Last night, the Orioles were funneling dark matter juju in the dugout. The cameras caught it. MLB won't do anything. We have only one hope: A stronger, homemade, mass juju intervention.
Folks, this is it. That little bunt that stayed fair, that bat shard that wrecked Joba's elbow, the blades of grass that let Swish slide too far to stop a double - that's not player skill. That's not random reality. Folks, that's juju. And tonight, it's time for us to stop whining at Grandyman and take over control of your television set.
Calling all Yankee Fans:
This is an
INTERNATIONAL JUJU
INTERVENTION ALERT.
Sex addicts, you know what to do. If you can't get to the game, for an honest Rest Room Toilet Stall Video, hit the nearest can. Doesn't matter where you are. The Yankees went on a five-game winning streak after the recent Yankee sex video came out. Don't ask why. It will be explained in the next life. If people are banging on the walls, lock the stall, dammit. THIS IS A ONE-GAME SEASON.
Dying celebrities, you know what to do. The Yankees traditionally have gone on winning streaks after Hollywood Square-types die. Andy Williams was just the latest example. I'm not asking you to jump from a window, Paulie Shore, or Betty White, or any of you. I'm just saying if you croak next Tuesday, you'll probably outlive Nick Swisher's Yankee career. Remember that Dustin Hoffman movie, "Little Big Man," where the cute little Indian chief says, "This is a good day to die?" Well, Kristie, this is a good day to die. Good grief, you'll score much longer tributes on the weekend news cycle. And we can use a base hit. If I were a celebrity, I would do it. Hell, we all would.
The rest of you, you know what to do. Start in a faraway room. Ponder what a worthless piece of rotted flesh you turned out to be, and how you never done nuthin for nobody no how - until now. Then charge the mound. Run directly to the TV set, concentrating on the Yankees, and place your hand softly on the flat screen. You will feel a kinetic energy. You will hear a tiny crackle. That's not juju. That's static electricity, OK? Doesn't matter. Just do it. IF YOU DO IT, WE WILL WIN! Understand? IF WE ALL JUST DO IT, WE WILL WIN!
Comrades, the future of the country is at stake. If the Yankees go down, the terrorists win. Don't let Baltimore out-juju the New York Yankees in our own house.
IT IS TIME TO TAKE BACK OUR GAME. Tonite, the bunt rolls foul.
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