The current AL batting leaders are an assortment of hitters with grudges against the Yankees

Now and then, I love the comfort of the old school newspaper stats page, a wall of agate that - if you stare hard enough and long enough - always contains the secret to the universe. 

No Gammonites here. No Boone quotes. No controversy over a rosin bag, or the ball boy's haircut. Just names and numbers - page after page of stats, standings, schedules, starters and scores - box scores - as far as you can see. You know that movie, Everything Everywhere All at Once? It should be about the sports agate page - an instant avalanche that online sites cannot match. (Yes, it's nice to click on a name and access an entire Wikipedia file, but you're soon lost in the weeds.) The baseball agate page is the greatest sports forum ever devised. 

If the lords of the game worry about a dearth of millennial fans, it's because their generation grew up without newspapers. And my friends, that ship has forever sailed.

But let's cut to the meat. Behold today's AL leaderboard! Yes, it's mid-April, merely a small sample snapshot of those off to hot starts. Remember "Never Nervous" Yangervis Solarte? Dewayne Wise? Pronk? Gods of April, each of them. 

But in here lurk secrets of the Sphinx, all with Yankee connections. For example...

1. Toronto has the top three hitters (with Matt Chapman batting at almost twice his normal average.) They cannot keep this up. They'll soon go cold - though Vlad Gurerrero Jr. is for real. The Yankee connection: He hates us. 

How delightful it will be when we sign him at age 40.

2. It took a while, but Jorge Mateo may have finally blossomed into the star the Yankees once projected. We traded him to Oakland (with Dustin Fowler and James Kaprielian) for Sonny Gray. Last weekend, I think it was John Flaherty who noted that O's announcer Jim Palmer claims Mateo is the greatest fielding SS he's ever seen in Baltimore. That statement left Michael Kay stunned. They started rattling off names - Belanger, Ripkin, Tejada, Apparicio... holy shit. It's still a bit early, but that Sonny Gray deal might someday be Cooperstown Cashman's W.O.A.T. (worst of all time.) 

3. Look who's ranked 8th: Old friend Geo Urshella. It's worth noting that last year, Geo outhit Jackie Donaldson by a healthy 60 points. The Yankees love to tout Jackie's glove, but I wouldn't say he's better than Urshela. (Remember Geo throwing out baserunners from his butt, or flying into an opposing dugout to snare a foul?) Another Cashman Crash. The W.O.A.T.?

4. Rafael Devers leads the AL in HRs. For my money, he remains baseball's preeminent Yankee Killer. He is on a par with Judge, Vlad, Harper and Ohtani. 

5. Thank God for Aaron Judge and Gerrit Cole. Around here, we have a nasty tendency to judge players by their contracts. It's easy to do - and I'm guilty - in part because that's how the Yankee-owned media covers the team. It judges players from the eyes of the front office. 

Let's remember that Cole and Judge are worth every penny - and let's accept that a time will come when that is not the case. Players get old, they get hobbled, and nobody stays great forever. But those two are Yankee greats, now and forever, and as long as we have them, we have a chance.

And remember: The truth doesn't necessarily come in headlines, but it's always there in the agate page.  

4 - 6 Weeks Plus ReHab?

 So Stanton pulls a hamstring trying to stop his semi-like body on a down hill run into second base? 

Few athletes pull Hammy's while decelerating. And when your flat out top speed is 3-4 mph, one wonders what will give out next?

And the prognosis is 4-6 weeks?  A lifetime in baseball.

The real danger here is that this gives the Yankees a lengthy excuse to keep Hicks on the bench and not take another look at Florial. I have given up on Estevan.  If you are a young Yankee, you just have to show your value when you get your chances. He never did.

All of baseball, in fact, endorsed the Yankee decision to let him go.  And, oddly, he wound up back in Scranton where he has started producing again.  I understand that he might still not " have it " for the next level. But I know Hicks no longer does.  

Why not give the 25 year old another shot, while Harrison glue boy continues his endless rehabilitation?

I keep hoping for a Hollywood ending. 

We don't often get, you know?

Time for a 12 pack of Mexican Cerveza. 

Stanton down, Donaldson returning, Hicks underperforming: This is the recipe for a bad Yankee stretch

Long ago, I learned a sad and troubling life lesson. 

If you constantly must keep telling yourself something, it probably isn't true. 

As a kid, I assured myself that truth would always defeat lies, that good would always overcome evil, that America could never be wrong and - really - WTF did I know? I thought Roger Repoz would be a Yankee star. I was dead certain that Greg Whitaker was the real deal. Joe Pepitone? Don't get me started...

And 50 years later, I was still buying into Jesus Montero, Greg Bird and Gary Sanchez. Hopeless, eh? 

On that note, here are some lines that the Yankees - via the Yank-owned media - keep feeding us...

1. Giancarlo Stanton's exit velocity matters.  In fact, it doesn't. Not a whit.

Saturday, Stanton crushed a ball so hard that it bounced off the wall, back to the OF, and he had to leg out a double. In doing so, he strained a calf - not just any calf, a Giancarlo calf - and we all know what that means: 

Four to six weeks. 

Putting Stanton in an MRI machine is like letting Trump into the Miss Teen Universe locker room: Something's gonna happen. About five years ago, exit velo became a thing. Ever since, we've heard mucho blah-blah-blah about Stanton's laser blasts and told ourselves - collectively - that it mattered. It didn't. It doesn't. Not a whit. 

Here comes another injury-compromised Stanton season, like all the others. Jeter knew what he was doing when he traded this guy, his gold-plated contract and personal MRI machine.  

2. Jackie Donaldson is due for a comeback. This was an overriding assumption of spring training: That 2022 was an aberration, and Donaldson will cobble together a big season. 

Well, he started slowly and then got hurt. He'll be back soon, and you know what? 

I don't think we missed this guy one measly iota.  

3. Aaron Hicks still has value. He fanned three times yesterday, the boos growing louder with each failure. The front office hopes to wring value from his contract, which it bestowed upon Hicks long, long ago in a galaxy far, far away. With Stanton out, he'll get another month to flounder in LF. And Estevan Florial will rot in Scranton.   

At some point, Hicks will get a few hits, club a HR and maybe lift his average to .220. Then he will tweak something. It's a recurring sad story. If it were a movie, we'd say it was a formula tragedy: The beauty dies in the final reel. But the guy cannot turn a good week into a good month. So we're just playing it out. Again.  

4. Everything will be okay when Carlos Rodon and Luis Severino return. Yesterday, Gerrit Cole reminded us of the value of a great starter. If Rodon and Setback Sevy can come back, it will truly lift this team. But Rodon is now facing a back issue, and after all these years, we have yet to determine how good Severino will turn out to be. 

5. DJ LeMahieu is back. And he seems to be hitting like 2021, not last year's big-toe debacle. But is DJ entering a fragile phase of his career? The wear and tear on a utility player is incredible. He just seems to be banged up.   

6. The bullpen doesn't need a designated closer. Actually, we have such a being - Clay Holmes. He just seems to have caught the El Chapo flu. He walks batters who seemingly have no chance to hit him. Can Holmes find his command? Or does he get replaced?  All I know is that someone has to emerge. The notion of "closer by committee" requires that somebody holds a gavel. 

7. It's only April, and there is plenty of time... Yes, indeed. We have six months. Then again, it's early to be having some of these discussions.  We can keep assuring ourselves that we have too much talent to fail, and that everything will work out. And maybe we will believe it. 

Roger Repoz is 82. Wherever you are, sir, I wish you well. 

Good Morning, Boys !

 Stanton.  10 day IL.

Pulled something in the lower body area.

Just a red flag warning. 

In a day of reckoning, Domingo German comes through

Domingo German burst onto the Yankee landscape at age 25, all skin and bones, with a future as bright as Ivanka's teeth. Remember 2018? That Thai soccer team lost in the caves? Brett Cavanaugh yelping, "I LIKE BEER?" The royal wedding? Miggy Two-bags? Luke Voit? The year we were gonna win it all?

Well, here we are. 

Blink, and five years go by. 

In 2019, German goes 18-4. That's no misprint on the IIH Linotype. Eighteen and four. That's a Guidry-level stat. He was the Yankee IT Girl. 

Then he punches out his girlfriend, apparently in front of the entire NYC sports world, and goes away for a year. Then comes Covid. Then, in 2021, still skin and bones, he just isn't very good. Last year, a mini-comeback - if you can call it a comeback: he goes 2-5 with a 3.61 ERA. 

And here we are. 

With any kind of health this spring, the Yankees wouldn't be trotting out German every fifth day. He'd be the bullpen long-man, assuming he beat out Clarke Schmidt and wasn't sent to Scranton. But the rotation is a shambles and - well - here we are. 

Yesterday, German pitched so dominantly that the Twins gave him the highest honor known to a pitcher: They accused him of doctoring the ball. Doesn't get much better. Obviously, he secured himself a slot in the April rotation. The bar is rather low. But is he real, or was yesterday just another false flag sent by the juju gods to drive us crazy?

If you're looking for answers, rest assured: There are none here. I doubt even German knows why he was so overwhelming yesterday, and whether his command will continue. But for now anyway, in one afternoon, he staved off five years of critics. For now. And here we are. 

The bullpen, the Martian, the solo HRs and the Redsocks

I believe I speak for the Yankiverse ™ in stating, forthwith, that nobody - NOBODY - wanted Aroldis Chapman to return in 2023. Don't miss the meltdowns. Don't miss the walks. Don't miss the diva thing. Don't miss the quitting. Don't miss the cascades of sweat, like rain upon Fort Lauderdale.  

But but BUT... I do miss the fantasy that our bullpen possessed one duly assigned closer, a titan who lifted the earth upon his shoulders. Right now, the Yankees have no such person. Clay Holmes had a miserable second half of 2022, and thus far, he seems to have taken up where he left off. 

The Yankees have now lost six games. Four directly hinged upon a leaky bullpen. And at the heart of all our concerns, one question remains unanswered: Who is gonna get the last three outs?

Scattered deliriums...

1. Congrats to Jasson Dominguez - aka The Martian - who finally secured his first hit of 2023 at Double A Somerset. He went 1-3 with 2 walks and a SB, lifting his BA to .053. Gotta start somewhere. 

2. The Yankees hit three HRs last night, producing three runs. Solo shots. Aside from that, nothing happened. I know it's too early to sound alarms, but let me state what we all know: If they are a HR-only team, they will win nothing of consequence in 2023.

3. Yankee catchers have yet to throw out a baserunner in 2023. They are one of three teams to face this problem. Base stealers are 12-for-12 against us. But it's not always the catcher. This week, Ian Hamilton disassembled on the mound, allowing a game winning run, with two stolen bases that didn't even draw a throw. This is a problem.

4. Despite all our woes, I'm delighted to report that Boston looks worse. Their recent keystone combo was Yu Chang at 2B and Bobby Dalbec at SS. Roll that around on your tongue. Bobby Dalbec at SS. It would make a great bumper sticker. Could this a year when they self-tank?  

5. One of the worst parts about last night: We squandered a solid start by Nestor Cortez. Right now, the Death Barge has two reliable starters - Gerrit Cole and Nasty Nestor. We're pushing them to pitch deeper and deeper into games. That can come at a price.

6. Congrats to Anthony Volpe for his first MLB HR. For whatever it's worth, last year in the minors, he hit 21. Two years ago, 27. 

7. Gleyber has gone stone cold, hitting .190 in his last seven games. This slump corresponds to his reporting a muscle tweak. Considering our infield depth, it seems crazy to be pushing a guy out there in April. 

Domingo German today. Abandon hope, all ye who enter here.

$59.00

That is today's cost for a one way ticket by Greyhound luxury Liner from Port Authority Bus Terminal in NYC , to Scranton, PA.

Free WIFI.

Clean toilet ( not guaranteed beyond Altoona ). 

See you Johnny.  

The Real Inspector Hound

 

With Jordan Montgomery having picked up very much where he left off last year for the St. Louis Cardinals, I hear renewed, puzzled grumbling over how it was that Brian Cashman would EVER trade a serviceable starting pitcher for a centerfielder with a lifetime batting mark of .245/.317/.405/.723.

Welcome to another of Inspector Cashie's Famous Locked-Room Mysteries! 

Not as baffling, to be sure, as such previous Cashie perennials as, "The Case of the Promising Player Simply Released," or "The Case of the Useful Player Sold for Cash Money and No Players." But intriguing nonetheless!

SPOILER ALERT! IF YOU READ BEYOND THIS LINE, WE IMPLORE YOU NOT TO REVEAL THE SHOCKING ENDING TO ANYONE...WHO IS A YANKEES FANS BELOW THE AGE OF NINE. IT MIGHT CAUSE PERMANENT DAMAGE TO YOUNG MINDS!

My friend Lucas pointed out what should have been the obvious answer. 

While Harrison Bader was a miserable hitter in St. Louee, Louee—.212/.296/.341/.637—outside the Gateway City, he was something else altogether: .277/.339/.468/.807.

ZOUNDS!

My suspicion is that, much like one of Agatha Christie's stage detectives—or at least, Stoppard's parody of them—Inspector Cashie thought he was going to wrap up a championship 2022 season in one brilliant, final coup.

For the grande finale, he would bring on Harrison Bader, whom nobody but Cashie realized was really a terrific hitter as well as a great fielder.  Sure, it would cost us Monty, but Oakland's Monty would compensate for that that, as would the heap o' tested, veteran relievers he would bring in for the stretch run.

Case closed!!

Well, unfortunately the Inspector failed to note that, from those same, revealing Bader stats could be gleaned the fact that Cashie's new Joe DiMaggio had also missed nearly a quarter of every major-league he ever played (23.2 percent). 

After 2022, Bader's MIA pct. rose closer to ONE-THIRD of all games (28.6 percent) played. Cashman had picked up a terrific defensive player with, perhaps, untapped offensive potential...who could never stay on the field long enough for it make a bit of difference. 

And of course, every single one of the pitchers acquired was also showing signs of being overworked and hurt, and soon landed on the DL.

Curses!

Forget about strategies to reduce Judge's salary demands, or any other oblique purpose. It all goes back to Baker's Axiom:  "Never underestimate the role of stupidity in human affairs."

Inspector Cashie is simply an idiot. Unfortunately, we're still stuck in the locked room with this corpse of a Yankees team for years to come.

   

A 9-run inning set to Benny Hill music

Linked for posterity.

Bader, Brito, the blowout and the Bay

The morning after the first absolute debacle of 2023...

1. Jhony Brito crashed with a toxic cloud worthy of the Southern Railway Co. He started the night as an exciting 25-year-old with an enticing future; he finished as Vidal Nuno III. 

That shot of him seated in the dugout - shell-shocked, as the totality of the disaster became clear - belongs in some Yankee museum of the grotesque. (Imagine the opposite of Monument Park.) 

Of course, he'll get another start. What choice do we have? Starting at Scranton last night was Ryan Weber, age 32, who went 5 innings and gave up 4; his ERA now sits at 9.26. Carlos Rodon has a bad back, and who knows when Setback Sevy Severino will return? Even Will Warren, who had started strong at Double A, got blasted last night: 3.2 innings, 5 earned runs. 

It took the Yankee pitching staff only 13 games to be so strung out that Boone called on a position player. It's mid-April, and we are already desperate for Gerrit Cole and Nestor Cortez to pitch deep into starts. I don't want to do a Chicken Little. The sky is not falling, but the sea levels are rising. 

2. Harrison Bader says he's almost good to go. Soon, he'll start a rehab assignment in the minors. 

That means Cooperstown Cashman must finally decide the fate of Aaron Hicks' contract. I think we've all has ruled on Hicks: He cannot hit, and he's lost steps in the field. But his contract is still strong as a rock. It belongs in that reverse Monument Park.

Honestly, I still don't know what to make of Bader. He looked great last October, against Cleveland and Houston, (aside from one botched fly.)  But his offensive numbers in St. Louis - a career .245 with little power - don't rouse goosebumps. His Gold Glove will move Judge back into RF, Stanton into a DH totality, and cause  Franchy Cordero and/or Oswaldo Cabrera to lose playing time.

Is Bader the guy who hit .333 with 5 HRs in last year's post-season? Or the one who batted .217 - no HRs - in September?  

For the record: Jordan Montgomery has started three games for SL this year. His ERA is 2.45. How much of a disaster was that trade? 

3. What a sad and hopeless night. I turned on YES in the bottom of the first, and had to press my nose to the TV, because I couldn't believe my eyes. Entering the 4th, I wondered if we might be no-hit. It's been a while since the Yankees were so completely wiped out of a game in the first inning. In modern professional sports, it's rare to see a team so humbled. 

An NFL equivalent would be a first-quarter score of, say, 28-0. An NBA game would require a 30-point lead. The word "blowout" hardly describes last night. The Yankees never even came to bat with a chance to win that game. 

4. Tampa is officially becoming scary. I wonder whether the Rays are a great team - or this is just early season craziness?

I do know this: In recent years, whenever the Yankees rattled off a big winning streak, they soon balanced it with a bunch of losses. Is Tampa a different kind of team? 

We don't play them until May 5. Surely, by then, they will have returned to earth, right? Or is the season a microcosm of last night? Are we simply playing for a wild card, but just don't know it?

I was in the middle of Indiana yesterday...

...when I realized that my chosen route east was going to take me through the toxic wasteland formally known as Richmond, Indiana.

Quickly heading north I crossed into Ohio somewhere near the middle and, opening my MLB app, went in search of what time the Yankees were playing the Clev...

"Hey, wait a minute" I thought, or more likely said out loud. Driving thousands of miles alone will do that. " I'm in Ohio and it's a day game. I've always wanted to go to The Jake Progressive Field and see the Indians Guardians."

All I had to do was figure out what to do with my luggage. There's still enough NYer in me to understand that leaving a car full of valuables in a urban parking not is not a particularly good idea. 

I was about to give up, when my music thumb drive, containing a good 1000 songs and set to random, decided to play "Take Me Out to the Ballgame." I shit you not...

Speaking of shit... Here's a photo of tee shirt from a place in Missouri. You can't believe how much mileage they get out of this concept. 

  

 

The place was packed. Yes, Uranus was packed. Sorry. I'll let you figure out what the liquor store was called. I'll give you a hint... it starts with Uranus and ends with Liquor. 

The Ozarks. 

But I digress. 

I still needed to find a place to store my luggage. 

What I ended up doing was going to a Best Western around 15 miles from the stadium and asking if they could put my bags behind the counter for 5-6 hours. While I didn't have a reservation there I am a Diamond Member of their rewards program. 

They said yes. (Which was very cool BTW.)

I got to the game on time but all of the parking garages were full and I had to park 10 blocks away and by the time I bought the ticket and got inside I missed Aaron Boone's melt down. Bummer. 

Still, I had a blast. It's a really nice place to see a ball game. I was in the lower deck, rightfield but not too far in right. $60 BTW. 

I brought my own food because a few day's earlier I was here...

Nice stadium. Great game. Knowledgeable fans. Their closer wears 99 and all I could think was...

"Throw him the heater Ricky."

And, just like during the regular season in, Major League... 

He blew the save. 

Quite A Win

 Just as our game one loss to the former Indian nation ( 3-2 ) was a remand to all the worst of the Yankee efforts, yesterday was quirky and positive. 

First was the highway robbery, practically handing the Tribe the ballgame. 

Then came the " retribution of the gods, " when one of the offending umpires got plunked in the noggin with the throw to to the plate. 

But the biggest moment of the game ( and I skip the obvious HR by Frenchy and the RBI by Cabrera), was when Rizzo casually sauntered over to the mound after Holmes had walked his third guy, to load the bases with two out in the ninth. The fans were going crazy, as if the midges had returned to choke our guys. 

Rizzo must have said something magical, because it changed the game.  Holmes re-focused and struck the next dude out. Game over.

The Yankees win...  But it was something the veteran said or did. 

He calmed the waters. 

Nice to see a real ballplayer in action. 

The scary thing about Tampa

 In today's lineup, every Ray is either in his prime (ages 26-31) or entering it. 

1. Yandy Diaz 1B (age 31)
2. Brandon Lowe 2B (28)
3. Randy Arozarena LF (28)
4. Wander Franco SS (22)
5. Luke Raley RF (28)
6. Harold Ramirez DH (28)
7. Taylor Walls 3B (26)
8. Josh Lowe CF (25)
9. Francisco Mejia C (27)
10. The Yankees, by contrast, have Higgy (32), LeMahieu (34), Stanton (33), Rizzo (33) and Hicks (33.) 

At least for now, The Martian has fallen to earth

Twenty-year-old Jasson Dominguez - aka "The Martian" - was the talk of the Yankees' recent spring camp. He hit .455 with 4 HRs, and raised across a normally cynical Yankiverse the sudden, delirious fantasy of a generational talent, an ascending star who might soon plug the team's gaping hole in left field. 

And he still might. It's a long season. But one full week into 2023, Dominguez has yet to turn the ignition at Double A Somerset. He is hitless in 16 at bats and fanned nine times. (Two walks, two stolen bases.) As the king of youthful expectations, he suddenly looks a lot more like Greg Bird than Juan Soto. Instead of ragging that he didn't start the year in Scranton, Yank fans may soon be asking if The Martian is ready for the Eastern League. 

Of course, we must keep repeating: It's just 16 at bats. It's just 16 at bats. Five games. That's a pittance. If he heats up tonight, he could be above Mendoza by Sunday. In fact, I hesitated about posting this update, figuring that it's way too soon to sound an alarm - I'm officially NOT sounding any alarm - but the guy struck out four times last night, which means he must be grinding his teeth in bed. 

And listen: In some cruel respects, this is a good thing - the normal order of the universe. Everybody faces the April frost, the killer slump. He will either fight through this or disappear. If Dominguez - or anybody - thinks spring training stats matter, they can talk to Greg Bird, who crushed Tampa in multiple months of March, or Kyle Higashioka, who led the 2022 Grapefruit Yanks in HRs. This year, Dominguez will show us who he is. You cannot be the Great Yankee Hope forever.

Is he a future star? Or the next Jose Tabata, Jackson Melian, Ruben Rivera, Jesus Montero, etc. They come and go, and they break our hearts. 

Dermis Garcia broke mine. He headed the famous Yankee international signings class of 2014, when Hal decided to shoot his wad on 16-year-old Latinos. (Not sure if that's the right way to put it?) The Yankees lavished $3.2 million on Garcia, a hulking manchild with an epic name. (Imagine John Sterling's HR holler.) Overall, the Yankees that summer spent $12 million on seven wunderkinds: Derms, Nelson Gomez, Juan De Leon, Jonathan Amundary, Wilkerman Garcia, Miguel Flames and Hyo-Joo Park. None has panned out. 

Like most lost Yankee souls, Dermis wound up with Oakland. Last year, he hit 5 HRs and batted .205 in 125 plate appearances for the A's. This year, he's back in Triple A, hitting .250 with 2 HRs. He's now 25. 

Which brings us back to The Martian. I'm not saying we should worry. Not yet, anyway. In the spirit of Franchy Cordero, there is a Promised Land for all the youngsters who never fulfilled the unlimited potential bestowed upon them by the Yankee hype machine.  Because that's what it is: A vampiric, soul-grinding system that constantly craves new blood. 

If The Martian flops, we will quickly pivot to Roderick Arias - "Rod-A," to everyone in need of a flashy nickname - whom the Yankees signed in 2022 for $4 million, the largest payout that year to a Latino teenager. Last year, he hit .194 in the Dominican Summer League. This year, he'll probably move up to Rookie A-ball. The hype machine will keep grinding. In the meantime, let's hope Dominguez gets a bloop single or a seeing-eye base hit, something to break the drought. It's gotta be lonely, being the Great Yankee Hope... and 0 for 16. 

Speaking truth to power, Michael Kay courageously takes on the Cleveland bat boy

 

File this one away: April 11, 2023. On this night, YES announcer Michael Kay fought the Cleveland bat boy's hair.

 

A perfect night ends on a tweak

When I launch my OnlyFans site, it will feature hardcore, x-rated, full Sodom-&-Gomorrah  Yankee Porn... like the box score to your rigid right. 

Check out the "2"s in that hit column. 

And the "3" next to F.Cordero. 

Ooh, baby, you know what Daddy likes...

I can fondle this all day. It's the swimsuit edition of box scores. Eleven runs. This box should be banned in Tennessee. 

Last night brought the kind of Yankee success that groomed me as a child: A 5-run inning, a 3-run HR, bullpen mop up, every batter with a hit. Not only that, but the Mets lost, Garrett Whitlock - Boston's stolen goods - got walloped by Tampa (5 runs), and the guy we traded to the Cubs for Scott Effross - Hayden Wesneski, couldn't last two innings: 7 runs. And in the minors, Estevan Florial and top-pick Spencer Jones both homered twice. A damn near perfect night. So why do I feel so empty and unhorsed?

On a ball hit to the wall, Gleyber stopped at first base. Then he came out. 

And Boone didn't sound worried? 

Well, then, that settles it: 

We. Are. Fucking. Screwed.

Gleb was enjoying the best start of his career, so - of course, he tweaks something! And why would the Yankees possibly bother to test him? Pooh-Pooh Boone doesn't think it's important? Oh, sure. Nothing to worry about, folks, certainly not injuries to the Yankees. That never happens, right?  

A nine run lead in the ninth, on a warm cozy night in Cleveland with the planets aligned and the box score brimming with raw, sweaty sex. Then the mayflies hatch, and the gnats start pouring into your skull. Nothing to worry about? There is always something to worry about. That's the price of Yankee porn.

Now We Know

 ...Nothing Has Changed.

For the first (9) games of the season, we hit well and pitched well ( usually ) and sported a 6-3 record.  We felt like things were moving.  Volpe and Cabrera were exciting. 

Yesterday, we returned to the Yankee normal.

1.  We scored early, but failed to " blow the game open" ( could have had 4 runs with one clutch hit ).

2.  We hit zero HRs, which meant we could only score the 2 runs. We never scored again. 

3.  We failed at the big moment. ( "Gift" triple with no outs and we cannot advance the runner ).  That ended the game, right there. 

4.  The line-up featured four real players:

Torres - still red hot

Judge - MVP

Rizzo - quality ballplayer

Stanton - streaky but currently hot

Everyone else is basically a warm body who threatens no one.   A few have had the occasional good game, but yesterday, they were " flaky and the four toads."  No one in the bottom of that line-up is dependable or clutch.  Not a single  " big moment" player in the bunch.  

6.  Starting pitching gave little length.  Worn out bullpen made one mistake.  But when the Yankees are in their " get 2 runs early and go home" mode, one mistake is deadly.

This is mostly what we saw in the second half of last season, after our jaw dropping start.  

This year, Tampa is having the jaw dropping start.  

This was the loss that told the team, " you aren't going anywhere."  

LINEUP FOR TONIGHT:

Yankees suffer first truly miserable, stinking, out-of-body, soul-crushing, gelatinous loss of 2023

There are three types of Yankee losses.

1. The Pitiful Drubbing. From the git-go, the lineup offers Boonian table scraps. They fall behind early, constantly flail, botch a few grounders and lose by at least five. In many ways, these are merciful outings, because you get to see what's on other channels. 

2. The Hideous Setback. They stay close for a few innings, then disintegrate, usually via the bullpen. For a few moments, you actually think they'll win. Then the roof caves in. Think Scott Proctor. When it's over, you wasted three hours, but at least you're ready for bed.

3. The Truly Miserable, Stinking, Out-of-Body, Soul-Crushing, Gelatinous Debacle.  They blow the lead, walk a bunch of batters, make at least one stupid error and strand critical runners in the final innings. When it's over, you cannot explain to anyone - including yourself - why you bothered. 

These losses do not build character or make you a better person. They do not teach you a lesson or give you a refreshing perspective on the human condition. They simply peck at your soul like a million razor-sharp penguin beaks, leaving you to ponder the closest bridge or sheer cliff overlook. 

Last night brought No. 3 - the first this season. The loss was a grand team effort. Our pitchers walked nine batters. Nine. The team squandered a heroic outing by somebody named Colten Brewer.  They let Guardian base runners steal second without drawing throws. Then, to ice the shit cake, in the eighth inning, they left Gleyber Torres on third with no outs and Judge, Rizzo & Stanton coming to bat. And while it's comical to care, the Yankees are now 4 games behind Tampa.  

Last night marked the Yank debut of Willie Calhoun, who seems to have leapfrogged Aaron Hicks as backup DH. (For some reason, the Yankees always need two.) Willie certainly looks like a DH. He went 1-4 with a double. Also, Franchy Cordero returned to earth, going 0-for-3 with two Ks, though he got screwed in the ninth with a bad call to end the game.

I suspect this team will give us many truly miserable stinking, out-of-body, soul-crushing losses in 2023.  In the meantime, our ace pitches tonight, along with a slew of ex-Yankees, across the landscape. We can still take this series. 

Why I Watch

 1.  Judge

2.  Cabrera

3.  Brito

4.  Frenchy ( Franchy)

5. Volpe

6. Ian Hamilton

7.  Stanton

8.  Nasty Nestor

9. Rizzo.

10.  Torres

11.  Le Mahieu

Note to editors;  Yankees can't win today due to German. 

NOTE FROM EL DUQUE: No DJ, no Oswaldo?

Wanna mess with a Redsock fan? (Of course you do.) Just mention Franchy Cordero

At last, karmic payback for Garrett Whitlock!

You remember Whitlock - plucked from our farm system in the 2020 Rule 5 draft, taken for a bureaucratic pittance, to become the Redsocks' trustiest reliever. Even today, on the Injury List, he's viewed a future rotation cog. And don't Boston fans cackle over the mention of his name? Two minutes into a spitting match, while oniony mucous flows from their toothless maws and ribald stains seep through their adult diapers, they'll scream, "Garrett Whitlock! Garrett Whitlock!" In the early predawn hours, outside our house, they gather in the street to grunt his accursed name. "Garrett Whitlock! Garrett Whitlock!"

I hope you'll join me to congregate outside your most merciless Redsock fan's home around - say - 4 a.m. to wail, "FRANCHY! FRANCHY! FRANCHY!" and wait for the SWAT unit. Yes, we'll give them a gingery taste of their own phlegm, because to Boston fans, Franchy Cordero looks like their worst scenario... the one who got away. 

Two HRs this weekend. When I look at Cordero, I see a bigger, faster, younger version of Matt Carpenter, (without the past success and respect.) I see the history of baseball, which is filled with greats who were early career near-washouts: Amos Otis. Bill Robinson. David Ortiz. Brigadoon Refsnyder... it's a long list, and there is nothing sorrier than watching a dud - dealt to the enemy - become a star.

Franchy - (we can call him that; The Master's call "You can bet the ranchy on Franchy") - has bounced around three franchises, including SD, KC and Boston, which traded Andrew Benintendi for him. Best part: With Boston, he conducted a master class in ruined expectations. Over 34 games last year - all with anticipatory hype - Franchy hit .179. They sent him to Triple A; he he hit .339. So they called him back up. Crickets. For Boston, he hit .189 - but for Worcester, .300. Hah. 

Last winter, Boston pulled the plug. DFA. He hooked up with Baltimore and crushed his spring training audition, but the O's are knee deep in prospects, and Franchy is 28. The Yankees signed him as a free agent. The guy's a strapping 6'3" and said to be one of the fastest players in the game. (He twice led the minors in triples.) He plays 1B and all three OF slots and - get this - he hits LH.

Okay, I know what you're thinking. It's barely mid-April and I'm forging his plaque for Monument Park. Let's not draft his Christmas speech to the United Nations. But on a weekend when the Gammonites gushed over Aaron Hicks' single - a grounder to left field - Cordero and Oswaldo Cabrera became the reasons for hope in LF and 3B. The sooner we can get beyond Hicks and Jackie Donaldson, the better. 

So, when you hear them chant "Garrett Whitlock," grab the bullhorn and scream, "Franchy, Franchy, Franchy." They'll disperse. For now, they have no response.