Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Ladies and gentlemen, the captain has turned on the seat belt sign, as we are expecting turbulence over the next few miles. Please return to your seats. We will soon be distributing beverages.

For those of you seated on the left side of the aircraft, if you look out the window, you may see flames billowing from the engine. There is no cause for alarm. The Yankee pitching is just overworked. We ask you to lower your window shades, so others will not be disturbed.

For anyone on the right side, it may look as though the wing is missing. Not to worry. Our engineer, Mr. Cashman, is on the phone, looking for a replacement. We are sure he will find one before our descent is further interrupted by the ground.
We are, however, offering a special service over the next few minutes. Our flight attendants will be handing out whatever hard liquor you want, free, and we suggest that you take a long, satisfying belt of your favorite elxir, because the ride is going to be bumpy...

So here we are, once again, dancing at .500 - the essence of mediocrity. We have a worse record than the Kansas City Royals. A worse record than the Pittsburgh Pirates. A worse record than the Seattle Mariners. Did you know that Boston - as soon as they finished beating the Yankees - returned to Fenway last night and started losing again?

Not long ago, we stood four games above .500. I thought we were making a run. Nope. It was just a blip, a few wins before the correction.

Now, we face the Perfect Storm: Old players, big contracts, and Cashman seeking deals.

Know what Cashman will get in those deals?

More old players, more big contracts, and more needs to seek deals.

This is how junkies go, day to day, season to season, always seeking that one next fix, which will change their lives. The Yankees are addicted to old players, big contracts, and mid-season deals - which are supposed to solve the problems caused by the old players and the big contracts.

But here is where it gets scary... because everything can turn, not just for 2014 - but through the decade. And here's the view from Cashman's desk, in terms of front office survival (which was always his greatest talent.)

To obtain, say, David Price, all he needs to do is mortgage the future - trade Aaron Judge, Mason Williams, Rob Refsnyder, et al, and tell everybody our scouts had seen flaws in their swings, and they weren't going to be any good. The writers will do the rest. If Price helps the Yankees win, Cashman is a hero and signs a contract extension. If the Yankees lose, why would Cashman care about the lack of prospects next year. That will be his successor's problem. Why make the next guy look good?

I have rooted for the Yankees every single day for more than half a century. But John Sterling is right. You cannot predict anything. I did not believe the 2014 season could be worse than last year. I didn't think it was humanly possible. Now, I'm not so sure. The Yankees are staggering and looking for a big, quick fix. This time, it could be the overdose. We could be headed for a crash. Suggestion: When the stewardess comes by, grab the bottle and don't let go.


Anonymous said...

I have to tell you, I subscribe to the RSS feed of this site, and you crack me up. As soon as I saw the ladies and gentlemen, the captain has turned on the fasten seatbelt sign, and the picture of the plane going down, I cracked up. After I read the plane is missing a wing but not to worry as Engineer Cashman is on the phones looking for a replacement, I lost it. I love that as I watch our $200M baseball team that has lived at .500 all year, I can come here for some witty humor in an otherwise sad and frustrating situation. Well done to you, sir.

ceeja said...

There is no one worth having on the free agent market. David Price is damaged goods and he isn't going to help them hit. Just man up and give 1, 2, or even 3 young guys from Triple A a chance to produce. That's what normal teams do, and there is nothing special about the Yankees.

KD said...

It's hard to find something positive in our anemic offense but it is possible, if you're an astute business man. Take Papa John's pizza, for example.

they have a promotion where they discount pies 50% if a) the Yankees score 6 or more runs and b) they win. Both criteria must be met.

They get attention for their store via their "generous" offer and don't have to sell discounted pizza. Genius!!

Joseph Michael "A-Rod" Rodriguez Marquez III said...

Your metaphor is incredibly unrealistic:

the Steinbrothers will still be charging us $12 for beer as we fall to deaths.

yanks10360 said...

In the midst of watching this crap for the past 1 1/2 seasons the thought has frequently crossed my mind, maybe they would do better if I didn't watch.

joe de pastry said...

Cashman should offer Betances to anybody who will trade a hitter or starter to us because Girardi is abusing Betances the way Torre abused Scott Proctor, so he won't be any good after this year anyway.