Plague Theater: Tony Soprano's "Joe Pepitone" moment

Three RBIs!

The wondrous moments that we're missing

The counter in the upper left corner says it all: 21 days since the last Yankee injury - actually, since the last Yankee anything. 

Today, everything seems so surreal. A hundred thousand deaths? How long can we last? Will I live to see another Yankee championship? I used to ask that question rhetorically, as a poke at Food Stamps Hal. Now, I ask it literally: A hundred thousand deaths?Who among us will lose in this looming lottery?

There were moments to the 2020 season I longed to see - now delayed indefinitely. Here's a short list. Please add your own...

1. Gerrit Cole's first game as a Yankee. The prodigal son. I saw him pitching into the eighth, then receiving a standing ovation. Goosebumps. 

2. Clint Frazier scoring in his last opportunity, via the injury to Aaron Judge. He'd hit his way into the lineup and become a lifelong Yankee. What a story to tell.

3. Crowds booing the Astros wherever they go - even some in Houston -  showing that fans understand - and will never forget - the magnitude of their cheating scandal.

4. Redsock fans cringing at the sight of Mookie Betts in a Dodgers uniform. How much does a guy need to do to win loyalty from a multi-billion dollar franchise? I'm glad his gone, but damn - Mookie deserved better.

5. Daily box scores from 17-year-old Jasson Dominiguez - aka "the Martian" - in the Dominican Summer League (and if does well, maybe the Florida rookie league.) For better or worse, I planned to watch this guy throughout his entire Yankee career. An epic saga.

6. Gleyber Torres. That's all. If he can play shortstop - MVP.

7. The rise or fall of Giancarlo Stanton, who cannot lose another Yankee season. The defining year of his career. Crunch time.

8. Finding that Gio Urshela's 2019 season was no fluke, and he is simply a late bloomer. Many top prospects fail at first, then one day figure it out. It's a mystery to me why the Yankees don't pursue more of them (though Cooperstown Cashman has been doing that in recent years.) 

9. Higgy. Yes, I'm not kidding. Higgy - Kyle Higashioka - making the most of his shot as a backup catcher. The guy will never hit for average, but his defense is solid, and he shows surprising power. We mourn the exit of beloved Yankees - (go Austin, go Didi, go Dellin) - but I had a feeling about Higgy. A valuable lug nut.

10. The captain - de facto, that is - Brett Gardner. There is no doubt who leads this team. Damn. It can't end this, right? It can't.

Virtual Game 6: "Wall of Death" Foils Yanks. Stanton Out With Chorizo Poisoning.

In virtual baseball today, the constantly improvising Tampa Bay Rays, with their current major-league payroll of 48 cents, defeated the New York Yankees, 2-1, thanks to a tactic borrowed from soccer.

With the Rays leading 2-1 in the ninth, the bases loaded and Miguel Andujar up for the Yanks, Tampa brought its entire infield and outfield in to stand within a foot of Andujar, leaving only a tiny slot for reliever Chaz Roe to throw a fastball.

When Yankees manager Ma Boone protested the alignment, the home plate umpire scratched his head and replied, "I dunno, looks okay to me.  Besides, I'd like to see one of these rich little bastards get really fucked up."

Sure enough, Andujar whacked a typical line drive, one that hit Rays first baseman Jean Daux in the forehead, killing him instantly—the first on-field, major-league death since the tragic beaning of Ray Chapman in 1920.  But the ball rebounded from Daux's skull to the catcher, who stepped on home plate, ending the game.

"Just one death in a century of baseball is a pretty good work-safety record, if you ask me," MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred pointed out, in a statement denying the Yankees' appeal of the game.  "Look at the how they've done in comparable occupations, such as coal-mining, commercial fishing, and meat rendering."

Tampa Bay denied charges that the late Mr. Daux was, in fact, a 66-year-old, alcoholic street drifter whom they had signed that morning and put on the field just before aligning the "Wall of Death" around Andujar.

"Hey, he's a legitimate prospect," insisted Rays manager Kevin Cash.  "We got a player named Chaz Roe, we could have one named Jean Daux."

Masahiro Tanaka took the loss, despite seven shutout innings and thirteen strikeouts.  Both the Rays' runs came when Clint Frazier stumbled in the outfield, chasing a flyball.  It was later revealed that the laces of Frazier's shoes had been mysteriously tied together before the inning began.  When asked if he had anything to do with the prank, GM Brian Cashman replied, "No comment.  Bwahahahahaha!"

In another disappointing note for the Yankees, slugger Giancarlo Stanton was felled by food poisoning, after eating a suspiciously aged chorizo he had bought on the street, during his recent, inadvertent side trip to Tampico.

Manager Boone said that Stanton would have been capable of playing if this had been a playoff game, provided the other Yankees did not mind him projectile vomiting on them in the dugout.

Plague Theater: Bernie and Jeet on Seinfeld

Admit it: You've been waiting for this.

"The Winning Team"

By the by, TCM is showing all-baseball movies and shorts through 8 p.m.

Coming up are "The Babe Ruth Story," "The Jackie Robinson Story," and the old-timey, 19th-century baseball flick, "Take Me Out to the Ballgame," starring Gene Kelly, Frank Sinatra, and Esther Williams.

Just watched a fun Babe Ruth short, and some of "The Winning Team," which was Ronald Reagan and Doris Day in the Grover Cleveland Alexander story ("The great Alexander is pitching again in Washington...")

The move is basically dreck, and only remotely related to Pete Alexander's real story.  Among other things, the events in the famous game in which he struck out Tony "Poosh-em-up" Lazzeri are largely altered (and the guy playing Rogers Hornsby is a balding, pot-bellied character actor who looks to be at least 55).

BUT...great clips of the Original Stadium at full capacity during the World Series, and great clips of New Yorkers watching the giant scoreboards set up in Times Square.

Also, Robert Benchley in the short, "Opening Day," coming up at 4:45.

Virtual Game 5: Yanks Fall to Unique Strategy. Stanton Found!

The ever-innovative Tampa Bay Rays unleashed a brand-new strategy against the New York Yankees, starting a lineup of nine pitchers, and bringing in a different hurler for every single pitch thrown.  Thanks to a solo home run by Tampa Bay DH Ji-Man Choi, the Rays handed star free-agent acquisition, Gerrit Cole his first loss as a Yankee, 1-0.

With a new pitcher trotting to the mound for every single pitch, the game lasted 11 hours and 35 minutes.  Cole was removed from the game after the sixth inning, when he fell asleep on the bench, and could not be awakened.

Yankees manager Ma Boone protested that the Rays' strategy violated baseball's new rule that relief pitchers must be used for at least three innings.  Tampa Bay skipper Kevin Cash argued that since all of the pitchers used were already in and stayed in the lineup and on the field, this did not constitute true substitutions.

When the umpires appealed to the MLB home office in New York, they were only able to get through to a spoken message that told them:  "If one of the team's involved in your dispute is from New York, the decision will go against them.  If both teams are from New York, the decision will go against the New York Yankees."

"It was crazy out there," fumed Yanks' first sacker, Luke Voit.  "You had no way to make adjustments.  Everybody was throwing at different speeds, and to different locations, and from different angles, with the lefty and the righty, and the fastball and the curveball and the forkball and the screwball and HEY LADY!"

The loss dropped the Yankees to 3-2 on the season.

In some good news, Yankees superstar Giancarlo Stanton was found alive and well, roaming the streets of Tampico, Mexico, while munching on a chorizo.  He still believed himself to be in Tampa, and had noticed no difference between the violence-devastated Mexican city, and the popular Florida tourist destination.

"Tampa, Tampico—I thought it was the same thing," shrugged Stanton, when he was discovered by the Yankees' private investigators.

He added:  "Look, the traveling secretary usually takes care of these things, and I never leave the hotel, anyway.  I must say, however, that I have been fascinated to learn about the ancient roots of this community dating back to the surprisingly advanced but still little-known Huastec people of the pre-Columbian era.  Maybe I'll come back here to work with one of the archaeological teams over the winter, instead of just going to Cabo again."

Plague Theater: "DEREK JETER... YOU SUCK!"

From the era of Nomar. Before the crash. 

Imagining a June-to-October baseball season

For the sake of killing five minutes...

Let's say the virus runs its course by late May, allowing MLB to launch the 2020 season around June 15. 

The country will rejoice over a return to normalcy - to the great diversion of sports - but health officials might still be leery of massive crowds, and a grieving, still-recovering nation might not be ready, anyway.  

Thus, a revamped 81-game season might have to take place in empty stadiums, a made-for-TV league. And some cities might simply have to cancel. 

By June, New York and Seattle should have passed through the snake - with case loads declining and under control - but who knows where St. Louis or Kansas City will be? Thus, some franchises might call off the year. MLB might field a 12-or 16 team league. Disappointing, but better than nothing.

If so, players from canceled franchises might sign short term deals with the remaining teams. (This would require massive negotiations between owners and the players union, but both sides would have an interest in striking a deal.) The condensed league could feature veritable all-star teams, though this would undermine old-time rivalries. How would Yankee fans feel if, say, the Redsocks unveiled their new short-term second-baseman: Didi Gregorius? A bit manipulated, maybe? (Well, we could sign Jose Altuve, right?)

The shortened, made-for-TV league might have to take place in far-flung minor league cities, such as Boise or Batavia. Hopefully, some small metropolitan centers will escape the ravages of the virus. For network purposes, a stadium in Montana would be no different from one in Houston. 

It's hard to imagine the playoff structure. It might more resemble the Olympics than a regular post-season. If it rolls into November, it would have to take place in southern cities, on neutral fields - and that would be a shame. 

By October, maybe we will have a vaccine, a 15-minute test (maybe we already do) and a prescription drug that turns the virus into a flu. If so, a world series could be played in actual home cities, like Boston or New York. 

Wouldn't it be the greatest feeling, to survive this abyss, and have an old-fashioned, barn-burner of a world series? It's up to you, scientists. Baseball fever, save it? 

Plague Theater: The Joe Franklin Show with guest Andy Devine (1976)

Plague Theater: "CUZ YA SHOT DEREK JETER!"

From "The Other Guys," considered Jeet's greatest acting achievement.


"SHOULDA SHOT A-ROD!"

(Star-studded cast, by the way.) 

Hope, Diamond

A hundred bucks for an obstructed seat
Cold in the shadow, then blistering heat
The pushy stat-head who needs a shower
Nine inning games that last six hours
Fans in my row with tiny bladders
The $30 million .240 batter
Ear-blistering rock soundtrack
Fourteen dollar Cracker Jacks
Security lines that go on for days
Video reviews, endless delays
Wasted bankers on company plastic
Knucklehead experts so bombastic
Lazy players, greedy owners
Chatterboxes, needy loners
Pina colada spilled down my back--

Goddamnit, I want baseball back!

A-Rod: The future host of CENTERSTAGE? Or maybe even a voice driven by Jeep?

Yesterday, the renowned epidemiologist Dr. Alex Rodriguez did an Instagram Live Chat with Met slugger Pete Alonzo from Dr. J-Lo's Florida mansion mini-pool and perhaps - judging from the angle - while lying on his back. (Bulging disk?)

They discussed Tiger King, a Netflix documentary so daffy that you must keep reminding yourself that it's not a parody. (I've only watched the first two episodes, so no spoilers in the comments, okay?) It's possible that, someday, no chronicle of the Great Quarantine will be complete without mention of Joe Exotic.  

Glad A-Rod is keeping busy. Maybe I've gone soft, but I've come to see the guy as a benign character - a former future deity, now rapidly aging and struggling desperately - (and fruitlessly) - to stay relevant. He surely realizes that, no matter what he says or does, half the baseball world will always hate him. I did. There was a time when I went to bed at night hating him, dreamed of hating him, then woke up next morning hating him. I don't mind saying that, either. The bozo deserved it. 

These days, considering the darkness engulfing this world, I'm cutting people slack. I just hope he doesn't jump into politics. That could rouse a lot of demons. In the meantime, he's planning to do these chats on a weekly basis. Good for him. Future voice of the Yankees? That's hard to imagine, but here's something that isn't: The looming possibility that we may never hear another John Sterling Win Warble, or even another 15-second Geiko game insert from Suzyn. 

If you were taking odds on who'll be the next Voice of the Yankees Radio Network, driven by Jeep, the shortlist of candidates would be... any of the YES characters - Kay, Cone, Flaherty, O'Neill, etc. - some of the garden variety announcers, and - if he pursued it - A-Rod. For now, though, the greatest return to normalcy in the Yankiverse would be the sound of The Master's soothing voice, saying, "Thuhhhhhhhhhhh pitch..."  

Virtual Game 4: Monty Outfoxed in Tampa, Yanks Lose First. Stanton Missing.

The Yankees' first effort to develop a No. 4 starter for the 2020 season fell flat today, as the Tampa Bay Rays spoiled the return of Jordan Montgomery from Tommy John surgery.

The little-known Rays unleashed a blitzkrieg of base hits and stolen bases, running rings around Monty, and routing the Yanks by a final score of 14-2.  The big blow was a monstrous, grand-slam home run from rookie J.E.E. "Tank" Rommel, to the farthest part of the ballpark.  The ball was not retrieved, as no one was sitting there and none of the eight Tampa fans in attendance bothered to chase after it.

"We still have some work to do, but I was encouraged," said Montgomery, never a hard thrower, whose fastball topped out today at 45.  "Sure, I have a small ache in my shoulder, and my elbow is kinda sore, but just gimme a few minutes in the whirlpool."

Several reporters asked Manager Ma Boone if his team had not been distracted by the search for Giancarlo Stanton, who checked out of his Baltimore hotel last night, but did not make the team flight to Florida.

"Who's that now?" asked Boone, who looked befuddle.  "Oh, right, that guy.  Is he still on the roster? I mean, I'm sure he'd be ready to go, if we could find him."

Both Yankee runs were driven in by D.J. LeMahieu, on a hard roundball and a sacrifice fly.  He also made an outstanding play in the field.

Plague Theater: The Babe Ruth Story (1948)

Plague Theater: Actual Yankee rain delay music

Imagine listening to this for the next three months. 

Looking at timelines of a possible baseball season

On Dec. 21, 2019, China disclosed to the world a scary coronavirus in the province of Wuhan. (Here's the timeline.)

About 60 days later, Wuhan's number of cases peaked. 

On March 24, about 100 days following the outbreak, China said the epidemic was under control, and life could begin returning to normal.

We can be wary of anything China tells us (as you can, of me.) But for our simple-minded task of pondering the 2020 Yankees, let's assume America follows the Wuhan timeline. Thus, this outbreak would run about 100 days. (Even a wonder drug would take time to test and mass-distribute.)

On Jan. 21, the first U.S. case popped near Seattle. On March 1, a case turned up outside of NYC. Ever since, the numbers have exploded. Today, NY's "apex peak" in cases is probably 15-to-20 days away. From there, lesser outbreaks will roll across America. 

Bottom line, it will probably be about 100 days - from March 1 to late May - before America starts returning to normal. One hundred really awful, terrible, horrible, truly shitty, rotten, wicked-bad days.

Assuming we're still here (which I prefer to do), let's say baseball camps could open around mid-May. (No fans allowed in.) The goal could be to open on Memorial Day, or June 1. Some games might be played in empty stadiums. 

MLB would have lost about about 60 games. By canceling the All Star break, filling in off-days, playing seven-inning double-headers and adding an extra week in October, MLB could maybe play 100 games. (Question to the Peanut Gallery: Do any of you really want the World Series played in late November on neutral fields? I don't.) For the sake of pitchers' elbows alone, MLB might cut its losses and play a half-season, 80 games. Come September, we could enjoy a normal pennant race.

Coronavirus expert to replace Fauci?

Listen: I have no crystal ball. The shit storm to come might include hurricanes, earthquakes, civil unrest, invasions from Mars - and with limited sheets of toilet paper at our disposal. But if we can make it to Memorial Day, we might yet get to see Gerrit Cole achieve his lifelong dream. When the four walls start closing in, that's worth holding on for.

So... stay safe, be kind, wash your hands, and you heard it here first: 

There will be a baseball season. Think: July.

Virtual Game Three: Yanks Wide-Net, Bludgeon, Behead, Pluck, Devour Birds. Stanton Sits but Injures Coccyx.

The New York Yankees, off to a flying start in the world of virtual baseball this season, crushed the Orioles again in Camden Yards, by a score of 10-2.

Gleyber Torres once again excelled in his favorite ballpark, hitting for the cycle, adding another home run, knocking manager Brandon Hyde unconscious with a foul ball, and reducing the Orioles broadcast team to hysterical weeping.

Yankees starter J.A. Happ was reportedly incensed by the 14 actual Orioles fans in attendance, who at one point formed a chorus line atop the Baltimore dugout, and chanted:

"Happ, Happ,
He's got no sap!"

Happ responded with seven shutout innings, which delighted the 38,140 Yankees fans who had come down from New York to see the game.

Manager Aaron Boone decided to once again sit slugger Giancarlo Stanton, "just as a precautionary measure," but soon after Stanton emerged from the clubhouse and took his seat in the dugout, he began to complain of a sharp pain in his coccyx.  He was sent to a local hospital for tests.

For the third consecutive game, D.J. LeMahieu did everything right.

Plague Theater: "Hey guys, we got a new Yankee wife."

When Jeter hosted SNL. 

Plague Theater: Bogey on ball

Good looking dames, too. 

Apparently, Trump called A-Rod to talk about the coronavirus

The most definitive proof yet that our reality is, in fact, a computer simulation based on stories in The Onion: 

ABC News says President Trump this week reached out to the renowned epidemiologist, Dr. Alex Rodriguez, to discuss our nation's response to the coronavirus. Says today's Daily News...

The retired Yankees superstar, business mogul, and high school graduate was reportedly recruited by President Trump earlier this week for his thoughts on coronavirus, according to ABC News’ John Santucci and Katherine Faulders.

Okay, for those of you scoring at home... We've got thousands dead, a mad scramble for ventilators, millions out of work, a traumatized health system, a nation confined to homes... and Trump calls A-Rod to gobblegobblegobble about - what? - the National Defense Production Act? The legendary centaur painting supposedly hanging over A-Rod's bed? The run on everyday supplies that non-celebrities face? (Says a friend: America elected a President so full of shit that the nation nearly ran out of toilet paper.) I mean, could this get nuttier? Wait... why do I ask? We're talking about Trump here. Of course it could!

A-Rod’s fiancee, Jennifer Lopez, was also in on the call...

Yes, of course, yes! Imagine the inanity of that conversation. Did they give him their best, unbridled lick-spittle? Did they gush? Did they coo? O, sir, what an honor! O, how do you find the time? Actually, we do have suggestions - Jennifer has drawn up schematics for a new surgical mask, and I'm nearly finished on a vaccine... 

I've always believed that toads must worship frogs. 

This has to be up there with the moment that Elvis showed Nixon his FBI secret agent decoder ring. 

I must note that Trump called the report "fake news," his term for any news story that casts him in less than a Fox News/emissary-from-God, golden light. My guess is that Trump called to grub for money. He will recruit anybody - celebrity, dictator, or war criminal - that might help him get re-elected (and, yes, in that regard, he's no different than any other politician.)  

Trump’s call was part of his continued outreach across the country on handling the virus, which has broadened its scope to business leaders and apparently, retired baseball players... 

It will be interesting to see if A-Rod and J-Lo climb aboard the Trump Train. A-Rod seems the type who wants to be loved by everyone. His tryst with J-Lo was a destiny conceived in either heaven or hell... I've never figured out which. 

Sources close to Rodriguez described the call between the three-time MVP and 45th President to ABC as “pleasant.”

I hope somebody recorded the call. Historians will want it for the national archives. A ton of shit is about to fall from the skies. But who cares? We're just a simulation in The Onion and, really, we ought to learn to laugh: It's pretty damn hilarious.