Virtual Off-Day: Yanks Prepare for Next Round, Mets Strut Their Stuff. Pangolin Panic on Wall Street!

 By HoraceClarke66

The New York Yankees took a rare breather today, while reflecting on a season in which they won 108 games, hit a new, MLB-record 416 home runs, and narrowly avoided bizarre deaths on several different occasions.

 

“Well, it’s not your usual season when the team plane has to make an emergency landing on the Mets’ playing field,” said Yankees’ infielder D.J. LeMahieu, the likely AL MVP due to his batting title and generally brilliant, all-around play. “But it is fun.”

 

Starting the first game will be Yanks ace Gerrit Cole, an almost certain pick for the Cy Young Award—a selection that would mark the first time the Yanks have boasted both the MVP and the Cy Young winners since 1961. 

 

Their first-round opponent will be the winner of the Tampa Bay-Cleveland Wild Card Play-In game, while the Athletics will host the AL Central champ Pale Hose. 

 

Over in the NL, Mets players pranced gleefully through a media workout at the Stadium Formerly Known as Shea, and gave all credit to how the man known as Gardy had put a spark in the team once he came over fro the Yankees.

 

“They were already good.  I just had to tell them how good,” Gardner told reporters. “And remember:  we’re playing so we don’t have to wear those Amazon penises on our shirts.  We take this very seriously.”

 

Jacob deGrom will almost certainly win another Cy Young for these Mets, while a revived Robinson Cano—revived by repeated kicks to his caboose from his old teammate—somehow snuck off with the NL batting title.  Dom Smith led the league in RBI, while Michael Conforto is a leading contender for the MVP, and the “Bronx Trio” of Dellin Betances, Justin Wilson, and Chasen Shreve, managed to miraculously stabilize the Mets’ ever-shaky bullpen.

 

As the team with the second best record in the Senior Circuit, the Flushing crew will place Central Champ Chicago first.  The other division series will pit L.A. against the winner of the Atlanta-Marlins play-in.

 

But all baseball took a backseat to the strange scene down on Wall Street, where traders and brokers staggered about the sidewalks projectile vomiting—victims of some weird virus they were said to have contracted originally from Yankee Stadium’s now shuttered Pangolin House. 

 

Victims of the virus were so plentiful that the NYSE suspended trading for the afternoon—thereby at least halting the dizzying descent of the Red Bear market for at least a day.

 

“There is no truth to any such rumors,” said Yankee spokesman and creature Lonn Trost in response to the reports.  “No virus started here.  The only things to be found on our Yankee Dogs are good old, American rat feces.  Now—ulp!  Aargh, URFF!”

 

Trost bolted away from the press conference at that point, setting off a near panic in the press corps.

 

Playoffs begin tomorrow!