Saturday, July 28, 2012

Redsock Nation rejoices: WALLY IS SAFE

Last night's victory over Boston rang hollow, shadowed by the stark reality that no Redsock could be expected to hit with his eyes full of tears.

Their Wally had been removed - stolen, excised, amputated, torn from them. And no one knew where his Wally was.

I watched in Darwinian disbelief that the game was being played. It should have postponed, or cancelled, or forfeited, as a gesture of humanity. When a team loses its Wally - as was the case, with Wally the Green Monster reported stolen - how can anyone care about the trivialities of a mere game?

I imagined Boston toddlers, for the first time unable to clutch their Wallys, holding bake sales and fund-raisers - selling their wooden toys and woolen leggings to raise money for his ransom.

I foresaw Boston police periodically receiving dismembered bits of Wally - arms, legs, eyeballs - as the kidnappers showed their craftmanship with scissors and staple guns.

I dreaded the inevitable televised video of a tattered and limp Wally, clutching the day's Shaugnessy column to prove he is still alive, begging for mercy from his captors.

No. Shame on us. With their Wallys surgically removed, the Redsocks should not have been expected to play the game. And kudos to the plucky Boston team that valiantly battled for seven innings, before Mark Melancon mercifully sent the weeping children of Beantown to bed.

Well... today, the sun is shining again on the Oldetowne Nine. According to the Internet, "Wally is safe and sound, it was all a big misunderstanding." An employee took Wally home for personal use. I'm sure Wally had a good workout. Who knows, maybe someday we'll see him in a different sort of video.

I speak for the Yankiverse in congratulating our Boston brothers and sisters. The long night is over. They can feel the pleasure and confidence of holding their Wally again. He is safe and secure. And if they want to learn how to keep their families safe and secure, they need only to listen to John Sterling call today's game.

From now on, Boston, hold tight to your Wally.

1 comment:

BernBabyBern said...

Wally was found safe and sound; he was passed put in an alley behind a bar with Kevin Millar and Pedro Martinez with Bud Light cans and half-eaten chicken wings strewn about. One good stomach pump and he'll be just like new!