Friday, December 6, 2019

The Yankiverse loves how our owner has opened his pocketbook... unless he hasn't.

DING-DONG, DING-DONG... It's the most wonderful time of the ye- DING-DONG, DING-DONG! With kids jingle-belling and everyone telling you be of good cheeeeeer... It's the most wonderful time... 

Yes, everywhere, folks are mistletoeing, and hope is flowing like golden pee on a red sleigh. What's this? you say? Did we win another war on Christmas? Hell, no. It's Old Scrooge McSteinbrenner, bellowing hope from his bedroom window. He just awoke from a nightmare, where he was visited by three Yankee ghosts -- the past (Don Mattingly), the present (Giancarlo Stanton) and the future (Jasson Dominguez) -- and he's been transformed. He's shouting, "MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYBODY! AND SIGN GERRIT COLE!" Down in the cobblestone streets, urchin Gammonites are milling this new holiday grist, and suddenly, the Yankiverse is alive with hope! We're back to putting gifts under the tree and lifting the dreaded curse that has haunted this team since 2004...

Unless it doesn't happen. 

Sorry, folks. I hate to play Grinch in this wondrous landscape of gingerbread houses and marshmallow snow. The fact that the Death Star flew across country, brought in Andy Pettitte and their Mayor Pete pitching coach, and spent four hours wooing Gerrit Cole with card tricks and foot massages is - indeed - praiseworthy news. From the standpoint of publicity, the Yankees are pushing all the right buttons. And now, supposedly, Chairman Hal has issued a proclamation indicating that the Yankees - winners of the 2009 World Championship - will offer whatever it takes to bring King Cole to Gotham. That the Mets may have a new billionaire owner willing to do the same has nothing to do with this abrupt epiphany of jubilation and awe. It's Christmas, everybody. Santa is back!

Only one thing... 

We haven't seen a bottom line. And neither has Hal Kringle.

Supposedly, the Los Angeles California Angels of Anaheim plan to deck the halls with Cole's contract. And no one in this millennium has accused the Dodgers of being cheap. The Cubs lie in wait. When it comes to pitching, I wouldn't sleep on St. Louis, Seattle, Texas, San Diego, Toronto - even Boston, those dirty snakes. It's great to be "all in" on the bidding. But until the Yankees come away with the prize, with all respect to Frank Capra... it's a wonderful lie.

What we have is a franchise striving to raise hope and good will within its fan base, which has been numbed by 10 years of disappointment. If the Yankees convince their fans that they did everything possible - but that greedy Grinch Gerrit simply wanted too much - (it's called gas-lighting, folks) - then the websites and bloggers will side with our poor-mouthing billionaire at the top, and actually celebrate that the Yankees saved money. It's like the Stockholm Syndrome, where the hostage takes on the views of his captors. We start worrying about luxury taxes, as if the Yankees don't have enough money to pay them.

Listen: I'm happy that the Yankees brought in Andy Pettitte to talk sense into Cole. New York remains baseball's greatest stage. If it mattered, I would have brought along CC, or Coney, or Suzyn, or Whitey Ford - anybody who could testify to what Cole will miss if he face-plants in Timbuktu. But at some point, it will all come down to Hal Steinbrenner signing a massive check to a player - (the Stanton deal two years ago was so seemingly lop-sided, he had to go along with it) - and let's just say, we shall see. 

Christmas is still three weeks away. This story is just beginning. Hal may yet get visited by a ghost or two. Let's hope one of them isn't Jacoby Marley.


Anonymous said...

I'm afraid that what you have written will turn out to be the absolute truth.
An elaborate PR campaign to fool the fans one more time. The Yankees will end
up with a third rate pitcher instead of Cole.

The Ghost of Gio Gonzalez said...

Third rate? You flatter me, sir!

13bit said...

You know, I have been as cynical about Hal as anyone. Yesterday, though, when I read the latest news flashes about the USS Cole situation, even I felt a tiny tingle at the base of my scrotum. I started to have that most awful commodity - hope. As an ex-but-long-time Jets fan, I know all about that tingle. It's what a tiny seed feels in April, just before the last big blizzard comes along to kill it. It's what a baby squirrel feels as it looks up into the mouth of the bobcat that just ate its mom.

My heart wants to believe the Yankee punditocracy, with their breathless rumors, my head says that Duque is probably speaking the truth. What does it cost these billionaires to mount a publicity campaign like this? A few plane tickets, really, and a hotel bill, which they'll write off, anyway. "Make it look good, Cash." I'm tired of reading about how cheap I am. Did you ever find out who flew that skywriter over the stadium that said "Food Stamps Hal?" I want to throw the book at them."

"Make it look good." is probably the watchword in the back office these days. I'm not talking about the front office, where the watchword is "watch out and don't get caught alone with Randy in the conference room." The back office, affectionately known as "Ass Land" among the cognoscenti, is where the dirty tricks happen. It's where the black bag gang hangs out. It's where the real shit happens.

JM said...

Bah! Humbug!

ranger_lp said...

@13bit...just like Dallas Keuchel...missed by 1 million...but we were attempted buyers...

TheWinWarblist said...

I'm still on vacation; is it too early to start drinking?

Fuck Hal.

Anonymous said...

Cole. Bowl. Stole. Cajole. Fillet of Sole. Profiterole. Honey West's Mole.

Yeah, I'm ready.

Will we get him? Well money talks. And so do unnamed "friends" and "sources close to the pitcher" who know his REAL desires.

According to “them”

1) Cole wants to win a World Series:

Who doesn't? But I get it. He wants to be on a team that will compete every year.

Angels? Nope
Dodgers? Yup.
Boston? Can't even sign Mookie.

Houston? Been there done that.
Mets? They have pitching. Also "Axe" Cohen isn't in charge yet.
St. Louis? I guess.

So Us and LA.

2) He's an information freak. Loves him some analytics.

While other teams are mired in the past and are so out of touch they would hire Cousin Brucie to analyze spin rate. (Sorry that was a long way to go for that one) the Yankees are committed to what is called “Deep Anal-lytics.

Basically pitchers will be submitting stool samples between innings to see what pitches would be best based on the energy absorbed by their colons.

Let’s look at the competition.

Angeles? Nope.
LA? I don't know. Great pitching though.
Boston? I'm just going to stop writing them down.

Houston? Yep. + the extra knowledge that comes from being cheaters.

San Diego? Just hired Larry Rothschild. Seriously. Forget modern analytics, Larry just ordered a bucket of liniment and a barrel of leeches.

So we win again!

3) He is a nutrition freak.

From this point on, consider us “Chefs of the Future!”

I happen to know that the Yankees have been developing “Soylent Blue.”

I don’t know what’s in it but has anybody seen Whitey Ford lately?

4) He loves Southern CA

After he’s done pitching he can always just buy it.

So in conclusion Cole will sign with us!!!!!

Unless another team offers him more money.

Doug K.

Anonymous said...

Cashman was on TV this morning promoting his annual rappel off a building in Connecticut for charity. He all but promised the Yankees fans a first-rate, top-of-the-line starting pitcher. He talked primarily about Cole but also mention Strasburg. It actually was stunning to watch. He sounded so believable. I only wish it were the case.


13bit said...

Doug, even your most brilliant post, which I thoroughly enjoyed, cannot diminish my growing erection at the idea that there is a minuscule chance we might consider thinking about possibly one day signing him.

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