Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Top Ten List of Current Yankee Open Sores

Two weeks ago, the feel-good, Cinderella '17 Yankees had one eency-weency problem, the temporary kale-and-turd-burger at 1B, at least until our official spring sensation, Greg Bird, returned from his Scranton rehab. Nobody worried. All was groovy. If Chris "Swing and Miss" Carter didn't start producing, Brain Cashman would simply comb the MLB gene pool for a replacement, and our four-game lead in the AL East would surely continue to grow. The world seemed so safe, so secure. We were shitting Bitcoins. 

Then came the road trip to Hell. 

I won't list all the bad things that happened. It's like an Oscar acceptance speech; there are just too many names, and I'd be afraid of leaving someone out. But suddenly, Yankees' problems run up and down our spine, like shingles, and unless Hal orders Cashman to jettison the farm system - and our future - there is no July 31 trade solution. As old Rummy himself once said, "You go to war with the army you have..." Folks, we are deep in big muddy, and the cavalry isn't anywhere in sight.

Nevertheless, there is a bright spot from this six-game losing streak: It gives us a reason to make a new list! Come on, who on the Internet doesn't love lists! It's fun, ranking prospects, players, vegetables, Taylor Swift fuckboys, characters on M*A*S*H, whatever. Thus, I'm going to list and rank the Top 10 Yankee Open Sores. Of course, some of you will surely disagree - that's the fun! - and I apologize in advance if your fave Yankee Open Sore is getting a short-shrift. Life is unfair. If your unsung Yankee Open Sore isn't getting enough recognition, let's be honest: Maybe the Open Sore isn't bleeding enough. So here goes... 

Top 10 List of Current Yankee Open Sores

1. Masahiro Tanaka. This is a swollen, ugly red gash - smack in the middle of our forehead. We must keep pitching him - he's technically our ace - yet he's getting torched. No band-aid can cover this. We need one of those Mexican pro wrestler masks. It's that bad.

2. CC Sabathia. A pulsing, festering thingy... and it hurts to pee. He's out for at least another five weeks, and then what? He was a roller coaster ride before the injury. Must we relive the months of April and May? (Probably.)

3. First base. We need to consider an amputation. Simply stated, Chris Carter is the anti-Christ. And Bird is not the word. Wither goest Lyleth Overbay?

4. Bullpen. This is a rash spreading everywhere. Did we really give El Chapo five years at $86 million? (Did I miss something? Weren't we going to stop doing those deals?) Tyler Clippard is a fever blister. Adam Warren is out. Suddenly, our belly is rumbling with Rumbelows. Everybody but Betances is collapsing. What happens when he slumps? (And everybody slumps.)

5. Third base. Chase Headley's career continues to swirl the drain in excruciatingly slow YES-mo replays. We were going to replace him with Glyber Torres. Oh, well...

6. Pineda. No explanation or description here. You all know what I mean.

6. Aaron Hicks' and Gary Sanchez's nagging injuries. Especially, Sanchez. It seems like just when he gets hot, something barks.

7. Aaron Judge's Ruthian, too-good-to-be-true, first-half run. What happens to this team if (or when) he hits a slump? Seriously, he's having a wonderful year. But do we really think he'll win the Triple Crown? Right now, we are starting to look like the team that cannot score five runs. If Judge falters, we would become the team that cannot score three. That's scary.

8. Castro returning to earth? Well, he's 27; it's possible that this is his career year. But will he continue to hit .324? Doubtful. 

9. Gardner and Ellsbury's murky futures. Last year, Gardy had a terrible second half. He simply seemed worn out. Why do we think this year will be different?Class? Anybody? Meanwhile, Ellsbury's concussion headaches must be starting to worry people. Head injuries = no laughing matter. Last spring, one of them seemed destined to be traded. Now, what do we have, and how long do they freeze Clint Frazier and Dustin Fowler down in Scranton?

10. I leave this open for today's bad news, whatever it is. Shoulder tightness for another pitcher? A base-running hammy? I dunno. But it's out there. Right now, the Yankee boat is made of Swiss cheese. The road trip is over. We're back home. Somebody better step up soon, because if we fall behind Boston, the wild card chase is going to look extremely lame. 

23 comments:

Urban Farmer formerly known as DutchFan said...

I can't think of anything you missed. I like this list.

On the other hand, it is a bit disappointing that you have not been able to mention Brigadoon Refsnyder. It feels like an amputation of sorts. And thus not including him in some way makes it automatically a part of the list.

How clever. A masterly move.

JJ in MA said...

11. Binders.

John M said...

I've been meaning to ask...DutchFan, why the name change to Urban Farmer? Have you been listening to the "Will the Circle Be Unbroken" LP lately? Are you engaged in a back-to-the-earth movement? Are you planting seeds that sprout into full-fledged cities?

But yes, Ref and Joey B. have become wastes of time. Well, Joe has been forever, but Ref...he's no Mason Fucking Williams.

13bit said...

This whole list, of course, brings us back to the only JuJu mantra that really made a difference this year: why should we even show up? it's hopeless.

Anonymous said...

OK..... IT'S ALL CAPS, "REBOOT" TIME.

THE 2017 UNDERDOG NEW YORK YANKEES HAVE....

AARON JUDGE (25)

GARY SANCHEZ (24)

THE NEW AND MUCH IMPROVED AARON HICKS (27)

DIDI GREGORIOUS (27)

STARLIN CASTRO (27)

DELLIN BETANCES (29)

AROLDIS CHAPMAN (29)

JORDAN MONTGOMERY (24)



THE KEY HERE IS TO KEEP REPEATING,
WE ARE THE 2017 UNDERDOG YANKEES.
LETS HAVE SOME FUCKING FUN.

Urban Farmer formerly known as DutchFan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Urban Farmer formerly known as DutchFan said...

@JohnM:It Was All Alphonso. something Inspired Him To Assume That I Must Be Sort Of A Farmhand Or At Least Live Near A Farm. And Coming FroM Him I Took It As A Compliment Of Course. So To Honor Him And With Him All The Boeren and All The Folk On The PLains Without Cabel TV I Adopted This Name.

So Kind You AskEd!

I Can Recommend The Rendition By The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band Of The SonG By That Name.

Yeehaw!

Vampifella said...

I'm just hoping the Ellsbury concussion will end up like Prince Fielder. Too injured to play and the insurance would pay off part of his contract.

Of course it's only one bad year and the other years with the team were statistically "good" for him, but still we could do way better without him.

For the money being spent, I just don't see any parting with him even with an outfield of 3 Hicks hitting over 300 waiting to replace him. Yankees has a nasty habit of playing players because of the money spent on them rather than statistics.

At best we could hope he'll hit 3 WAR again next year and can be convinced to wave his no trade contract to go to the Braves or some awful Siberian team where the Yankee castoffs typically end up. A lot like how we got rid of McGann.

Cory Lidle's Scenic Air Tours said...

Well played, Dookie. It's all my fault. I got the MLB package at the start of the road trip, and it's been a foot-long shit sandwich ever since.

The Ghost of Yankees Past said...

Anonymous has it correct.

We are rebuilding and have a bunch of young talent preforming very well at the major league level. In addition we have another wave of young talent in the minors who look like they will be contributors in the major league in the next year or two. While " the game is afoot " the plan is on track.

It is a long season and there will be ups and downs. Clearly it is more fun when the Yankees were winning. But we need to forget about division titles this year , it was never in the cards. If it happens that will be a great surprise.

Relax and enjoy the ride!

Ken of Brooklyn said...

YES YES YES!
I'm in absolute agreement with ALLCAPS and The Ghost OYP, have fun, FUN FUN FUN! Don't worry about anything this season, it's literally icing on the cake at this point, let it all play out and don't sell off the farm, the youth revolution is on it's way!

Anonymous said...

They're coming to take us away,
Ho, Ho, Hee, Hee,
To the Funny Farm,
Where Life is Beautiful all the Time,
and Those Nice Young Men in their Bright White Coats
Are Coming to Take Us Away....

What, Me Worry??

LB (No J)

joe de pastry said...

June Swoon shows their True Colors.
Wait til next year, at least.

Joe Formerlyof Brooklyn said...


The list of 10 miseries (or 9 plus one To Come) is masterful. However, I went back to May 31, 2017, end of the day standings.

Yankees: Now 38-29. Then 30-20. They've had a miserable June (8W, 9L), and lost 1 game.

Red Sox: Now 39-31. Then 29-23. June = 10W, 8L. They've picked up 2 games. This is good, but not Awesome.

Orioles: Now 34-35. Then 27-24. Yikes! 7W, 11L. Gone backwards 4 games (and it seems worse).

In context, despite the youthfulness of the team, JoeyBlinders' field management, and all of the injuries . . . the NYYs are still in it, and are not really gasping for air.

YES, I REALIZE -- you can add a "yet" to that last sentence --

Leinstery said...

Hot start from the boys

Leinstery said...

HOW MANY FUCKING TIMES MUST CLIPPARD SCREW UP BEFORE THE BINDERS TELL JOE TO USE SOMEONE ELSE?!?!?!?!

Rufus T. Firefly said...
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Rufus T. Firefly said...

"... and it hurts to pee. "

That's why I read this blog.

And I agree with all the comments that they are having a better season than we could have expected.

Finally kudos to LB (no J) for the exquisite reference to the insanity song -- makes me glad I own it on vinyl.

Cory Lidle's Scenic Air Tours said...

Tyler Clippard. Are you kidding me? This guy sucks out loud. This is the ghost of Eddie Whitson. How many gopher balls did he just dish up? Everything they hit was either at the warning track or over the fence. Like we're supposed to celebrate if it barely keeps from leaving the yard. And if you really want to know how I feel about this, just insert the word "fuck" or "fucking" after every other word.

Alphonso said...

Lests all enjoy a foot long, shit sandwich from MLB. In this day of woe, that made me laugh.

Leinstery said...

I'd rather go on one of Cory Lidle's Scenic Air Tours than watch Clippard pitch ever again. 7 fucking games in a row. That's Mets level bad. I feel helpless, we've tried the blood sacrifice, we've tried the juju intervention what can we do? Do we stop making fun of the hall of famer Babe Benetendi? Do we follow the NFL minicamps? Do we watch the WNBA? I haven't felt this hopeless since Kevin Brown and Javy Vasquez were on the mound in game 7.

Anonymous said...

Thanks, Rufus - - I own it on vinyl, too - - and it will come in handy more than once this season, I'm sure. LB (No J)

P.S. - - Joey Blue Binders managed to CLIP us again!!

Anonymous said...

GIRARDI IS OUT OF HIS MIND.

ISN'T IT AMAZING HOW HE HAS NO PROBLEM PUTTING CLIPPARD IN FOR 2 INNINGS, BUT REFUSES TO USE BETANCES FOR 2? .....AMAZING..... WHY DOESN'T HIS BINDER TELL HIM BETANCES HAS NOT BEEN PITCHING MUCH LATELY?