Breaking News! Official Unofficial IIHIIFII...c Audit Results—Expectations

 

Following up on the “Findings” and “Recommendations” sections of their completely unauthorized, unwanted, and unprofessional audit of the New York Yankees, the IIHIIFII…c consulting team released their “Expectations” of how the Yankees will respond to their analysis, and what that will mean for their future.

Asked for a comment, a spokesman for the Yankees told the media that the team’s front office was unavailable for comment, as it was out of town at the winter meetings, but added that if it were at home, it would tell the IIHIIFII…c team, to get bent.

The good news for Yankees fans in the report is that, in light of the Mets’ hiring David Stearns as general manager, any SeisMetsic Shift in fan allegiance will likely be delayed for a few more years.

Otherwise, the conclusions are grim. 

Expectations

Realistically, we do not expect the New York Yankees to take any of our recommendations, with one, possible exception: the Yankees will likely find themselves so depleted in the outfield by next spring, that they may be forced to consider finally giving Estevan Florial a genuine chance to play centerfield. Though more likely, they will simply continue to play pick-up outfielders from the margins of organized baseball.

We also expect that:

—The Yankees will continue to rapidly age their way out of any chance of serious contention, and plunge to the worst, sustained depths of their long and storied franchise.

—The Yankees will refuse to give up on starting players such as Giancarlo Stanton and D.J. LeMahieu, and attempt to “restart” and “get them going again.” But at, respectively, 34 and 35 years of age, neither player is likely to recover much of their old abilities or to avoid extended stays on the disabled list.

—The Yankees will also give first baseman Anthony Rizzo every opportunity to regain his old form. Rizzo’s decline has been less steep than that of Stanton’s or LeMahieu’s in recent years, but as he is also 34, it is unlikely that he can avoid injury or make a dramatic comeback.

—Normally, we would expect young players in the walk year of a contract, such as Gleyber Torres, to put up stellar numbers. But considering his general obliviousness, Torres may well fall short of such expectations.

—The Yankees will likely try to fill their gaping hole at third base with one or both of their young infielders, Oswald Peraza and Oswaldo Cabrera. But judging from their experiences last year, and the Yankees’ difficulties in cultivating young players, we expect both players to continue their swift decline.

—We do not expect the Yankees to take our recommendations to acquire outfielders Juan Soto or Cody Bellinger.

—We do not expect the Yankees to try to acquire Shohei Ohtani, or any of the other, leading outfield and DH prospects.

—We expect that the Yankees, counting on the return of Jasson “The Martian” Dominguez at some point in the future, will sign only marginal, transitional outfielders, such as Kevin Kiermaier or, at most, Lourdes Gurriel, Jr.. 

—Based on the experiences of Miguel Andujar, Dustin Fowler, and Clint Frazier in recent years, among many others, we do not expect The Martian to ever become a starting outfielder in the major leagues, after the devastating injury he sustained last season.

—We do not expect the Yankees to sign any new pitchers of note.

—Based on the experiences of Miguel Andujar, Dustin Fowler, and Clint Frazier in recent years, among many others, we do not expect The Martian to ever become a starting outfielder in the major leagues, after the devastating injury he sustained last season.

—We do not expect the Yankees to sign any new pitchers of note.

—We expect the Yankees’ starting rotation in 2024 to consist of Gerrit Cole, Carlos Rodon, Michael King, Nestor Cortes, Jhony Brito, and Clarke Schmidt. We expect this rotation to once again be riddled with injuries, and largely ineffectual.

—We expect that moving Michael King to the starting rotation will leave another major hole in the Yankees’ bullpen, and that none of the mounting relief problems will be addressed this season. 

—We do not expect the Yankees to make any major expenditures, for any reason.

—We do not expect the Yankees to fire more than a few, token personnel throughout their organization.

—We do not expect the Yankees to make more than a few, token hires of personnel in the front office, or for the coaching and training staffs.

—We do not expect either manager Aaron Boone or general manager Brian Cashman to be dismissed, or even criticized in any way.

—We do not expect the Yankees to take any measures to enhance the fan experience at Yankee Stadium.

—We do not expect any changes in making Yankees’ broadcasts easier to find.

—We do expect the Yankees to raise prices across the board, as they have already raised them for tickets.

—We do expect the Yankees to sell more and more advertising on the team’s once revered pinstripes, as well as on the playing field, and possibly on team caps.

—We do expect the Yankees to participate in the farcical, “City Connect” gear grub.

—We do expect the Yankees to continue to cooperate fully with the rest of the MLB cartel, no matter how counterproductive its requirements are to the health of the sport in general or the Yankees in particular.

—We do expect the overall popularity of baseball to continue to decline, in light of how it is presently played and promoted.

—We do not expect the Steinbrenner family to ever sell the team and, considering the family’s long history of running even inherited, heavily subsidized businesses into bankruptcy, we do expect the Yankees to run up unprecedented losses on the playing field and at the box office for at least the next decade.

—We do expect, in the light of these losses, that the Yankees will soon hire a large, furry mascot.

Trump gets nasty with Nestor, and Cashman gets nasty with fans

In case you missed it, Donald Trump last night welcomed Nestor Cortes to his Florida rally, and I gotta think it helps Agent Orange more than Nasty Nestor.

In this polarized political spectrum, I'm not sure its wise for any player to throw in with MAGA or Uncle Joe. Nestor will be a beloved Yank, as long as he can pitch into the 6th. But as he returns from a lost season, I'm not sure he needs the extra stress of wearing a red hat in a blue-hat fan base - midnight blue, that is.

For posterity, here's the clip.

Johnny Damon and Paul O'Neill both supported Trump, and so be it. My problem with Trump recruiting Yankees: He didn't poach Randy Levine, who was rumored to be a possible White House Chief of Staff for about 15 minutes, back when Rudy G was going to be U.S. Attorney General. 

Which brings us to Brian Cashman's meltdown Tuesday, which has already spawned a global avalanche of copy. For nearly an hour, the GM-for-Life pissed and moaned about Yank fans, his job, and the fact that nobody appreciates him. 

He sounded like a man who is tired of running the Yankees. 

I believe Cashman's outburst will haunt him for the rest of his career - even if he turns the Yankees around. When he eventually retires, they'll play the footage of him tossing F-bombs - this, while representing in an organization that bans facial hair.

Thus far, Cashman has been mostly known for good deeds - rappelling down a building in New Haven to launch Christmas, or sleeping on the streets to shine a light on the homeless. Now, he'll also be remembered for cursing out his critics. Bad juju.

But but BUT... Cash got one point right: Winning aint so easy anymore. The Yankees face a crosstown rival who will outspend them on any player, plus billionaire owners in smaller markets who view teams as extensions of their manhood. Ten years ago, the Yankees could win every auction. That window has closed.

I gotta think a double-secret probation clock is ticking on Cashman's time with the Yankees. This week's outburst didn't help.

Breaking News! Official IIHIIFII...c Audit Results, Part II—Recommendations

 

With rhetorical chaos swirling around the New York Yankees today, the Less-than-official Auditors of the team, IIHIIFII…c Business Consultants, released the second round of their completely unauthorized audit today. 

This second part is “Recommendations,” and reflects what the auditors—none of whom have held an actual baseball job in their lives, which puts them on the same level as the Yankees’ official auditors—would do if they ever got their grubby mitts on real power.

Recommendations:

In order to stave off imminent collapse and the onset of a SeisMetsic Shift Event in New York’s fan base, the New York Yankees will have to take immediate action, as well as embarking on the deep-rooted, long-term changes necessary to reverse the slide of this once-fabled sports franchise and exemplar of sustained excellence.

These changes will have to be thorough, dramatic, unyielding, and—at least in the short-term—expensive. In the long term, if properly executed, it is our informed opinion that they will prove to be beneficial and extremely profitable. Or at least, good for a laugh.

—We recommend that, in order to compete in 2024, the Yankees sign ace Japanese free agent, Yoshinobu Yamamoto.

—We recommend that the Yankees sign that diminutive Japanese relief pitcher somebody mentioned, whatshisname.

—We recommend that the Yankees re-sign old friend Jordan Montgomery.

—We recommend that the Yankees sign closer Josh Hader.

—We recommend that the Yankees sign outfielder (and Ninja warrior) Cody Bellinger.

—We recommend that the Yankees make a major effort to trade for outfielder Juan Soto, if he is on the market. 

—We recommend that the Yankees attempt to trade DH and millstone, Giancarlo Stanton, even though that will mean having to pay much of his immense salary. If he refuses a trade, we recommend that the Yankees play him in the field for every inning and every pitch of spring training, until he collapses.

—We recommend that the Yankees trade pitcher Carlos Rodon, even if that means having to pay much of the bloated pitcher’s bloated salary.

—We recommend that the Yankees trade their only real trade commodity of any value, second baseman Gleyber “What, Me Worry?” Torres.

—We recommend that, if they have not been able to obtain a better candidate for centerfield than Estevan Florial, that the Yankees give Florial a genuine shot to win the position in spring training.

—We recommend that the Yankees give catcher Austin Wells every chance to win the position in spring training—and that they give minor-league catcher Ben Rice every chance to win the back-up catching spot.

—We recommend that the Yankees trade professional weightlifter Ben Rortvedt immediately, before he hurts himself again.

—We recommend that the Yankees fire manager Aaron Boone, and replace him with Buck Showalter. If Showalter declines the position, we recommend that the Yankees replace Boone with Hensley Meulens.

—We recommend that the Yankees fire general manager Brian Cashman, and replace him with Kim Ng.

—We recommend that the Yankees fire their entire analytics department, be it large or small, and replace it with individuals who actually understand and know how to utilize analytics.

—We recommend that the Yankees fire their scouting and talent assessment personnel, and replace them with individuals who can actually recognize and sign young talent everywhere.

—We recommend that the Yankees fire their “pro-scouting department” personnel, and replace them with the individuals who obviously do a much better job of preparing the Yankees’ opponents. 

—We recommend that the Yankees fire their minor-league development personnel, and replace them with individuals who have proven able to actually develop minor leaguers into productive major-league starters.

—We recommend that the Yankees fire their instructional and training personnel, and replace them with individuals who will not actively injure or retard the development of young players.

—We recommend that the Yankees find these new personnel by assessing the front offices of the many teams that regularly outperform them in producing talented, healthy, athletic young ballplayers.

—We recommend that the Yankees refuse to accept any more advertising for the team’s uniforms, and buy out the current advertiser. We further recommend that the team refuse to take part in MLB’s blatant “City Connect” gear grab, and commit to keeping, untouched, the traditional Yankee uniforms of home pinstripes, and road grays.

—We recommend that the Yankees slash concession prices across the board at Yankee Stadium.

—We recommend that the Yankees slash ticket prices at the publicly subsidized Yankee Stadium.

—We recommend that Mr. Steinbrenner tear down the lower deck wall, and allow all fans free access to their entire ballpark.

—We recommend that the Yankees abolish luxury boxes and, until those boxes can be physically replaced, implement a lottery for fans to enter so they can win a box for a night.

—We recommend that the Yankees embark on an ambitious, multi-year improvement plan—at their own expense—to greatly expand, enhance, and place closer to the ballfield, seats of the botched Yankee Stadium III. Above all, we recommend removal of the monstrous, “black-box” restaurant in centerfield.

—We recommend that the Yankees embark on an ambitious, multi-year improvement plan—at their own expense—to greatly expand, enhance, and place closer to the ballfield, seats of the botched Yankee Stadium III. Above all, we recommend removal of the monstrous, “black-box” restaurant in centerfield.

—We recommend that the Yankees place all of their games on the YES Network, and fill much more of the network’s air time between games with broadcasts of great Yankee games, histories of the team, and biographies of great Yankee players and personnel. 

We also recommend that the team broadcast a much wider variety of great Yankee games, commission a much better, comprehensive history of the franchise, and provide much better player bios.

—We recommend that the Yankees stop trying to hold up New York City for more subsidies, and instead make meaningful contributions to the Borough of the Bronx.

—We recognize that almost none of these recommendations are likely to be accepted or acted upon by Hal Steinbrenner or the current Yankees front office. In light of this intransigence, we recommend that the Steinbrenner family sell the team immediately—provided that any such sale is not made to James Dolan.

We recommend that, optimally, the Steinbrenners sell the team to an investment group headed by Derek Jeter, who will take over full control of baseball operations. Failing that, the Yankees should be sold to the City of New York, and made into a publicly owned corporation along the lines of the Green Bay Packers in football.

Extreme as these measures may seem, they will, in the long run, guarantee much more popularity and much higher profits for the team, a much better working relationship between the club, the city, and the fans—and a lot more fun for everybody. 

Sinking Ship

From yesterday's press conference...

On rumors:

“First and foremost, is that true? Or is that somebody that’s just gotten in a bad moment, in a weak moment, with a phone call? … I know how this stuff works. Because I’ve been a part of situations — before we started flying high — where everybody starts turning on each other, and they eat each other like (their) young."

"Now it becomes a runaway train. It’s like, Whac-A-Mole, Whac-A-Mole, Whac-A-Mole: You can’t douse every single one."

- Brian Cashman

"Ahh, but the strawberries that's... that's where I had them. They laughed at me and made jokes but I proved beyond the shadow of a doubt and with... geometric logic... that a duplicate key to the wardroom icebox DID exist, and I'd have produced that key if they hadn't of pulled the Caine out of action. I, I, I know now they were only trying to protect some fellow officers...

- Captain Queeg

The Bronx F-Bombers: Cashman cries "$%#@%"

Okay, shoot me. 

Go ahead, put me down. Make it fast. Because just when you thought it could not get worse... well... go ahead, fire away. 

Yesterday, the assembled brain trust of the Yankees - basically Hal Steinbrenner and Brian Cashman (the Yankee version of Doctor Dirty) - group-Zoomed with a Greek chorus of Gammonites to explain away 2023 and give hope for the future!

Basically, this is what they said:

1. The fans don't know shit. 

2. Why do you even fucking talk to them?

3. The critics are just assholes. 

4. We'd have made the playoffs if not for goddamm injuries.

5. We won more than we lost. Can't you shitheads be happy?

6. The Yankees are NOT too analytics-driven. Fuck that! And to prove it, we've hired an analytics firm to analyze the analytics. 

7. Did we mention that fans don't know nothing?

8. Running the Yankees is not easy. There's a lot of things to do.

9. Anyone can criticize. It takes guts to say something positive.

10. We haven't practiced the bunt enough.

Yep. Number 10 is my personal fave. That's what Hal offered up when the writers pressed him for examples of changes that must me made. He blamed the farm system for not practicing bunts, and he attributed it to Aaron Boone, rather than issue such a harsh verdict from his mountaintop.  

And, yeah, we saw banjo hitters swinging with Ruthian launch angles, driving balls to the warning track, while third basemen were practically in left field. The joke on the '23 Yankees was that, if they scored 10 runs, you wondered who hit the 10 solo shots? Anthony Volpe batted .209, but he hit 21 HRs. Was it worth it?

So, more bunts in '24. John Sterling will like that. The Bronx Bunters...

Now and then, you stare straight into the jaws of Hell, and see what's in store for all of us. That happened yesterday. We're one year into a long drought.

Shoot me. 

"I think we're pretty f---ing good, personally, and I'm proud of our people"

 

Said Brian Cashman in today's press conference.

Scene from the Cashman dinner table...

Brian Cashman: I told them we were pretty fucking good. 

Lyin Cashman: Fuck. You're right Brian. The Yankees are pretty fucking good.

Cryin Casman: They fucking suck. Now pass the motherfucking peas.

Our Problems Are Solved: The Unuly Mop Squad Is on It

The New York Yankees held a press conference to let the world know that Hal Steinbrenner met with and questioned players over whether Aaron Boone should return as Yankees manager.

In the best imitation of his father anyone has heard to date, Hal was quoted as saying "We had a winning season ... That's not an accomplishment, that's a requirement!"

During the press conference, Steinbrenner intimated that he had taken "40 pages of notes" following the team's end-of-season meetings, which he said at times were "heated".  Mr. Steinbrenner's interview was interrupted several times with Mr. Steinbrenner's admonishing Randy Levine to "Stop eating the crayons!  I need to fill up more notebook pages!"

Steinbrenner was also quoted as saying the team is relying "heavily" on Omar Minaya and Brian Sabean, the former general managers who were hired last offseason.  Messrs. Minaya and Sabean declined to comment although they did roll their eyes a few times, particularly when Mr. Steinbrenner announced that New York hired Zelus Analytics for a yearlong review of its practices.

In a surprising statement that actually simulated a basic understanding of the game, Steinbrenner shared Manager Boone's belief that the Yankees aren't teaching their hitters enough bunting skills as they come through the system.  As Steinbrenner relayed it, "Boone feels bunting will become more prevalent in the game again, and the Yanks are going to heed his advice and attempt to teach it better."

During the resulting confusion among the press, Mr. Minaya was seen furtively removing a Burnt Siena crayon from Hal's large 64-color box and writing "We should have signed Seager! We should have gotten Freddie Freeman! We ABSOLUTELY should have kept Ursela and Montgomery!  And we should have traded Stanton when he made the 2022 All-Star squad!" and then passing the note to Mr. Sabean.

Sabean, opting for a newly sharpened Fuschia, replied "And, yet, none of us are having 'heated' discussions about Cashman.  Kill me now."

Minaya added, "George Steinbrenner wouldn't have 'asked around' to see the obvious. His first move would have been to fire Hal. Sabean grabbed a Hot Magenta crayon from the box and scrawled "Amen!" on a coaster.

Levine ended the press conference by spitting out a crayon while yelling, "Wait! We were on a Zoom call? People could see us?"

Who said this team is down and out? The Yankees have a one-in-200 chance of winning the MLB draft lottery

Mark your calendars, juju enthusiasts. On Dec. 5, the Starr Insurance Yankees - electrified by the Zelus Analytics brand !- will be seeking a 1-in-200 Hail Mary miracle, as the lords of MLB conduct their 2024 draft pick lottery.

At stake are the No. 1 -6 picks in next June's 2024 draft. Because the crafty Yanks managed to miss this year's postseason, the franchise is eligible to throw the dice in the upcoming lottery.

Way to tank, Yanks!

So, how lucky do you feel? Have you laundered your best juju shirt? Are your sacred icons arranged properly on the mantle? Is your TV functioning to transmit juju through the Rizzutonic porthole? If not, get your ass in gear, dammit.  

The top six picks will be determined through the lottery. Here are the Yankee odds. (Rounded.) 

• No. 1: 0.5%
• No. 2: 0.5%
• No. 3: 0.6%
• No. 4: 0.7%
• No. 5: 0.9%
• No. 6: 1.1%

Pretty exciting, right? I bet you thought there was NO CHANCE that the Yankees could qualify for a high pick - (as the Tankathon shows, they're slated to draft 16th.) But now and then, the universe burps. Last December, the Twins moved up from No. 13 to No. 5, so who knows? The Yankees need your magical thinking. 

(Note: Under the rules, teams that spend over the luxury tax limit lose 10 slots in the draft. But that does not effect the top 6 lottery. So if the Yankees get lucky and win a top pick, their second rounder would get knocked back by 10.) 

(Also, if you're wondering why Washington has no pick, I believe it's because they have received revenue sharing for at least 2 straight years. Such teams are not eligible for the lottery.)

So, what is our 1-in-200 chance?

Well, it's fuckinay slim, okay? Let's not sugarcoat it. It's not the same as you dating Taylor Swift - that's one in a billion - but it's maybe on par with you dating her dental hygienist. Ever hear of the so-called "Storm of the Century?" These days, they seem to occur every year. Well, that's because you are a clod. In fact, quantifying storms over 200 years is pretty difficult. 

In their 34-page paper titled "What is one in 200?," submitted to the GIRO 2009 Insurance conference - (I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP) - a nine-member committee headed by Cameron Heath noted:

In only the past 200 years major events have included the invention of the car and the aeroplane, manned space flight, the downfall of empires, the abolition of slavery, the discovery of penicillin, nuclear reactors and sliced bread…to name but a few. (I'M NOT MAKING THIS UP.) For example, could you have imagined the 9/11 World Trade Center (WTC) attacks, as you stood there watching Napoleon strip the Teutonic Knights of their last holdings in Bad Mergentheim, in 1809?

Frankly, with the right assortment of mushrooms in the field, I could have imagined it, but I  doubt those Teutonic Knights had their shit together. So, let's figure that the Yankees have about as much chance at the lottery as the 1809 Bad Mergentheium ballteam had of winning the European world cup.

But but BUT... it's NOT zero chance. Am I right? The Yankees have a fingernail's chance of not falling into the chasm. Start lighting those candles. It's time for the juju gods to make things right again.  

Breaking News! Official IIHIIFII...c Audit Results!

 

This morning the first part of the Official IIHIIFII…c audit of the New York Yankees was inflicted upon the general public. The audit will be released in three sections over the next three days, divided into: Findings, Recommendations, and Expectations.

The long-feared IIHIIFII…c audit is reported to be excoriating. One anonymous Yankees source dismissed it as “What now?” while others insist that it is just the drunken ramblings of a bunch of old baseball cranks on a bizarre website, who have too much time (and bourbon) on their hands.

But the IIHIIFII…c audit crew points out, in its defense, that it has ventured no expense in assembling a fine array of consulting stock footage to accompany its audit that includes actual images of hands manipulating common office equipment, and montages that include tried and true consulting words, such as “consultant,” “support,” “solutions,” and “expertise.”

Here, then, is Part I of the Audit:

Findings:

    The New York Yankees are an aging, overpaid ballclub in serious decline. If steps are not taken to address this condition immediately, the city is likely to see a SeisMetsic Shift in fan loyalties. 

     Such shifts have happened only twice before in the New York history (1964-1975, 1984-1992), and each time they presaged periods of extreme civic disorder and general derangement, as chaos and evil ran unchecked.

    But the facts are the facts:

—The Yankees have not won a World Series since 2009, a span of 14 seasons, which is tied for the third longest championship drought in the team’s history.

— The Yankees have not been in a World Series since 2009, a span of 14 seasons, which is the second longest such drought in the team’s history.

—While the Yankees have enjoyed 31 consecutive winning seasons, the team maintained this streak by the margin of a single game in 2023.

—The Yankees dropped out of the 2023 pennant race in July, the team’s earliest departure from the chase since 1992.

—The Yankees have serious holes in their lineup at first base, third base, centerfield, left field, designated hitter, and perhaps at catcher.

—The Yankees have serious gaps in their starting rotation.

—The Yankees have serious gaps in their relief pitching.

—The Yankees’ younger players almost all flopped in 2023, with prized rookies Oswaldo Cabrera and Oswald Peraza taking giant steps back from their promising beginnings in 2022. While shortstop Anthony Volpe won a Gold Glove, and showed speed on the basepaths and power at the plate, his .209 batting average was alarming, and may be the best he is capable of hitting.

—The Yankees’ rookie call-ups almost all flopped in late 2023, with the exception of catcher Austin Wells. Centerfielder Jasson “The Martian” Dominguez, while displayed considerable potential, suffered a major injury that may prevent him from ever being a major-league starter.

—There are no major pitching prospects remaining in the Yankees’ farm system.

—There are no major hitting prospects remaining in the Yankees’ farm system, with the possible exception of first-round draft pick Spencer Jones.

—Yankees’ manager Aaron Boone is, to use the term of art, a well-meaning buffoon. Boone is an uninspiring dugout manager, whose team quit on him this past season. Boone is a poor field manager, a front office automaton skilled only in the Yankees’ version of analytics, and unwilling to break from his programmers.

—Yankees’ general manager Brian Cashman, about to start his 27^th season in that position, has made so many poor trades and so many bad decisions on whether to sign free agents, that he has become extremely reluctant to do either, all but paralyzed by a lack of confidence in his own abilities. 

Too often, players who fail are simply sold or even given away, instead of being traded for anything of value.

—The Yankees’ scouting staff is unable to identify and sign the best prospects available.

—The Yankees’ coaching staff, system-wide, is unable to improve any players, and in fact makes most of the players they tutor, worse.

—The Yankees’ training staff has proven unable to prevent players of all ages and at all levels from suffering sustained, record levels of injuries, many of which are debilitating or even career-ending. 

Nobody gets any better, everyone gets hurt, could be the motto of the Yankees today.

—Players traded away from the Yankees often perform much better with new teams.

—Yankees fans feel increasingly alienated by the high price of food, drink, and souvenirs at Yankee Stadium.

—Yankees fans feel increasingly alienated by the high price—and the low number—of seats available at Yankee Stadium.

—Yankees fans feel increasingly alienated by how much of Yankee Stadium seems to be dedicated to exclusive, high-end bars and restaurants, with most fans prevented by literal walls from even passing through the more elite sections of the ballpark.

—Yankees fans feel repulsed by the Yankees selling the beloved pinstripes for ad space.

—Yankees fans feel bewildered by the Yankees’ tendency to constantly move their television broadcasts to different networks or streaming services.

—As a fish rots from the head down, the Yankees’ fortunes are hobbled by the inattention of owner Hal Steinbrenner, his willingness to constantly throw good money after bad, his reluctance to fire nonperforming staff at any level, and his submissiveness to the dictates of his fellow owners. 

None of this is in the tradition of the New York Yankees, a team that is in imminent danger of devolving to such other local also-rans as the Knicks, Nets, Mets, Jets, Devils, and Islanders.

The SeisMetsic Shift could soon be upon us.

Anthony Volpe wins the Gold Glove? Or is it the Golden Globe?

MLB gave out its Gold Glove awards yesterday, and citizens of the Yankiverse don't know whether to hoist a champagne toast or go hide with a flask of Mad Dog 20-20.

Anthony Volpe won the GG at shortstop, the marquee defensive position on every ballfield. Congrats. Hooray. Yabadabadoo. 

But, yeesh, I dunno about this. Some thoughts...

1. It's weird, a guy with 17 errors, ranked 9th among qualifiers, winning the GG. Nope, check that: It's flat-out bizarre. Volpe has nearly three times the errors of Carlos Correa, who also has a better fielding percentage. Basically, the Powers That Be are saying Volpe is a great fielder... if you ignore the errors. WTF?

2. In the early season, some folks questioned Volpe's arm, suggesting he will eventually move to 2B. Some were saying he's not even be the best defensive SS on the Yankees. (That could be Oswald Peraza.) Over the season, Volpe definitely improved. But - seriously - Gold Glove?

3. I recall Baltimore management extolling the virtues of SS Jorge Mateo - even comparing him to Mark Belanger and Cal Ripken. When I heard that, I just assumed they were doing what many teams do: hyping a young guy who wasn't hitting. (He hit .217.) Now, I wonder if that's what happened with Volpe. Because offensively, Volpe's rookie season was a disaster. (He hit .209.) 

4. The Clint Frazier conundrum. A few years back, during the Covid meltdown, Red Thunder somehow was named as a finalist for the Gold Glove in left field - despite the fact that every fly ball hit his way was a Stephen King horror novel. Yank fans knew this. Frazier knew this. He was often replaced in the late innings, to buttress the defense. How could the GG awards committee not know this? The answer? Well... 

5. The answer may lay in numbers - provided by the Society for American Baseball Research. (I shit you not; this is a real thing.) Every year, the Society puts out defensive stats, which are supposed to make up 25 percent of the decision-making input on the GG awards. (Most of it is supposed to come from the voting of managers and coaches.) 

One major calculation is the DWAR - Defensive Wins Above Replacement. And perhaps, therein lies the explanation.

There are two ultimate secrets in this world: The formula for Coke, and how WAR is calculated. I look at DWAR and shake my head. It's just a number. But Volpe had the highest DWAR among AL qualifiers. Do the managers and coaches agree? Is DWAR the almighty new way of rating fielders? 

Dunno. But it used to be that the great fielding shortstops were artistic, almost majestic, in how they made plays. Think of Ozzie Smith. Davey Concepcion. Barry Larkin. Our own Number 2. 

I just didn't see Volpe that way. Congrats are in order. But even a Gold Glove can clank. 

You may see it differently, but imagine how Hal Steinbrenner might view the Yankees this winter

Sunday Extra Hour of Sleep Parlor Game: 

For one minute, one stinking 60 seconds, put yourself in Hal Steinbrenner's Dr. Dentons. Don his thinking cap and imagine what's going on. Okay, I think we're connecting...  

Mmm, wine good, GOOD, haha, must scratch belly, mmm...

Yes, we're interfacing with the Hal Unit No. 1. Here goes... 

Do not believe what they're saying. Ugly fans. No fun. Yankees missed playoffs by only seven games. That's less than 10, haha. 

No panic. Carlos Rodon will return. That's four extra wins!  Aaron Judge will stay healthy. That's five more. Anthony Volpe will improve. Andrew Rizzo, too. Nestor Cortez and DJ, they'll be back. That's 15, 20 extra wins. Make playoffs. From there, who knows, haha. Scratch belly. Mmm. 

All talk about money - MY MONEY!- it's awful fans. Constantly carping. Bad breath. Poor hygiene. Can't appease them. Give a nickel, and they want the lake house. No more coddling! No more spending! It doesn't grow on trees, people!

And that's how the '23 Yankees could become the '24 team.  

Hal can let the analytics wonks assure him that all is not so bad. He won 82 games without a CF, a LF, a 3B and any depth of pitching. He nearly made the playoffs with an all RH lineup and sluggers past their sell-by dates. Just trade Gleyber Torres for somebody, anybody, and wait for The Martian. That's all.    

Just sit back, hold on, do nothing. Beat the luxury tax threshold. He can still win 82, and compete for a spot in the 12-team playoffs.

Whatever Hal does - or doesn't do -  the Yankees can stay in the expanded playoff race until Sept. 1. From there, they'll bring up the prospects they've hyped all summer. They can sell hope. There are always believers. They can do nothing and still make money. 

What if Hal knows this?  

The fate of the Yankees lies within something called Zelus Analytics

Behold The Z-Team: 

Leading off, there's Dashing Doug Fearing, followed by Crazy Hair Luke Bornn (old "Double N"), the mysterious Inderpal Singh at DH, and Dangerous Dan Cervone - the Four Horsemen of the Yankee Apocalypse - the top four at Zelus Analytics, the team of wonks, crunchers and algorithms that has been hired to figure out what the hell is wrong with the Yankees.

Let's hope they find a Fibonacci sequence - (a Rizzutonacci sequence?) - that will restore the Yankees to, well, whatever the hell they were... long, long ago in a galaxy far, far away. 

(In case you're wondering, in Greek mythology, Zelos was the daimon that personifies dedication, emulation envy and jealousy. In a nice symmetry,  considering the Yankee fan base, the English word "zealot" stems from this name.)

In my years of following the Death Barge - an obsession that extends back to the glory days of M&M - I cannot recall a Yankee owner punting on his gut and hiring an outside analytics firm to analyze the interior analytics department. Crunching the crunchers. Part of me wants to believe it's a good thing. But I dunno...

Maybe Prince Hal realizes something horrible has gone astray, that the Yankees somehow last summer became a toxic environment, and he's willing to try something - anything - to change things. Zelus will generate a garage full of data, and maybe somewhere within those numbers, the pencil-pushers can explain how somebody thought it was a good idea to get Joey Gallo from the Rangers in 2021, launching the Texas trajectory toward a championship. Maybe they'll solve the mysteries of Josh Donaldson, Aaron Hicks, Luis Severino, Estavan Florial, et al. 

Or maybe they'll turn an already soul-less franchise over to Artificial Intelligence. 

Or maybe they'll just give Hal new ideas on how to make money. 

And therein lies the concern.

With or without a world championship, Hal will do just fine. The Yankees control the most lucrative market in American sports, and it will take years of domination by the Mets before they lose that toehold. 

Of course, if they ever do lose it, it will take decades to get it back.

Let's wish Zelus well. For posterity, here's their elevator pitch, direct from the website: 

Professional sports teams are currently engaged in a billion-dollar arms race to squeeze wins out of data. While early innovations in sports analytics largely relied on simple techniques, many teams are struggling to handle emergent challenges with the complex data sources now dominating the space. At Zelus Analytics, our mission is to address these challenges by building the world’s leading sports intelligence platform. In so doing, we intend to help the professional teams in our exclusive partner network compete and win championships.

So it goes.

I'm Glad That's Over

 I always tend to drink a lot of beer during the post season.

This year, I watched the Rangers not lose a single game on the road, establishing a new record in doing so. 

I watched the yankees doing commercials for Geico.

I got to see wonderful baseball. Defense galore.  Players who could hit. Players who could pitch.

On the Yankee side, we saw the most exciting pitcher of our year ( Perfect game and all ) check into an AA clinic , and get dumped by the disapproving Yankee executives.

We saw Dusty Baker retire as the World Series drew to an end.

We saw the Yankees manager and GM complimented for their work. 

I can't drink to that. 

In 2024, Yanks to celebrate gala 15th Crystal Anniversary of their last, farewell appearance in a world series

Q: What do the following teams have in common?

Texas Rangers. Arizona Diamondbacks. Houston Astros. Philadelphia Phillies. Atlanta Braves. Tampa Bay Rays. Los Angeles Dodgers. Washington Nationals. Boston Redsocks. Cleveland Indians. Chicago Cubs. Kansas City Royals. New York Mets. San Francisco Giants. St. Louis Cardinals. Detroit Tigers.

A: They each played in a world series since 2009, the Yankees' most recent, gala, grand farewell appearance.

Q: How many world series games have been played since the Yankees' most recent, gala, grand farewell appearance?

A: 86

Q: What teams have won the most world series games since 2009, the Yankees' most recent, gala, grand farewell appearance?

Astros 13
Giants 12
Rangers 8
Dodgers 8
Redsocks 8
Royals 7
Cardinals 6
Braves 4
Nationals 4
Cubs 4
Indians 3
Phillies 2
Rays 2
Diamondbacks 1

Q: How much money have the Yankees spent on payroll since 2009, their most recent, gala, grand farewell appearance in the world series?

A: $3.035 billion, according to Cots Baseball Contracts.

Q: How much money have the Astros spent on payroll since 2009, the Yankees' most recent, gala, grand farewell appearance in the world series?

A: $1,968 billion, or slightly less than 2/3rds of what the Yankees spent, according to Cots Baseball Contracts.

Q: When was the last time the Yankees went 15 years without appearing in the world series?

A: Never. Though, technically, that's debatable, if you include years they were known as the New York Highlanders. The 1920 Yankees/Highlanders went 18 seasons without an appearance. (The 1982-94 Yankees went 14, and the 1965-75 team went 11.) 

Get excited, everyone! The Crystal Yankees in 2024 could make history!

Congratulations...

 

...to World Series MVP and Cashman reject, Corey Seagar! 

Hey, I kid, I kid.

How could Brian Cashman possibly have known this guy could do something like this?

Oh, right...

BECAUSE HE DID IT BEFORE!

Only two-time winner of the award besides...Mr. October, Reggie Jackson, from back when the Yankees could still sign useful free agents.

Should fans validate Fox's fraudulent 2023 world series results? I vote, no!

Sheeple of America: 

I hereby REFUSE to accept the bogus, dishonest, counterfeit and deceitful "2023 World Series" results, which would - RIDICULOUSLY - have you believe the lowly Texas Rangers beat the pathetic Arizona Diamondbacks in a recent set of orchestrated, scripted TV "sports" shows. NO WAY!

The Rangers... champions? What fools do they think us be? And who is their so-called MVP? Deranged Corey Seager? Travis Jankowski? Tony Fauci? George Soros? Hillary? DON'T LET THEM GET AWAY WITH THIS!

First off, before we do anything, questions must be answered.

1. Why didn't Fox use its A-team: Sean Hannity, Gilbert Gottfried! and - in my humble opinion - the great Lou Dobbs?  If Laura or The Five were on hand, as judicial observers, these "games" might have worn a tiny cloak of credibility. Instead, we didn't even get "Meatball Joe" Buck and Troy Aikman, or the sideline ladies! 

2. Why did this "series" have no cities? Think about it. NO CITIES? It pitted two states against each other. No city should have to play an entire state, unless it's Rhode Island, WHICH DOESN'T HAVE A TEAM! Really fishy. And not fair. Do they think we have no eyes?

3. How did Texas somehow acquire Jordan Montgomery, Nathan Eovaldi and Aroldis Chapman - for next to nothing? According to MLB, the trio netted the Yankees only Harrison Bader-Ginsberg. Are we supposed to think the Yankees had all three, and all they got in exchange was one injury-prone CF who - and people are saying this - wears LIFTS in his boots? THAT MAKES NO SENSE, UNLESS THEY WERE STOLLEN! Where are the servers? Subpoena the servers! And while we're on it, what the hell ARE servers?

4. Can anyone really claim that Texas - with a middle order of Evan Carter, Mitch Garver, Josh Jung and Nathaniel Lowe - is baseball's best? Sorry, folks, but those no-names can't hold a lick to the likes of Stanton!, Rizzo!, Torres! and LeMahieu! People are saying it's a hoax.  

5. The entire event was a just attempt to weaponize the World Series against the Yankees. Okay, that's not a question, but dammit, I'm asking it anyway! Because it's true! 

6. They're pulling a fast one. They claim free agency begins today, with the Yankee Freedom Caucus of Isiah Kiner-Falefa, Keyman Middleton, Zach McAllister, Frankie Montas, Wandy Peralta, Luis Severino and Luke Weaver. I'm not falling for it. They're all Yankees, and they don't get to grow their freedom beards. Not yet, anyway.

We must not validate the 2023 world series results - not until February, at least, when fans can storm the fields and get answers. Be there. Will be wild!

If the 2023 season ends tonight in Arizona, one song must be played

Hopefully, the Diamondbacks will lose tonight and proceed straight to Runner-Up Heaven. The world will miss their young star, the great Caroll Corbin, Coral Caybin, Cabin Codene, um, whatever, along with that Merrill guy who went to Korea to find his true, inner-Scaramuccci.  

Ah, yes... Arizona! I hoped for some 140-degree nights and maybe the Yellowstone superquake, a Kari Lake of fire. But, here's to the D-backs commemorating their great almost-almost by reliving their greatest moment heretofore:

The 2001 world series postgame celebration. 

Back then, as the nation still burned from the aftermath of 9/11, moments after the Yankees lost on a humpback liner, the gracious home team Diamondbacks celebrated by playing one particular song. I'll never forget it. Neither should you. And hopefully, neither will the juju gods.

So, if they lose tonight, let's hope they play the song. Go ahead, play it, play it again, Sam. 

No, not that song. They'll need a song that starts spreading the news. 

After all, the Rangers would be leaving, today. 

They'll want to wake up in a city that never sleeps...

As king of the hill, top of the heap.

If they can make it with Aroldis Chapman, they can make it anywhere.

Yes, that song. Go ahead, Zona, play it, play it again.