Wednesday, December 11, 2019

Dear Mr. Steinbrenner, at long last, you are owner of the New York Yankees

Yo, Hal, we did it!

As the fates intended, Gerrit Cole shall be a Yankee. 

Suck on this, Redsock fans: Our 2020 rotation, as of today:

Gerrit Cole
Luis Severino
Masahiro Tanaka
James Paxton
Domingo German
J.A. Happ
Jordan Montgomery

Jonathan Loaisiga
Deivi Garcia

I'm going drinking. But first...

Dear Hal,

Congratulations! At long last, you have become the owner of the New York Yankees.

For many years now, you merely occupied an office where an owner was supposed to work. You quibbled and quivered, straddled and stumbled, always flinching at the last moment, fearful of that all-important bottom line, refusing to go all-in on the team that your father left you... whether you wanted it or not.

It was his team, his legacy, the extension of his domineering presence - his obsession - which overwhelmed you through the first half-century of your life. Last week, you turned 50 with the Yankiverse hardly taking notice.

Today, the Yankees are your team, your investment, the extension of your psyche. 

Welcome to our Great and Astonishing Show.

Listen: We won't always see eye-to-eye. When your Yankees lose - as of course they will - we die-hard fans will shriek, and moan, and prosecute, and bellow to the heavens for sacrificial blood. You know that. It is the underside of owning the New York Yankees. It cannot change... because we care.

That's right: Because. We. Care.

For years, we've had the feeling that you didn't. And that was the problem.

Today, on behalf of the Yankiverse, I say this:

Welcome to the Yankees. It's good to have you all-in, all aboard.

Let the Roaring Twenties begin! This could be a great Yankee decade!

Yours truly,

El Duque

(Oh, and while I have you: Don't be going cheap on us now: Sign Dellin Betances!) 


Jetandymo said...

Thank you Hal from all the Yankee fans!!! We will now return to the days of pennants and World Championships!!! This was a move that reminds me of acquiring Catfish in 1975 New Year's Eve!!, and CC in 2008!!.. So smart!! You have done it!!

13bit said...


ranger_lp said...

Thank Stevie Cohen...we have to out do the Mets now that they can spend money...

TheWinWarblist said...

Fuck you Hal. That rotation should include my Corbin. I shall never forgive you for stealing a decade from all of us.

Parson Tom said...

Is it possible? Do we finally have an ace? Not since CC's first two seasons -- and even then he was not a guaranteed win when we needed it -- have we had a Top 5 pitcher in the league. Now it appears we have The No. 1. Of course, pitchers can go kablooey real fast, and now that we have Cole that's going to be an all-consuming worry. But enough of borrowing trouble. This is good news, indeed.

(The money is amazing -- beyond amazing. Good for Gerritt Cole and his descendants for the next 20 generations.)

13bit said...

Winnie, you are correct and he will always be a cheap sack of shit, but he is now OUR cheap sack of shit and we must show the billionaire baby some love and respect. For whatever reasons, he did absolutely the right thing. I think we need to start organizing the yearly I I H ramble early. Let’s start discussing dates in another few weeks.

Honey Barnes said...

Hmmmm. Good pitching beats good hitting. Now your talking.

TheWinWarblist said...

Bitty, I will not soften my anger at what has been. Never. But the wretched crabbed misshapen prick might earn some approval in the future. Might. WCMP [wretched crabbed misshapen prick] might turn up in these pages a few more times. I will start showing the WCMP some respect when the rest of the MLB starts whining again about the Yankees being too good and too wealthy and winning too many WS.

Fuck you Hal. What took you so long, you scabrous infected bleeding fouled anus on this Storied and Magnificent Franchise.

13bit said...

Just so you all know, my early morning delusional rants are done in bed, pecking away at my iPhone, so I am unable to freely bloviate and blow it out my ass in the windbag fashion that you are all accustomed to. My apologies. Breaking news must be responded to quickly, though.

Here is another thought, and I know you all feel this way, but we now that that not-so-intangible thing again - the presence of a stud on the bench. I cannot help but think he will inspire and life up our other pitchers. Something about having a two-foot long shlong flapping about nearby increases the length and girth of the penises on our numbers 3 through 5 pitchers. Tanaka is just fine, thank you, and I think he's a natural in the Number 2 slot. Also, if Sevy comes back strong, if Domingo is released from jail, and if the others show up, we have a real rotation. You build it from the top. Adding number 3 and 4 guys all those years just diluted us. Adding a number 1 guy makes us much stronger. AND, now that Larry Nutsack has ridden into the sunset, maybe our other guys will get better in other ways, as well.

I am sorry to see Didi go and would have kept him over Gardy in a hot flash. I'll always feel that way, even if Gardy juices his way to another 20 homers this year. I think it was a dumb move.

Anyway, once they announce the schedule or by mid March, whichever comes first, let's start talking about a date in August for a Huckleberry Jamboree in the Cheap Seats.

13bit said...

Fucking auto fucking correct no edit aargh...

JM said...

36 million bucks a year for throwing a baseball. Well, better in his pocket than the cheap billionaire bastard child.

To paraphrase Robert Klein, 36 million dollars a year to play baseball, and Jonas Salk is sitting in a corner somewhere sucking a prune.

Now I'm really worried, because I have little to carp about. I will miss the great Sir Didi, though, that's for sure.

We shouldn't be done for the winter. There are question marks in the bullpen, and none of them sing with the Mysterians. How about our "closer"? Yeah, we're stuck with him, but Zach/k is getting a tad ripe to count on as the backup. Maybe.

And Marte. Marte would be nice. We're not gonna sign the castoffs to another year anyway, and Clint will be gone for some sack o' beans, I imagine.

13bit said...

Also, just watch. Didi is going to rip up the league this year. He's playing for his big payday contract in 2021. It was a bad move to lose him.

Anonymous said...

What can I say?

First of all, as usual, Duque eloquently states what needs to be stated.

Welcome aboard Hal.

Your name now rhymes with Pal and Shall, instead of Mal and
Cheap Fuck.

Well done sir. Thank you.

Since no decision this large is made alone there are several people deserving of thanks as well...

Starting with the aforementioned Steve Cohen.

Nothing like the threat of another billionaire who actually wants to win and recognizes that he has a LOT of money that will never get spent.

As the great Max Biallystock once said, and I'm paraphrasing here, "I want to buy a toy. I've worked very hard and I deserve a toy."

Thank you Steve Cohen.

Thank you Dr. Cohen as well. Who is Dr. Cohen? Hal's shrink. Finally a breakthrough.

Hal now understands that the best way to destroy his father's legacy and get the revenge he subconsciously seeks is to better him at the thing he loved most, running the Yankees and bringing championships to New York.

Now if he can only help him deal with that time he saw Yogi Berra's penis.

I kid. I kid. It was Gene Woodling's.

and last I must congratulate... US!

We were relentless. The voice of the true fan. Lifelong fans whose faith and knowledge spans decades. Who's anger was righteous and who's cause was just.

We haunted his dreams.

That plane we rented to fly the banner, "C'mon Hal. Spend the money" and those 300 drones, 299 of which dangled a picture of Alphonso and the last of which a dangled a picture of Gene Woodling, proved more than his fragile psyche could take.

Today is a good day.

Doug K.

Ken of Brooklyn said...

Somehow Hal has heard our epic collective groan of perpetual cheapskate angst and has stepped up mightily $$$$$$$, for whatever reason, I do not care!
I absolutely agree with 13Bit, my boycott on the stadium has no been lifted and we should do our second annual IIH ramble early to celebrate this unfathomable occasion.
I'm all in folks!!!!


Anonymous said...


I loved that album. There was a time when I could do the whole thing verbatim.

Everybody talks about Lenny, and George Carlin, and Richard Pryor but Robert Klein shaped stand up just as much and deserves a place in that pantheon as well.


Anonymous said...

Cole in the stocking! Merry Christmas!

Ken of Brooklyn said...

@ 13Bit, I agree, LOVE the idea of another meetup in those shaded nose bleed seats in August, perfect in every sense.

HoraceClarke66 said...

That WAS a great Klein album. "Are you a Yankee Junior?"

I got to meet Klein once, and asked who the drunken Yank in the routine was. He told me it was Hank Bauer. Who, in fairness, served 32 months of combat as a Marine in the Pacific during WW II, and was wounded three times. I guess he was entitled to a drink.

13bit said...

We will definitely do another meetup, and I like the "cheap seat" aspect of it. After all, we are rough and ready men (and women) and need to occupy the lofty heights. No need for those cushy boxes for us. We do baseball the old fashioned way. Let's just wait until after the holidays, when our Gerrit Cole-induced erections have finally subsided, to start planning. We may need a committee this time. And superhero costumes.

Anonymous said...

I don't know about bringing back Dellin Betances. When he's good, he's really good, but when he's bad.... I think we should pass on him. We should try to swing a trade for someone more consistent, even if less spectacular. I saw one too many innings by Dellin where he loaded the bases on walks, threw three wild pitches/passed balls in the dirt, made a balk, allowed four stolen bases, including home plate while he was holding the ball and unable to throw home because he can only throw two pitches, 98 mph fastball and wicked slider, and throwing out a runner at home is not in his arsenal. All that in one disastrous inning. Do we want to see more of those?

The Hammer of God

Alphonso said...

How can you put Domingo on that list?

He hasn't even been penalized yet.

MLB will extract far more in 2020 than they did in 2019. This year, they simply penalized the Yankees' chance to compete for the World Series.

Why isn't there anyone in creation who knows the facts here?

Were there no witnesses besides the MLB executive mole? The whistleblower?

Not a waiter, a busboy, a doorman, an ambulance driver, a cop a neighbor, a waitress, or a
family member?

Did this alleged offense occur on a raft in the middle of the Atlantic ocean?

Do we have access to bank records? Can we trace huge transfers of funds?

What are they saying in Boston?

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