Thursday, March 26, 2020

Virtual Opening Day! Yanks Toast Birds, 12-1. Stanton Hurt.

Welcome to our Virtual Opening Day Recap.

Well, it was quite a Yankee debut for ace and proclaimed savior Gerrit Cole, who shut down the Orioles in Baltimore, as the Yanks thoroughly fricasseed the Birds, 12-1.

While Gleyber Torres hit his customary three home runs in Camden Yards, the big story was Cole, who in six innings of work struck out 10 and allowed only one hit, a broken-bat single by Orioles blowhard Chris Davis that Clint Frazier, filling in for an injured Aaron Judge, misplayed into an inside-the-park home run.

At the plate, Frazier lined three doubles off the wall, though afterwards Yankees GM Brian Cashman shook his head and asked reporters, "You really think that made up for it?  Really?  You are so dumb."

Other than that, Virtual Opening Day 2020 was a thoroughgoing romp for the pinstripers.  The one setback came after Manager Ma Boone announced that the little-seen Giancarlo Stanton would in fact lace up for today's game.

In so lacing up, however, Stanton lost control of a lace, and was struck in the cornea by a loose lace tip.  Boone announced that he would be held out of the lineup after all, as "a precautionary measure," but said that if it was a game that counted, he would be available to play.

Reminded that it WAS a game that counted, Boone looked perplexed for a moment, then replied, "You know what I mean."

Stanton is reported to be day-to-day.

In other highlights, first baseman Mike Ford drew three walks, hit two singles, and recorded eight putouts at first base, one of them while simultaneously eating a hot dog.  And D.J. LeMahieu did everything right.


Suzyn's Bitch said...

And for us crossword fanatics, the headline would read: "Yankee Slugger Felled In Aglet Mishap!"

Local Bargain Jerk said...

This was great, HC66. Like The Onion, you had me at the headline and the rest was great also.

SB beat me to "aglet".

el duque said...

Tough news about Stanton. Hope it's nothing serious.

Anonymous said...



HoraceClarke66 said...

Thanks, guys. And I'll be sure to work in "aglet" as I report from here in virtual world. Something tells me that this Stanton injury is going to be an ongoing problem.

Don't know what. Just something.

Anonymous said...

Well done sir.

Doug K.

Beauregard Jackson Pickett Burnside said...

Please keep this coming. Did you hear any interesting Astros chants? I wouldn’t have thought a Yankees crowd would need to wait for the Astros to actually make an appearance... especially during a Baltimore Blowout. Did John and Suzyn lament Showalter’s absence as much as I suspect?

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