Coco Crisp, anxious over trade rumors, buys $3 million "getaway"

Coco (his real name is Covelli, by the way) Crisp recently closed on a $3 million home in a gated community in California called Rancho Mirage.

The trade talk must be driving him nuts! Poor fellow needs to escape now and then, we guess. Heck, the community is located within two miles of at least 37 country clubs. No lie.

Mom, why oh why didn't you make me practice more baseball when I was a kid?

Requiem for Coco

The days grow short for Mr. Crisp.

Alas, he has been branded the modern day Wally Pipp, the bruised banana in the champion bunch, the lame-duck centerfielder, to be offered around like an Amway dealership in Utica.

So it goes: Coco a-Gogo, a slick-fielding everyman trying desperately to mount a campaign against The Audacity of Hype: Jacoby Ellsbury, who at 24 is the oldest prospect among Baseball America's top 20.

For Coco, they're writing the eulogy.

It does not require much detective work to figure out that there is virtually no trade market for Coco Crisp right now. In other words, for Crisp’s sake, Jacoby Ellsbury sure picked a bad time to become a breakout phenom.

Alas, poor Coco! We knew him, a fellow of infinite jest. He hath bore them on his back a thousand times, and now how abhorred in their imagination he is.