disgruntled municipal workers, disgruntled municipal slackers, interested tourists, alienated members of the white working class, un-alienated members of the white working class, the woke, the broke, the last good toke, and even the no-longer-innocent bystanders set upon the park and tore it all to shreds in a matter of minutes.

Later, Mayor de Blasio's office issued a statement condemning all sides. Former Mayor Giuliani made the baying sounds that were the only noises he was capable of making any longer, having further evolved into a gigantic, multi-headed dog.

Play ball!