Tuesday, March 17, 2020

Insider report from Tampa: Yesterday in alt-reality

Tampa _  Clint Frazier belted three home runs, and Gerrit Cole twirled four shutout innings, as the Yankees clobbered Boston 14-2 in Monday's Grapefruit League tune-up to next week's regular season opener.

Frazier, whose past arrogance generated the nickname "Red Thunder," has impressed reporters and coaches this spring with a nonstop, humble, bow-and-scrape persona, and is now known as "the Scarlet Cabana Boy." Aside from his three home runs, Frazier made three incredible defensive plays in right field, forestalling Redsock threats. He is hitting .444 this spring and leads the team in all offensive categories.

After the game, he was out-righted to Scranton. 

"He acts differently," manager Aaron Boone told reporters. "But still, when I see the guy, I still think of that time he grabbed the last Cheetos in the bowl, even though several players hadn't had any. We hope he gets the message."

In other spring news...

Getting healthy. Giancarlo Stanton occupied the team Jacuzzi for a record 132 minutes Monday, using full-blast jets and burning an estimated 240 calories. "One day at a time," Stanton told reporters, toweling off and heading for the massage. President Donald Trump told reporters he expected Stanton to return by July-August. 

Won't stop believin'. Observers have noticed that Miguel "Miggy" Andujar is not giving the Sign of the Cross gesture before stepping to the plate this spring. Andujar denied rumors that he's fed up with God and the church, saying he's simply saving his blessings for games that count. "If this were the regular season, I'd be out there praying," he said. 

Cold Hand Luke. Nobody has to tell earnest-but-Hulkian, human armored Humvee Luke Voit that he's having a crappy spring. It's been one setback after another for the linebackerish, Fred Flintstonian lug nut, who is wondering when it will end? Not only is Luke hitting a meager, nerdish .173, but Monday brought the news that his dog, Sadie, has ringworm. Get well, girl.

Siss-boom-bah. During Monday's brief rain delay, all-purpose bullpen pipe wrench Chad Green abruptly dazzled teammates in the clubhouse with an impromptu, semi-naked flag dance to the tune of Starship's "We Built This City on Rock'n Roll." The performance was so spirited that several players were said to pass out, while watching. "Chad continually takes it to a new level," manager Boone said. "But this... who knew?" 

Near miss. The Yanks dodged a bullet yesterday when lunch-pail iron man and de facto captain Brett Gardner was carted off the field, following an apparent bone-snapping slide into third base. The loud, resounding crack, which seemed to emanate from Gardy's femur, caused fans to break into tears. Entering the ambulance, the veteran centerfielder could be heard shrieking in pain. Good news, though, the Yankees say Gardy should miss only a day or two! 


JM said...

Re Gardy: tape it.

TheWinWarblist said...

A very wise man once said while being carted off, "Oh! My nipples explode with delight!"

Be safe everyone. And as drunk as possible.

Fuck you wet markets.

ranger_lp said...

Sources: Yankees have second minor leaguer test positive for coronavirus

The New York Yankees have informed their minor league players that another minor leaguer in the organization has tested positive for coronavirus, sources familiar with the message distributed to players told ESPN's Jeff Passan on Tuesday.

The Yankees have now had two minor league players test positive for coronavirus. The previous player had only spent time in the minor league portion of the Yankees' spring training facility.

The Yankees were among the teams whose major league players had resolved to stay in camp amid the coronavirus outbreak. On Tuesday, however, manager Aaron Boone left the team's complex in Tampa and said he was driving home to Greenwich, Connecticut.



HoraceClarke66 said...

I understand that Gardy poured some Robitussin on it, on the advice of Chris Rock.

Great, Duque!

TheWinWarblist said...

Reality check. I'm sorry.

Both our hospitals are filling up. Confirmed cases in both. Another death expected soon. More than 40 patients on the strictest of isolation. Please please please practice social distancing if you can.

Please stay inside and stay safe.

el duque said...

Hey Winnie...

YOU stay safe, okay? We've lost Severino. We can't lose you.

DickAllen said...

PBS is streaming Ken Burns’ four-part film “Baseball” for free on pbs.org and all PBS streaming services. It’s almost eight hours of sports-related content, folks.

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