There is no curse...
Monday, July 9, 2012
Dewayne Wise elected IT IS HIGH/LUNCHABLES June Yankee Employee of the Month
There is no curse...
At the half, nobody is out of Bud's Wild Card(s) race
(NOTE: Ironically, this occured on the new Spider-Man weekend, reminicent of Selig's great but short-lived 2004 money-making spitball: MLB would sell logo ads for Spider-Man 2 on all bases in all MLB parks for one big happy weekend. But no ads on home plate, dammit; Bud was too much of a traditionalist for that. The plan was shot down by none other than the late George Steinbrenner, the man other cities were duty-bound to hate, because he broke ranks and paid fair market value for stars, whose owners were willing to sell. But, hey, when talking about the work of billionaires, who wants to remember such trivia...?)
Last night, Terry Francona - who last winter traded jobs with Bobby V - practically pretzeled his spine to blather about what a great job Valentine has done, keeping the Redsocks only 2 and a half games out of the Wild Cards race. (Why do they still call it the Wild Card? There are two.)
Listen: Francona is not a bad man. But obviously, it would be a flat-out pussy scenario for him to criticize his successor. He just can't do it. All he can do is praise and blather. So ESPN - (the network that covets Yankee broadcasts, by the way) - has happily scrapped the ability of its announcers to dissect the Redsocks, preferring instead to marvel over the magical state of baseball today - which is that everybody - everybody! - is still in some sort of race.
Look at Seattle, the butchers who sold us Michael Pineda. They are 15 games below .500... but only 10 out of the Wild Cards race. Hell, in August of '79, the Yankees were deeper in the hole against Boston. Ten games is a burp. The whole first half of the season was like suburban yuppy T-ball for six year olds: Nobody keeps score, and everybody wins! Everybody is doing a great job! Everybody is a champion!
"Great for baseball... great for baseball... great for baseball..." was ESPN's human centipede tape loop theme last night. Great for baseball... great for baseball... Everybody's challenging for the Wild Card! (As if there is just one.) And then, we'll have the one-game playoff! "And I'll tell you something else about this... it is GREAT FOR BASEBALL..."
Yeah, right. As long as nobody cares about the first four months.
Hell, if it's all about beating the NFL in September, why not open the playoffs to everybody? Let minor league teams participate. Let's become the NCAA tournament, with brackets. Or no - wait - here's an idea: Emulate pro wrestling. Have the champions wear THE BELT, until beaten - by the newest champ.
I love this. It's 2004, and I'm a-spitballin' young turk in Bud Selig's war room: Wait, wait, I got it, I GOT IT:
Can we make the bases run 30-second Romney attack ads?
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Live DB continued: (Final day)
This live drunk blogging is tough enough when you're playing one game. Two is hell. One more day to go. One more day. To. Go. Now what do we do with Andruw Jones? He finally got hot yesterday, so we can't dump him. But do we really need another guy who only hits HRs? And now that Freddy Garcia (bless his heart) has claimed the Pettitte slot for the next six weeks (at least for now), will Adam Warren ever be heard from again? And wither goest Dewayne Wise?
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Everyone Keep An Eye On El Duque Today
El Duque is drinking for 5 days straight at an undisclosed, upstate New York, lake-side location.
This, I applaud.
However, in his now euphoric state, I fear he may take a fall. Mentally.
He has buddies, he has food, he has beer, and he has a grill.
The danger is that he lapses in his newly learned, Ju-Ju vigilance and re-starts his rant about the "ultimate hot dog," better known as the dreaded and damaging spiral.
But the slightest mention of a spiral hot dog, much less the cooking of one, will turn the tables.
This is a fragile issue.
LIVE DB: I don't have time to argue semantics with Alphonso
Can't last much longer.
Two games today.
Must keep drinking to keep team on top.
Derek needs me.
Whole team needs me.
Can't let friends down.
Must keep going.
Head hurts.
What would Bukowski do?
Friday, July 6, 2012
Time for The Truth. The Ju-Ju of no spiraling.
This is the true story that El Duque buried in obfuscation the other day, and structured with a lack of credibility and oversimplification.
He has abridged a duty of journalism. More importantly, he has brought into question the efficacy of his long-term contract and high -end expense with respect to the responsibilities of prudent Ju-Ju resource management and unquestioned integrity.
I offer this column today in order to potentially save us a loss tonight in Boston. Truthfully, it might already be too late.
The Truth:
Alphonso arrives at a secret location in upstate New York on Monday afternoon, and promptly has a beer with El Duque.
Fast-forward; Duque claims he can make the ultimate hot dog and proceeds to spiral ( see photo ) and grill four. That night, the Yanks lose a heartbreaker 4-3 as Tex gives the game away with his first error of the year.
Next day - Alph , Duque and several other " named Yankees" of this blog, retire to a lakeside location for a traditional barbeque and independence day fireworks ( yes, on the 3rd ). Duque takes charge of one grill, and begins "spiraling" hot dogs ( including Hoffman's finest ) despite an absolute dearth of requests for said format. Yanks lose 7-4 and make 3 errors.
Following morning: Alph awakens and recalls the vision which woke him. He heads over to Duque's turf and tells him, " I know why the Yankees are losing. It is those damn spiral hot dogs!"
El Duque skoffs and they argue the point all day. In the end, Duque agrees not to spiral any hot dogs that day if I ( Alphonso ) will guarantee the Yankee win ( and breaking of the 0-9 streak the team has amassed down in Tampa ).
The drama ; The yanks are down 3-1 after seven innings. John and Suzyn re-emphasize the fact the Yankees are down to their last 6 outs. Alphonso ( I ) suddenly realize that no one is cooking hot dogs today. Steamed clams, chicken, steak, corn, but no friggin hot dogs.
A side note of emphasis : This little bit of Ju-Ju cannot work unless it is real. We have to have hot dogs on the grill. After all, one cannot test the efficacy of something that doesn't happen. Right?
And not one of the hot dogs can be touched with a spiraling blade (or thought). And they have to be eaten, of course.
Short-story: the dogs ( Hoffman ) got grilled normally and were in the process of being
consumed ( another mandatory of this Ju-Ju application) by several Yankee insiders ( including Duque by rule, and me by pleasure ) as the eigth inning neared its critical point.
Result of Ju-Ju insight and implementation; Yanks come back to win 4-3.
And that's the story. Not the, " let's all go eat a hot dog," story previously published by El Duque. That was lame, and lazy, and simply wrong.
Note to Counsel: Any questions or need for eye witness verification can be referred to Mustang.
Moral: No Yankee fan should spiral a dog today or any other time until the Yankees lose a game. Today, it is better to stay away from the hot dog category completely as you exercise menu planning. This way, even the mental image, or accidental use of the word, is less likely to occur.
Live Drung Block (Continued): God save the Empire State Yankees
Diddi mish somepin? (Did I miss something?) We din't play, right? No game. As in, "NO GAME TODAY." Because I somehow thought this was July, when baseball players play baseball games. But we didn't play. Instead, we dropped Dave Phelps to all the way to Trenton.
Why did we drop David Phelps all the way to Double A Trenton? Simple.
Because the Empire State/Scranton Wilkes Barre Yankee Triple A club has to be the most godforsaken, depressing team in history. Who wants to play for a team that's always visiting, always traveling, which is filled with guys who once were prospects and now are viewed as spare parts, like a kidney farm in a bad Robin Cook novel. Good grief, what a way to blow a young player's morale?
Wait a minute. Where was I? Boston? IT'S A BOSTON WEEKEND. Last time we played them, didn't they blow the big lead? Wasn't it their birthday party weekend at Fenway?
Yeesh. Big game tonight. I gotta get back to the music. Last night, Pink Floyd. Tonight, Frank Turner... I still believe...
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Live-drunk blog (Continued) In juju masterstroke, Alphonso lifts Yankees from loss in Tampa
OK, yes, starting now...
Blogging...
OK... enough of the prelminaries.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012, history became meaningless.
On this august date (Yes, I know, it's actually July), the finding of the "God particle" by the Hadron Super Team of Bearded Scientists became a page 5 story, compared to the mind-boggling, juju surgery event that was performed yesterday evening at a secret location in upstate New York.
With the Yankees trailing and seemingly fated to lose again at Tropicana Field, Alphonso - the ultimate Yankee pessimst - abruptly announced that if everybody - he later honed in on certain individuals - ate hotdogs, the Yankees would win.
Not only that, but he ding-dong guaranteed it.
To ding-dong guarantee anything - especially a Yankee win - is generally bad juju. To do it in the eighth inning with your team behind is practically jujuicide. But desperate times called for desperate measures, and anybody who has ever stared into the eyes of Alphonso after a Yankee loss can well understand the notion of desperation.
The hotdogs were consumed. And like a vision upon the horizon, the figure of Kyle Farnsworth emerged. The rest is history, which is - as stated above - meaningless.
I am speechless. And iPhone connectorless.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Independence Day Massacre: What happened to our catchers?
Today, Martin can't hit his wife's weight, we have a scrapheaper backing him up, Cervelli has disappeared along the NYS Thruway, and - yeah, I hate to mention it again - but we gave away Jesus for nothing, nada, zippo. We have no catching. WTF?
Martin: Last winter, Brian Cashman called him the newest incarnation of Thurman Munson. This had to be a p.r. bull sheet line, uttered to cushion the future blowback from trading Montero. Last night, Martin official became an acute problem. He committed two critical errors and went his customary 0 for 4. But he's sucked all year. When the last three names in our order are Jones, Martin and Wise (or Nix) we deserve to be swept.
Jesus: It still hurts to think about him. But listen: He has sucked. He's only batting .249 with a handful of HRs. Maybe he was overblown too?
Austin Romine: Hasn't caught a pitch this year. Supposed to return after the All-Star break. Bad back. Don't know what to think. How does a guy catch with a bad back?
Cervelli: Was absolutely devastated by his last minute demotion to Scranton. Only now has he started to hit for the Traveling Wilkes Barres. You have to wonder if he'll ever do anything as a Yankee. And right now, we won't get much in a trade.
We can talk about kids - Gary Sanchez is now at Tampa - until we're blue in the cheeks. What's the point? On this 4th of July, catching - our strongest suit last year - is killing us.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Four scores and seven innings ago... An Independence Day Eve address
Happy Fourth of July Eve. (Applause.)
And we are knee-high. (Shouts of "Git r done." and dolphin noises.)
Yes, I know... at times, we appear to be wandering amid the corn, like the doomed smartass in a Stephen King book. We have lost three times in five games - three deliriously excruciating games - and now eight in a row in Tampa. Our bullpen is melting like Ernest Borgnine's face is "The Devil's Rain," (scattered booing) and our rotation is sinking like the small rodent population of the Everglades due to the prevalence of exotic pythons. (Loud boos, chants of "No pythons.") We cannot hit with runners on base, and even Mark Teixeira - the greatest fielding firstbaseman in modern Yankee history - is pulling Buckners. (Cheering.)
But on this august Eve, (shout of "It's July, idiot!") we stand 6.5 ahead of Boston, who is about to lose Dice K - he left after three outs last night - and maybe Will Middlebrooks, who messed up his hammy only a week after Youkilis was traded. (Boistrous laugher.) We are 6 up on Baltimore, which is about 10 up on where Baltimore expects to be. We are 6.5 up on Tampa. If the playoffs were held today, the Angels and Orioles would play the one-game Bud Selig Memorial series. We would be preparing for the winner of the AL Central.
Barring a complete meltdown, we will lead comfortably at the break. (Applause)
In other words, despite all the pain and suffering, beyond the terrible defeat last night and the unforgiveable slovenly work of our bullpen... we are right where we want to be.
Knee high by the Fourth of July. (Applause)
Ladies and gentlemen, let freedom ring.
AND LET THE ANNUAL LIVE DRUNK FOUR DAY BLOG - AN IT IS HIGH TRADITION - COMMENCE. (Felice Brothers start opening chords of "Frankie's Gun.")
Monday, July 2, 2012
When a Yankee pitcher gets hurt next HOPE Week...
IT'S ON YOU
Here are the results of our HOPE Week Curse poll. Shockingly, most of you came down on the wrong side. As if pitchers grow on trees.
File under
HOPE Week Curse
10 elements of the Tom Cruise/Kate Holmes break-up that John Sterling, being the craftsman that he is, could segue into radio ads
2. That last divorce paper came in at 95 miles per hour…
3. It’s time for a Little Suri Snack Cake…
4. I’ve been to Tom and Katie’s home. It’s like a college
campus!
5. This is the 15th lawyer of the proceedings...
6. If, like their marriage, you
or a loved one suffers from lung cancer or mesothelioma, call 1-800-MESOLAW…
7. This call to the lawyers is brought to you by Honda…
8. Tom has painting the corner with irreconcilable
differences. And painting the corner is sponsored by Certa Pro Painters…
9. Obviously, there were flare ups. And the
temperatures are sponsored by Peerless Boiler…
10. Tom and Katie will meet in court.
This is the Rally Moment of the Divorce…
You Aren't Listening ( or reading ) !
There is no talent in the Yankee farm system.
The pitchers with the "reputations" ( Banuelos and Bettances ) are minor leaguers for ever. The other pitchers are mediocre and will not stick.
The postion players are either chronically injured ( see: Romine ) or older than their Yankee equivalents.
This is the great failure of Cashman and Co.
There is no help coming.
All the help is on the way out ( going ).
Get it?
The Killer B's: Bed, Bath and Betances
Unfortunately, the Brack never found a pitching motion worth using twice; he's now a Red. Banuelos is hurt; Team Cashman assures us he's not Tommy John, but he might have another lost Pavano season. And Betances last week was flat-out demoted - something you don't see often - from the Traveling Wilkes Barres to Trenton. Looks good coming off the bus. But it might be headed to Brackmanville.
Thus, the Killer B's should be renamed the Andruw Joneses, as in 0 for 3.
Actually, we could watch a neat competition, a metaphor for the American education system. There were The Killer B’s
- highly touted and revered by all - and the Nobodies, who nobody knows. The latter group include Adam Warren, David Phelps and ever lesser known nobodies – I’d choose DJ Mitchell – guys who never
made a half-court shooting distance of Baseball America's Top 100. Still, they they kept putting up decent numbers at Scranton, and thus far have produced more for
the Yankees than the totally hotsheet B’s, who still have given us absolutely
nothing. Nada. Zippo.
So it looked like a victory for the underdog - until Adam Warren got
slaughtered this weekend. He sort of negated anything David Phelps had done,
which wasn’t much. We’ve hoped the sum total of the Nobodies could fill one
starter pitcher slot for eight weeks. We might be wrong.
So it’s the last remnants of the lost B’s against the Nobodies – who might not be worth getting to know.
Is it possible that our farm system needs some changing?
(So what happened this weekend? Brackman goes to Trenton and pitches lights out. Six scoreless innings. Walks three. (Which for Betances is Sandy Koufax-style command.) So now we're back to wondering, will the Killer B's return?)
Sunday, July 1, 2012
A troubling revelation about John Sterling
While we listened to the Yankees condemn humankind to the plague of losing to Chicago - a loss that, by the way, may have resulted from me trying again to save my juju-less friend - I attempted to explain the critical importance of Yankee baseball. It was like explaining Descartes to a frog. I was patient. I was gracious. It was hopeless. We lost 10-7.
But in the course of the night, this fellow said something that still bothers me. We were listening to The Master bemoan the opening night jitters of Adam Warren, when my friend said:
"This announcer sounds like Paula Poundstone."
Paula Poundstone? WTF? Is this 1983? Who remembers what Paula Poundstone's voice sounds like, unless your radio only gets NPR? Paula Poundstone?
Yesterday, I listened to John. Every pitch, every play, every ad for New York LIfe, all I could think of was...
Paula Poundstone.
This is a problem. Somebody, please, tell me John does NOT sound like Paula Poundstone.
The Yankees Finally Do The Right Thing.
If you look carefully, you'll see a former Yankee fraud prospect named, Warren,
sitting with hands folded in his lap, just behind the driver's farting ass.
Well deserved.
Out of town. Out of my line of sight.
Saturday, June 30, 2012
I Told You So !
I predicted yesterday before Warren's start that his performance would be "disappointing."
I predicted he would go 41/3 innings and give up 5 runs.
I was wrong, and I admit it. I was way off.
He went 2+ innings and gave up 6 runs. A total bust.
Put him on the bus to nowhere and throw away his name plate.
He is just another failure of our minor league system. Where the Yankees are slipping to the worst rated player inventory ( read; minor league players ) of all the major league teams. The truth hurts; every time we actually let play a "touted " prospect, said prospect bombs.
Ivan Nova being the one recent exception.
But watch Phellps, and then DJ Mitchell. They will suck again, and leave again.
The remaining two B's will be bigger busts. That's why the Yanks don't ever bring them up. When that bubble bursts, when the league sees how crappy they truly are, the Yankees will be seen for what they have now become. An empty suit.
The future is bleak, particularly now that the Steinbrenners no longer even compete for foreign players who can be purchased for deflated dollars.
We are about to be swept by the White Sox. So much for guys, " stepping up."
No Moonlight Grahams: Give the kid another chance
OK, Adam Warren stank out the joint last night. And 10 weeks of this every fifth day will give me shingles. (The scariest ad on TV is the where the guy looks into the camera and says, "Trust me, this is something you do NOT want to ever have.") But he shouldn't be another Gil Blanco.
Gil Blanco was an exciting young prospect in 1965, the beginning of the end, who was endlessly being touted by Mel Allen. He pitched out of the bullpen and did alright, and the Yankees didn't have much youth in their system, and think about it - Gil Blanco is s great baseball name... So one day, they gave him a start.
Kaboom. I don't think he made it out of the first inning. I just remember the pain in Mel Allen's voice, it was practically cracking, when they took Blanco out. He never started for us again, and they shipped his butt to KC, which was almost like living out of rest stops on the NYS Thruway.
Give Adam Warren another chance. Yeah, he stank last night. But before we pull the trigger on something that's going to backfire in the long haul - the Sidney Ponsons are swirling overhead - let's try it again. We've got an expensive pitching coach in our dugout. Let's do some work. Let's give this kid another chance. Isn't that what Hope Week is all about.
GIVE ADAM WARREN ANOTHER TRY. WE CANNOT BE THE TEAM THAT NEVER FORGIVES. WE NEED TO BE THE TEAM OF SECOND CHANCES, THE TEAM THAT UNDERSTANDS HOW DIFFICULT IT CAN BE TO PLAY THE GAME OF BASEBALL IN FRONT OF A YANKEE STADIUM CROWD. ADAM WARREN HAS WORKED HARD TO GET THIS FAR. HE NEEDS ANOTHER CHANCE.
NO MOONLIGHT GRAHAM. NO GIL BLANCO. ADAM WARREN NEEDS ANOTHER START. NEXT WEEK. IF YOU FALL OFF THE HORSE, YOU GET RIGHT BACK ON. HAVE THE YANKEE OWNERS NEVER MADE A MISTAKE? HAVE THE YANKEE TOP BRASS EVER MADE A MISTAKE? I BET THEY HAVE. GIVE ADAM WARREN ANOTHER CHANCE.
And if he screws up again, the hell with him.
Friday, June 29, 2012
John & Suzyn's Cultural References of the Game
(Nothing that happened in American popular culture after 1980, and very little after 1970, has ever managed to penetrate the walls of the Lowe's Broadcast Booth. Thus, John and Suzyn's frequent music, stage and film references can easily baffle anyone born after Pearl Harbor. When possible, we'll use 21st century research tools to bring you the stars and stories rattling around in John and Suzyn's mid-20th century minds.)
TOP FOURTH: A discussion of the recent struggles of Phillies pitcher Cliff Lee led John and Suzyn to mention a 1957 hit song, Mr. Lee by The Bobbettes. According to the group's Wikipedia entry:
The Bobbettes were an R&B girl group who had a 1957 top 10 hit song called "Mr. Lee." The group included Jannie and Emma Pought, Reather Dixon, Lara Webb, and Helen Gather… In 1957, the girls released their first hit single, "Mr. Lee," an uptempo song in which the narrator proclaims her devotion to her crush - her school teacher. The girls actually disliked the real-life Mr. Lee and the original lyrics to the song were something of a put-down, but Atlantic insisted the group revise the lyrics… After a series of novelty songs for Atlantic that were unsuccessful, they recorded… "I Shot Mr. Lee." Atlantic refused the song and the group left the label.Take it away, young ladies:
File under
John and Suzyn's cultural references
Yankee Juju Requests
Tonight, please devote your practice of Juju to these aims:
• That the novice Warren might look deep within and find six solid innings
• That Yankee bats might light up the rookie Quintana
• That the Rallye BMW Rally Moment might bear fruit
• That the Rallye BMW Rally Moment might bear fruit
• That, should the game be close, Joe might stay his hand from o'er-managing
• That Derek might get a hit and pass the dark lord Cal Ripken, Jr., on the all-time list
File under
JuJu
Mustang
Hey Mustang,
I thought you would like this photo, which documents your help in cleaning up my backyard.
P.S. You can keep the headphones.
See you soon. Looking to reprise the parking lot tour.
Are you listening or watching tonight?
Alph
I Think It Is Time For A Prediction
Prediction
I feel as if I am standing on a 65 degree slope of ice.
But here goes:
You know how when the Yankees first face a pitcher brought up by from AA or AAA to fill-in for a starter for whatever reason? It could be Detroit, it could be the Oakland A's, it could be Tampa.
It never matters; we make that guy's major league debut remind the world of Sandy Koufax. He goes 8 innings, gives up maybe 1 run and leaves with a secure win for his effort, and endless rhetoric about how he could become a permanent addition to the staff.
But when the Yankees bring up their version of the fill-in starter ( as in tonight's game ), we look to get 4 1/3 innings and not more than 5 runs.
Is this what Joe means when he says, " guys are going to have to step up?"
So here's my prediction; a non-exciting ( you might even say,"disappointing,") start by another mediocre candidate from AAA who can't get that third strike or that third out.
A guy who is 5-5 so far. A guy who can't bail out a teammate if an error is made. A guy whom no one wants to consider a possible permanent starter in the majors.
And we'll all be debating whether or not he "earned" another start, or a bus ticket home.
And we all know that for our AAA team, there is no home.
It's that time again... time to nominate candidates for IT IS HIGH/LUNCHABLES* YANKEE EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH
That was the month that was. It's over, let it go. Oh what month it was...
Possible nominees:
Robinson Cano, prometheus
Andy Pettitte, safety not guaranteed
Derek Jeter, rock of ages
Dewayne Wise, think like a man
Phil Hughes, that's my boy
Joe Giardi, dark shadows
Brian Cashman, seeking a friend for the end of the world
*Note: Not to be confused, or in any way affiliated, with fine Oscar Mayer brand meat products.
Hooray! Yankees save another $42 million!
The Dodgers - apparently finally done appeasing Mrs. McCourt and her all-star team of divorce lawyers - have signed Yasiel Puig, a 6-foot-3, 210-pound OF international man of mystery from Cuba. They are spending $42 million on Puig.
Is he worth $42 mill? Probably not. But considering the harsh oppression under Fidel Castro's communist regime, limiting the money that honest capitalists can earn, it's impressive for a guy to weigh 210 pounds! It's not like America, where a second baseman can hit the market and demand whatever he's worth - for the next week, anyway. The looming luxury tax/salary cap is courtesy of baseball's $25 million a year man, Bud Selig (who once proposed a Spider-Man 2 weekend, in which all MLB teams put the Spidey logo on bases; home plate was excluded, because Bud is a traditionalist.)
But $42 mill, who's counting? The new CBA takes effect next month. That means it's last call on the free agent Latino buffet - last chance to sign these guys without it counting to the future cap on spending. (It's sort of like the U.S. Presidential election, except in this case, what you spend gets reported.) So the Dodgers grabbed their checkbook and jumped in on Puig, even though he be Pug. (Come on, give me that one; with a name like Smuckers, he has to be good.)
And the Yankees sat it out... again.
KaChing. That's our new mantra. Our motto: "No bid. We pass!" Hell, we just saved $42 million! Not counting the money we didn't spend on Jorge Soler! Oh, by the way, we have no significant position prospect above low Single A, and we may not resign Swisher next winter. Still, the Steinboys' pool man twisted his ankle last week in the Olympic-size hot tub, and we expect a lawsuit. This should cover them, with money left over for chips and dip.
Would we have been wise to sign Puig for $42 mill?
Donno. Don't claim to know. That's not the point.
Here it comes: Over the next week or two, the Yankees to sign a couple giant physical specimens from distant parts of the world, the kind of places from where Madonna adopts kids. If we don't splurge on our last chance to do so, Yankee fans should think of joining that pool man's lawsuit.
We could be staring into a bleak Yankee sunset - old players wheezing with nobody to replace them - suffering at the hands of the Yasiel Puigs. The next two weeks need to be Christmas. It's time to see what's under the tree.
Yankeetorial The Anduw Jones Fatigue Factor
Now, though, I am growing tired of Andruw Jones.
Last night, he pinch hit in the ninth with Dewayne Wise fidgeting around on first. Until Andruw stepped to the plate, Wise was jumping around like a coke freak, edging towards second, threatening to steal, drawing throws like a carnival clown sitting over a water tank. Once Andruw came up, he stopped. And everybody knew why:
Because Andruw Jones doesn't hit singles. Nope. Doesn't happen. No reason for Wise to steal second. He would only score on an HR. Andruw was up to do what he always does: Hit one out, walk or whiff.
On a team that is dangerously reliant on home runs, Andruw Jones is the worst offender, the extra Philips head screwdriver you don't need in the box. He's the slugger off the bench who isn't slugging. He's not batting his weight, and he's been dieting. It's almost July; he'll probably lose more weight in the heat. And if he gets hot, maybe five HRs in 10 games - no singles - it'll be nice, but we'll simply move deeper the red zone of a first round playoff knockout.
We keep salivating for Brett Gardner to return - although nothing is guaranteed, something's screwy with his elbow. When Gardner does heal, he'll probably replace Wise - which won't change much. Wise is a great fielder. Wise bats LH. Wise steals bases. Lately, Wise has hit.
Gardner will offer a slightly faster, more fragile form of Wise, while Andruw will keep a-chugging to the plate, another all-or-nothing swinger on this all-or-nothing team.
Last night, he brought nothing.
Anduw took a called strike three, right down the pipe, and strode to the dugout wearing his hum-a-happy-tune smile. That's OK. I don't mind the smile. I'm just wondering if Ronnier Mustellier in Scranton has a once-around-the-league in him, and if so, could we bring somebody off the bench who can bat more than .205?
When down by a run, this team needs a reason to steal second.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
The Clay Rapada Poem
Could be worse than yesterday.
And then Rapada -- Clay
Tried to turn his doubleplay.
I thought there was no way
That we would lose today.
And then Rapada -- Clay,
Tried to turn his doubleplay.
Who cares whate'er I say?
I should simply go away.
Never watch Rapada -- Clay,
Try to turn his doubleplay.
The Yankees' Lead Is Meaningless
There is a lot of euphoria passing about these days.
1. The supreme court decision.
2. The quality of certain substances.
3. The Yankee's AL East lead.
The truth is, we are no better positioned than last year for the post season. Sure, we may win 96 games, but what will happen in round one of the playoffs?
We can't hit home runs, willy nilly, against top pitchers in the playoffs. We have to manufacture runs, play great defense, run the bases wisely, and pitch great.
We may yet pull this off but the formula, so far, does not project well.
So have another drink, sit down and be real.
Mustang had it right: We are facing the Curse of Hope Week
This year, we lose Andy Pettitte and CC Sabathia in one day.
As Goldfinger told James Bond, "Once is happenstance, twice is coincidence, and three times is a frickin' Yankee curse."
I'm calling it a three-way. It's a curse. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying to ditch Hope Week. It's one of the best things we do. But for godsake, we should wear protective armor. Rest the vets. We've still got three days left. A couple more injuries, and we'll be seeking comfort from the homeless people we visit.
Open Letter to Brian Cashman: Here's a pitcher who can solve all your problems
Dear Madam or Sir,Sorry to hear about your losses. But I have the solution!
Meet Allan Burnett. He pitches for the lowly Pittsburgh Pirates. He is 8-2, and his ERA is 3.24. (Keep in mind that in his third outing of the year, he surrendered 12 earned runs in 2 innings. Some Oxford-educated mathematicians could probably figure out what his ERA would be if that game were eliminated; I'll simply state that if it were scrapped, RA Dickey wouldn't be a shoe-in to start the All-Star Game.)
Over his last 9 starts, Allan has given up only 14 runs. Jeepers. The guy must be pitching on bath salts!
By the way, here's a tidbit from the irony heap: We’re paying him $11.5 million this season, and $8.5 million next year. Last winter, we traded Allan for a bucket of fried chicken, days after we dealt Jesus Montero and Hector Noesi for a damaged plate of cole slaw. We did this for a worthy cause: So the Steinbrothers can save money. They'll "save" $5 million this year and $8 million next year. That is, unless you have to sign some expensive pitcher at the trade deadline. Good luck on that.
I should note that with the money we "saved" by trading Allan, we signed Raul Ibanez for $1.5 million. (We could have had Johnny Damon for less, but that's another story.) By my guess, that leaves $3.5 million "saved" by getting rid of Allan.
Come to think of it, we also "saved" money when we didn't sign Jorge Soler, the young Cuban outfielder. In fact, we've been "saving" gobs of money by not signing international free agents, or Roy Oswalt, or much of anybody - for that matter. (We did sign Jack Cust and Russell Branyan, but that's another story.) By letting teams we don't have to worry about - like Texas - sign them, we reduce the overhead and pass along big savings to everybody!
Now, don't take this the wrong way. You've done your job. We are leading the AL East. And there are a million different scenarios of where we would be if you hadn't traded Allan for a lap dance and a pack of Camels. But if you empty the farm system for Matt Garza or Zach Greinke or Marvin Gardens - anybody - and take on their Zsa Zsa Gabor-like salary needs - I just want it remembered that you had Allan all along - like Dorothy had the means to get back to Kansas - but you scrapped him because the Yankees - the wealthiest team in sports - wanted to be cheap. The billionaires were pretending to be millionaires, so we would feel sorry for them.
Do whatever you want. But I just want the Steinboys to remember what they did: We had everything we needed. We pissed it away. We wanted to "save" money.
Now... will we?
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Is HOPE Week Cursed?
...And we won't even mention what happened during HOPE Week last year.
File under
HOPE Week Curse
Word to the (Dewayne) Wise: You are in danger of breaking the Yankee Code of Conduct
1. Grow facial hair.
2. Take steroids.
3. Mass murder.
4. Wife-swapping. (Banned since 1967)
5. Operate dog-fighting rings.
6. Lie.
Last night, outfielder Dewayne Wise clearly broke one of those rules. He pretended to catch a foul ball, even though replays showed that the ball dropped out of his glove. An honest man would have admitted that he didn't catch the ball. Wise showed his willingness to practice the devil's form of deceit. In doing so, he placed his thirst for victory over the human quest for integrity... and embarrassed Yankee fans everywhere.
As a result of this, Dewayne Wise is hereby placed on IT IS HIGH YANKEE CODE OF CONDUCT SECRET PROBATION.
Over the next 30 days, we at IIHIIFIIc will watch this man like a hawk. Make no mistake. There is no wriggle room here. If he breaks any of the other Top 5 rules - beards, shredded puppies, etc. - he must leave the team immediately. There will be no judicial appeal, no second chance. This is his warning.
There is no room for cheating on the Yankees. And that goes for pencil mustaches, too.
Again, I jujued the entire first three innings to foster a 4-0 lead
Monday night I missed the first three innings of the win over Cleveland because I was doing something. I'm not going to say what I was doing. Frankly, it's nobody's business. This isn't Gawker. This isn't the Discovery Channel. Nobody needs to hear about my personal antics. But let me be clear: Nobody my age should do what I was doing for three long innings every single goddamm night. You'll blow a cork.
In another week, I would drop the move. But during Hope Week, our team deserves more. So Monday night, when I returned to the game and found that we were leading by 6-0, I resolved to spend the first three innings of Tuesday night doing the same thing, regardless of the physical and emotion consequences. And I gotta tell you: It's not easy doing it for three innings. But I did. And when I was finished last night, the Yankees were leading 4-0. Not quite the same as Monday: I sort of ran out of gas. But I did it. For three long innings. I'm telling you, at my age, some things are hard to do for three innings. If I were 22 again, hell, I could go nine. I could play a doubleheader. But for now, three innings is pushing the limit.
But I will do it again tonight. Why? Because I'm a Yankee fan. And it's Hope Week. And it's fun, at least for a while.
Three innings. The things I do to win a pennant.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Letters to the Editor: The next Louisiana Lightning?
June 21, 2012 Thursday
Dear Editor,
We have a young man from DeRidder who is playing his heart out to
make the big league as a starting pitcher. His name is Josh P. Rainwater, and he
is No. 25 with the Kansas City Royals' farm club, the T-Bones. We all hope and
pray he will excel this season and make his dream come true.
He has worked hard all his life to fulfill his dream of being a
big-league pitcher. Baseball is and has been his goal in life.
Josh is not one to toot his own horn; he speaks loudest and with
command from the pitcher's mound. Some positive coverage surely would be
helpful.
I hope that Josh gets his chance to fulfill his dream this season
with the parent team, the Royals.
Josh Rainwater is, in my opinion, our second "Louisiana
Lightning," following the lead of Ron Guidry, former pitcher with the New York
Yankees.
Jack L. Daniels
DeRidder
DeRidder
So Did I Miss Anything?
The South Mexican dirt field League is on break for its all star game, so I hopped a bus north and hope to arrive in the upstate NY area a few days prior to July 4th weekend.
With any luck, the NYY Scranton turnpike babies will be in town and we can get a preview of the Yankee's near term future at Syracuse's famous astro field.
Our club in Mexico is 2-22 so far, but two kids made the all star team. Ruben Sierra and his 16 year old roomie, Orlando Vegas. Ruben is playing like the old days in KC and , last night, shared a quart of local tequila with me. He tells me that Brett is done for the year. He also says Pineda will miss next year as well as this one.
So I hear the Yankees are doing great, even though the team is league last in batting with RISP.
I can tell you that I managed to participate in the international JU-JU intervention, which led to the famed winning streak.
It kind of shook me out of my doldrums, and I came to terms with my early season failures at negative JU-JU. Some of you may recall, that almost everyone of several dire predictions came true.
Since then, and whilst south of the border, I have been so hung over and dis-connected from the Yankees, that I think my Ju-Ju skills are experiencing a re- awakening. On their own.
Case in point:
I didn't watch an inning of the last Mets/Yankees game when RJ Dickey pitched, and I didn't watch an inning last night in the 7-1 win vs Cleveland.
Guess what I won't be doing tonight, either?
Time will tell if my powers are fully returned. It's like coming back from Tommy John surgery.
One game at a time.
Media Advisory: World Famous Met Chicken to arrive in Watkins Glen this afteroon
Little Jerry will pose for photographs and address the media briefly before meeting with Farm Sancutary officials to discuss protocols for his rehab.
Media are urged to arrive early for security scan and proper credentials.
Hope Week is the perfect time to perfect your Juju
When I finally turned on the game, what a pleasant surprise! Yankees ahead, six to nothing. Six- nothing, baybay. Six-Zip.
So tonight, despite the considerable difficulty in doing what I was doing for three long innings, I will do it again. For three innings. Why?
Because it's Hope Week.
Hope Week is when the Yankees give back. They wash homeless people's feet and hitting lessons to kids with incurable diseases. It's a good thing. It raises Yankee consciousness, it puts the game into perspective - (i.e. meaningless compared to war, disease and hunger) - and it gives us leverage with the juju gods.
Now, I'm not saying that all-powerful, judgmental dieties exist. I'm just saying IF they exist, they gotta be impressed with Hope Week. Yesterday, did the Cleveland Indians visit any hospitals? Hell no. They were doing what I was doing, um, let's not think about that. Cleveland was celebrating No Hope Week. If you were a juju god, and two teams were playing - a Hope Week team vs. an uncaring bunch of yoyos - who would you shave points on behalf of? Hope, dammit.
So during Hope Week, each of us needs to refine our juju. That means learning what works. What were you doing last night during the first three innings? Me? It's nobody's business. But trust me, I'll be doing it again and again and again tonight... for three innings. And I'll tell you something, it feels great at first, but you try to stretch it out over three long innings, and you start to wear out. Three long innings. I was gasping.
But I'm there again tonight. Wish me luck. Six-zip is worth it. Hope Week! Come in Rangoon!
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