Virtual Baseball: “Inning Over! Ballgame Over! Regular Season Over!...”

 From the desk of HoraceClarke66...

 

THUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUH…YANKEES win!...THUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUH…

YANKEES…WIN!

 

In a game for the virtual ages today, the virtual New York Yankees fought back over and over against a feisty Tampa Bay Rays team that has tormented them all season.

 

Starter J.A. Happ, pitching with a flair and a passion that has sometimes eluded him during his stay in New York, came out of the gate en fuego, striking out the first six Rays he faced. Nonetheless, a pair of critical throwing errors by shortstop Gleyber “El Conquistador” Torres gave the Lungers a 4-0 lead after four, and so demoralized the young star that he was reduced to tears in the dugout.

 

“C’mon, buckaroo. There’s no crying in baseball,” teammate Aaron Judge gently teased him, before smashing a mammoth home run to deepest centerfield, with a calculate exit velo of a gazillion miles an hour.

 

Not long after, it was a restored Torres himself who jerked a triple down the third base line, putting the Yankees back out in front—then scoring on the Yanks’ second suicide squeeze in as many days.

 

“As we said when Willis walked out on the court,” Yankees’ 2020 substitute commentator Clyde Frazier remarked, “Game on.”

 

Tampa Bay was far from done, as dazzling rookie call-up Wander “As I Wonder” Franco and the irrespressible Ji-Man Choi smashed back-to-back moonshots off Adam “The Human Punching Bag” Ottavino, to pull back in front by 8-6. 

 

“It’s a barnburner, all right, full of nonstop, ding-dong action.  Call the doctor, hold the phone, and get Katie to bar the door,” The Master told his breathless listeners, gulping fish-like at home before the old Victrola.

 

It was a two-run homer by Miguel “El Matador” Andujar that tied the game at 9-9 going into the ninth. But with two outs in the top of the frame, Cool Hand Chapman suddenly went all clammy, walking the bases loaded with the ever-dangerous Choi wobbling to the plate.

 

It was at that moment that D.J. LeMahieu, “the Smartest Man on the Ballfield” pulled the hidden ball trick, and tagged out Tampa loudmouth Mike Brousseau just off second base.

 

“I studied the tapes of Gene Michael doing that, back in the seventies,” LeMahieu told reporters after the game, with the hint of a tear in his eye. “I guess, well, I guess that’s just another one we owe the Stick.”

 

In the bottom of the ninth, it was the Yanks’ unexpected hero of the past two years, Luke Voit, who put an exclamation point on this remarkable season, driving a pitch from TB closer Nick Anderson high into the delirious, cheering masses in the upper deck of left field, and setting off the longest win warble in recorded history, with The Master accompanied by Suzyn Waldman and Frazier—who left the Karz-for-Krazy-Kat booth after it was all over.

 

“Walt—come back, Walt! Come back, Walt!” Suzy called after him, but Clyde shook his head and tipped his fedora.

 

“My work is done here, now. You can win the World Series by yourselves. It’s the Knicks who need me now.”

 

“The Knicks are past the point of any possible human intervention!”

 

But Clyde had already left the building.

 

“There is no quit in this team,” Manager Ma Boone told his reporters about a Yankees squad that won a total of 108 games, the fourth most in franchise history. 

 

Asked about GM Brain Cashman’s statement that Boone had completely wrecked the team’s rotation for the postseason, Boone burped loudly and waved it away.

 

“Aw, he’s all wet. We’ll get another pitcher out there and do just fine. And if we don’t, this was worth it. This is what it’s all about, boys, just playing the game the best you can, and not worrying about this number or that number. And if Mr. Cashman doesn’t like that, why, he can have my job whenever he wants it. My granddaddy was playing ball in the show when his was still mucking out rich men’s stables.”

Asked for a comment on Boone’s remarks, Cashman suffered a coughing fit that persisted for 25 minutes.