Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Four scores and seven innings ago... An Independence Day Eve address

Friends, Homers, Yankeemen and Yankeewomen,

Happy Fourth of July Eve. (Applause.)

And we are knee-high. (Shouts of "Git r done." and dolphin noises.)

Yes, I know... at times, we appear to be wandering amid the corn, like the doomed smartass in a Stephen King book. We have lost three times in five games - three deliriously excruciating games - and now eight in a row in Tampa. Our bullpen is melting like Ernest Borgnine's face is "The Devil's Rain," (scattered booing) and our rotation is sinking like the small rodent population of the Everglades due to the prevalence of exotic pythons. (Loud boos, chants of "No pythons.")  We cannot hit with runners on base, and even Mark Teixeira - the greatest fielding firstbaseman in modern Yankee history - is pulling Buckners. (Cheering.) 

But on this august Eve, (shout of "It's July, idiot!") we stand 6.5 ahead of Boston, who is about to lose Dice K - he left after three outs last night - and maybe Will Middlebrooks, who messed up his hammy only a week after Youkilis was traded. (Boistrous laugher.) We are 6 up on Baltimore, which is about 10 up on where Baltimore expects to be. We are 6.5 up on Tampa. If the playoffs were held today, the Angels and Orioles would play the one-game Bud Selig Memorial series. We would be preparing for the winner of the AL Central.

Barring a complete meltdown, we will lead comfortably at the break. (Applause)

In other words, despite all the pain and suffering, beyond the terrible defeat last night and the unforgiveable slovenly work of our bullpen... we are right where we want to be.

Knee high by the Fourth of July. (Applause)

Ladies and gentlemen, let freedom ring.

AND LET THE ANNUAL LIVE DRUNK FOUR DAY BLOG - AN IT IS HIGH TRADITION - COMMENCE. (Felice Brothers start opening chords of "Frankie's Gun.")

1 comment:

Hermodorus said...

"Get the asbestos out, cuz he is on FIIRE!"

-John Sterling, aka "The Master," 7/2/12