Yankeexculsive: Larry Craig's Rest Room Etiquette

By Sen. Larry Craig

Special to IT IS HIGH

Hey, Yankee fans, if you’re like me, the first thing you wanna do after a long flight is hit the "Grand Old Potty" (as Denny Hastert used to say) and do your business. Sadly, it’s not as simple as it sounds. That’s why I’m posting my favorite tips on technique.

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1. After attaining the proper squat, I always tap out a lucky, how-de-do rhythm on the stall. I use my hands and go,

Bam-BOOM! Boom-ba-BOOM! THUMP-THUMP BING!

It's sort of like me saying in my secret jungle code...

"I'M HERE! SO'Z MY REAR! DEAL WITH IT!"

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2. Next, I spread my legs wide as a canyon, putting a foot right into that next stall. To get traction, I push my shoe right up against my neighbor's. He knows I'm a proud jungle warrior, a grunting drummer-man, telling his bowels, "Get to work, you bastards." He knows I'm doing my business, and it's gonna stink to high hell in here. He better flush and go NOW!
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3. Then I feel to see what’s on the other side of that wall. Once, a buddy of mine reached under the partition and found a ten dollar bill, taped to the side. Imagine that! Ever since, I always check to see if there’s money. Or a telephone number! Like they say at the lottery: Hey, you never know!

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4. Sometimes, my neighbor reaches out and shakes my hand. At least, I think it's my hand. Hey, you DO never know! Anyway, I'm all for making pals! That's politics. You never know you'll meet in the sky crapper. You might just win the vote that wins the next election for the GOP!

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Hey, if there’s something wrong with meeting folks on the C-mode, dammit, I plead guilty.