Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Proposal: Celebrity superchild Suri Cruise should be raised in Syracuse

In the war room at IT IS HIGH, we generally avoid:

a) global financial gobbledegook
b) bighead searches for particles
c) celebrity gossip
d) the National League pennant race.

But last week's stunning news about the impending divorce of Tom Cruise and Kate Upton, Perry, Middleton Holmes has left us in a quandry... (not to be confused with former Yankee bullpen lugnut Paul Quantrill.)

Who about little Suri?

Keep in mind that Tom Cruise was born in Syracuse (True fact: So was Richard Gere and Robert Di Niro's dad! Must be something in the water.) Thus, to name his only daughter "Suri Cruise" was obviously a heartfelt tribute to Tom's home town, the capital of Onondaga County and ground zero site for the Destiny Supermall.
As a result, Syracusans have always taken a special interest in the welfare of this future celebrity star. We want to help. And last time anybody looked, this city still has a few choice tax breaks left to offer.

Currently, according to People Magazine - the Bible of celebrity chatter - the dreaded Church of Scientology has adopted a "Rosemary's Baby" strategy to whisk Suri off to some evil mountain mind camp and raise her as The Ultimate Scientologist, capable of ruling the world through her inherited fund-raising poster girl skills. She would be to Scientology what Mitt Romney is to Mormonism.

Clearly, nothing can stop the Church of Scientology... except... winter in Syracuse?

Yes, bring Suri Cruise to her namesake. Let's see if John Travolta can plow through 20 inches of snow to grab the kid. Good grief, 20 inches will come up to Tom Cruise's chest. We propose the city change its spelling to Suricuse, and offer Katie Holmes free room and board in the tax-free splendor of the Destiny Supermall, with nightly flag-wrappings in the soon-to-open Toby Keith "I Love This Bar" genuine laminated menu honky tonk. Let Suri serve as the city's special ambassador of good will and fund-raising poster girl. She will shop at Wegmans. She can eat hotdogs with Jim Boeheim at Heid's. And, of course, her famous father can return to the place of his birth.

Suricuse, New York.

Take that, Utica.


Joe De Pastry said...

What's funny about a little kid whose parents are getting divorced?

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