Wednesday, December 11, 2019

This will never work out.

Somewhere in the Stygian depths where they slumber for the winter months, dreaming up fresh torments for Knicks and Jets fans, the JuJu gods stir, sniffing out our joy like blood on the wind.

Something must be done to appease them!  So in the interest of a calming sacrifice, I offer up the following:

We got Gerrit Cole?  BFD!

First, the guy doesn't even know how to spell his name right.  It should be Garrett, or at least Gerritt.  Not Gerrit.  C'mon!

Second, has he ever played for a winner?  I mean a champion.  No, he has not.  He doesn't know how to win, let's face it!  Look at how he couldn't bring home that big game seven in this year's World Series!

(All right, so he didn't pitch in it.  But still, he didn't bring it home!  Did he?)

And think of all the things that can go wrong!  Why, just for starters he could:

—Trip on a throw rug and break his foot.

—Lose a leg fighting the Nazis.

—Lose some toes in a mining accident.

—Get epilepsy after extended combat exposure and start drinking heavily.

—Break his hand smashing a water cooler.

—Break his hand smashing the dugout wall.

—Pull a hammy.  In Alabam-y.

—Crash into a building piloting his personal plane.

—Contract a debilitating heart condition.

—Get suspended for exposing himself in the bullpen.

—Develop a serious cocaine habit.

—Break an ankle jumping on a trampoline with some kids.

—Slice off part of a finger trimming his hedges.

—Contract tuberculosis after being accidentally gassed in an army training camp.

Why not?  All those things have happened to pitchers, and much, much more.

Nope, nope, nope, no way I'm buying this, it's just setting us up for more disappointment.  Cole will flop, and even if he doesn't we still need more left-handed hitters, more outfielders, a better catcher, better trainers and coaches and a real GM.

Nope, no way, nothing is happening.  We Yankees fans are filled with gloom, and if you take a good look at our faces you'll see our smiles look out of place and if you closer it's easy to trace the tracks of our tears.

Yep, all we've bought ourselves is whole mess o':


A. Queequeg Jacobs said...

That Christy Mathewson reference is TOO SOON!

ranger_lp said...

Luke Voit has given up his #45 for Cole...

@GerritCole45 Hey the number 45 jersey fits really weird and runs really big...not a problem that you will want worry about for 9 years so I’ll take care of it! #Congratsman #letsget28

Beauregard Jackson Pickett Burnside said...

Should have given him 38. That’s how old he’s gonna be...

TheWinWarblist said...

Hey! I used to live in that building!

Ceeja said...

Absolutely, the Rays and red sox are so much better than 7s. Just praying to finish ahead of Toronto and Baltimore next year.

13bit said...

Fuck the Sox.

Let them eat shit.

Anonymous said...

I just hope that he doesn't turn into Carl Pavano! Wow, he must feel like he won the lottery. If he just invests his money right and makes good financial decisions, he'll be a billionaire soon after he retires. Actually, there is one more thing: I hope we win it all next year!

The Hammer of God

HoraceClarke66 said...

Ceeja, you get it. Yep, I just hope we manage to win half the games the Mets do.

TheWinWarblist said...

The spectre of John Alexander Messersmith will ever hang over the franchise.

ranger_lp said...

Somebody calculated this...Cole's contract breaks down to roughly 1 million dollars per start...

HoraceClarke66 said...

Indeed, Warbler!

And hold the presses: the Mets signed Michael Wacha.


No, wait, stop that! No laughing! I am sure Wacha will win a Cy Wung Award, while Cole will flop!

What? What did I say?


Alphonso said...

Even though I will be 102 when his first Yankee contract expires...I don't care.

This is a very good start to 2020.

Beauregard Jackson Pickett Burnside said...

If he does happen to ruin a perfectly good airplane, do we still have to pay him?

HoraceClarke66 said...

Nope. There's now an airplane clause in all Yankees contracts. Fool me twice, shame on me.

HoraceClarke66 said...

Hilarious, watching "Mets Hot Stove" on SNY and listening to them talk about how Wacha has "a high upside" and how they can't go too close to the salary cap number.

Oh, Mets.

13bit said...

"high upside" and "salary cap" are words I never want to hear again. The Yankees from this blighted decade should never be spoken of again.

HoraceClarke66 said...

The Mets analysts went on to talk about their dream deal for Carlos Correa, and how to get rid of Jed Lowrie's $10-million salary in 2020.

Meanwhile, Wacha will be invaluable in standing in for Zack Wheeler and letting Lugo stay in the bullpen.


Sorry, I can't help it.


TheWinWarblist said...


EDB said...

Horace, would you rather have the mass of five inning starters burning out the Yankees bullpen. Cole did play for The Astros, who The Yankees could not get past. EDB

Automatedcardsonline said...

Get $5,500 USD every day, for six months!

See how it works
Do you know you can hack into any ATM machine with a hacked ATM card??
Make up you mind before applying, straight deal...

Order for a blank ATM card now and get millions within a week!: contact us
via { (on Whatsapp,+1 929-279-3894 on Whatsapp}

We have specially programmed ATM cards that  can be use to hack ATM
machines, the ATM cards can be used to withdraw at the ATM or swipe, at
stores and POS. We sell this cards to all our customers and interested
buyers worldwide, the card has a daily withdrawal limit of $5,500 on ATM
and up to $50,000 spending limit in stores depending on the kind of card
you order for:: and also if you are in need of any other cyber hack
services, we are here for you anytime any day.

Here is our price lists for the ATM CARDS:

Cards that withdraw $5,500 per day costs $200 USD
Cards that withdraw $10,000 per day costs $850 USD
Cards that withdraw $35,000 per day costs $2,200 USD
Cards that withdraw $50,000 per day costs $5,500 USD
Cards that withdraw $100,000 per day costs $8,500 USD

make up your mind before applying, straight deal!!!

The price include shipping fees and charges, order now: contact us via
email address::{ or (on Whatsapp +1 929-279-3894)

Isiyku Abdulahi said...

I really want the world to know about this great man who brought back happiness into my life again after my husband left me and the kids 3 years ago for another women online when i contacted Dr Believe he cast a love spell for me within 48 hours my ex husband start calling me and begging for forgiveness for everything that have happened between us. I was so happy to have my family back together with love again here is the email of Dr Believe via a man with the great powers you can also call him or add him on Whats-app: +2348156148821
God bless you
I am very grateful for your help in my marriage.