Sunday, June 18, 2017

BREAKING... BREAKING... Today, at exactly 5:02 p.m. E.D.T.: INTERNATIONAL JUJU INTERVENTION

Mrs. Peel, we're needed.
BREAKING, BREAKING, BREAKING... 

People of Earth: At exactly 5:02 p.m. - (the "02" signifying Derek Jeter's jersey) - all card-carrying members the worldwide Yankee Juju Stream Intelligentsia are hereby instructed to approach your TVs, computers, radios or dental implant listening devices - aka your conduits for receiving Yankee telepathic transmissions - and project your most powerful Rizzutoplasmic ejaculations and ejections in the estimated direction of Oakland, California.

This may require you to occupy a certain juju chair (aka a sitting device, such as Lazy-Boy recliner, bean bag or milk carton), or stand in a certain strategic corner or closet or - if it works for you - "CHARGE THE MOUND." (Make no mistake: I shall be charging my own personal mound, and if that sounds sexual, it's on you.) The key is to find and use your signature move. Consider "The Lookaway." Whatever your situation, apply your strategy.

Keep in mind that past juju interventions have not always brought instant miracles. In fact, one might have doomed Yangervis Solarte. Still, they generally bring delayed effects. 

BREAKING, IMPORTANT, BREAKING...

INTERNATIONAL JUJU INTERVENTION

TODAY: 5:02 P.M., 
EASTERN DAYLIGHT TIME. 

Soldiers, I'm not going to sugarcoat this. Any time you make a direct appeal to the Juju Gods, you are heading into uncharted territory. Take a look at the fan to your left and then at the fan to your right. By the end of this day, one of them might not be watching the Yankees any more. 

But desperate times call for desperate juju. We simply cannot sit around and watch the 2017 Yankees fold their tents like be-nippled girl scouts. It is time to take action. It is time to make a difference. 

9 comments:

13bit said...

I will obey.....

DutchFan said...

Just to be sure and things.
Is there any particular reason the intervention is done at this specific moment. I understand the Jeter-factor, but 10.02pm seems so randomly in the middle of the game. Maybe I should say that I am struggling with what I can do when 10.02 is between innings and thus there are Dutch commercials being played. How do I correctly will the team when I am looking at half-naked girls smoking reefers (this is Holland, mind you) promoting kale-flavored condoms?

Is there any time-space continuum factor that I have to address with regard to the fact that I am in Europe?

Lastly, is it OK to wear my white Yankees cap even though we are basically mourning?

DutchFan said...

Obviously it is 11.02pm rotterdam time.

Anonymous said...

Yes, Master, 5:02 PM, it is. I cannot reveal my double-secret JuJu move, of course, because that would invalidate it...but in spite of the fact that I have little faith in the team we've been fielding, I will comply, as per USC, 1806, Subsection C, Paragraph 3 - - unless, of course, I am distracted by the lovely IBS lady, and her new commercial, where she jumps in bed between the loving couple...

I fear the team will still be wearing those awful uniforms with the lt. blue caps & numerals today - - UGH. Guess that, at least, they're better than those pink bats & caps.

Despite all this, we must look on the positive side: the economy is looking great (for Prince Food-Stamps), Randy Levine is eagerly anticipating his massive tax-cut, we're making progress on infrastructure, there are lotsa' jobs opening up (selling hot-dogs & ice-cream sandwiches), MLB has cut regulations considerably, and all of this, in spite of the greatest Bitch-Hunt in the history of baseball!! (Oops, sorry - - covfefe in that last sentence)

DutchFan, If you've got pot and half-naked girls, not to mention Heiniken, be careful, or you'll likely MISS the whole intervention - - and you probably won't even notice. Also - - a white Yankees' cap somehow just doesn't seem - - um - - de rigeur - - but you're on your own. Please just quit trying to make the rest of us feel envious - - most of us are too old to feel, anyway.

As Bob Hope is reputed to have said: I don't feel old - - actually, before noon, I don't feel anything; and after noon, I feel like it's time for my nap. LB (No J)

Anonymous said...

I SERIOUSLY DON'T THINK JUJU CAN OVERCOME,

HEADLEY

CARTER

ROMINE


EL DUQUE, ALPHONSO..... PLEASE FIND OUT OUR RECORD WHEN THESE 3 GUYS ARE IN OUR STARTING LINEUP.

Alphonso said...

Early in the season, we played Torreyes and Bird, as well. That record was shockingly good.

Then Didi returned ( he was great ) and then Sanchez ( he started slowly, but started to become great ); Carter has to replace Bird (6-60 ); and Headley remained the constant.

Headley was hot , then, and not so hot lately.

Everyone was hitting homers and now, not so much.

But the real issue is the pitching.

Tankaka has been " weak-armed " all season and, as a result, is highly inconsistent; CC went down: Pineda isn't all that good when his " best stuff" evades him; Luis still makes early mistakes, and Montgomery is a below .500 starter ( rookie ). Add to that the loss of El Chappo and the bullpen got over-stretched. We have seen this before.

And with no starter able to go 8 innings, the bullpen simply rotates through exhaustion.

Finally, the league is catching up to Aaron Judge, Hicks is down, Jacoby is gone for weeks, Holliday's age is showing, Gardy needs a rest, Sanchez gets nicked.....blah, blah.

Suddenly, with everyone trying to hit home runs, we have a team only capable of scoring two runs.

And we no longer come back or hold leads.

In other words, we are sliding into the pit.

Ken of Brooklyn said...

I missed the game because I was attending a funeral. Sounds like you were watching & listening to one as well,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

John M said...

My only optimistic note is that Boston sucks, also. We've lost five in a row, and they remain one game out. Baltimore isn't even a .500 team anymore. And is anyone really worried about Tampa? Then there's Toronto. It's pretty difficult to overcome the disastrous start they had, but ya never know.

Maybe it's the stars aligning to make the entire division crappy all at once. We have a day off tomorrow, I think, so that will help a little. We're coming back from the horrors of California. Everyone's internal clocks will sigh in relief as they get back to EDT. Chapman will not right the pen by himself; it will take a little time. Judge has to adjust to the adjustment, like any good player does. But we need Hicks back (I still can't believe I'm typing those words) and also Sanchez.

If there's one thing to be learned about this team from the season to date, it's that they're streaky as heck. The starters look like Cy Youngsters for a while, then look like Carl Pavanos. The bullpen has six Marianos, then they all turn into Chris Bootcheck.

Home is a friendly place. Hopefully we get back without further injury in today's "contest."

Anonymous said...

For once, I'm thankful there's no game tomorrow. Let' limp home, lick our wounds, and declare a new start...although we have to play the might LA Angels from Anaheim, again - - who, even Trout-less, stomped us last week. Maybe we should just forfeit - - or offer to trade Joey, and a PTBNL (or three) for Scioscia. On second thought, I've always disliked that fat-faced, pasta-slurping slob. Can't win for losing. LB (No J)