Yankees Release Torture Photos

Children are advised not to read further.

The truth is, we have committed heinous acts against humanity,

such as...

Manboarding.

Bleacher piercing.

Topical burns from beer acid.

Pain spray.

Face rubbing.

Nipple electrodes.

Can Pappi Beat DiMaggio's 56-game Streak?

As the days grow longer, pressure is growing on David Ortiz to stay homerless. He's now 20 games behind DiMaggio.

Where have you gone David Ortiz. The Nation turns its lonely eyes to you.

Boo-hoo-hoo.

Yanks Recreate Iconic Fantasttc Four-style Victory Over the Skrulls (Jays)

Last night, we played the way the Fantastic Four battles a superpowerful nemesis, like Puppet Master or Donald Trump: Sue throws a force field, Johnny burns the bastard, Ben clobbers his ass and Reed does his Cherry Twizzler thing -- simultaneously.

Unity.

Team work.

There is no "I" in Four.

And then, in the clubhouse, they feud like Reggie and Thurman.

Last night, CC (Thing) battered the Jays. Brett (Invisible Girl) took third on Cervelli's (also Invisible Girl) force-field controlled hit and run. Hideki (Human Torch) homered. Mariano (Mr. Fantastic) saved the 9th.

Sometimes, we're the World's Greatest Comic, and sometimes we're Archie and Jughead.

As Archie and Jughead, we lose.

Also, we lose as the Avengers, because everybody tries to be Thor. (Wait a minute. INSPIRATION: SHOULD JETER'S NICKNAME BE "CAPTAIN AMERICA?" Dammit, everybody: That's the el duque quote of the day!) Not sure about the X-Men here. Class? Help?

I Bleed, I Lead... My Final News Stories

At Salon. Now.

And free. You don't even have to pay for the truth.

Respect for Respect Jeter's Gangster

A great blog celebrates 100,000 views.

If you haven't checked them out, do it.

The Road Back: John Rumbles 5.81-Second Win Warble

He's not done yet. John Sterling coughs up a solid 5.81-second Win Warble over the Toronto Blue Jays.

It's not All-Sterling, but he's saving himself for the long season.

We can't expect to have our Voice of the Yankees, driven by Jeep, throwing 7.00 Win Warbles in May. Where would he be in September?

Yanks to kids: OK, don't drop dead

There's nothing like backlash to lead somebody to do the right thing.

So, after two days of constant ridicule after Trost the Terrible's "KEEP THE BRATS OUT OF MY HOUSE" speech, the Yankees put this on their Web site:


BATTING PRACTICE
Remember fans, on game days, arrive early. Yankee Stadium Gates on Babe Ruth Plaza and Gates 2 and 8, open three hours prior to the start of every home game. All fans are encouraged to arrive early to enjoy batting practice and infield workouts from select areas of the Field Level and the Bleachers; specifically, all fans may watch batting practice and infield workouts from Field Level Sections 103, 104, 105, 106, 107, 108, 109, 110, 111, 129, 130, 131, 132, 133, 134, 135 and 136 and from all Bleachers Sections. Please note, on certain game days the Yankees may elect not to take batting practice, infield workouts or both. Those fans who take advantage of the opportunity to enjoy batting practice and infield workouts from the Field Level and/or the Bleachers may remain until the players leave the field following the conclusion of the Yankees batting practice or 1 hour and 45 minutes after the Gates open. At that time, all fans will be asked to return their respective seats.

So, what the hell took so long? Why did it take them being shamed into it?

Tough Game for Pappi

What's your favorite part?

a) Another game without a HR
b) 0 for 7
c) Three strikeouts
d) Twelve LOB
e) .208
f) Pedroia went 4/6 in front of him.

She-Fan Named Official IT IS HIGH Publicist

Frankly, she's the only person who ever publicized us, so she wins the job by default.

Today, we are mentioned in the NY Times "Bats" blog, courtesy of She-Fan.

She writes about her recent trial by fire, which goes blahblahblahblah.... The It Is High blog parodied the day’s headlines with “Yanks hire Bristol Palin to stop team pregnancy.” Blahblahblahblahblah...

How can we thank her?

We'd name her "IT IS HIGH Employee of the Month," except for the dark curse the designation brings.

We'd post "She-Fan line of the day," except that only gets us into trouble.

Therefore, we can only promo her book. Here's a quiz:

In week 16 of her adventure, She-Fan dashes off an email to somebody named Jason Zillo, saying she is the author of 13 published novels, she has a contract for a nonfiction book about the Yankees, she recently had a piece in the New York Times, and she'd like press passes.

Guess Zillo's reply:

a) "Thanks for your inquiry. The Yankees treat professional writers with respect, and although we can't supply everyone with free passes to every game, we'd be delighted to extend what courtesies we can. Call me."

b) "Thanks for your inquiry. Can you send pictures of yourself?"

c) "Thanks for your inquiry. Unfortunately, we receive scores of similar requests throughout the season, and because of the overwhelming demand of media coverage, this is simply not something we can pursue."

Artistic Photo Illustration of Arod's Pursuit of Greatness

Sad to be the King

Suicide attempt. Hosptalized. Very sad.

Win Warble Index Showing Roller Coaster Ride

Pappi Getting Closer: Lonnnnnng Fly to Left

IT WAS HIGH, IT WAS FAR, IT WAS... caught.

Nearly to the warning track. PAPPI JUST MISSED IT.

Fraction of an inch on the bat. If that.

This morning, fans across New England are emboldened by the electric charge in the air that is the David Ortiz '09 Home Run Watch.

Any day now. Any minute now. KABOOOM.

Mount Pappi will erupt! And when he does, he's gonna blow the lid off the American League East.

Hall or No Hall: Part One, Bernie Williams

Thinking of Madge-Rod manning my old position in Gitmo-North makes me pretty repulsed to think about this current Yankee team. So, with every embarrassing loss that drops us another place in the standings, I get a little more nostalgic about my years in pinstripes and my three World Series rings in four years. Therefore, to keep spirits up during these trying times, I’m going to start a multiple part series titled: Hall or No Hall.

It's a game based off one of baseball’s most beloved pastimes of arguing who belongs in the Hall of Fame. We’ll look back at the key members of the pre-ARod, pre-Randy Johnson, superstar-less Yankees from ’96 to 2001 (‘cause, according to the all-knowing Buster Olney, that was the last year of the so-called dynasty) and see if they are truly Hall of Fame worthy. We’ll analyze both good and bad aspects of their careers, some of which are still going, and also the whole looming issue that will be going through every voter’s mind: steroids. And of course, feel free to drop any comments about the analysis.

Our first case is a personal favorite of mine: Bernie Williams.

Good (Hall of Fame merits):
Bernie is one of the most beloved centerfielders in Yankee history. He was the clean-up hitter on what could be baseball’s last dynasty in our Moneyball, competitive balance, revenue-sharing day of age. As well as being a consummate professional, model citizen, and fan favorite, he was a terrific all-around player that had a knack for coming through in pressure situations. His biggest accomplishments include:
• 4 World Series Championships
• 5 All-Star appearances
• 4 Gold Glove Awards
• 1998 AL Batting Title
• First player in baseball history to win a World Series ring, a Gold Glove, and a Batting Title in the same year (1998).
• 2nd most career postseason home runs (24)
• .297 career batting average
• Played all 16 seasons in the majors with the same team (for all those old-school guys who despise free agency and how it changed the dynamics of the game)
• Played more games in center field than any other player in Yankee history, even more than legends like DiMaggio and Mantle (true fact, look it up)
• Bernie ranks on the all-time Yankee lists of these categories (they gotta mean something, they’re the Yankees’ all time leaders):
o 2nd all-time in doubles
o 4th all-time in walks
o 5th all-time in hits
o 5th all-time in extra-base hits
o 6th all-time in home runs
o 6th all-time in RBIs
Not a bad resume. And his career numbers aren’t that far off other borderline Hall of Famers from the past few years, such as Jim Rice. On top of that, there are a few players (Kirby Puckett and Bill Mazeroski) who also had borderline careers, but some of baseball more memorable postseason exploits. Bernie never hit a monumental home run that will go down in history along with Mazeroski or Puckett. But if anybody is going to be measure players on their postseason stats, Bernie is pretty close to the top of the list. Comparing those borderline Hall of Famers to Bernie Williams, here’s how they add up (thanks to Baseball Cube):

Player Name avg G AB R H 2B HR RBI SB BB SO

Williams .297 2076 7869 1366 2336 449 287 1257 147 1069 1212

Mazeroski .260 2163 7755 769 2016 294 138 853 27 447 706

Puckett .318 1783 7244 1071 2304 414 207 1085 134 450 965

Rice .298 2089 8225 1249 2452 373 382 1451 58 670 1423

As you can see, Bernie’s got almost identical, if not better, numbers in almost every batting category than these players. And anytime you have better numbers than Hall-of-Famers, you’re in pretty good shape.

Bad (Hall of Fame de-merits): To many, Bernie doesn’t feel like a Hall-of-Famer because he was an extremely good, but not great, all-around player. Bernie was never considered a true superstar in the mold of players like Ken Griffey Jr., Barry Bonds, and Sammy Sosa, among others. Though very consistent throughout his career, he never dominated the competition. Bernie isn’t a true power hitter; he only has 286 career home runs, a far cry from another switch-hitting outfielder he’ll be compared to: Mickey Mantle. Bernie’s career high for homers in a season (30) isn’t that great either. And though he has a great career batting average, his 2336 career hits aren’t enough to put him ahead of guys like…Chili Davis. That’s sure to be a big knock on him. Despite his sprinter’s body, he was never considered a big base-stealing threat. And despite his Gold Gloves, Bernie always had a weak arm for a centerfielder.


Ugly (Steroids and how it affects player of mention):The steroid era will immensely help Bernie Williams. The perfect example of this is Bernie has the distinction of hitting the most career postseason home runs without testing positive for a banned substance . Players clouded with steroid suspicion (i.e. Barry Bonds, Mark McGwire, and a couple of Yankees that we’ll get to later on in this series) will probably be denied from Cooperstown based on the fact that 75% of the voters aren’t ready to give baseball’s highest individual honor to a “cheater.” This will open up the doors to border-line candidates like Jeff Bagwell and Bernie Williams, who are becoming eligible on off-years and are competing with players who are under a cloud of suspicion. Steroids also make Bernie’s numbers look even better. The fact that high-profile pitchers of the era are also under the steroids’ cloud and that Bernie had to beat out many swollen sluggers for the 1998 AL Batting Title makes Bernie’s accomplishments look even more impressive.


The Verdict:I personally believe that Bernie will get into the Hall, despite the fact that he’s a borderline candidate in the eyes of many. The main reason why I see him getting in is steroids. Bernie will go down as one of the few players who will benefit from the steroid era. Bernie’s never been suspected of steroids because his performance and his body don’t lead us to believe he ever did them. This is going to be a huge help for Bernie’s case of getting in the Hall of Fame, a feat he might not have accomplished had he played 25 years ago.

Next Up in the Series: Andy Pettitte

You laughed when we named Youkilis the first-ever Yankee Opponent of the Month

It happened May 2.

Look where Youk is now, retroactive to May 5.

So who shall be our next selection?

Hector "Brown" Noesi Chewing in Charleston

(Info stolen from the great Was Watching, which filched it from the magnificent John Torenli)

Write this down: Far-flung potential has a new name.

Hector Noesi.

He's 22, and to the folicle batters of the Atlantic Coast League, he's an electric nasal hair clipper running on five C-cell batteries. He's Roy Halladay using Roger Clemens trainer and Doc Ellis' Kool Aid.

He hasn't allowed a run in 20 1/3 innings this season.

Last night, he threw seven hitless innings over the always-dangerous Lexington Legends in Applebee's Park, the stadium where all your neighbors love to hang out.

Hector "Brown" Noesi.

Take Me Out to the Ballgame, revised Yankee lyrics

Altogether now...

Take me out to the ballgame,

Take me out to the suite,

Peel me a grape in my private box,

I don’t care if it costs me Fort Knox.

For it's loot-loot-loot that I'm good for,

Inside my new pleasure dome,

I'll pay ONE, TWO, THREE hundred grand!

And I'll still stay home.

John Gargles a weak 4.69 Win Warble: Is that really a victory?

It's hard to get gooey when your Voice of the Yankees bellows a measily 4.69 Win Warble over the first place team, the mighty Jays.

Something is wrong.

Something is terribly wrong.

We may have to put John Sterling on the 15-day DL, maybe let David Lee Roth try a game. (Suzyn would like that.) John can rehab in Scranton, get his warbles back up to a respectable 6-7 second range.

Right now, he's warbling on fumes. I'd hate to see him in there against Boston.

Pope Condemns Portland

Ryan Pope, 22-year-old RH, former 3rd round pick (2007) throws a one-hitter over 7 today for Trenton over the always-dangerous Sea Dogs.

The other Texiera guy, Kanekoa, the one who came packaged with Swisher, pitched the final two hitless innings.

Great game for Pope, who hadn't done squat this year.

He goes 7 shutout innings, lowering his ERA to 4.32.

Hey, the way things are going, six weeks from now, he could be in New York.

Redsocks Breathe Sigh of Relief: Ortiz OK after being HBP

To lose the feared slugger would be a knockout punch few teams could survive.

Suggested Motto for Lonn Trost's New Yankee Field of Dreams

"If you build it, they will come... unfortunately."

Pappi Crushes One! Jeeeeee-ust got under it, though.

Man, David Ortiz came within an eyelash -- A HALF EYELASH -- of hitting his first home run of 2009 last night.

A high, high pop to left -- way up there; man, he crushed it -- and almost scored Jacoby Ellsberry from third.

Right now, everybody in New England can feel the excitement.

That first Pappi home run is coming.

Not only that, but Ortiz got a big hit last night in the eighth inning.

Got him on the arm.

What The Eff?

Suzyn Waldman has a blog? At WFAN.com? And she posted today? About Roy Halladay beating the Yankees? And she thanked him?

A P.R. solution for "former Yankee" Roger Clemens

Everybody hates Roger. So what to do?

He could weep on Oprah. He could visit the troops. Again. He could walk through the streets of Mumbai, washing the blistered feet of elderly peasants. No good.

He merely needs to place his hand on the Bible, stare into a camera, and tell the world, “I used steroids, as all the other Redsocks did.”

Bang. Game over. No more booing. No more catcalls.

You see, his problem is not that he’s guilty of using steroids. So are 103 others – one in four – who played MLB in 2003. (That's probably a low number, considering the masking agents and the guys who simply hadn't done it recently, before the tests.)

His problem is that he is “former Yankee Roger Clemens.”

Ahh, let us celebrate the selected rewrites of history!

"Former Whittier College football center" Richard Nixon.

“Former Summer of Love guru" Charles Manson.

"Former engineer" Osama bin Ladin.

You get the picture. Nobody ever says "former Redsock" Roger Clemens. And the whole Redsock Nation wants him to be poster child for steroids -- they want him drummed out of Cooperstown and deleted from the files like George W. Bush's military record.

It's not that he's a steroid abuser. He's a former Yankee. And everybody hates the Yankees.

So here's all he has to do. Start wearing Redsock caps. Go on Charlie Rose and talk about those good old days, shooting up with the Stanley Steamer and Nomar Nomass.

Watch the critics go silent.

Wang Chunging Along at Columbus-Wilkes Barre

He pitched yesterday against the always dangerous Javier Castillos of Charlotte. Faced off against the ever-dangerous Wes Whisler. (Yes, THE Wes Whisler. If Dave Eilland ever straightens out Wes Whisler, he'll be known as the Wes Whisler Whisperer.)

Anyway, six innings, no runs.

New York soon.

You hate to break up that AnthraCity rotation of Towers, Fossum, Wang, Igawa and rain. But with Brett Tomko up, working in the Hamstring Pull Factory, it's just not the same.

We need the old Wang, pitching in the new Park.

With any luck, he'll be up just in time to see Iron Man Burnett go down.

Is EVERYONE in the Yankees' front office a moron?

Lonnie Baseball: "If you purchased a suite, do you want people in your suite?”

Hell, no.


If you purchased a lawn mower, you want people sticking their fingers into the blade?

If you purchased a brand new toilet, you want bums coming to your house and drinking from it? Dammit, no.

Well, a few holier-than-thous in the Yankiverse are Rush Limbaughing about Yankee brasshead Lonn Trost's celebration of truth yesterday:


That when you sell a luxury suite for $500,000, you don't include the bowery scum who plan to stream through it like pornographic videos, with their swine flu germs and rehashed Firesign Theater comedy routines, nosireeee. You lock the gate and keep out the hollerin' hordes, and that includes bloggers.


Lonnie Baseball was merely explaining Capitalism 101 to reporters, saying the Yanks:


a) Aren't a-gonna let shoeless dregs of society slither near the playing field to grub free (that's right, free) autographs.


b) Aren't a-gonna wreck the paying (that's right, paying) public, who shell big bucks for exotic chicken wings and lapdances, because whatever happens in the new stadium stays in the new stadium. (Foul balls and autographs included.)

c) Aren't a-gonna let reporters peruse the ritzy places with their infra-red semen stain spotter technology, and -- hey -- if you don't like it, the Yankee Steakhouse is always looking for some prime cuts of Angus Gammonite.


Says Lonn: “If you purchased a house, do you want people in your house?”


Hell no. And if you purchased the House that Ruth Built, do you want people in that house?

Hell, no. And that's what we're getting. An empty house.

Separated at Birth?

Athletic's Great, Jason Giambi


American Idol's Adam Lambert

Roy Halladay is the Reason We Cannot Give Up on Phil Hughes

Granted, Phil Phranchise may never be the phair-haired phenom.

But Halladay sure waddled through a rough early 20s.

He was baseball's most touted pitching prospect.

And he sucked.

Here's Phil, thus far.

See? He sucks... just like Halladay sucked! HOLD ONTO HIM, CASH!

Trouble Every Day

Derek scratched from tonight's lineup. They say it's a right oblique something something. I don't know what that is, but I think it has to do with slashing your jugular while shaving yourself in public, for money.

You: "The Worst Thing Right Now Is That We Play Home Games In A Deserted Shopping Mall"

Poll is closed and (naturally) your choice for The Worst Thing Right Now is the thing that we'll never be able to fix (which is an exaggeration, because we can probably build a whole new stadium around 80 years from now)...

...Followed by when it's our turn to pitch (which we have to do in every single game)...

...Followed by a pile of dead catchers (and when people die, they're gone for good).

All of which compels the question: 

How does it feel to eat a whole bag of Chips Ahoy while crying? 

I'll let you know in 10 minutes!

UPDATE! It feels awful, and exactly right!

Yes We Can

It was a creed written into the founding documents that declared the destiny of a franchise.
Yes we can.
It was whispered by the Babe and the Iron Horse as they blazed a tradition of success.
Yes we can. Yes we can.
It was sung by the centerfielder son of Italian immigrants as he struck out from the West Coast and a legend who pushed eastward from his Oklahoma farm.
Yes we can. Yes we can.
It was the call of a catcher with funny sayings and his own cartoon character;
a high-priced outfielder who hit three homers in a World Series Game;
an owner who chose Macombs Dam Park as our new frontier;
and a Captain who took us to the mountain-top and pointed the way to the Promised Land.
Yes we can to Nick Swisher in the All Star Game.
(yes we can, yes we can, yes we can, yes we can…)

Yes we can to Nick Swisher in the All Star Game.
Yes we can to Nick Swisher in the All Star Game.
Yes we can heal this ballclub.
Yes we can repair this team.
Yes we can. Si Se Puede
(yes we can, yes we can, yes we can, yes we can…)

We know the battle ahead will be long,
but always remember that no matter what obstacles stand in our way,
nothing can stand in the way of the power of millions of voices calling for Girardi to give Veras the hook.
We want Swisher!
(We want Swisher! We want Swisher! We want Swisher…)

We have been told we cannot do this by a chorus of New England cynics who will only grow louder and more dissonant.
We’ve been asked to pause for a reality check.
We’ve been warned against offering the people of this nation false hope.
But in the unlikely story that is the Yankees, there has never been anything false about hope.
(We want Swisher! I want Swisher! We want Swisher! I want Swisher…)

The hopes of the little boy who goes to a crumbling school in the South Bronx are the same as the dreams of the guy who manages the team in LA;
we will remember that there is something happening in America;
that our ballclub is not as crappy as the Gammonites suggests;
that we are one people;
we are one franchise;
and together, we will begin the next great chapter in America’s story with three words that will ring from coast to coast;
from sea to shining sea - Vote! For! Swisher!
(Vote For Swisher, Vote For Swisher, Vote For Swisher, Vote For Swisher, Vote For Swisher, Vote For Swisher, Vote For Swisher, Vote For Swisher…)



http://voteswisher.com/

Nation Officials: Pappi First HR "Imminent"

Boston _ Anticipation continues to grow across New England, as fans and Gammonites hotly await the first 2009 home run by beloved Redsock slugger and "untarnished by drug scandal" icon David Ortiz.

Schools are preparing emergency maypole celebrations, and police organizations have drawn up plans to deal with the jubilant crowds who will take to the streets when "Big Pappi" clobbers his first home run of 2009.

"Any minute now," a top MLB scout said, speaking on the condition of magnaminity. "He's off by micrometers, grams, millionthes of seconds. Every time he comes to bat, he is a threat to go deep. Every time."

Maple trees are said to be budding in anticipation of the first shot, and pharmacies report booming sales of Viagra and home pregnancy tests. Some experts predict a "Pappi" baby boom 9 months from now, after the first shot is launched.

"There is absolutely no doubt that Pappi could hit one soon," said Redsock manager Terri Francona. "It come happen at any time, just like that. Bang. Home run. Seriously. He's a feared hitter. Any time. Everybody knows it. Why are you carping on this? Turn off the microphone. Yeah, that's what I said. Turn off the fuc-"

Teix Flirting Ever-Closer with Magical .200 Mark

The statisticians are all over this like Nicholas Cage on a $3 quart of vodka in "Leaving Las Vegas."

Another one-for-four -- or three one-for-fives -- and Teix is there.

Two hundred.

The river of Mendoza shall have been forded, and we can start moving into Pagliarulo Country (.210.)

Step Right Up: Yankee Dirt Sale Begins Today

Today, we sell our soul.

Yeah, not the first time. But usually, we're the ones buying souls, old worn-out souls that were pre-washed by a middle-market franchise that was looking for 240 innings a season.

Today, we sell our dirt. (Actually, George III once paid for dirt on Dave Winfield, but that's another story.)

Today, the Yankee braintrust holds a show-and-tell to unveil the priceless treasures of old Yankee Stadium, the limited edition, authentic collectable, notarized keepsakes -- official dirt, sod, toilet seats, urinal cakes, slop buckets -- who knows? Maybe Yogi autographed the wrapper of a Hershey Bar.

For sale.

Merchandise.

OK, nothing wrong with capitalism. Cash don't grow on trees. Why not a garage sale.

How much can we get for a used soul?

Genuine House that Ruth Built Pigeon Droppings.

Let's start the bidding at $10! Do I have eleven? Who'll gimmie eleven?

Yankees so confident about their young arms that they just signed Josh Towers

He's 32, four years removed from his best season, and he's headed to Columbus-Wilkes Barre. There, he'll pad our "Dancing With the Stars" rotation of Casey Fosum, Kei Igawa and Chien-Ming Wang.

I could be cynical and post something nasty about Phil Hughes being the baby of the group. I'll leave that kind of toxic passion for Alphonso.

Towers used to pitch well against us. That's because of the Yankee bum rule: It says in the MLB handbook that every pitcher with an ERA higher than 6.00 has to shutout the Yankees once a year.

Maybe he can help. Whatever. Until we develop a few young pitchers, it won't matter. We can turn over ever rock in the pasture. We won't find a World Series ring hiding there.

Not Much To Recommend Tonight At The Steinbrenner Family's Naughty Internet Sex Site, Yesnetwork.com...

...Except for some only slightly skanky pictures of aging "Baseball Annie" Alyssa Milano...

...And a long story about Ken Singleton and his pretty sex-blogger wife ruining her mother's possible big chance to ride the 'stache of hunky Tom Selleck.

With prurient pickings this paltry, ask any Yankee fan with a penchant for pleasure: the barely-legal, bangalicious Yu Darvish can't get to the Bronx fast enough!

Tough Start for Joba Sunday: Has anybody mentioned that it was Mother's Day?

Yeeesh.

They covered the broken blood vessel on his thumb as if it were a topless video of Michelle Obama, beaming live from a Victoria's Secret changing cubicle.

Has anybody wondered if the kid was just conflicted over the arrest of his mom?

He must have called her that morning. (I don't know how close they are, but you call your mom on Mother's Day.)

Frankly, for all the disruptions in his dislocated life, Joba Chamberlain might just become the heart and soul of this team. In fact, he might already be.

Basking in the afterglow of Johnny Damon's game-winner

(I'm lying in back, smoking a delicious cigarette, staring at the freckled back of that 3-run homer against Baltimore.)

Could Johnny end up wearing our cap to Cooperstown?

(Three-Run Homer, baby, you were magnificent last night. Are you sleeping?)

Of course, we'd have to resign him. And he'll want a three-year deal. Which is crazy. Nobody will give him a three-year deal. He's too old for a three-year deal. At his age --

(Oh, my goodness, Three-Run Homer, you're not tired at all. Are those your toes, digging in at my home plate?)

It's be foolish to resign Johnny Damon. He's...

(Oh, yesssssss, Three-Run Homer, I do like that...)

... He's a gamer, dammot! He's great fit in New York! HE'S A GREAT PLAYER!

(Ooooooh, higher, yes, swinnnnnnnnnnnnnngbattah...)

RESIGN JOHNNY DAMON. AND FOR GODSAKES, LET'S GIVE HIM A RING.

Big Op This Week to See Yanks Play Cheap

NYC fans should quit carping about the $2,500-per-seat tickets to see our heros.

This week, they can enjoy a cheap Yankee night out.

Drive to Toronto!

Round trip gas: ($200!)
Overnight lodging: $150
Game tickets (1 adult, 1 child): $80
Strip clubs (1 adult, 1 child): $200
Beer: $60
Food: $50
Sightseeing: $1.50
Side trip to Buffalo: 88 cents
Ride on Tall Tower: $10
Blue Jays Stadium Cup: $5
Watch Canadians play: $50 (Wait! That's Montreal.)

To defray cost:
Appear as extra in cheap Hollywood movie
Get free health care
Buy cheap weed, bring back to states for resale

Overall cost (for two):
Toronto: $757.38
NYC: $5,000 (plus, tab for beer, food, stripper club and babysit)

Excitement Building as Boston Feels Big Pappi Getting Near First HR

FRANCONA: Any minute now. You can feel it in the air.

YOUK: He's got to hit one soon.

FRANCONA: Of course, he will. That ball yesterday, it went foul at the last minute.

YOUK: He really stung it.

FRANCONA: It went foul at the last minute.

(Pair sit motionless for 24 hours, to simulate the passing of a day.)

YOUK: You think today?

FRANCONA: Maybe. It depends.

YOUK: He stung that ball the other day.

FRANCONA: It went foul at the last minute.

The Katwoman Misses a Golden Headline Op

Read Kat's header, then tell me what it should have been...

Dammot. She should have said...

GIRARDI SNORTS COKE; YANKS CATCH BUZZ

More from Merloni on the Redsock Juice-Awareness Program: "It was like teaching your teenage daughter about sex education."

"It was like teaching your teenage daughter about sex education," Merloni told the Boston Globe. "The organization acknowledged that there were likely players using steroids, and basically, 'If you're going to use them, this is how you use them so you don't abuse them.'"

The header says, "Let's end the silent treatment."

Response from the Redsock Nation: Long overdue.

Great. Fine. Absolutely right.

And where was the Nation when it was only Yankee players being accused?

Sterl Hurl Index Rallies, Still Below Needed "Rage Virus" Intensity

Poetry Corner: When News Isn't News

Erstwhile Dodger savior Manny:
Did we doubt it'd come out like this?
If a story leaked you were a tranny,
The world would maybe feel amiss.

Our revulsion might yet arise
If cameras caught you fondling grannies,
But frankly it's no big surprise
That juicing's Manny being Manny.


Just posted on Bardball.com.

Top 10 Yankee Muthers

In this tribute to Yankee wives, the wonderful Chuck Knoblog gives us all a reason to live.



Jorge sure know how to frame a strike zone.

Francisco Cervelli, the lightning catcher

What in the name of Ron Hassey's Knees has happened to our backstops!

Usually, watching a Yankee catcher run is like downloading the entire first season of LOST on a dial-up modem. Even if you hold the cursor on them, you barely notice movement.

Yesterday, in the late innings, "Frankie" Cervelli beat out a slow roller to the Orioles second baseman. It was weird, abnormal, otherworldly -- like a visit to some alternative Yankee universe. There was no trench along the firstbase line, where Molina had pulled his plow.

Frankie is the fastest Yankee catcher since Jake Gibbs came as a rookie. (Note to youth: That's before Internet, before CB radio, before Diet Coke, back to the days of Sputnik and Tang.)

Suggested nickname for Cervilli: "The Blur."

When the old folks return, we should seriously consider keeping Cervelli on the roster as a third catcher. He can pinch run for Georgie/Jose, giving Joe extra options open. We can't go with 12 pitchers forever.

"He sat there for one hour and told us how to properly use steroids." Lou Merloni Breaks the Redsock Wall of Silence

Apparently, George Mitchell couldn't spackle over this one.

Over the weekend, Lou Merloni (Boston IF, 1998-2002) offered up a cup of dayglow pee on Comcast SportsNet's The Baseball Show. (Via Boston Dirt Dogs)

Lou says in one spring team meeting, back in the days, the Redsocks brought in a Dr. Playgood to lecture the future Fenway pharma-faves on Juicing 101. But he wasn't there to bore them with a Mad Mother Against Drunk Driving presentation.

It could have been titled, Juice News You Can Use.

"He sat there for one hour and told us how to properly use steroids while I'm with the Boston Red Sox, sitting there with the rest of the organization, and after this I said 'what the heck was that?' And everybody on the team was like 'what was that?' And the response we got was 'well, we know guys are taking it, so we want to make sure they're taking it the right way'... "

Wait a minute, Manny was in that room.

Maybe this whole scandal isn't about Manny being Manny.

Maybe it's Manny being Main Street.

Free the Arod 103!

The Disappointing Phil Hughes, Explained Scientifically

I bet you guys didn't even know Timothy Geitner has a Yankee blog.

Kei Igawa Sees an Opening and Makes His Case

Yeah, Kei I-fukkin-gawa-gawa-gawa! Write down that name, baby! If we sign this beast from Japanski, we'll have a sushi Series, baby! A sushi series!

Remember feeling that way... long ago?

Long, long ago...

Ahhhh. Memories. The housing bubble. We had jobs. We had retirement plans. We weren't promoting Brett Tomko.

Well... today something happened at Scranton that we should ponder.

Kei Igawa pitched 8 shutout innings. He gave up five hits. Two walks. Two strikeouts.

Eight shutout innings.

Well, I'ma gontna say it...

KEI IGAWA FOR MAY

YANKEE EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH.

That's right, everybody. I think Igawa has staked his claim. He has cracked the IIH hope vault and made off with our hearts.

A sushi series, baby. A sushi series.

Thuuuuuuugh Sterl Hurl: 6.14 seconds!

Bellowing a 6.14 Win Warble is equal to throwing 8 innings, giving up 3 runs and keeping your team in the ballgame. That's what John Sterling did today.

Six point one-four.

It's not Frick Award. To the win the Frick Award, he's got to hit 7.00. But it's solid.

I'd like to see Michael Kay try a 6.14 Win Warble. He would pass out.

Bracketology

Richard Sandomir & Stefan Fatsis talk about Final Fours.

Guess which category is Fatsis' fave?

Yep, ours. (Reference near the end.)

Hm-mm: Redsocks spooked by Rays

They were humiliated on national TV yesterday at Fenway. It was wonderful. It was everything that has happened to the Yankees over the last five years.

They are looking as old as us.

What happens when Varitek, Drew, Lowell, et al., get hurt?

The are off to a good start. They will fall to earth.

Meanwhile, the Rays have not yet learned to bring their A-game to weak teams.

We suck. Make no mistake about this. We totally suck.

But we are not alone.

Villone, Nieves, Abreu... In an alternative universe, here's how we did yesterday

It hurts to think this.

Ron Villone pitched 1/3 of an inning for Washington. No hits or walks.

Jason Giambi hit two HRs, his second and third of the year, for Oakland.

LaTroy Hawkins continued to excel for the Astros. He pitched an inning and a third, giving up no runs. His ERA: 2.40.

Gary Sheffield: 2-5 for the Mets.

Dave Weathers pitched a scoreless inning for the Reds.

Nick Green went 0-1 for the Redsocks.

Nick Johnson filled in as a late-inning replacement for Adam Dunn for the Nationals. Nick's batting .317. Go figure.

Bobby Abreu: 0-3 for the Angels.

After a night with Alphonso I missed the game

Good morning all.

Sometimes a girl just gets lucky.

Sometimes the Yankees win.

Once, Phil Hughes won.

Ian Kennedy never won.

Better bring him back.

What is third place?

What is the Mendoza line?

" Alphonso, wake up honey !!"

Yankeetorial: Whatever happened to our next wave of pitchers?

To the Yankiverse:

Three years ago, we gushed over the wave of pitching talent that would be cresting right about now.

It wasn't just Joba, Ian and Hughes -- aka Pulsipher, Isrighausen and Wilson -- but we celebrated an endless supply of young arms -- Humberto, Garcia, Horne, Hoover, Marquez, et al.

They would end our free agent habit and launch a great homegrown period, simultaneous to the opening of the new stadium.

Folks, we just searched the dresser drawers and found our best pair of socks: Brett Tomko.

If not for signing washups from Alphonso's Mexico dirt leagues -- Aceves, Edwar, Veras -- we would barely be able to field a 10-man staff.

Folks, we've been living off a housing bubble for prospects, and it has burst.

The more we hyped young arms, the higher their expectations, the more stress everyone felt, and the more they've blown out shoulders, elbows and egos.

Take Andrew Brackman. Correct me if I'm wrong -- it's not worth looking up -- but I don't believe he has ever pitched a pro game -- not one -- and been lights out. But when he gets hammered, we hear how his velocity was fantastic and just missed a few calls on his incredible stuff.

Dellin Betances. Same deal.

Now, I wonder about Melancon. Is he just another dud?

Over the last four years, while our system has tanked, practically every other team in baseball has built a solid staff, even if it rose and fell.

Look at the Toronto Blue Jays. Yeesh -- if we could have traded our system for theirs, we'd be in first place right now by six games.

Folks, we have a system problem.

Cashman, Newman, Contreras -- aka Hughes, Ian, Joba -- have some explaining to do.

Redsocks who Have Not Hit a Home Run This Year

Tim Wakefield
Jonathan Papelbon
Jon Lester
Ramon Ramirez
Javier Lopez
Manny Delacarmen
Josh Becket
Takashi Saito
Hideki Okajima
Brad Penny
David Ortiz

So long, Phil

Tonight, A-Rod Failed To Homer Off First Pitch He Saw

WHICH IS A COMPLETE WASTE OF $275,000,000!

UPDATE BOTTOM 2nd: You know what? Never mind. Who cares?

The Very Thought Of Yu

According to MLB Trade Rumors, the Yankees launched a threesome of randy voyeurs Japanward to leer at Yu Darvish, the barely-legal, bangalicious ace of the Hokkaido Nippon Ham Fighters.  The big mystery: were our sexed-up scouts ordered to picture Yu in pinstripes? Or out of them, somewhere deep inside the Steinbrenner family's raunchy internet smut site?

Deep Thought: The People of Baltimore Have No Right to Boo Teixeira

He's ours.

They should keep their stinking jeers off him.

They may think they're helping, but we don't need their interference.

They should boo their own players. When their team wins the World Series, then they can tell us how to boo our players. Until then, they should shut up and watch the game.

We know what we're doing.

Nobody has a right to tell us how to raise our players.

Yankees We're Pretty Sure Never Juiced: Vol. I

Two years ago, ahhhhhh, memories...

Turn it up.

Poetry Corner: Thirteen

We live in fear; our hearts in blight;

Our future black; pure Hell we're loose in,

We drink our beer; pass out each night,

Yet Thirteen's back; let's pray he's juicin!'

We lose in shame, to no-name players,

Their bats attack, our 'pen to burn,

Then comes one game, our answered prayers;

Yes, Thirteen's back... with day-glow urine!

We've suffered hard, each day a nightmare,

We know no hope; just painful loss;

But Camden Yard: Is there a fight there?

'Cause Thirteen's back; please pass the sauce!

Superman Returns

Sterling Index Rallies Following Roller Coaster Week

Five hard losses plunged the Jeep-driven Voice of the Yankees into projecting suicidal overhead thought bubbles through the radio waves, while loyal Suzyn chewed tobacco and made sure his scoresheet was touched by nothing sharper than an aqua Crayola.

Today, in off hours, they'll regain focus: maybe drive to Mark Teixeira's house to see the new riding lawnmower or stay in the hotel and model slutty clothes.

A five-point-five won't cut it. We need a walk-off 7.25. We need Sterling hurling into the apocalypse. We need a hero.

Is John Sterling Calling Hurt? Win Warble hits only 5.50.

Like Mariano, The Sterl needs to Warble often to maintain sharpness. Tonight, following five straight losses, he sounded rusty, tired, angry. Notice the tightness, the urgency to push it through, as if he fears some greater power will retract the moment.

He foregoes the signature gasp that comes before the final word "Winnnnn" in a great Warble.

This too costs valuable seconds.

An off-warble.

Hey, every great announcer suffers one... now and then.

And there's always tomorrow.

Yankees Run Out of New Ways to Lose

Actually, that's SuperFrankenstein's joke.

You had to be there.

Hip-Hip Hooray Rod Strikes Again

1-1 with a homer. He hasn't messed up. Yet.

Where have you gone, Dom DiMaggio, our nation turns its lonely eyes to you

R.I.P.

(Two Doms down in one week.)

A bad week.

It Won't Help, But...

What Is The Worst Thing Right Now?
	All of our catchers are dead
	Everyone else is in a wheelchair
	Everybody hates us
	We hate us
	We are ugly
	WHY ARE WE SO STUPID?
	We play home games in a deserted shopping mall
	God my stomach
	Texiera
	When it's our turn to pitch
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Vote here or in the sidebar; it doesn't matter. Nothing does.

UPDATE! Teixeira,not Texiera. Jesus!

Yanks Tonight Turning to CC Ponson

With that fearsome bullpen of Jose Bean, Edwar Proctor, Jonathan Rasner and -- (gulp, forgive me, Father, for what I am about to say...) -- Tanyon Rivera.

Yanks hire Bristol Palin to stop Team Pregnancy

I hope I got that right.

We have much in common with Bristol.

We are so screwed.

And now, a song from Hank, Hal and Randy ...

The geniuses who have run the club so well and made the launch of the new stadium go so smoothly:

Sarah Palin, Brian Cashman, Discuss Bridge to Nowhere?

We all knew Mariano couldn't last forever.

I have no problem with his contract. They can't pay him enough. And he'll be a great pitching coach or manager someday.

But they didn't see this coming?

No lead is safe. We are so screwed.

Obama Administration: Yanks Will Need Another $75 Billion

From the official report: "If bullpen were bumper sticker, it would say, "Hang up and drive!"

Right now, I can't bear the sight of Jose Veras. I walk out of the room.

He's like Twoface in the Batman series: He flips a coin, and if it's tails, they score five runs.

How can we be this bad?

13-13 Is Not A Bad Start !

I just spent 4 nights and a few days at Buck somebody or other's in Milwaukee. The bar is 50 yards long, and the brats and beer superb.

I was there for the annual meeting of the "owners association" of the South Mexican Independent Dirt field League.

As you may have heard, there is some flu going around in Mexico so we thought we'd beat that and head north, where it is too cold for flu virus to endure.

There are also a number of Yankees I hope will soon return to our league; Edwar, Veras, Albaladejo, Aceves to name three. Truth be told, those guys were better position players when we had them at the Cantina than they have ever been as pitchers.

I have better players right now than any of these guys, but it draws more locals to the games when there are verifiable major league failures in town. And tequila prices go up 25 cents a pop.

For those of you who do not know, I've received a number of hate letters and emails for a pre-season prediction I made about this year's Yankee team winding up in third place.

The most intense anti Alphonso attitudes seem post-marked either in Tampa or near 161st street and River Ave. in the Bronx.

So here's how I see things now:

1. Teixeira has been a great addition to our infield defense. But Doug Mankewiecz ( I will never spell his name right, ever, and I don't care ) was just as good defensively, hit better and cost a lot less.

OK: Tex is younger.

2. Brett Gardiner has worked out pretty much as I predicted.

3. Age and its consequences may be looking at certain guys in the mirror, right now. Jorge was hitting a ton, but can't walk or squat. Now Molina is hurt.

Jesus, where are you and are you ready. Is that mega forge in Indiana still operating so they can manufacture a face mask large enough for a guy 6'7" and weighing 340?

4. I'm trying to recall how I thought Joba would do as a starter.......

5. Let's not even consider that we could be watching the opening scenes in the final curtain of Mr. Rivera. Back-to-back dingers last night? Many game losing dingers to the Red Sox? The Tigers?

I have never seen MO pulled from a game. Never. Now I have.

I don't want to see this again.

6. I'm beginning to think Andy might be better as our long relief guy.

7. Derek continues to defy time. But I can see the " grind" beginning to stetch his skin. Soon, something on his body will snap.

8. Nady's gone; Chin Ming is gone ( I'm thrilled that he had a good outing against Tampa Central high School ). Swisher is fun but watching him pitch when we were 24 runs down was shocking.

When we had a good team, this type of humiliation never even go to the horizon of possibility.

9. We have more automatic outs in our lineup than a national league cellar dwellar, including their pitcher. And now we add Cervelli as our top catcher.

10. So A-Rod returns tonight as savior. I hope he brings Manny juice for everyone.

The last photo I saw of him in his "hip rehab games," was walking back to the dugout with that post "strikeout-in-big-game situation" look in his eyes.

He had just fanned on a curve ball against a 17 year old.

He is ready.

11. The walls are crumbling. Our stoppers aren't stopping losing streaks. This team showed no heart during their last at bats last night. Even Robbie went back to just flailing at anything.

Everyone went numb after MO collapsed, and stayed that way.

This is worse than I thought.

All things considered, then, 13-13 ain't so bad.

Of course, we are dependant upon the KC Royals for our hot streaks.

Obama Administration Reports that Teixeira Has Failed Stress Test

From the report: "In crisis situation, subject handles bat like beetle waving feelers after dusting with bug spray."

How much TARP money did we sink into Mr. Warning Track?

How many Arods do we need with runners on base?

How many times do we hear how he's a slow starter?

Will LoHud Get Sued for Copyright Infraction?

Well, well, Pete Abe... it's time to lawyer up.

Looks like you've been caught red-handed.