The Bronx F-Bombers: Cashman cries "$%#@%"

Okay, shoot me. 

Go ahead, put me down. Make it fast. Because just when you thought it could not get worse... well... go ahead, fire away. 

Yesterday, the assembled brain trust of the Yankees - basically Hal Steinbrenner and Brian Cashman (the Yankee version of Doctor Dirty) - group-Zoomed with a Greek chorus of Gammonites to explain away 2023 and give hope for the future!

Basically, this is what they said:

1. The fans don't know shit. 

2. Why do you even fucking talk to them?

3. The critics are just assholes. 

4. We'd have made the playoffs if not for goddamm injuries.

5. We won more than we lost. Can't you shitheads be happy?

6. The Yankees are NOT too analytics-driven. Fuck that! And to prove it, we've hired an analytics firm to analyze the analytics. 

7. Did we mention that fans don't know nothing?

8. Running the Yankees is not easy. There's a lot of things to do.

9. Anyone can criticize. It takes guts to say something positive.

10. We haven't practiced the bunt enough.

Yep. Number 10 is my personal fave. That's what Hal offered up when the writers pressed him for examples of changes that must me made. He blamed the farm system for not practicing bunts, and he attributed it to Aaron Boone, rather than issue such a harsh verdict from his mountaintop.  

And, yeah, we saw banjo hitters swinging with Ruthian launch angles, driving balls to the warning track, while third basemen were practically in left field. The joke on the '23 Yankees was that, if they scored 10 runs, you wondered who hit the 10 solo shots? Anthony Volpe batted .209, but he hit 21 HRs. Was it worth it?

So, more bunts in '24. John Sterling will like that. The Bronx Bunters...

Now and then, you stare straight into the jaws of Hell, and see what's in store for all of us. That happened yesterday. We're one year into a long drought.

Shoot me. 

"I think we're pretty f---ing good, personally, and I'm proud of our people"

 

Said Brian Cashman in today's press conference.

Scene from the Cashman dinner table...

Brian Cashman: I told them we were pretty fucking good. 

Lyin Cashman: Fuck. You're right Brian. The Yankees are pretty fucking good.

Cryin Casman: They fucking suck. Now pass the motherfucking peas.

Our Problems Are Solved: The Unuly Mop Squad Is on It

The New York Yankees held a press conference to let the world know that Hal Steinbrenner met with and questioned players over whether Aaron Boone should return as Yankees manager.

In the best imitation of his father anyone has heard to date, Hal was quoted as saying "We had a winning season ... That's not an accomplishment, that's a requirement!"

During the press conference, Steinbrenner intimated that he had taken "40 pages of notes" following the team's end-of-season meetings, which he said at times were "heated".  Mr. Steinbrenner's interview was interrupted several times with Mr. Steinbrenner's admonishing Randy Levine to "Stop eating the crayons!  I need to fill up more notebook pages!"

Steinbrenner was also quoted as saying the team is relying "heavily" on Omar Minaya and Brian Sabean, the former general managers who were hired last offseason.  Messrs. Minaya and Sabean declined to comment although they did roll their eyes a few times, particularly when Mr. Steinbrenner announced that New York hired Zelus Analytics for a yearlong review of its practices.

In a surprising statement that actually simulated a basic understanding of the game, Steinbrenner shared Manager Boone's belief that the Yankees aren't teaching their hitters enough bunting skills as they come through the system.  As Steinbrenner relayed it, "Boone feels bunting will become more prevalent in the game again, and the Yanks are going to heed his advice and attempt to teach it better."

During the resulting confusion among the press, Mr. Minaya was seen furtively removing a Burnt Siena crayon from Hal's large 64-color box and writing "We should have signed Seager! We should have gotten Freddie Freeman! We ABSOLUTELY should have kept Ursela and Montgomery!  And we should have traded Stanton when he made the 2022 All-Star squad!" and then passing the note to Mr. Sabean.

Sabean, opting for a newly sharpened Fuschia, replied "And, yet, none of us are having 'heated' discussions about Cashman.  Kill me now."

Minaya added, "George Steinbrenner wouldn't have 'asked around' to see the obvious. His first move would have been to fire Hal. Sabean grabbed a Hot Magenta crayon from the box and scrawled "Amen!" on a coaster.

Levine ended the press conference by spitting out a crayon while yelling, "Wait! We were on a Zoom call? People could see us?"

Who said this team is down and out? The Yankees have a one-in-200 chance of winning the MLB draft lottery

Mark your calendars, juju enthusiasts. On Dec. 5, the Starr Insurance Yankees - electrified by the Zelus Analytics brand !- will be seeking a 1-in-200 Hail Mary miracle, as the lords of MLB conduct their 2024 draft pick lottery.

At stake are the No. 1 -6 picks in next June's 2024 draft. Because the crafty Yanks managed to miss this year's postseason, the franchise is eligible to throw the dice in the upcoming lottery.

Way to tank, Yanks!

So, how lucky do you feel? Have you laundered your best juju shirt? Are your sacred icons arranged properly on the mantle? Is your TV functioning to transmit juju through the Rizzutonic porthole? If not, get your ass in gear, dammit.  

The top six picks will be determined through the lottery. Here are the Yankee odds. (Rounded.) 

• No. 1: 0.5%
• No. 2: 0.5%
• No. 3: 0.6%
• No. 4: 0.7%
• No. 5: 0.9%
• No. 6: 1.1%

Pretty exciting, right? I bet you thought there was NO CHANCE that the Yankees could qualify for a high pick - (as the Tankathon shows, they're slated to draft 16th.) But now and then, the universe burps. Last December, the Twins moved up from No. 13 to No. 5, so who knows? The Yankees need your magical thinking. 

(Note: Under the rules, teams that spend over the luxury tax limit lose 10 slots in the draft. But that does not effect the top 6 lottery. So if the Yankees get lucky and win a top pick, their second rounder would get knocked back by 10.) 

(Also, if you're wondering why Washington has no pick, I believe it's because they have received revenue sharing for at least 2 straight years. Such teams are not eligible for the lottery.)

So, what is our 1-in-200 chance?

Well, it's fuckinay slim, okay? Let's not sugarcoat it. It's not the same as you dating Taylor Swift - that's one in a billion - but it's maybe on par with you dating her dental hygienist. Ever hear of the so-called "Storm of the Century?" These days, they seem to occur every year. Well, that's because you are a clod. In fact, quantifying storms over 200 years is pretty difficult. 

In their 34-page paper titled "What is one in 200?," submitted to the GIRO 2009 Insurance conference - (I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP) - a nine-member committee headed by Cameron Heath noted:

In only the past 200 years major events have included the invention of the car and the aeroplane, manned space flight, the downfall of empires, the abolition of slavery, the discovery of penicillin, nuclear reactors and sliced bread…to name but a few. (I'M NOT MAKING THIS UP.) For example, could you have imagined the 9/11 World Trade Center (WTC) attacks, as you stood there watching Napoleon strip the Teutonic Knights of their last holdings in Bad Mergentheim, in 1809?

Frankly, with the right assortment of mushrooms in the field, I could have imagined it, but I  doubt those Teutonic Knights had their shit together. So, let's figure that the Yankees have about as much chance at the lottery as the 1809 Bad Mergentheium ballteam had of winning the European world cup.

But but BUT... it's NOT zero chance. Am I right? The Yankees have a fingernail's chance of not falling into the chasm. Start lighting those candles. It's time for the juju gods to make things right again.  

Breaking News! Official IIHIIFII...c Audit Results!

 

This morning the first part of the Official IIHIIFII…c audit of the New York Yankees was inflicted upon the general public. The audit will be released in three sections over the next three days, divided into: Findings, Recommendations, and Expectations.

The long-feared IIHIIFII…c audit is reported to be excoriating. One anonymous Yankees source dismissed it as “What now?” while others insist that it is just the drunken ramblings of a bunch of old baseball cranks on a bizarre website, who have too much time (and bourbon) on their hands.

But the IIHIIFII…c audit crew points out, in its defense, that it has ventured no expense in assembling a fine array of consulting stock footage to accompany its audit that includes actual images of hands manipulating common office equipment, and montages that include tried and true consulting words, such as “consultant,” “support,” “solutions,” and “expertise.”

Here, then, is Part I of the Audit:

Findings:

    The New York Yankees are an aging, overpaid ballclub in serious decline. If steps are not taken to address this condition immediately, the city is likely to see a SeisMetsic Shift in fan loyalties. 

     Such shifts have happened only twice before in the New York history (1964-1975, 1984-1992), and each time they presaged periods of extreme civic disorder and general derangement, as chaos and evil ran unchecked.

    But the facts are the facts:

—The Yankees have not won a World Series since 2009, a span of 14 seasons, which is tied for the third longest championship drought in the team’s history.

— The Yankees have not been in a World Series since 2009, a span of 14 seasons, which is the second longest such drought in the team’s history.

—While the Yankees have enjoyed 31 consecutive winning seasons, the team maintained this streak by the margin of a single game in 2023.

—The Yankees dropped out of the 2023 pennant race in July, the team’s earliest departure from the chase since 1992.

—The Yankees have serious holes in their lineup at first base, third base, centerfield, left field, designated hitter, and perhaps at catcher.

—The Yankees have serious gaps in their starting rotation.

—The Yankees have serious gaps in their relief pitching.

—The Yankees’ younger players almost all flopped in 2023, with prized rookies Oswaldo Cabrera and Oswald Peraza taking giant steps back from their promising beginnings in 2022. While shortstop Anthony Volpe won a Gold Glove, and showed speed on the basepaths and power at the plate, his .209 batting average was alarming, and may be the best he is capable of hitting.

—The Yankees’ rookie call-ups almost all flopped in late 2023, with the exception of catcher Austin Wells. Centerfielder Jasson “The Martian” Dominguez, while displayed considerable potential, suffered a major injury that may prevent him from ever being a major-league starter.

—There are no major pitching prospects remaining in the Yankees’ farm system.

—There are no major hitting prospects remaining in the Yankees’ farm system, with the possible exception of first-round draft pick Spencer Jones.

—Yankees’ manager Aaron Boone is, to use the term of art, a well-meaning buffoon. Boone is an uninspiring dugout manager, whose team quit on him this past season. Boone is a poor field manager, a front office automaton skilled only in the Yankees’ version of analytics, and unwilling to break from his programmers.

—Yankees’ general manager Brian Cashman, about to start his 27^th season in that position, has made so many poor trades and so many bad decisions on whether to sign free agents, that he has become extremely reluctant to do either, all but paralyzed by a lack of confidence in his own abilities. 

Too often, players who fail are simply sold or even given away, instead of being traded for anything of value.

—The Yankees’ scouting staff is unable to identify and sign the best prospects available.

—The Yankees’ coaching staff, system-wide, is unable to improve any players, and in fact makes most of the players they tutor, worse.

—The Yankees’ training staff has proven unable to prevent players of all ages and at all levels from suffering sustained, record levels of injuries, many of which are debilitating or even career-ending. 

Nobody gets any better, everyone gets hurt, could be the motto of the Yankees today.

—Players traded away from the Yankees often perform much better with new teams.

—Yankees fans feel increasingly alienated by the high price of food, drink, and souvenirs at Yankee Stadium.

—Yankees fans feel increasingly alienated by the high price—and the low number—of seats available at Yankee Stadium.

—Yankees fans feel increasingly alienated by how much of Yankee Stadium seems to be dedicated to exclusive, high-end bars and restaurants, with most fans prevented by literal walls from even passing through the more elite sections of the ballpark.

—Yankees fans feel repulsed by the Yankees selling the beloved pinstripes for ad space.

—Yankees fans feel bewildered by the Yankees’ tendency to constantly move their television broadcasts to different networks or streaming services.

—As a fish rots from the head down, the Yankees’ fortunes are hobbled by the inattention of owner Hal Steinbrenner, his willingness to constantly throw good money after bad, his reluctance to fire nonperforming staff at any level, and his submissiveness to the dictates of his fellow owners. 

None of this is in the tradition of the New York Yankees, a team that is in imminent danger of devolving to such other local also-rans as the Knicks, Nets, Mets, Jets, Devils, and Islanders.

The SeisMetsic Shift could soon be upon us.

Anthony Volpe wins the Gold Glove? Or is it the Golden Globe?

MLB gave out its Gold Glove awards yesterday, and citizens of the Yankiverse don't know whether to hoist a champagne toast or go hide with a flask of Mad Dog 20-20.

Anthony Volpe won the GG at shortstop, the marquee defensive position on every ballfield. Congrats. Hooray. Yabadabadoo. 

But, yeesh, I dunno about this. Some thoughts...

1. It's weird, a guy with 17 errors, ranked 9th among qualifiers, winning the GG. Nope, check that: It's flat-out bizarre. Volpe has nearly three times the errors of Carlos Correa, who also has a better fielding percentage. Basically, the Powers That Be are saying Volpe is a great fielder... if you ignore the errors. WTF?

2. In the early season, some folks questioned Volpe's arm, suggesting he will eventually move to 2B. Some were saying he's not even be the best defensive SS on the Yankees. (That could be Oswald Peraza.) Over the season, Volpe definitely improved. But - seriously - Gold Glove?

3. I recall Baltimore management extolling the virtues of SS Jorge Mateo - even comparing him to Mark Belanger and Cal Ripken. When I heard that, I just assumed they were doing what many teams do: hyping a young guy who wasn't hitting. (He hit .217.) Now, I wonder if that's what happened with Volpe. Because offensively, Volpe's rookie season was a disaster. (He hit .209.) 

4. The Clint Frazier conundrum. A few years back, during the Covid meltdown, Red Thunder somehow was named as a finalist for the Gold Glove in left field - despite the fact that every fly ball hit his way was a Stephen King horror novel. Yank fans knew this. Frazier knew this. He was often replaced in the late innings, to buttress the defense. How could the GG awards committee not know this? The answer? Well... 

5. The answer may lay in numbers - provided by the Society for American Baseball Research. (I shit you not; this is a real thing.) Every year, the Society puts out defensive stats, which are supposed to make up 25 percent of the decision-making input on the GG awards. (Most of it is supposed to come from the voting of managers and coaches.) 

One major calculation is the DWAR - Defensive Wins Above Replacement. And perhaps, therein lies the explanation.

There are two ultimate secrets in this world: The formula for Coke, and how WAR is calculated. I look at DWAR and shake my head. It's just a number. But Volpe had the highest DWAR among AL qualifiers. Do the managers and coaches agree? Is DWAR the almighty new way of rating fielders? 

Dunno. But it used to be that the great fielding shortstops were artistic, almost majestic, in how they made plays. Think of Ozzie Smith. Davey Concepcion. Barry Larkin. Our own Number 2. 

I just didn't see Volpe that way. Congrats are in order. But even a Gold Glove can clank. 

You may see it differently, but imagine how Hal Steinbrenner might view the Yankees this winter

Sunday Extra Hour of Sleep Parlor Game: 

For one minute, one stinking 60 seconds, put yourself in Hal Steinbrenner's Dr. Dentons. Don his thinking cap and imagine what's going on. Okay, I think we're connecting...  

Mmm, wine good, GOOD, haha, must scratch belly, mmm...

Yes, we're interfacing with the Hal Unit No. 1. Here goes... 

Do not believe what they're saying. Ugly fans. No fun. Yankees missed playoffs by only seven games. That's less than 10, haha. 

No panic. Carlos Rodon will return. That's four extra wins!  Aaron Judge will stay healthy. That's five more. Anthony Volpe will improve. Andrew Rizzo, too. Nestor Cortez and DJ, they'll be back. That's 15, 20 extra wins. Make playoffs. From there, who knows, haha. Scratch belly. Mmm. 

All talk about money - MY MONEY!- it's awful fans. Constantly carping. Bad breath. Poor hygiene. Can't appease them. Give a nickel, and they want the lake house. No more coddling! No more spending! It doesn't grow on trees, people!

And that's how the '23 Yankees could become the '24 team.  

Hal can let the analytics wonks assure him that all is not so bad. He won 82 games without a CF, a LF, a 3B and any depth of pitching. He nearly made the playoffs with an all RH lineup and sluggers past their sell-by dates. Just trade Gleyber Torres for somebody, anybody, and wait for The Martian. That's all.    

Just sit back, hold on, do nothing. Beat the luxury tax threshold. He can still win 82, and compete for a spot in the 12-team playoffs.

Whatever Hal does - or doesn't do -  the Yankees can stay in the expanded playoff race until Sept. 1. From there, they'll bring up the prospects they've hyped all summer. They can sell hope. There are always believers. They can do nothing and still make money. 

What if Hal knows this?  

The fate of the Yankees lies within something called Zelus Analytics

Behold The Z-Team: 

Leading off, there's Dashing Doug Fearing, followed by Crazy Hair Luke Bornn (old "Double N"), the mysterious Inderpal Singh at DH, and Dangerous Dan Cervone - the Four Horsemen of the Yankee Apocalypse - the top four at Zelus Analytics, the team of wonks, crunchers and algorithms that has been hired to figure out what the hell is wrong with the Yankees.

Let's hope they find a Fibonacci sequence - (a Rizzutonacci sequence?) - that will restore the Yankees to, well, whatever the hell they were... long, long ago in a galaxy far, far away. 

(In case you're wondering, in Greek mythology, Zelos was the daimon that personifies dedication, emulation envy and jealousy. In a nice symmetry,  considering the Yankee fan base, the English word "zealot" stems from this name.)

In my years of following the Death Barge - an obsession that extends back to the glory days of M&M - I cannot recall a Yankee owner punting on his gut and hiring an outside analytics firm to analyze the interior analytics department. Crunching the crunchers. Part of me wants to believe it's a good thing. But I dunno...

Maybe Prince Hal realizes something horrible has gone astray, that the Yankees somehow last summer became a toxic environment, and he's willing to try something - anything - to change things. Zelus will generate a garage full of data, and maybe somewhere within those numbers, the pencil-pushers can explain how somebody thought it was a good idea to get Joey Gallo from the Rangers in 2021, launching the Texas trajectory toward a championship. Maybe they'll solve the mysteries of Josh Donaldson, Aaron Hicks, Luis Severino, Estavan Florial, et al. 

Or maybe they'll turn an already soul-less franchise over to Artificial Intelligence. 

Or maybe they'll just give Hal new ideas on how to make money. 

And therein lies the concern.

With or without a world championship, Hal will do just fine. The Yankees control the most lucrative market in American sports, and it will take years of domination by the Mets before they lose that toehold. 

Of course, if they ever do lose it, it will take decades to get it back.

Let's wish Zelus well. For posterity, here's their elevator pitch, direct from the website: 

Professional sports teams are currently engaged in a billion-dollar arms race to squeeze wins out of data. While early innovations in sports analytics largely relied on simple techniques, many teams are struggling to handle emergent challenges with the complex data sources now dominating the space. At Zelus Analytics, our mission is to address these challenges by building the world’s leading sports intelligence platform. In so doing, we intend to help the professional teams in our exclusive partner network compete and win championships.

So it goes.

I'm Glad That's Over

 I always tend to drink a lot of beer during the post season.

This year, I watched the Rangers not lose a single game on the road, establishing a new record in doing so. 

I watched the yankees doing commercials for Geico.

I got to see wonderful baseball. Defense galore.  Players who could hit. Players who could pitch.

On the Yankee side, we saw the most exciting pitcher of our year ( Perfect game and all ) check into an AA clinic , and get dumped by the disapproving Yankee executives.

We saw Dusty Baker retire as the World Series drew to an end.

We saw the Yankees manager and GM complimented for their work. 

I can't drink to that. 

In 2024, Yanks to celebrate gala 15th Crystal Anniversary of their last, farewell appearance in a world series

Q: What do the following teams have in common?

Texas Rangers. Arizona Diamondbacks. Houston Astros. Philadelphia Phillies. Atlanta Braves. Tampa Bay Rays. Los Angeles Dodgers. Washington Nationals. Boston Redsocks. Cleveland Indians. Chicago Cubs. Kansas City Royals. New York Mets. San Francisco Giants. St. Louis Cardinals. Detroit Tigers.

A: They each played in a world series since 2009, the Yankees' most recent, gala, grand farewell appearance.

Q: How many world series games have been played since the Yankees' most recent, gala, grand farewell appearance?

A: 86

Q: What teams have won the most world series games since 2009, the Yankees' most recent, gala, grand farewell appearance?

Astros 13
Giants 12
Rangers 8
Dodgers 8
Redsocks 8
Royals 7
Cardinals 6
Braves 4
Nationals 4
Cubs 4
Indians 3
Phillies 2
Rays 2
Diamondbacks 1

Q: How much money have the Yankees spent on payroll since 2009, their most recent, gala, grand farewell appearance in the world series?

A: $3.035 billion, according to Cots Baseball Contracts.

Q: How much money have the Astros spent on payroll since 2009, the Yankees' most recent, gala, grand farewell appearance in the world series?

A: $1,968 billion, or slightly less than 2/3rds of what the Yankees spent, according to Cots Baseball Contracts.

Q: When was the last time the Yankees went 15 years without appearing in the world series?

A: Never. Though, technically, that's debatable, if you include years they were known as the New York Highlanders. The 1920 Yankees/Highlanders went 18 seasons without an appearance. (The 1982-94 Yankees went 14, and the 1965-75 team went 11.) 

Get excited, everyone! The Crystal Yankees in 2024 could make history!

Congratulations...

 

...to World Series MVP and Cashman reject, Corey Seagar! 

Hey, I kid, I kid.

How could Brian Cashman possibly have known this guy could do something like this?

Oh, right...

BECAUSE HE DID IT BEFORE!

Only two-time winner of the award besides...Mr. October, Reggie Jackson, from back when the Yankees could still sign useful free agents.

Should fans validate Fox's fraudulent 2023 world series results? I vote, no!

Sheeple of America: 

I hereby REFUSE to accept the bogus, dishonest, counterfeit and deceitful "2023 World Series" results, which would - RIDICULOUSLY - have you believe the lowly Texas Rangers beat the pathetic Arizona Diamondbacks in a recent set of orchestrated, scripted TV "sports" shows. NO WAY!

The Rangers... champions? What fools do they think us be? And who is their so-called MVP? Deranged Corey Seager? Travis Jankowski? Tony Fauci? George Soros? Hillary? DON'T LET THEM GET AWAY WITH THIS!

First off, before we do anything, questions must be answered.

1. Why didn't Fox use its A-team: Sean Hannity, Gilbert Gottfried! and - in my humble opinion - the great Lou Dobbs?  If Laura or The Five were on hand, as judicial observers, these "games" might have worn a tiny cloak of credibility. Instead, we didn't even get "Meatball Joe" Buck and Troy Aikman, or the sideline ladies! 

2. Why did this "series" have no cities? Think about it. NO CITIES? It pitted two states against each other. No city should have to play an entire state, unless it's Rhode Island, WHICH DOESN'T HAVE A TEAM! Really fishy. And not fair. Do they think we have no eyes?

3. How did Texas somehow acquire Jordan Montgomery, Nathan Eovaldi and Aroldis Chapman - for next to nothing? According to MLB, the trio netted the Yankees only Harrison Bader-Ginsberg. Are we supposed to think the Yankees had all three, and all they got in exchange was one injury-prone CF who - and people are saying this - wears LIFTS in his boots? THAT MAKES NO SENSE, UNLESS THEY WERE STOLLEN! Where are the servers? Subpoena the servers! And while we're on it, what the hell ARE servers?

4. Can anyone really claim that Texas - with a middle order of Evan Carter, Mitch Garver, Josh Jung and Nathaniel Lowe - is baseball's best? Sorry, folks, but those no-names can't hold a lick to the likes of Stanton!, Rizzo!, Torres! and LeMahieu! People are saying it's a hoax.  

5. The entire event was a just attempt to weaponize the World Series against the Yankees. Okay, that's not a question, but dammit, I'm asking it anyway! Because it's true! 

6. They're pulling a fast one. They claim free agency begins today, with the Yankee Freedom Caucus of Isiah Kiner-Falefa, Keyman Middleton, Zach McAllister, Frankie Montas, Wandy Peralta, Luis Severino and Luke Weaver. I'm not falling for it. They're all Yankees, and they don't get to grow their freedom beards. Not yet, anyway.

We must not validate the 2023 world series results - not until February, at least, when fans can storm the fields and get answers. Be there. Will be wild!

If the 2023 season ends tonight in Arizona, one song must be played

Hopefully, the Diamondbacks will lose tonight and proceed straight to Runner-Up Heaven. The world will miss their young star, the great Caroll Corbin, Coral Caybin, Cabin Codene, um, whatever, along with that Merrill guy who went to Korea to find his true, inner-Scaramuccci.  

Ah, yes... Arizona! I hoped for some 140-degree nights and maybe the Yellowstone superquake, a Kari Lake of fire. But, here's to the D-backs commemorating their great almost-almost by reliving their greatest moment heretofore:

The 2001 world series postgame celebration. 

Back then, as the nation still burned from the aftermath of 9/11, moments after the Yankees lost on a humpback liner, the gracious home team Diamondbacks celebrated by playing one particular song. I'll never forget it. Neither should you. And hopefully, neither will the juju gods.

So, if they lose tonight, let's hope they play the song. Go ahead, play it, play it again, Sam. 

No, not that song. They'll need a song that starts spreading the news. 

After all, the Rangers would be leaving, today. 

They'll want to wake up in a city that never sleeps...

As king of the hill, top of the heap.

If they can make it with Aroldis Chapman, they can make it anywhere.

Yes, that song. Go ahead, Zona, play it, play it again.

MLB All-Scaredy-Cat Haunted-House Team

Inspired by all you It Is Highers, I went out and recruited a shortstop to finish this team.

MLB All-Scaredy-Cat Haunted-House Team

1B   Boo Powell
2B   Spook Jacobs
SS   Pee Wee Shriek
3B   Joe Panik

LF   Chilli Davis
CF   Startle Marte
RF   Enos Slaughter

C    Dan Howley

LHP   Mac Scarce, Frights Peterson
RHP   Kendall Graveman, Urban Shocker

MGR   Dave Trembley

This one's for Bitty and Win

Years ago, I collected some early-1900s newspaper pages with full-page Sunday Little Nemo comic strips. They've been in a closet forever, but lately I'm thinking of getting some or all of them linen-backed, so I had to measure one to get an estimate.

When I pulled one out, I discovered it was in the same folder as this 1919 comic almost-full page and I just had to share. Especially with the loons who've adopted Krazy and Ignatz as their avatars ("loons" is a good thing, btw). I especially enjoy the headline at the bottom about an empty brain pan. I can relate.

RIP

Scooter called him "big Frank Howard." He was great.

 

From Baseball's Substack: The All-Time MLB All-Halloween Team

 World famous writer James Finn Garner - our own Alibi Ike - runs Baseball's Substack, a site devoted to new baseball poetry. I encourage everyone to read and support it. Here's a timely spattering...

MLB All-Halloween Team

1B   Candy LaChance
2B   Pumpkinsie Green
SS   Sandy Malomar
3B   Chris Spooker
LF   Mummy Ramirez
CF   Trik Speaker
RF   Vlampire Guerrero
C     Earl Battey
LHP   Randy Wolfman, Baby Ruth
RHP   Trevor BOOOOer, Black Catfish Hunter, Ricky Bones
MGR   Treat Speaker

Okay, we can't let this parlor game go without adding a few...

Owner: George Frankensteinbrenner
MGR: Billy Martian
MGR: Aaron BOO! 
P: Gerrit Ghoul 
P: Carlos Rodan
P: Frighty Ford 
OF: Goblin Yount
CF: Bobby Murder
OF: Johnny Demon 
OF: Tommy Phampire 
OF: Spooky Betts
RP: Bob Fiend 
C: Yeti Berra 
C: Thurman Manson

All right, who's got more? 

Why We Hate the Snakes.

 

As the World Series moves back to Phoenix for the first time since that fateful, awful night in 2001, we must revisit the reasons why every Yankees fan wants to see even a team from Texas mash the snakeheads into the dust.

Sure, the juju gods were out in force that night, setting up about as awful a loss as they could imagine (at least until they outdid themselves three years later). 

Their handiwork can be seen in so many freakish things that went wrong:

—The little desert storm that blew in and knocked down what everybody on the field thought FOR SURE was Shane Spencer's three-run homer in the 7th inning, a ball that would have put a nail in the D-backs. Apparently such thunderstorms are unknown in Arizona in October...but this was November 4th, thanks to the hiatus necessitated by the 9/11 attack.

—Said storm also left the field wet for the 9th inning. That's apparently what went wrong when the Great Rivera, usually an outstanding fielder, picked up Damian Miller's bunt and threw wild to second. Miller had rolled the bunt straight up the vestigial dirt path from the plate to home that had been installed as a little perk in the Arizona ballpark by...old friend, Buck Showalter (The juju gods grind slow, but they grind fine.).

Instead of getting a dry ball that Rivera could have turned into an instant DP, leaving the Snakes with two out and none on, he pick up a sphere encased in dribbly goo, and threw wild to Jeter. This left two on, none out—and disaster at the door...  

—Disaster in the form of Tony Womack, a singular flop with us, hitting a broken-back double two batters later.

The game was full of other, unforced errors by the Yankees themselves, of course:

—Paul O'Neill in the first inning, running on the emotion of his last game ever, and getting cut down trying to stretch a double into a triple.

—Scott Brosius, in the 9th, hanging onto the ball after getting the first out of the inning at third, instead of going for a sure-fire DP by throwing back to get Jay Bell at first.

—Joe Torre once again pushing Rivera to his limits and beyond at the end of a season, having him throw two innings when Ramiro Mendoza—who had allowed 1 baserunner of the 9 Diamondbacks he'd faced that Series—was fresh and ready to go for the 8th. (Which, again, he might have, if the Yanks had had a 5-1 or 6-1 lead...)

But then there are the Snakes themselves, starting with Luis Gonzalez, the man who had the game-winning "hit" in Game 7. Gonzalez was, obviously, a classic juicer. For the first 8 years of his career, he was a .266 hitter who never managed more than 15 homers in a season. 

Suddenly, in Arizona, he became something else again. At 31, all of a sudden, Luis Luis Luis became a power AND high-average hitter, a transformation that just doesn't occur at the age without the use of, shall we say, medicinal supplements. In 2001, he had 57 homers, 100 extra-base hits, 142 ribbies, a .325 BA, and a 1.117 OPS. 

Well, it's hard for the Yanks to complain too much about THAT, considering that by 2001 we had the pied piper of steroids on our team—and pitching a terrific Game 7. But still, it's hateable—particularly since, thanks to the usual hypocrisy, no one is ever allowed to mention Gonzalez's obvious cheating.

But the real reason to hate the Diamondbacks comes down to this guy, their founder and owner, Jerry Colangelo.

Sure, Colangelo had a hard-on for hating Mad Old George Steinbrenner. Perfectly understandable. Hey, who didn't most of the time, including many of us? 

But what he did—and what Bud "Handmaid to the Wealthy" Selig did—to make his Yankees-beating dreams come true, made Jose Altuve look like an altar boy.

Colangelo rushed Arizona—which had only entered the NL in 1998—to the top of the charts by signing Randy Johnson to a massive contract, and doing the same with Curt Schilling, after acquiring the latter from the Phillies for four non-entities. 

Exactly how was this operator from a relatively small market able to outbid everybody else in baseball for two of its best pitchers at the time? The answer, it was soon revealed, was that he had borrowed at least $20 million from MLB, and maybe more. (https://www.espn.com/mlb/news/2000/0815/685667.html) 

Just how did this figure? Why was Arizona favored over all other teams in the majors? And why didn't the owners of the other clubs raise bloody hell about this? What, the Mets couldn't have used Schilling and Johnson? The Phils suddenly didn't need a top starter? Seattle, which had been forced to give up The Big Unit for lack of cash?

Nope, no one said a word. It was all in the name of parity and expansion and what have you—just some more of MLB's sleazy, underhanded dealings—and as a result, the D'backs had their night in the desert...which they celebrated by immediately playing a mocking rendition of Sinatra's "New York, New York" over the loudspeakers.

You stay classy, Arizona. And drop dead.

After yesterday's Giants/Jets debacle, it's time to recognize The Curse of the Apple

For better or worse - (and lately, that means worse) - this is a Yankee blog, and I try to keep it laser-focused upon the cause at hand: The eternally dammed future of this wandering, soulless Death Barge.

Hence, I generally don't ruminate about the rise and fall of humanity - Elon Musk, Taylor Swift, the Kardashians, Putin, Hunter Biden, Mean Marge Greene, the Golden Bachelor, or that pear-shaped lady who sings about "the little pill with the great big story to tell." Instead, I ask who will next year be the 5th starter at Scranton. (Mitch Spence?) Trust me: It's a barren and lifeless task. 

Today, however, I must step outside my comfort zone. I must acknowledge - and bow down to - the utter degradation of the human spirit that comes with following all New York sports. 

To root for any NY sports teams is to be eternally lashed to a rock, while an eagle (Jalen Hurts?) relentlessly pecks at your liver and forces you to watch the end of civilization, because the channel-changer needs batteries. 

Yesterday, as a Giants fan, I suffered one  of the most excruciating losses of my rooting life. I mean, this one goes up there with Mazeroski, Altuve, Griffey Jr., the humpback liner, the 2004 Redsocks - some of the worst moments of watching I have endured. And it was New York, New York -the city's pro football teams, pecking at each other's liver, devouring themselves, bit by bit, alive and aware.  

Technically, the Giants lost to the Jets. I won't belabor the details. If you don't follow football, you're better staying that way. Basically, a million microscopic cuts - from coaches, players and juju gods -killed the Giants, who lost the lead in the last second of regulation, and then the game in overtime. 

But Jet fans should not celebrate too lustily. They won a four-hour, pitched battle of two tomato cans, decided because one team couldn't kick a routine field goal, and the other secured a pass interference penalty. The difference between the Jets and Giants: The  Jets aren't going anywhere this year, the Giants aren't going anywhere this decade. 

But I wonder: Will the the Knicks, Nets, Rangers, Islanders, Devils, Mets or Yankees  ever rise again? Or is it something in the water? We just watched our best chance, the NY Liberty - the power of the WNBA - fall because the greatest player of her generation, Brianna Stewart, shot 3-for-17 in the finale. The Liberty was supposed to be our failsafe. Et tu, Stewie? 

The Curse of The Apple.

I'm sorta amazed that this hasn't gotten more attention. It is bigger than the Bambino, the Billy Goat, the Sports Illustrated cover, and the Madden Football game. It's so insidious that it covers not just a franchise, but an entire city... in multiple sports. That's one big-ass curse.

Lemme put it this way: This Curse is so intense that even when two NY teams play, they both manage to lose. 

So, the question today? Who will be that fucking 5th starter at Scranton? I suppose it will be Mitch Spence, or somebody like him, though maybe Gil Drew Thorpe will emerge. Yeah, Gil Thorpe! That's a cool name. Maybe he'll rise! Can a Thorpe break The Curse of The Apple? Can he save a city? Dear God, who shall lead us from this  darkness?

WTF????

Not sure why, but this rattled me.

A few weeks ago, Jeet refused to wear Big Papi's cowboy hat. He said New Yorkers didn't do such things. Then, later, he posed with it, saying he'd been joking. Now... this?

Are we watching the Texasification of Derek Jeter? Like the British museums that house stolen Middle Eastern artifacts, are they buying icons of NYC and moving them to Dallas? What's next? Will the Vince Lombardi Rest Stop turn up in Dealey Plaza? 

And furthermore... 

1. What's really weird is the idea of Jeter interviewing somebody else. Throughout his career, he was the definition of a cool, illusive, bland, no-controversy interview.  Now, he's gotta yuck it up, like a Red Carpet greeter? The juju gods must be laughing.

2. What's this? A World Series where the teams bunt, steal bases and play defense? It's an outrage! A disgrace! What happened to Launch Angles and Exit Velos? Can't they hit a few more solo HRs? 

3. After last night's loss, the Gammonites should have a field day, praising Brian Cashman for trading that bum, Jordan Montgomery. Way to go, chief!

4. All this blather about a Juan Soto trade is nearing Peak Foliage Stupidity. Every day, we are transported back to 2020, creating packages that include Miguel Andujar and Clint Frazier. Hey, we should get a lot for Luke Voit!

5. George Bush? What a geezer. Bounced the throw. Now, here's something really scary for Halloween: Fifteen years out of his presidency, W is still younger than the two likely candidates in 2024. We are sooooo fucked.