Virtual Rainout: MLB Tries to Bait Yankees into Warming Up Starter. Idiots Clash in Chicago.

From the desk of HoraceClarke66...

Following a day of solid rain, MLB did its level best to try to get the Yankees to waste Gerrit Cole today, canceling and un-canceling the game seven times over the course of two hours. But the Yanks weren’t biting, instead warming up Luis Cessa, who the FCC has banned from being shown on national television after September. 

 

“What an obvious ploy. We weren’t biting on that one!” scoffed manager Ma Boone when the lords of baseball finally let everyone go home.

 

Meanwhile, competing protests turned ugly today on the streets of Chicago, just outside FlipPhone Field, home of the newly rechristened Chicago Rainbow San Sox.

 

The leftist militant group, Antifreeze, protested the club’s attempt to recognize the poor and sockless, by insisting that the team’s new name was in fact an insult to indigent people everywhere.

 

“The poor people of this country, of this world, have socks and know how to put them on!” insisted Antifreeze spokesman Jerry Simpson.

 

Confronting the woke folk was the Goober State Militia, a right-wing group protesting the fact that neither league championship series was being played anywhere near the homes of white, working-class men with half-dissembled cars in their front yards.

 

“White men who didn’t go to college should get more stuff. That’s just the way it’s always worked!” insisted former Pennsylvania senator and general dunderhead Rick Santorum. “Why isn’t the World Series going to be played in rural Pennsylvania? Why shouldn’t everything be done for the consideration of rural Pennsylvania?”

 

Santorum threatened that if MLB did not come around soon and schedule a World Series in, say, Skunk Creek, PA, local white men would have to take further action, “such as not only just not going to college, but not going to high school, either. Maybe not even going beyond grammar school!”

 

Santorum’s remarks were interrupted, though, when the rival militias both attempted to perform a citizens’ arrest on each other, and all ended up waddling off toward jail in handcuffs. Later, the Rainbow San Sox issued a press release stating that the team had decided to go back to its old name of “Chicago White Sox” after all.