Tuesday, March 31, 2020

Virtual Game 5: Yanks Fall to Unique Strategy. Stanton Found!

The ever-innovative Tampa Bay Rays unleashed a brand-new strategy against the New York Yankees, starting a lineup of nine pitchers, and bringing in a different hurler for every single pitch thrown.  Thanks to a solo home run by Tampa Bay DH Ji-Man Choi, the Rays handed star free-agent acquisition, Gerrit Cole his first loss as a Yankee, 1-0.

With a new pitcher trotting to the mound for every single pitch, the game lasted 11 hours and 35 minutes.  Cole was removed from the game after the sixth inning, when he fell asleep on the bench, and could not be awakened.

Yankees manager Ma Boone protested that the Rays' strategy violated baseball's new rule that relief pitchers must be used for at least three innings.  Tampa Bay skipper Kevin Cash argued that since all of the pitchers used were already in and stayed in the lineup and on the field, this did not constitute true substitutions.

When the umpires appealed to the MLB home office in New York, they were only able to get through to a spoken message that told them:  "If one of the team's involved in your dispute is from New York, the decision will go against them.  If both teams are from New York, the decision will go against the New York Yankees."

"It was crazy out there," fumed Yanks' first sacker, Luke Voit.  "You had no way to make adjustments.  Everybody was throwing at different speeds, and to different locations, and from different angles, with the lefty and the righty, and the fastball and the curveball and the forkball and the screwball and HEY LADY!"

The loss dropped the Yankees to 3-2 on the season.

In some good news, Yankees superstar Giancarlo Stanton was found alive and well, roaming the streets of Tampico, Mexico, while munching on a chorizo.  He still believed himself to be in Tampa, and had noticed no difference between the violence-devastated Mexican city, and the popular Florida tourist destination.

"Tampa, Tampico—I thought it was the same thing," shrugged Stanton, when he was discovered by the Yankees' private investigators.

He added:  "Look, the traveling secretary usually takes care of these things, and I never leave the hotel, anyway.  I must say, however, that I have been fascinated to learn about the ancient roots of this community dating back to the surprisingly advanced but still little-known Huastec people of the pre-Columbian era.  Maybe I'll come back here to work with one of the archaeological teams over the winter, instead of just going to Cabo again."


Anonymous said...


That was truly funny. Best one so far.

In other news...

AP - Noah Snydergaard Bobblehead Night Rained Out

A Mets cross promotion with Marvel Studios honoring Noah Snydergaard was rained out when a severe thunderstorm appeared over Citi Field and lasted for three hours. No other part of the city was effected. An anonymous source in the Met front office said it would not be rescheduled and that they would try something more low key.

AP - Jose Altuve Arrested During TV Taping

Cheating midget Jose Altuve was arrested this afternoon during a taping of Family Feud after punching host Steve Harvey. "I heard a buzzer so I swung.", the diminutive douche bag offered by way of explanation. He is expected to not miss any games because apparently he will never be punished for anything.

Doug K.

Platoni said...

Our star-studded lineup was YOLO-swinging for the fences again. Can you imagine when the face real pitching later in the season?

HoraceClarke66 said...

Thanks, Doug K. And I loved, "Cheating midget."

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