No. Beyond weird.
I mean, WTF? Have we been hacked? Is this so-called 2026 "world series" an A.I. fueled slop animation? An imaginary dream orgasm? How else would you explain it? Because nothing makes sense. Nothing...
Last night, in case you missed it - or crashed a heel through your TV out of pure disbelief - something took place that is absolutely foreign to the bylaws of the Yankiverse.
I still can't understand it, but I'll try to Yanksplain:
There we were, in our homes, clutching our beverages and hoisting our victory blankets, watching a team give up four runs in the first inning - FOUR RUNS... AND YET... dear God, I still can't process this, AND YET...
The game wasn't over!
Okay, I know what you're thinking. Duque, put down the toad. You've lost your mind. You're hallucinating again, and dream shards are expanding like Jiffy-Pop from your drooling jawline.
But no, I'm not making this up. I swear it.
The Milwaukee Brewers - who knew this was going on? - were down by four in the first - game over, go home, everybody - and yet they battled back to win the game - and get his - they did it without hitting four solo home runs, which is, of course, the only way our Yankee Death Barge ever comes back.
By the laws and realities of the 2026 Yankee Home Run Derby Firmament, a four-run deficit requires four solo-home runs, preferably spaced around 12 strikeouts, as each Yankee performer showcases his grandest swing-'n-pose.
I mean, what are we watching? Is this a Russian thing? Have the Iranians hacked Fox? Is John Smoltz a secret Canadian? This cannot be not real. I'm wondering... what really happened in the postseason? Will we wake up in December, locked out of baseball, only to learn that the Yankees - led by Giancarlo and Jazz - actually won the world series? How else do we explain this... I have no words... this thing?
So now, they SAY it's going to Tampa. They SAY the Brewers are ahead. They SAY the Rays still have a chance. Well, I wonder. Where's Brent Headrick? Where's Ryan McMahon? What has happened to the 30 strikeouts-per-game model? What are they doing, moving runners into scoring position?
Calgon Bath Oil Beads, take me away...
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2 comments:
Soon, our pain will end. The long, national nightmare will be over. The kettle will stop boiling. The toilet will cease to overfloweth. The season will end. Then comes the long night of discontent, the iron curtain will come down, the feet will swell up, the bad metaphors will dry up. Instead of the hot stove - which I used to look forward to - we will be scanning the news pages for word on the lockout. Jimmy Olsen will report to us what the oligarch owners want us to hear. Will there be baseball again? Sadly, yes. "Sadly," because it will be more of the same, at least for those of us in the Kingdom of Hal, where nobody can have nice things and High Lord Steinbrenner - a hereditary monarch - belittles us our lack of gratitude. Fuck Hal, Fuck Brian, Fuck Bonnie, that soulless, spineless, untalented wimp. I'm going to go to some minor league games this coming summer, assuming I live that long, and I'll try to enjoy the little things, but in the Kingdom of Hal, all is gray, there are no crops in the field, and the wells have run dry.
Yeah…..
What Bitty said.
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